PUNCHING KITTY

The fire station in Kinloch, just to the east of Lambert Airport, does not have the money to pay for their power bill and they are over a thousand dollars in the red to Ameren. Ameren Missouri sent the department a notice, dated November 15th, saying the department faces disconnection. The bill totals $1,271.88. Volunteer firefighter, Richard Parks, says an Ameren employee went to the station to cut off power earlier today, but did not do it after seeing the building is used as a fire station. [Read More]

Kurt Warner won a Super Bowl for the Rams and a probable Disney movie with his ultimate St. Louis scrappy life story. We don’t remember all the details since no one mentioned it much…pretty sure it had something to do with stocking shelves at HyVee, football and praying to Jesus/Cthulhu that Trent Green would get hurt (totally worked!). Eh. Not important. The important thing is that he is a Rams legend and not matter how many random stops he did along down the final path to retirement, he will always be a Ram. [Read More]

St. Louis native and rapper Nelly had his new album, “5.0” (See that’s 3 more than how everything is 2.o right now.) last week. It did not go well. “5.0” sold 63,000 copies its first week out. The same week, Susan Boyle sold 335,000 copies, the unknown Jackie Evancho sold 239,000 copies and Rihanna sold 209,000 copies. We thought that maybe people are simply finally getting tired of Nelly starting off all his songs with “Uh. [Read More]

Damn you Betty White! First you remind everyone you aren’t dead and suddenly become the nation’s “Random Old Person” joke appearing on every stupid show that can afford your rider of Metamucil, Blackjack chewing gum and a bowl of only red heart pills. Now, your showing up at Randy’s Jewelry in O’Fallon and stealing? Stop it Betty White! Your random appearances are no longer humorous or funny. We’ll have someone wheel you back in to obscurity with the rest of the old people in a moment. [Read More]

St. Louis’ 250th birthday isn’t until 2014, but that’s just around the corner when you are planning a big ass quarter-millenia bash! Missouri History Museum president Robert Archibald is leading the planning group preparing for the 2014 commemoration. Archibald says the goal is to organize a commemoration that includes the entire region. Alright! Lets all get together and celebrate the fact that our home will be 250 years old. We may not see 300, but that’s ok, we’re old and old people/cities can do all kinds of crazy stuff like being #1 in violent crime, #2 in Chlamydia, #12 in Gonorrhea and #1 in hairy backed people deciding to wear mesh shirts in public places. [Read More]

It just seemed fair. We made it close you know? But in the end, we gave the Rams their first road win. Plus their coaches were really are very good for half the game, but we could see them starting to cry in the 4th quarter calling all those runs. — An anonymous Denver player we made up. Yes, our young little Rams managed an elusive win on the road yesterday in Denver, but the victory wasn’t exactly clean. [Read More]

St. Louis: Where the people you don’t know shoot you and the people you love give you an STD! …but we have the Arch!!! St. Louis dropped from the #1 Gonorrhea city to the 12th in the recently released federal statistics, but held firm on to the silver medal for Chlamydia. Each year, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention releases data on the three sexually transmitted diseases — chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis — that physicians are required to report. [Read More]

Three kids enter a gas station to steal some chips. Maybe Ruffles. We aren’t sure, but Ruffles are the best, only morons steal Doritos. The teenage boy entered Myrt’s Northland Market at 2814 North Kingshighway with two other teens, Lt. Ken Lammert said. The owner, Myrtle Dunn, watched the teens take some potato chips and try to leave the store without paying. Dunn demanded they return them, and two of the teens did so, Lammert said. [Read More]

People around town have been getting the following email… From: Jim Edmonds’ F15teen Steakhouse Subject: Free Luxury Ride to the Guns N’ Roses Concert OMG the band that the 80’s left behind, Guns ‘n Roses are coming to town! Didn’t you hear? It must have been huge news considering the last time they took the stage here there was a “tussle” of some type (it was kinda big news)! It was everywhere right? [Read More]

We can’t get those 5 minutes back. No matter how hard we may want it, it’s just not going to happen. For the rest of our lives, we will always remember when we lost 5 minutes of our lives listening to what happens when a tourism commercial bangs elevator music and then that baby bangs a giant pile of dog crap and then that baby’s baby made a YouTube video about itself.

This video is somehow making the rounds as we have been sent this from a number of people in the last few days. For those that choose not to watch, it consists of a woman (above) singing to a packed house (read: empty) about how she gets the blues if she can’t be with “you” and then wants that mysterious person to “come on now” and meet her in “New St. Lou” where they can visit the Arch, and go look at fountains, you know, all the stuff people that who live here never ever do. The question remains though: What the hell is “new” about St. Louis? Not sure. We don’t think they were worried about what that means as much as they were worried about name dropping every single suburban, sweater vest required activity in our fine city (Zoo, Botanical Gardens, the Hill, Grand Center…)

How does this compare to previous St. Louis anthems that have been brushed aside by us in the past? On the surface, there may not be much similar to past challengers (“The Worst Music Video Ever Was Shot in a St. Louis Condo’s Kitchen“, and “Former St. Louis Cop Makes His Entry to the Horrible St. Louis Music Video Contest“), but upon closer inspection there are a few key characteristics throughout all of these wannabe anthems:

1. Use of the shortened “Lou” name. They all think that “St. Louis” is far too long for everyday song use, and instead turn to calling our city “the Lou” or “St. Lou”. St. Lou_is,_ St. Lou, The Lou…The city of Saint Louis…The Lou. Ok it’s shorter and probably easier to rhyme, but is the “is” really worthy of being shortened? Two freaking letters you lazy bastards.

2. The need to cram in every single St. Louis establishment in order to prove their local connection. You know what? We get it. You’re from St. Louis. You don’t need to read off the whole Wikipedia page to prove that your song is about St. Louis.

3. White chicks. Each of these videos had a white chicks featured on screen at some point. What?! We can notice that.

4. They are all horrible. Not sure if this trait was on purpose. Maybe that can be St. Louis’ thing! “Hey we make crappy anthems for ourselves and stab each other for our belongings. Is that your car? Nice. You just going to park it on the street right there. Perfect. See it…I mean you…later.”

Full video after the jump!

[Read More]