You Can’t Stop Us From Roasting Tony LaRussa

We’re hearing talk of a Celebrity Roast of Tony LaRussa, everyone’s favorite/least favorite Cardinal manager. “We’ve love to roast Tony! We graciously accept your invitation.” …is what we would have said had it not got lost in the mail or something. No matter! We can roast him whenever we want with the power of the internet! What we would have said is below. Read that while we go search for weird porn (the other power of the internet).

Try to picture us up there like Greg Giraldo during one of the other Celebrity Roasts. Except not dead.

Tony’s a living legend. A man that had to win two World Series just to make up for how horrible he was as a second baseman. …you know what? Maybe one more just to be safe.

First off, it’s too bad Ozzie Smith couldn’t make it here tonight…great to see Royce Clayton here though!

People say that it’s weird that Tony pretty much never sees his family the entire baseball season, but that’s only half true. Tony has two families, one back in California and his traveling family consisting of his heterosexual life-mate Dave Duncan and son Aaron Miles.

Tony always looks so bad ass in the dugout rocking the shades at night, which he says is so the other team can’t see his eyes. Which is true! …except during Spring Training…then they’re because he’s hung over.

Tony is serious about everything, even his friends are hand-picked to be just like him. Bobby Knight and Bill Belichick were chosen because they, like Tony, are the only other coaches with assholes tightly clenched enough to have each made the diamonds adorning their respective championship rings.

Great to see Kirk Gibson here tonight. He’ll be up here right at the end of tonight’s show to kick him in the balls and shit all over what would have been a really special day  for Tony.

Tony seems to be a really great guy though, his work for pets through is ARF charity is a great thing and Tony’s Home for Little White Infielders is still going strong. It’s like the guy collects these guys: David Eckstein, Aaron Miles, Bo Hart, Ryan Theriot…it’s like Tony is the Mrs. Garett to the MLB version of Facts of Life! …Eckstein is Tootie.

Seriously though Tony, we love buddy!

…and yes we would have brought a giant version of that photo up on stage. Would have killed.