There’s Not a Lot to Say About Nick Punto

KSDK felt it necessary to post up a story about the new Cardinals reserve middle infielder Nick Punto having a groin injury, needing surgery and not being able to play until May, but they just didn’t want to elaborate much. Well there it is isn’t it? I just pretty much did the same thing they did…but better! Their story was all of 40 words long and our summary above came in at 22! The only thing they had that we don’t is a poorly cropped Cardinals logo.

What’s with the double-wide black border?! Crazy bad cropping job right? Wrong! Don’t you know what’s back there? The Cardinals “birds on bat” logo has to be cropped that way because of all the crazy stuff that goes on around the birds. Quite honestly, those little red Cardinals are sick little bastards. Lets take a look at the full image our crack team of photo investigators managed to uncover.

Removing the black border with Photoshop initially revealed this background photo of a giraffe banging a donkey! Yes, a giraffe banging a donkey. The donkey looks displeased…apparently there were some animal kingdom rumors about “guys with long necks…you know…*wink*”. The donkey was apparently mistaken however and now looks rather bored.

That’s not all though! Our investigators dug deeper below the animal sex and found something far more shocking: An old copy of Exit to Eden, the movie where Rosie O’Donnell squeezes her has into leather and latex in an effort to…um…no one knows actually. There is no record of anyone actually finishing that movie.

It can’t get any worse than that….but then it did! Our Photoshop investigator peeled back the layer of Rosie O’Donnell [Editor’s Note: First and last time we’ll ever say that!] he found the worst thing yet…a Matthew McConaughey movie! Fool’s Gold we believe. You know that one…the one where he’s a handsome, charismatic guy with one problem that he can never overcome to find love…until he did. At the end…in the rain, or on a crowded street or something. We think we’re going to barf.

Thank you KSDK for shielding us from those horrors beneath a layer of uncompromising black cleverly designed as the worst cropping job of all time.

[Editor’s Note: I know exactly what you’re thinking right now: “Don’t two of those gag images kind of overlap? I mean they’re both about…” fat sweaty animals. Correct. Putting two images about sick fat animals back to back seemed like a stretch at first, but we thought the Rosie O’Donnell gag was worth it.]