We Have Officially Run Out of Clever Bank Robber Names

We Have Officially Run Out of Clever Bank Robber Names

[Editor’s Note: For context, this was part of our impromptu “Animated GIF Week“]

Pair the bad economy with our population’s natural love of guns and playing dress up and it seems like everyone’s robbing banks these days. As such, the local media has latched on to this trend hard. Like a snow storm during a morning commute hard. Much like weather events, every bank robbery has be punched up a notch and have a catchy name, and as such you can’t seem to “take a penny” these days without seeing a grainy security camera still with a clever nickname overlay plastered all over the evening news.

If only the names were actually clever. We don’t get clever any more, we get obvious and lame. Take the recent “Logo bandit”, who earned that name because…

Authorities have labeled him the “logo bandit” because he wears hats and sweatshirts featuring brand-name or athletic logos.

…which is distinctive you see, because the rest of the freaking world never wears any clothing with logos on it! Are you freaking kidding us with that crap name?! That is completely retarded…but…it gets worse!

Enter: The “Same Coat” Bandit

Police say a man, in his early 20s, robbed the Reliance Bank in the 8000 block of Watson Road around 12:30 p.m.  The dubbed “Same Coat” bandit was last seen driving a late model red Chevrolet Camaro and was wearing a blue sweatshirt and gray pants.

So he’s the “Same Coat” Bandit because he drives a late model Chevy Camero? …or was it because of his gray pants? Dammit! Someone shoot us a clue! Help KMOV!

Ah, of course! He’s the first criminal ever to wear the same article of clothing more than once!

We’re starting to think that who ever it is that comes up with this crap is just plain f*cking with us. If you feel compelled to give every bank robber a catchy title, can’t we take an extra five seconds and try to be more creative? Otherwise by June we’ll be reading about the “Black Guy” Bandit, “Average Sized Nose” Bandit, or You know, The Guy With the Ears” Bandit. Back in the day you had to do something wild to earn yourself a name but now even the most bland robbery attempts earn you a name, which really takes all the fun out of it. If we didn’t know for a fact that everyone was so dumb, we’d almost believe this some sort of crime deterrent ploy as there’s no way the thieves themselves are digging these names. Maybe a way to incorporate that train of thought and help the obviously struggling “Senior Director of Bank Robber Naming”, is to start a Hurricane-like naming scheme: Create a huge list of girl names and start at A every year. A thief may let “The Same Coat Bandit” roll off his back, but throw is face on the news each night with “Anita” under it and you might find they start getting a little hesitant to have another security camera picture taken. The trick is to stick with fat girl names like Cathy or Joan.

Lastly, as with all the posts this week, here is our semi-related animated gif and for the second day in a row, we made this one ourselves! In honor of KMOV, we present to you the “Julius Hunter: News Buster” animated gif from the old KMOV news commercial / Ghostbusters homage. Enjoy St. Louis. Really drink this one in.

via KMOV and STLToday