Adrienne Martin’s Autopsy: Accidental Overdose, Coke Straws, and Someone Should Really Hire a Maid

Over the weekend we had a chance to go over the Adrienne Martin case files that were released on Friday and so kindly uploaded by the RFT’s Chad Garrison, who as also done his own summary. Most of this is either unsurprising or just more of the same, but there are a few details in here worth pointing out, so lets run though them.

1. Despite everyone’s claims, Adrienne Martin did drugs. Lots of them.

We mentioned this little fact when the details of this report linked, but seriously, Adrienne Martin did drugs and it killed her. Here’s the official finding: She died of Oxycodone overdose, but also had cocaine in her system. Not that this should have to be said, but just because someone says they’re “anti-drug” it doesn’t mean they really are…actually it probably means they definitely aren’t. Who the hell calls themselves “anti-drug” other than people that are boring a hole in their septum with the old columbian powder drill.

2. August Busch was really helpful with the investigation until he wasn’t.

You know the big difference between this dead August Busch IV girlfriend and the other two? Busch really helped the police with any information they needed…oh wait…there were some lies in there about how did didn’t know about her drug use…oh and then he told the cops that that those lies and the basic description of the events where all he was going to tell them. Really helpful. Yup, completely innocent bystander in all of this, and definitely not just out to help himself when his girlfriend shows up dead…for the third time. That is how we would describe August Busch IV. Great hair though.

Oh and one more thing, Busch has maybe the worst signature ever.

Seriously. What is that? You’re looking at a less than sign, followed by a dash and then a little sketch of a penis, and that somehow translates to “August Busch”. Wait. Maybe that does kinda make sense when you say it like that. Maybe it’s a great signature, it just happens to be in hieroglyphics.

[]43. Adrienne Martin had some plastic in her.

“Aspiring Beer Model” = Boob job. No surprise there.

4. You never know when someone might attack you when you’re pooping.

One witness’ report describes Busch’s messy bathroom and in the process describes Busch’s pooping attack defense plan:

So he has a little toilet room in his bathroom, which is awesome because those little “poopn’ closets” are seriously great, and here’s what’s in it according to the witness report: One toilet…not sure why that had to be put in the report…one loaded shot gun…now we’re getting somewhere! …and a loaded Glock pistol hanging on a hook. Security cameras all over the place, a large number of paid house attendants and guns in the bathroom. Did August Busch think he was the Scarface of beer or something?

5. August Busch should really hire a maid.

You know how when you were little and your parents said to clean  your room and all you could think about was growing up, getting rich, never cleaning your room and basically sleeping on a pile of shit every night? Well most of us got older and realized that isn’t really as cool as it sounded. Not little Auggie Busch though! Living. The. Dream.

Remember the how Busch himself said the night went down: He went to bed at 6pm, she stayed up until 3am and then came to bed. Busch woke up, went to make two energy shakes and came back to realized Martin had died. He claims he moved nothing from that moment on. So that means the dude probably slept in the bed all night with the following things in the bed with him: Martin, a laptop, a pair of scissors, a flashlight, a magazine, and a box of miscellaneous iPod gear. Sure, his bed is probably huge, but who sleeps with a Best Buy tucked in next to him other than a 12 year old with a stolen credit card number?!

We’ve said this before, but what the hell: This case can’t get any more bizzarre can it?