Here’s what we learned today: Drug test forging or “possession of a forging instrumentality” are felonies. In more layman’s terms, trying to get past your court mandated drug-checking urine test by purchasing a fake penis filled with fake piss can get you in a lot of trouble.
According to paperwork filed in St. Louis County Circuit Court, Eric A. Throckmorton, 29, of the 16200 block of Port of Nantucket in the Grover area of Wildwood, was charged earlier this month with one count each of forgery and possession of a forging instrumentality. Both are Class C felonies.
Throckmorton, who has a totally bitchin’ last name, used a “Whizzinator” to pull off his failed attempt at fooling the government.
Officials allege he filled a Whizzinator device with clean urine for the purpose of passing the sample off as his own during testing on Aug. 10.
…and just what is an “Whizzinator”? Well, for one, it’s the most “realistic prosthetic in the market”, and for the record we added the neon pink smily face. We just thought it added that little bit of “Yup, it’s Monday morning and you are definitely looking at the tip of a fake penis at work. Have a great day!”
The Whizzinator “Whizz Kit” comes with 1 syringe, 1 synthetic urine pack, 4 heat packs and 1 fake penis in your choice of shade (white, tan, latino, brown, black). There don’t seem to be any size options so think of this as a free upgrade for those of you ordering the white one, and a downgrade for those ordering the black package. You can get yours at thewhizzinator.com (NSFW) for any drug tests you feel the need to take, but aren’t important to just stop doing drugs for a day or two ahead of time, so instead you’d rather end up getting caught with a fake dick in your hand. Unfortunately you already missed the Black Friday sale they were having, as advertised in “High Times” magazine. (Everything in that last sentence is 100% true. Which is so totally weird/awesome/something the intern at your office constantly rocking that hemp necklace already knew.)
via STLToday (Seriously. Marlon Walker wins for getting “penis” in an STLToday headline…but did he realized that the graphic they used was, upon closer inspection, a hand holding a scale of justice, not the more story appropriate dick with low-hanging balls? We’ll never know. )