Missouri’s Most Eligible Bachelor is From St. Louis

St. Louisan Carl Koenemann has been selected by Cosmo magazine as Missouri’s top bachelor.

In his own words: “I’m outgoing, energetic, and caring.”

Says Carl, who probably made that shit up. What’s he going to say? “I’m kind of a douche and not 100% sure if I’m straight yet.”?! Tell us something else Carl! Something we can believe in!

Guitar hero: “In my downtime, I play guitar and write songs. I’m inspired to write when I’m feeling love or pain. It’s cathartic.”

So Carl’s the “guitar guy”. Why do chicks fall for that crap? Pretty guys thinking they can play the guitar is like hot chicks that think they are photographers. No one cares about their black and white photos of half their face in front of a blurry background and no one cares about your song you wrote for the girl that broke your heart in high school. Every time one of these guys busts out their guitar, the girls melt when he starts to play one of his musical poems and then just when he can tell the chicks are starting to realize he sucks…just fade right in to Wonderwall. Works. Every. Time.

What else you got Carl?! Where’s the real Carl?!

Do you manscape? “Yes.”

…well, we actually do believe that.

In case  you were wondering, here’s Illinois’ most appealing bachelor:

Hard to believe he’s single.