Translating Kings of Leon’s Poopstock Memo

Pigeon Infestation Forces Kings of Leon Offstage Early in St. Louis.

An infestation of pigeons living in the rafters of the Verizon Amphitheatre in St. Louis, MO, forced the Kings of Leon to walk offstage after three songs last night. Even though opening bands The Postelles and The Stills came offstage complaining of getting riddled with large amounts of pigeon excrement, the Kings of Leon decided to carry on regardless. The band felt it would be unfair to the fans to cancel the show at that late moment.

We did anyway though because screw them! We’re famous and buy t-shirts that look old, but aren’t for lots of money to go with our wannabe-70’s rocker beards and hair cuts.

“I’m surprised they stayed on for as many songs as they did,” said Andy Mendelsohn of Vector Management.

They’re giant pussies.

“Jared was hit several times during the first two songs. On the third song, when he was hit in the cheek and some of it landed near his mouth, they couldn’t deal any longer.

Jared is used to having white stuff fly at his cheeks but at this time during the show he wasn’t drunk enough yet to handle it appropriately: Swallow.

It’s not only disgusting — it’s a toxic health hazard.

Birds shit on everything, but this time it was a “health hazard.” Now excuse me, we need to go drink 4 bottles of everclear, snort anything powdery we can find, and bang this skank that we know bangs everyone but I’m sure we won’t get herpes…again.

They really tried to hang in there.

They left as soon as we would let them.

We want to apologize to our fans in St. Louis and will come back as soon as we can.”

We aren’t coming back again. You guys all know we are pussies now. Our facade has been broken.

When the band arrived earlier in the day, the venue warned management that there had been a significant pigeon infestation problem with summer shows over the years, but they were doing all they could to fix it.

We hadn’t thought of “Shoo! Shoo!” at that time. That probably would have been a good call.

“We couldn’t believe what The Postelles and The Stills looked like after their sets,” said Jared Followill. “We didn’t want to cancel the show, so we went for it. We tried to play. It was ridiculous.”

We’re special.

Kings of Leon are headed to Chicago tonight (Saturday) to perform at the First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre as scheduled.

God we hope they didn’t hear about all this. It would be nice to have some fans left.

Live Nation, which produced the concert and owns Verizon, has not commented on the concert except to say fans will receive full refunds including service fees.

Press release via STLToday