In a story so weird, only a giant, airport stomping storm could blow it off the front page, two prisoners escaped from the St. Louis Justice Center. A jail so high-tech that it’s only venerability are movie escape plots.
Inmates Vernon Lamont Collins, 34, and David White, 33, apparently broke out a front window and scaled down the front of the building at 200 S. Tucker Boulevard using black bedsheets tied together with rope. The mostly translucent window on the west facade faces Tucker, directly across the street from City Hall.
Gene Stubblefield, the city’s commissioner of corrections, said the inmates climbed through a ceiling access panel into a utility space above the ceiling of the second-floor infirmary where they were staying. He said he didn’t know how they opened the panel, and that the men apparently cut rebar to gain access to the outer glass window and broke the glass with an unknown “instrument.”
St. Louis corrections officials should also make sure sewage pipes aren’t breakable with rocks during thunderstorms and that Sean Connery is never falsely imprisoned there.
In a fun twist, the two escapees also happen to be some of the worst people ever (Thank god that the kid in jail for a bag of weed is still locked up, keeping us all safe from his incomprehensible giggling and horrible BO!).
Both escapees are violent, officials say. One is charged with stabbing a man 21 times in March. The other allegedly stabbed a woman and used her child as a human shield in January.
Lovely. Throw in the charge of deleting your Tivo recordings before you can watch them and you’re looking at previously unseen evil levels! Does that mean that we are talking about two geniuses that masterminded an escape scheme so perfect that it could not have been stopped, or are we talking about two violent retards that just kept doing a horrible job of escaping, but, luckily for them, the people that run the prison were just a little more stupid and or lazy than they were? Here’s a hint: The jail in in St. Louis and run by the city.
Rainford, [Mayor Slay’s Chief of Staff], said: “This was not some master-minded scheme. This was one knuckle-headed corrections officer.”
[Gene Stubblefield, the city’s commissioner of corrections] told reporters that a nurse had heard noises coming from the inmate’s cell three times and asked the corrections officer on duty to investigate each time. But the corrections officer never entered the cell, Stubblefield said.
At least one of the times, an inmate explained the noises by saying he was “shadow boxing.”
“What was he hitting?” Stubblefield asked, in disbelief. “He never went in the cell. Never went in the cell!”
As stupid as it sounds, maybe actually holding on to the criminals may be asking for too much for a city with crime like ours. Baby steps folks. Hey, they even already caught one of the escapees! Granted they’ve only managed to catch the one with two broken legs, and rocking the perfect disguise of a “stupid looking…Bruce Lee wig” because nothing says “Move right along officer, nothing of interest here!” like a black guy with two broken legs rocking Bruce Lee hair! …we’re sure the other guy with a good set of wheels will be apprehended any time now, especially if he crosses the border in to a jurisdiction that knows what they’re doing.
Pro Tip: Maybe, just for the next couple of days, don’t answer the door to any large “Bible Salesmen” in Bruce Lee wigs holding a baby like a shield.