“Jesus, he scares the hell out of you”

That’s what was on some Kirkwood Middle Schooler’s shirt the other day, and we can sit down some time over General Mills flavored coffee to discuss the reverse cleverness of that shirt and how it’s, frankly, a rare shot of honesty to claim that Jesus is scaring you in to doing good things, but that is for another day. Today we’re talking about how Kirkwood Middle School wouldn’t let Michelle Ramirez wear that shirt to class. …because it said “hell” right? …or maybe “Jesus”? Not exactly.

The school’s dress code policy says this is a slang use of the word “HELL” and wants to ban it. “Outside the school environment, it might be fine.” Kirkwood School District Community Relations Director Ginger Fletcher said, “But anything within the school that is inappropriate, vulgar use of language might create a disruption in the school, we’ll ask the student to modify the garment.”

To be clear, it’s not the fact that the shirt says the word “hell” that is violating the school’s rule, it’s that the shirt is using the slang version of the word “hell”. So just to be super clear: “Jesus, the scares the hell out of you” is no good..but “Jesus, this school is worse than hell.” or “Jesus can’t save you from going to hell because you’re one of those people that thinks wearing little fedoras is a cute look.” are perfectly acceptable.

Michelle was taken out of her classes and did her schoolwork elsewhere due to her refusal to change the shirt. Christina [Michelle's mother] disagrees with the school’s view of the meaning of the word in question on the shirt. “There’s more emphasis on the word “HELL”, yes,” Chirstina admits, “but it’s in all CAPS. It’s a place. It’s not… She’s not using it as a slang. So if she’s not using it as a slang, then the shirt should be ok.”

“I don’t think it’s a slang word because it’s all capitalized,” Michelle added, “and even though the “Hell” is a different color, that it still mean the same thing: That he does scare the hell out of you, that you’re not letting the devil in.”

You know Fox2, you can feel free to edit down the stammering quotes from your interviewees.

Allow us to settle this…

To the school: You’re rule is retarded and doesn’t make a lot of sense. It’s gotta be rough being held to rules with no grey area like this because whoever’s in charge doesn’t think you can handling making decisions like that based on your own judgment. Johnny can’t read, but at least he knows when you can and can’t use the word hell in the public school system! He’ll be sure to use it correctly when he saying “Wow, I went through hell yanking off all those dudes to get enough money to buy this meth.” Feel free to put that on a shirt if you want, it’s all legal according to the hell usage guidelines!

To the little broad: Shut up and don’t wear the shirt to school anymore. That’s the rules. It doesn’t matter if you don’t agree and its not like you got your ass beat for it, so just don’t wear the shirt. If every rule a kid deemed “unfair” got to be haggled over in the media Fox2 wouldn’t have any time to post a story two days late with far less detail on a national news item already covered better by other people. Also, lets just nip this “edgy religious kid” thing in the bud right now: It’s lame, and one day in college this post is going to come up under a Google search for your name and the guy you like is going to make fun of you. If you want to be religious, that’s totally cool, but lets not pretend there is such a thing as “punk jesus” where you rock shirts that have the word “hell” on them in spray paint font and you go hang out with your youth group at various “praise-fests” with a bunch of other douche-bags with tats and ear stretching’s for Jesus. as if somewhere along the way he said, “I hope kids get to be 13 and decide to look like a bunch of green-haired posers because of me.” We’re pretty sure you’re confusing Jesus with Green Day.

via Fox2

Oh hey look: You can buy your own version of the stupid shirt on E-Bay! Go internet!

Remember yesterday when we told you about the guy that really really wanted to get in that Denny’s on Hampton Sunday and ended up getting shot in the leg by the police? His mugshot was released after being charged with 1st Degree Property Damage and a count of Attempted Assult on a Law Enforcement Officer.

Turns out that dude was Jesus.

This changes everything. First off that officer shot Jesus, so he’s got to deal with that. Not sure how many Hail Marys something like that is, but it’s got to be over seven. Secondly lets let Jesus out of jail and give him the Denny’s he wanted. All Jesus wanted was a Root ‘n Tootie Fresh and Fruity after a hard New Years Eve protecting the city limits from the dangerous storm that damaged all the surrounding counties who, logic would then dictate, hate Jesus. Oh, well he was going to protect the whole city limits but he bent over to pick up a nickel and North St. Louis got a little nicked.  ”Who would notice?” he thought.

The South City Hope Lutheran School‘s nativity scene was stolen recently in the beginning of a crime wave that can only escalate to other honorable crimes such as throwing puppies against brick walls, kicking old lady’s in the neck and talking the whole time through the Yogi Bear movie.

The theft happened over the weekend. Nearly 30 figures were painted and added to the display. Kindergartners dedicated parts of this to honor someone special. All that’s left are the figures surrounding what used to be a nativity scene.

Ok, so this was probably done by the Jews right? Clearly they hate Jesus, taking out “original” Jesus a few thousand years back, and now they are going after plywood baby Jesus! Well look, it had to have been the Jews or St. Louis is the kind of town that steals cutouts of the three wisemen, hand-painted by kindergarteners adored with tokens that remind the kids of the special people in their life. You tell us what is more likely…yeah we know. It’s the second option. We’re horrible people in the city, but you’ve got to come to us for Gus’ Pretzels. That’s the deal.

“If it was a prank, I’d just like tomorrow morning maybe they could just be leaning up against the side of the school or stick them in the bushes, or leave them back,” Cooney said. “We’re not looking for arresting anyone, we’d just like to see them back.”

Fox2′s Dave Murray is reporting that tomorrow’s weather will have a pleasant warm up until the temperature reaches “fire”-type levels around noon, followed by scattered brimstone lasting until at least the beginning of rush hour.

via KSDK

Kurt Warner won a Super Bowl for the Rams and a probable Disney movie with his ultimate St. Louis scrappy life story. We don’t remember all the details since no one mentioned it much…pretty sure it had something to do with stocking shelves at HyVee, football and praying to Jesus/Cthulhu that Trent Green would get hurt (totally worked!). Eh. Not important. The important thing is that he is a Rams legend and not matter how many random stops he did along down the final path to retirement, he will always be a Ram. Right Kurt?!

You son of a bitch (LOL). It’s cool. Whatever. The Rams only gave you your first shot and put you behind a offense with Marshall Faulk and a pair of great wide outs. Sure we “sent you packing”, but dude…seriously now…you weren’t any good. You needed a few years to get over getting “Martzed” in the backfield all the time, we had to move on. Sure you got to a Super Bowl with the Cardinals and the warm southwestern air transformed your wife back in to a woman again, but what else did they do for you Kurt?! Did they worship you with countless old faded Warner 13 jerseys packing the Dome each Sunday? Did Arizona give you a Kevin Slaten, your personal radio knob-slobberer? No, it doesn’t matter that no one remembers he still has a show, it’s not important, what is important that we love you Kurt!

WWJD Kurt? We’ll tell you what he’d do. He’d still be a Ram at heart. He wasn’t all like:

Think about that Kurt. Think about that hard. You just made Kevin Slaten cry. Are you happy now?!

Look for the “who does he love more” contest during the Rams vs Cardinals game this Sunday that Warner is providing the color commentary on.

The Jews killed Jesus and now Jesus killed classical music in St. Louis. When will man’s violent march stop?!

99.1 switched from one of the only 16 classical stations to christian rock 99.1 JoyFM today.

Joking aside (for just a moment though) people are really either pissed or over-”joy”ed. There seems to be no middle ground…well I guess some, since we really don’t care that much.

Reports on the station after it’s first few hours of life are exactly as you would think: If you like Christian Rock, you love it. Seems like everyone should have seen that coming, but there’s a lot of surprise out there that makes us think otherwise.

Oh, and then there’s the news that the station owners are being dicks to the employees they just cut loose. Apparently if they want their severance package, they can’t work for anyone at all for the whole six months. What kind of setup is that?!  I guess for the people laid off there are only one set of footprints in the sand because their contractually obligated to not walk with anyone else on the beach for six months.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to go wait by our inbox for a message we just know is coming.

More on this story:
“Classical Music Station 99.1 Finds Jesus“
“Dear Punching Kitty: You’re Going to Hell“