The Missouri House passed what has been called the “birther” bill, in which candidates for president or vice president would have to prove their U.S. citizenship in order to be put on the Missouri State’s ballot, inching us all one step closer to future laws such as the “Presidential hopefuls shall measure their dicks (from the balls, not the base!) for the State of Missouri and if he is larger than the average elected official, he will be denied a spot on the ballot!” law, and the point when everyone else just realizes they can have the election without us.
We’re going to make a killing on “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For One of the Guys That Actually Made it on the Missouri Ballot” bumper stickers!
The Republican-led House gave initial approval to the so-called “birther bill” on a voice vote. It needs a second vote in the chamber before it can advance to the Senate.
Rep. Lyle Rowland, a Republican from Cedarcreek, said he sponsored the bill because he doesn’t think there is enough vetting in the current process, which primarily relies on political parties to verify whether candidates meet all requirements.
“We’re not requiring a great deal,” he said. “All we’re wanting is a copy of that for our records.”
“…for our records.”? Is he serious. Will future presidential candidates have to come to Missouri and have their drivers license and birth certificate photocopied and walked down the hall to some big filing cabinate labeled “Presidential Election Records”? When will we need that again exactly? We don’t think the federal government is doing a good enough job checking already? This is like getting stopped by the cops for a ticket and then a mall cop comes up and says “You know what…let me take a look at that license one time, just to be sure.”
This wouldn’t be about current US President Obama would it?
“There is a large amount of people out there who don’t think our president if [sic] a U.S. citizen. I think that’s where this bill is coming from,” said Rep. Jacob Hummel, D-St. Louis.
“This is a huge problem,” [Rep. Sylvester Taylor, D-St. Louis,] said. “This is probably racism at its core.”
“What!? Racism?! Dude…no way! You know me bro, and I am not racist.” Replied the people for this bill. “I am just all about double-checking and possibly changing long-standing rules based on an arbitrary process to protect us all from people and things I personally have a problem with…and, to be clear, that cross was already on fire when I got here.”
“There’s nothing in this bill that speaks of racism,” said Rep. Wanda Brown, R-Lincoln. “(Candidates) are supposed to be a citizen of the United States of America … That is part of the law.
“I’m tired of being called racist,” she said.
“Mitt Romney on the line ready to fax you his documents Representative Brown.”
“Oh? You know what, tell Mitt nevermind. Missouri knows he’s straight with the USA. *wink*”
“Ok, shall I tell Mr. Jones who’s running on a third party ticket the same message?”
“Did you happen to find a photo of Mr. Jones…”
“Like ‘Allstate Insurance Guy‘ black or…”
“Not sure. He could also be latino.”
“Yeah, lets go ahead and put him on hold, grab my gloves and I will be right there. Wait, did we pass the anal exam bill yet? Damn. Ok, don’t worry about the gloves.”