The Rams Still Aren’t Very Good At Scoring More Points Than Their Opposing Team in the Time Allotted

What have we done to deserve all these trickster St. Louis teams?

“Oh I, we’re the Cardinals. We’re going to be pretty good there year! …oh wait, no we won’t. Ooop! Lets make the playoffs suddenly…no we won’t, wait…yes we will…just…barely. Hello Phillies! *shot in the face* Just a flesh wound!”

“Hey everyone, we’re the Rams! We did a lot of good stuff last year and spent some money in free agency so everyone says we’re definitely going to be even better and will totally make the playoffs. Oh crap. Turns out we suck more balls than the Oreck Deluxe Handheld Vac. What? You didn’t catch that somewhat obscure infomercial reference? We know how you feel. We don’t catch anything. Ever.”

The Rams are obviously in a far worse state than the Cardinals and not just because we all like the Cardinals better and always will, like how your parents will always prefer your sibling/family pet/someone else’s kid slightly over you. No, the Rams are crap because they are crap. They can’t catch, they can’t protect Sam Bradford, they can’t stop the other team from scoring, and the coaches can’t adjust or fix it. Freaking pathetic. This team looks like another 1-15 team, which after all this rebuilding and high draft picks, the blame rests completely at the feet of the coaching and front office staff. This season just hurts even more because of the talent that is there and the confidence boost from last year.

Isn’t there an Air Bud sequel that we could at least try to run out there? Or maybe a monkey that could grab a jersey[1] or little kid that had an injury that somehow makes him good enough to play professional sports suddenly[2]? Maybe Coach Spags needs to take the team to the mean streets and play a pick up football game with some thugs who will teach them all to love the game and some important, game-changing skills like “knuckle-pucks latterals” or how to catch[3].

We’re running out of crappy sports movie references, so we’ve done all we can. The rest is up to you Coach Spags…because if you don’t get ready for! Which, by the way, is available. Just sayin’.

Photo Credit: ESPN

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