It’s all over people! The Snowpolocypse is upon us! Go to Home Depot and get some road salt even though you’ve never used it before! Go kick an old lady in her flappy neck to get that last can of green beans. It’s time to get serious people! Snow! Ice! Ahhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
KMOV (Channel 4):
This could be one of those devastating storms when you have power outages and snow over a foot.
KPLR (Channel 11):
Please refer all questions not related to CW teen-angst programming to KTVI.
KSDK (Channel 5):
This is a dangerous winter storm and all News Channel 5 viewers are advised to begin preparing now. Assume that you will not be able to go out from Tuesday through Wednesday and be prepared for the possibility of losing power.
KTVI (Channel 2):
A wintry mix that includes freezing rain, sleet, and snow will affect the entire are on Monday and continue into Tuesday, becoming heavy at times. Precipitation will end as snow Wednesday, but not before leaving behind a huge mess.
KDNL (Channel 30):
What storm? Ask KSDK.
The good news is Ameren UE has probably learned their lesson and they’ll be able to fix any ice and wind issues taking down power across the city so we don’t all freeze to death in less than 20 degree temps so we…um…we’re all going to die. Nice knowing you.
When the snow hits and the power goes out we will all last longer if we huddle together for warmth, so any women less than 150 lbs with C-cup and greater are free to head over to Punching Kitty HQ strip down and keep living so we can dig ourselves out Friday and re-populate St. Louis. Yes you have to do it! Otherwise the only people left to repopulate St. Louis will be poor people who naturally huddle together leaving St. Louis to be reformed full of Jack in the Box’s and Shop n’ Saves with a horrible school system and rampant crime…oh god. This is what happened after the 1982 blizzard didn’t it?! This is how we got this way! It’s all so clear now. You finally really did it…you maniacs! Damn you all to hell!