Suburban Journals Columnist Says St. Louis County Has Bad Teeth?!

Oh no you didn’t Steve Pokin of the Suburban Journals’ “Pokin Around” column! (Ah! We see what you did there with your name being “Pokin” and all. Clever)  Dude straight said St. Charles County has better teeth than those on the right side of the Missouri River.

Oh wait. First he calls us bullies!

I don’t think I’m being oversensitive when I say a lot of people in St. Louis like to make fun of us. They’ll make snooty comments about our love of hunting, guns and squirrel recipes.

And lately, some have portrayed us as a backwards, bike-a-phobic people.

Woah! Ok there Mr. Accusations. We don’t remember doing anything like that.

[Cue wavy sitcom flashback effect…]

St. Charles County Also Hates Bicycles

A bill is working its way through St. Charles County’s political system that would ban bicycles traffic on streets such as Highway D, DD, F, Z, and 94. Maybe the move here would be to spend some time renaming these dumb-ass highways…except for Highway Double-D, that one can stay. Boobs.

Squirrely-Looking Convict Running Free in St. Charles Amid Other Squirrly-Looking St. Charles County Residents

He’ll be the crazy looking skinny white guy with ill-advised facial hair. Luckily everyone else without a job running around at all hours, between the ages of 16 and 30 looks just like that in St. Charles.

St. Charles County’s Last Dance with Mary Jane

…this is St. Charles County we are talking about. The home of “Christian” values, sweater vests and happiness for all…unless you are gay, mexican or hold any opinion other than the norm. Is that a generalization? Of course. But you gotta admit its damn close to spot on.

[Fade back in…]

Oh that St. Charles County. Ok, we may have fired some shots. Fair enough.

Pokin continues…

A story in the current issue of Men’s Health magazine. Men’s Health researched by U.S. city how healthy our teeth are and concluded St. Louis has the worst teeth in the nation. The good citizens of San Jose, Calif., have the best.

St. Charles County residents have known this to be true for years. We’ve just been too polite to say anything.

Besides, we know many of you on the other side of the river someday will live among us out here in St. Charles County, a land of modern dentistry.

First off Mr. Pokin, these don’t count as “bad teeth”:

They are expensive, shiny and because of the last two things we said, awesome. Also worth noting is that the most egregious of your county’s dental delinquents are usually rocking camouflage, making them all but invisible to the naked eye. and thus uncountable in your scientific study.

Also, if we were you, we certainly wouldn’t pull the “we don’t like to look at you at Cardinal games” card. Ahem…

(Fat guy image credit: Joe Sports

Oh and don’t think we missed your toothless smile in your headshot (above).