Dog the Bounty Hunter Would Never Mace Your Balls Like These Guys

Three bail bondsmen for F & N Bail Bonds (aka Junkie’s Bail Bonds) in Festus have been charged with felony restraint and misdemeanor assault for among other things, macing a guy’s balls…really that one thing should be enough though.

The man said he went willingly with the bondsmen, but that Boyer hit him with a half-full bottle of water in the face while driving to Jefferson County, court documents filed Monday in Hillsboro say.

Once they arrived at the Festus bond office, Baker allegedly threatened to rape the man while Ritrovato and Boyer laughed and made jokes and the man begged them not to do anything to him, documents say.

Baker then ordered the handcuffed man to drop his pants and wiped Mace onto a white cloth, which he used to rub the Mace under the man’s eyes and on his genitals. A few minutes later, Baker wiped more Mace on his genitals before returning with a warm washcloth for the man, documents say. (emphasis ours)

Jesus! Get this man a washcloth!

Using the warm washcloth made the pain “fifteen times worse,” the man told Jefferson County Sheriff’s investigators. Warm water causes the pores to open. Baker allegedly told the man he knew warm water would cause more pain.

Crap. Nevermind. Maybe use bread next time, we hear that’s the move for spicy food…not sure if that applies to spicy balls, but probably better than that washcloth idea.

Also of note is that these bailbondsmen are really really gay…like angry gay.

They later left the building, the the bondsmen drove the man around for a few hours with the heat on high in the car. All three offered him cold water in return for oral sex, but the man refused, documents say.

Maybe “Deliverance Bail Bonds” might be a more apt business name.

Morals of this story include, “Don’t jump bail”, “Mace is for faces!” and “You’ll get more oral sex from dudes with honey than mace.”

My grandmother always used to say that last one.

via STLToday