Pfffft. You Don’t Mean That Johnny Damon!

“I love Detroit.”

That was former Kansas City Royal, Oakland Athletic, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankee and current Detroit Tiger Johnny Damon ****yesterday after turning down a chance to be traded back to the Boston Red Sox team he helped bring a World Series Championship to in 2004 after sweeping the Car…ugh. Blockquote to break the painful memory anyone?

The Red Sox claimed Damon on waivers this week, but he had the right to veto a move to Boston because of a no-trade clause in his contract.

“These guys really like me here,” Damon said Tuesday, adding that he spoke to each of his teammates individually to be sure he was wanted in the Tigers’ clubhouse.

Jesus. Everyone knows you’re a liar and just don’t want to go back to Boston because the fans were mean to you while rocking pinstripes. Wanna know why? Because Detroit sucks dude. Totally sucks. As in “worse than St. Louis” sucks. When people visit Detroit they always step on their tip-toes like they are trying to quickly walk through a puddle. Going downtown has got to be like driving around in Grand Theft Auto but with less people on the street to hit.

“I feel like we’re not out of it yet,” he said. “At least we can make some kind of run.”

No Johnny, Detroit is not going to make the playoffs.

Damon said he’d like to play in Detroit next year too, but “there’s no guarantee.”

…that Deroit will even been there next year? First smart thing you’ve said all day. We hear their homeless are nearing completion on their Homeless Deathstar made out of shopping carts, old coats and used condoms. There’s one exhaust duct you can shoot to destroy it, but its all gross and you’d have to get up close. Just give them Detroit.

[Editor’s Note: Some posts are actually about St. Louis, while others are about us looking down our nose at shittier cities. It’s called variety. You’re welcome.]

Photo: Johnny Damon’s Wife. Ah! Now you get it.

via ESPN Boston