The Onion Swings and Misses on Pujols Article

It’s not often we say this about the beloved online fake news hub, but “Eh.”

The Onion took a big cut and like Chris Duncan going after a curve ball, missed. Hopefully the comparison stops there, we don’t want the Onion’s dad whining about us in the Post Dispatch tomorrow.

Sources in the Cardinals organization confirmed Tuesday that, after completing private sliding lessons, Albert Pujols has been sliding feet first into equipment, open doorways, dirty laundry, teammates, dugouts, and anything else the three-time NL MVP can possibly slide into. “His technique is nearly perfect, but I can’t even warm up without him barreling across the field and sliding into the pitcher’s mound,” said Cardinals starter Brad Penny, adding that a suds-covered Pujols also slid into him several times last week during a postgame shower. “I’m worried he’ll wear himself out by sliding into the on-deck circle over and over again. And there’s no reason he should be sliding into the St. Louis Arch.” When asked to comment, Pujols slid into a group of reporters.

There it is. That’s the whole thing.

I mean it’s fine. It’s just not all that good or funny and the ending is just weak. Admittedly we are coming down harder on the Onion because of the high standards we set for them. An apt comparison would be Pujols batting .270 for a season. Hey, that’s great for most players, but for Pujols it’s not even just OK, it flat out sucks. To put it another way, it would be like if you saw Fergie in the gym and you found out “her” penis is only 6 inches long. Sure that’s fine I guess, but a big dude like Fergie…you’re just shocked that’s all.

via The Onion