Tony LaRussa‘s gone, but that means everyone’s favorite formally afro’ed shortstop can come back in to the fold! This week Ozzie Smith will be back in a Cardinals uniform for the first time since he retired 16 years ago, shortly after Tony picked Royce Clayton over Ozzie for the starting shortstop job. Ozzie really hates coming in second to Royce Clayton. In fact, the word is Ozzie now refuses to talk to Brad Pitt after Clayton got the fake starting shortstop job in the movie “Moneyball”.
“It should have been a natural transition and, unfortunately, it wasn’t,” Smith said. “It’s behind us now, and as I said a long time ago, when the time was right I’d be more than willing to come back and try to find my way with this organization.”
Translation: That dick Tony is finally gone, so I decided I’d come back.
Pettiness aside, Ozzie’s finally back in a Cardinal uniform teaching the current Cardinals fielding and base-running in between chewing the fat with fellow Cardinal star Willie McGee. Seriously how great is that photo?! Ozzie and Willie were the two mega-heros of our formative years and seeing them laughing it up again makes us want to go back in time to watch old 80s and early 90s Cardinal games while telling the 10-year old version of ourselves tips and stuff to prepare for like…
– Don’t get too attached to this Pujols guy you’ll hear about in a few years.
– Try to invent a way to put porn movies on the computer soon. It’s gonna be huge!
– I’ll tell you right now: It might seem like a bad idea, but just skip the whole 2004 World Series. Trust me and just read a book instead. You don’t need the stress and you’ll save money on not having to buy a new clothes hamper after you beat the hell out of it with a bat out of frustration.
– Please don’t try to get a hold of me in a few years trying to know how Lost ends. I won’t tell you and frankly I’m not even sure myself.
– Avoid all of the following: Pogs, Tamagotchi, that bowl cut you totally want to get, any Ben Stiller movie after “There’s Something About Mary” and slow dancing with that cute girl from 7th grade Social Studies at the Winter Dance (Yes, she can feel your boner).
– Bo Hart isn’t for real.
– Yeah Ozzie’s awesome, but we’ve got this kid in the minors named Royce Clayton and he’s supposed to be AWESOME! [Editor’s Note: No, Royce Clayton never was in the Cardinals minor league system. We made the joke without looking it up…probably because this is a humor blog that writes about sports, and not a sports blog that makes jokes. Anyway, lets try this joke again because you know how funny stuff can be when you say it once and then say “Shit. Hold on! Let me say it again right after with a few details flipped around…”]
– Yeah Ozzie’s awesome, but be on the lookout for this Royce Clayton kid. If the Cardinals get him on board, watch out! He’s got the chance to piss off a Hall of Famer and be kinda OK for a few years. Gonna be AWESOME!