PUNCHING KITTY

Both Illinois’ St. Clair County and Missouri’s University City opened their doors yesterday morning to a line of people waiting to be the first few to get a civil union in their respective areas. Meanwhile, hate filled people somehow failed to noticed that the world did actually continue to spin and society as we know it, did go on.

In St. Clair:

St. Clair County Clerk Bob Delaney reported that seven couples in the county had been united as of 9 AM and that he was expecting more to turn out.

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A St. Louis man was walking down the street when he was robbed and then shot…in the dick.

Officials say that the victim was walking west on Dr. Martin Luther King Drive when a maroon van occupied by a group of black men stopped. The suspect exited the van and demanded property.

The suspect took a bag from the victim containing a wallet and a camera before firing shots at the victim, striking him in the groin.

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We thought it might be fun, as May draws to a close, to pull up some of the biggest posts from a year ago. So we dug back in to the archives and found some of the favorites from May 2010 when we were all a year younger, slightly more innocent and Joplin, Missouri still existed.

1. 05.14.2010: “Crown Candy Record Breaker Lied About His Identity” — It was one year ago when we broke the story about the Crown Candy Malt Challenge being destroyed by a mystery man. The rest is history!
2. 05.21.2010: “St. Louis Celebrates Harvey Milk With Kiss-In, Local Media Skips it to Cover Nothing” — Last year’s rant on the biais in local media. The only ones that responded was the Riverfront Times.
3. 05.13.2010: “Albert Pujols Has a Cousin Named Harry” — Harry Poo-holes. This one pretty much wrote itself.
4. 05.03.2010: “Ninjas Roam Town and Country” — When we saw the tip submission about this story we stopped reading about half way through, put our finger to the monitor and whispered “Shhh…You had me at ‘ninja’.”
5. 05.24.2010: “Lost Finally Ends and KDNL Gives Us the Simpsons” — We miss you Lost!
6. 05.11.2010: “KMOV Chases Storms and Annoys Twitter Followers” — Just seemed appropriate to include a severe weather post because next year when we do it, the list will be full of them.
7. 05.27.2010: “Lacy Clay and Russ Carnahan Hate the Internet” — They may both still hate the internet, but Carnahan’s gone and Clay just focusing these days on thinking of even dumber ways to name bridges.
8. 05.25.2010: “Top 5 Name Suggestions for that Dumb Owl” — We wonder why we never did check to see if they used any of our suggestions. Hmm. It’s probably because we don’t care.

If you’re new here, read up on some of the weird crap that happened in St. Louis last year and if you’ve been coming here for that long, it’s a great time to review!

Larry Hughes is a nice guy.

The former NBA player and St. Louis native dolled out $4,500 in free gas in $30 dollar chunks to the first to arrive at a particular gas station. Hughes also signed autographs and allowed photos to the motorists while gassing up. Good for you Larry!

Also congrats are in order for ourselves since despite all those “gas” references and we still totally resisted the urge to make any fart jokes! Now do you see us all up in arms saying we deserve free gas money? No, you don’t. Heroes set themselves to a higher standard.

If we were looking for a way to blow a small fortune, steroids, cocaine and gambling sounds like as good a method as any, but we aren’t here to approve or judge…ok, that’s exactly what we’re for, but usually that comes later in the post after we do this intro bit followed by a block quote of actual reporting.

It all started a few days ago when Nelly and his then promoter SLIM got into a war of words. Apparently Slim booked Nelly to appear at a Basketball game, and Nelly didn’t like it.

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Sure no one would ever want to shoot a baby, but honestly, a one month old is way too little to be an effective human shield. You cover chest and you expose the face, cover your face with the baby and you expose your chest as well as your nose to any baby stink. The trick really is to find the perfect mix of size and cute “You wouldn’t shoot me, would you Mr. Policeman?” factor. Your best bet is Justin Bieber, but the Biebs wasn’t in North St. Louis the other day, so one would have to improvise with a baby.

Unemployed Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has drug the pineapple through quite a number of ladies. First he got Jessica Simpson on her way down from being hot and famous, then he snagged Carrie Underwood on the way up, but now he’s decided the only goal line he wants to eternally scramble for belongs to is former 2008 Miss Missouri and Mizzou alum, Candice Crawford. (Here’s hoping we are the first site to make a football metaphor for her vagina! *fingers crossed*)

In a tornado season where more old junk has been blown than at a Red 7’s Swingers Night, the Fulton emergency weather alarm decided that it didn’t want to ruin anyone’s Wednesday with a warning siren, so it held off until Thursday. There were no storms Thursday mind you, so in essence it was a “If you’re hearing this, you survived!” alarm. We don’t have any hard numbers, but it seems more celebratory, while somewhat less effective.

Holy crap, it’s about time! City Judge Jack Garvey (not pictured) has decided that enough is enough with the gun-related violence in the city and is doing what he can to stop it. Specficially, he’s taking every gun-related case that comes through his courtroom and multiplying the standard bond by 10.

Judge Jack Garvey is now requiring suspects to post from $30,000 to $50,000 cash bond to be released until their case is heard.

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What the hell St. Charles?! You guys all think it’s funny to sit in your comfy, non-rubble homes watching tornado movies? Too soon man. Too soon.

Our eagle eyed tipster, one Aaron Burrows, nabbed this screenshot as proof. He was horrified by his fellow townsfolk, so he gets a pass. We will give St. Charles a point for enjoying Baseketball though, which was a fine flick that had St. Louis’ native son Bob Costas utter the line “You’re excited? Feel these nipples!” …but you also enjoy Maverick and that movie sucked. Also, Mystery Science Theater 3000 has it’s moments. Ok, so to review… +1 for Baseketball, +1 for Mystery Science Theatre, -1 for Maverick and then – 1,000 for the tornado National Geographic movie.