Every year professional sporting teams hand out those “Promotional Schedules” to everyone with a free hand as if to say “Thanks for spending all this money on us. Checkout this list of cheap crap we will give you if you spend more money with us on a specific day.”
We thought it would be fun to take a peak at the St. Louis Cardinals promo schedule and break it down for our sexy sexy readers.
The Best:
5. Build-a-bear Workshop Day – August 1st vs the Pirates
Get your kids a bear with a little classic 1985s-style Cardinals jersey on it. Super cute. When your kids grow up to be hippies, tell them that the bear they still love so much was made by chinese children locked in a basement.
4. Purina Pooches in the Ballpark Day – June 6th vs the Brewers
What ever you gotta do Cardinals to keep Tony happy is worth at least 4 on any list of this nature. …plus you can keep the dog bowl.
3. Bob Gibson Statue Replica Night – May 21st vs the Angels
Please tell me you don’t need us to explain why this is awesome. Its a Bob Gibson statue. Not only was the man a bad ass pitcher for the Cards he totally said, when asked about roids in the game, “If they were around when I played, I’d take them.” Bob Gibson everybody!
2. Tickets.com Whitey Herzog Hall of Fame Commemorative Bobblehead Night – July 31st vs the Pirates
Damn that is a wordy title. If you can’t see the awesome here, let us help you: Tickets.com Whitey Herzog Hall of Fame Commemorative Bobblehead Night. There you go. Now you see it.
1. Snuggie Sluggie night! – April 30th vs the Reds.
From the Cardinals’ site:
Whether you’re watching the Redbirds at Busch Stadium or at home, stay warm and cozy all season and throughout the off-season with a Cardinals sluggie, a fleece blanket with sleeves, courtesy of AT&T, the Official Communications provider of the St. Louis Cardinals.
Recently, the Angles did the same thing and won the world record for most people wearing a blanket together for the longest. Here’s hoping the Cardinals aren’t that lame, but also its worth noting this isn’t a Cardinals idea. That being said, if you want a bunch of people to stay under a blanket for a nice long time, put that slutty girl from High School under there. You know the one I’m talking about! High five!
The Worst:
5. Meramec Caverns Night – June 18th vs the Athletics
Kids get a free pass to Meramec Caverns! The greatest place to take your kids if you want them to pretend they are in school and only really looking forward to the McDonalds stop on the way home. What’s to learn there? Oh stalactites and stalagmites? Sweet. Two hard things forming and then pointing at each other until they grow big enough to touch. Your kids can just see the same thing over and over again on the Manchester Strip this weekend. Save the road trip.
4. Creve Cour Camera Photo Night – September 4th vs the Reds
From the site:
Fans with cameras will be allowed on the field to get up-close and personal photos of their favorite players, coaches and Fredbird. Field access is on a first-come, first-served basis. Weather permitting.
How long do you think this is going to last? They’ve poked so many holes in that little description the idea is starting to look like Lindsey Lohan after passing out by Tiger’s locker at the Masters this weekend. Also, we hope your “favorite players” are Jason LaRue and Mitchell Boggs because that’s all your gonna see on the field.
3. Budweiser Coolie Cup – July 3rd vs the Brewers
Gee a foam coolie cup that I can’t even use at the game because you don’t allow cans. Really going all out.
2. Diet Coke and Schnucks Breast Cancer Awareness Tote Bag Night – October 1st vs the Rockies
Nothing says awareness like a totebag you’ll say “Hey honey, this is a pretty nice bag. We could use this when we travel with the kids.” and then promptly throw in the back of your closet never to be seen from until garage sale day 5 years from now when you say “Oh yeah. Honey, be careful about that breast cancer stuff. I found that totebag and it reminded me.”
1. Snuggie Sluggie night! – April 30th vs the Reds.
Hell yes we realize we just also gave this the #1 Best prize, but here’s the thing on the whole “sluggie” idea: It’s cool that one night. That’s it. You get it at the game, wear it that night out of irony, take it home and put it away. You know that, I know that…no one else in St. Louis knows though. You are going to see those damn “sluggies” all season long. God forbid we make the playoffs and have a few October games! They’ll be all over the damn place covering up hoosiers ugly wives and giving Joe Buck and Tim McCarver something else stupid to talk about other than baseball.
You can see the whole schedule here, but why bother. We just hand delivered the goods to you. Consider that our promotion.