Stan Kroenke Was All Like POW and Khan Was All Like WHAT?! Over Last Minute Rams Bid

In a move that can be describe no other way than “utter badassery” current minority owner of the Rams and owner of the Denver Nuggets, Colorado Avalanche and some “Futbol” team you don’t care about, decided at the last possible second that “Yup, totally buying the Rams too.”

“We are pleased to announce that we have exercised our right to purchase the remaining interest in the St. Louis Rams football team under the terms of our Partnership Agreement,” Kroenke said in a statement. “We have enjoyed our involvement in the National Football League since our original expansion efforts beginning in 1993 and our subsequent 15-year partnership with the Rams.

But wait, aren’t there rules in place where he couldn’t buy the Rams since he owns franchies in other NFL cities? No one thought he was going to do this because he couldn’t…right?

Rules?! What rules? There are no rules when you are Stan Kroenke! The NFL can’t stop him from buying a team and  you can’t stop him from wearing that rug on his head.

The assumption had been that the NFL’s rules against cross-ownership might preclude Kroenke from exercising his option to purchase the Rams outright if Rosenbloom decided to sell. Kroenke had 60 days to announce his decision once Illinois businessman Shahid Khan made an offer. Kroenke already owns the NBA and NHL teams in Denver, meaning his majority ownership of the Rams could threaten the Broncos. But his deep pockets and familiarity could appeal to the league, possibly giving Kroenke the leverage he needs to push through his bid.

Rumor has it that Kroenke made the final call on the Rams sale to, “Stop it with all the damn ‘Khan!’ joke headlines in the media. I mean really? That’s the only joke anyone could come up with? What happened to writing or imagination? Freaking ridiculous man. You all are horrible. I mean really horrible.”

Here are what (we think) some local sports media members will say about the news:

Bernie Miklasz, STLToday and WXOS: “Yeah, I knew this was going down. Wanted to give the other guys a shot though. Also hockey reporters suck.”

Howard Balzer, Globe-Democrat: “Sh*t, I’ve been sucking up to the wrong owner…I mean…what Bernie said, but lets say I said it first ok?”

D’Marco Farr, WXOS: “Blah blah Dick Vermeil blah blah Greatest Show on Turf!”

Kevin Slaten, WSLG: “What a dummy! Grrrr I’m getting mad for ratings. Can anyone hear me?”

Quotes via