Did you guys see the guy running around Dellwood Sunday night with a shotgun and wearing a hockey mask? Well don’t get too excited…it turns out that he wasn’t Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles extra Casey Jones as we originally thought. Meaning, one, that our autograph is seemingly worthless, and two, that he was probably the guy that robbed the home for mentally disabled adults around those parts. Sure, this is St. Louis, and there could have been two guys in hockey masks and shotguns, but we have a hunch that this was the guy.
A man armed with a shotgun and wearing a hockey-style mask stormed a home for mentally disabled adults late Sunday night and ran off with a small safe, police say.
The gunman herded three male residents and a woman caregiver into a back bedroom of the home in the 10300 block of Quaker Drive. He asked for one of the men by his nickname, then ransacked the home. He ripped the phone line out of the wall, then fled with a small safe that contained about $1,000 in cash, police say.
No one was injured.
Does this whole scheme seem to reek of effort to anyone else? When your target is a home full of mentally challenged adults on a Sunday night just before bed, do you really need the hockey mask and shotgun? Do you really think that you need the dramatics of pulling the phone out of the wall? Of course not! We all know that all this plan required was a to wear whatever you want, maybe some sweats because it was cool that night and it’s the weekend so stay comfortable. Then just walk in there, take what you want, and if anyone sees you just tell them that you’re new…or the safe inspector…or just tell them you’re just “an asian man stealing stuff” because the first thing out of your witness’ mouth will be “He was asian!”. Leave a picture of Jackie Chan behind to seal the deal. Seriously, that’s all it takes to rob a home full of sleepy mentally challenged guys. Even the photo of Jackie Chan seems like a lot of effort, so maybe just leave a stick figure drawing with a ninja costume, and if you think about it, leave your blinker on when you drive away. Straight up, the hockey mask and shotgun really are a bit too much for this job. That outfit is more suited for an 80’s bank robbery movie, or something you throw together to murder slutty high schoolers in the woods.
The white hockey-style mask worn by the gunman was similar to one worn by the fictional character Jason in the “Friday the 13th” slasher movies, the chief said.
Yeah, we know. We just made that very reference. If you’re not going to pay attention to our racist yet adorable rantings, there’s really no point in us continuing.
…plus we were out of stuff.