Those Flyer People in the Loop Can Go Straight to Hell

“Crap. They’re back.”


“Come see.”

The two of them stand up and look in to the window facing the parking lot, each of them looking through their reflections, focusing on their respective cars.

“They didn’t get mine yet.”

“Well the bastards got mine double and their heading your direction.”

“Maybe they’ll miss it.”

The crowd at the window has now grown to 6.

“Can someone set off their alarm? That would freak them out.”

“Could we call the cops for something like this?  It has to be some form of littering.”

“Well the cops just drove by and they sure didn’t seem to give a shit.”

“No! No no no no no…damn. They got my car now too.”

There are lots of reasons parking in the Loop sucks. On a particularly nice Friday, just finding a spot is nightmarish enough, then you have to worry about whose going to take a poke at  you on your way to Blueberry Hill.  Once you get there and settle in to your booth, yet another annoyance is hard at work: Those damn flyer people.

They would say they are serving a valuable purpose. Who else would tell you which washed up reality start is “hosting” a party at Home Nightclub next week?!  We would say their “service” of making random high school drop-outs walk around and plaster crap all of our cars that no one cares about and will most certainly end up on the ground isn’t serving anyone but yourselves. We’ve tried really hard, but no matter how much we think about this problem, we still have three nagging questions.

1. Who are these people?

Who are these people that take a job that involves spreading crap around your own town? …a job that can’t pay much more than $.25/hour. Also, why aren’t these people smart enough to just trash the whole pile of flyers, take a long lunch, come back and say “All done!”

2. This can’t be a very successful advertising method…can it?

How often can this work as a successful advertisement method? Admittedly when you pay next to nothing for your base costs, even a 1% success rate is a win, but still. Also, how can your success rate even be proven? I rarely see any identification-type info so that the band or whatever knows I came from a flyer stuck to my car.  Are people just going to up businesses (Home Nightclub) and saying “Hey, give me a bunch of money and I’ll pay my army of homeless people to put them all over cars in the Loop. I can’t prove that it works, but trust me.” …and people (Home Nightclub) buy this load of crap?!

3. Shouldn’t this be illegal?

The disgusting legal irony of this is that while its clearly not illegal for them to stick little pieces of paper all over my car, if a cop sees me take off and throw it on the ground I’m the one that gets a littering ticket!  This practice basically makes paper to basically turn it directly into litter. It’s amazing.

Long story short: Screw you flyer people.