Japanese Radiation Attacks Illinois!

KMOV doesn’t want to alarm anyone, but…wait…oh they did want to alarm people?! That explains how they had a featured story on their website and on their Friday news coverage about something that is completely harmless and possibly, maybe, but who knows, from a dangerous place somewhere else in the world.

…and somehow people still think the internet is the only place bullshit, alarmist, horrible journalism happens. It’s pretty clearly just one of the places that stuff happens. Duh.

Inspectors with the Illinois Emergency Management Agency detected small amounts of radiation and they say is most likely from Japan.

Can you prove it, or it just a theory? Nah…never mind, you said “radiation” which is all we were really looking for, thanks.

The inspectors took air samples and grass clippings in Madison County and other areas on Wednesday.  Minute amounts of iodine were detected, but the inspectors said there is no immediate danger to local residents.

“no immediate danger”? What about danger later on…like now? How about now? How about now? Now?! Maybe we should just keep watching KMOV Channel 4 news forever so we don’t miss the time when the nothing turns in to a something!

Doctor Langhorst went on to demostrate, using a Geiger counter, how every day products like salt substitute emit radiation.

Everything gives off harmless radiation!?!?! Oh my god! This is such an important story! Ahhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

She said, however, the increased radiation found in Illinois is almost certainly from Japan.

Good…good. Work in Japan one more time. Perfect. Can you get you to say “Godzilla” now? Ok, what about saying “Rodan” and we give you $20?

In all seriousness, this whole “news” story is horrible. Not a single story-based fact in the whole thing, just assumptions and estimations. Hell, it takes them to the end of the second paragraph to admit that there is no danger to any residents. What a joke. Was there nothing else going on? Did you need a rating hike this badly? Could you have just not done an obvious fluff story about the Cardinals or Charlie Sheen instead of this farse of a report? Do you still die a little inside while reading the teleprompter pretending that this “news” is worthy of even the cheapest journalism degree? Was there any reason to bring our old friend the freak-looking dog killer guy in to this, presenting him as the image with this story on Friday night as though he was the radioactive monster created by our American greed and technological advances to destroy us (as found by our tipster)?

Here’s a story for you: Breaking can kill you! OMG! …sure the average American takes 502,953,600 before he dies, usually of something else, but rest assured that you keep breathing like you are, eventually, you’ll stop. Which is why we don’t post any photos of us without our shirt on the site, all that lustful gasping would just be akin to taking a week off every lady reader’s life. Now stay tuned because after the commercial, we’re going to show you how one little boy can make a big difference in the life of an old man, plus this week’s weather, and sports with whoever we haven’t fired or move to the anchor desk yet! Stay tuned! *wink*

via KMOV