Translating STL Police Chief Dan Isom’s Denials About Leaving the Position

KMOX has a source that tells them St. Louis Police Chief Dan Isom might be mulling an opportunity to leave his glamorous post as the lead protector of the city and take a job teaching at the university level. We’re guessing he’d be teaching art because you don’t get to be St. Louis’ top cop without getting really good at tracing bodies in chalk.

A reporter for KMOX caught up to Chief Isom in an attempt to confirm the report, but he was met with an “artfully vague” response. Too bad for KMOX, they don’t have our Translate-o-Matron 39958490!

“I’m going to continue to work hard every day until I walk out of here,”

Peace the hell out bitches!

“Who knows what our future is…”

Who knows?! I could get hit by a bus tomorrow! …but I’ve tried to make that happen for years now, so I’m giving up on that dream and instead I’m going to try to get a new job.

“…so I’m working hard to make sure that we do what we need to do to address crime in the city of St. Louis and serve the citizens of St. Louis.”

I promise to not let the crime get any worse while I try to get the hell out of here. I feel pretty safe in saying that because…I mean…it just doesn’t seem possible as long as no more cute white college kids get car jacked.

“Well, as I said, nobody knows what their future is around here, but my focus is making sure I’m addressing issues within the city of St. Louis”

Nobody knows what their future holds. Hell, you could get shanked on the way home after this interview…seriously! Watch out man! Which way are you planning on driving? You don’t by chance have a helicopter do you?

Mayor Slay was said to have been caught off-guard with the report but said Chief Isom…

“…still has (my) full confidence for the job he’s doing.”

Finally! How many bull shit LinkedIn references do you have to write for a guy before he starts getting some response?!

Oh, sorry Mayor Slay. Totally forgot to turn the translator off. Our bad.

via KMOX