Pfizer to Cut 600 Jobs, Everyone Left to Get Two Offices!

layoffsToday Pfizer, which houses its research facility in the Chesterfield valley, announced that it would chop 600 of the 1,000 St. Louis jobs.

Damn dude.

Employees learned of the news at 11 a.m. today as Pfizer announced changes that will result in a R&D square-footage footprint that is 35 percent smaller.

The move comes as something of a shock since Pfizer only recently invested $250 million for new buildings and labs on its sprawling Chesterfield campus. Earlier this year Pfizer CEO Jeff Kinder dropped in for the facility’s dedication ceremony.

The good news?  If you are one of the remaining 400 employees, get ready to live the dream!

– Double offices (one is for your shoes)

– Always finding a seat in the lunch room!

– Bathroom lines?  What bathroom lines?!

– That back parking lot for chumps?  Guess who’s not a chump any more! (You.)

– Crippling depression because after barely making the cut yourself, having to watch your friends get escorted out by security and then wondering when the next layoff round is.   And did you hear? The hot chick from accounting got let go.  I know, the one with the brown hair!  Ah.  Damn, that really sucks.

Hey, 4 out of 5 ain’t bad!