Hey stupid moms, stop going to work and leaving your kids with your boyfriend! It never works out. “It’s no problem!” you think; “I’m sure he’s great with them!” you assume, but just because you feel like you’ve known him forever after he said “No it’s cool if they watch. I don’t mind kids.” after he became the surprise guest to last weekend’s drunken threesome, doesn’t mean he’s not going to do something equally horrible and far less consensual to your kids the minute you’re out of the house.

This week’s “boyfriend did something horrible to kids he was inexplicably left in charge of” story doesn’t involve a penis though…but their was penetration. Give up? He’s a biter!

Police say [James] Parizon’s girlfriend left her son in Parizon’s care as she went to work Saturday.  What happened inside the apartment is a mystery, but police say the boy was bitten and doctors confirm he suffered from human bite marks, from an adult.

Why would you bite a four-year old?

‘We believe that alcohol may have played a role in it that Mr. Parizon may have been intoxicated, and from there we`re not real sure what caused the incident to escalate to that type of violence with the child.’

Naturally.

Parizon`s own two children, both under the age of 7, were also inside the apartment Saturday.  They were not harmed.  He does not have custody of those children.

Well duh. You can’t bite you’re own kids. They’d taste just like you, and that’s totally gross.

[Editor's Note: The photo above is of Eddie Winslow from 90's TGIF sitcom 'Family Matters', played by Darius McCrary. Why? You wouldn't believe how hard it was to find a non-disgusting image that made sense for this article. It was a real bitch. Anyway, long story short, despite the fact that Darius has probably never bit a four-year old, he's no doubt grateful for the press.]

via Fox2

“Blake’s dad, can I throw your son in to the audience?”

Despite it appears from the shots above that this is the first step in a ritual human child sacrifice, no one was hurt, and it all ended up ok…but geez, even we cringed a little seeing the Aquabats front man throw progressively younger kids in to a sea of strangers during Sunday night’s show at the Pageant.

(Full YouTube video embedding after the jump.)

Hat tip to our commenter for the heads up!

(more…)

On Saturday, a 11-year old boy was visiting someone when he wandered across a loaded shotgun.  You know how this goes…he started playing with it and some how managed to shoot himself in the butt.

He is in critical but stable condition.

From the Globe Democrat:

Authorities said the gun belonged to a 52-year old man who lives at the home on Dick Gregory Place. So far no charges have been filed against the owner of the gun.

Authorities plan to file those charges once they start giggling about the street name.

There are no details as to how the kid shot himself in the butt, which is too bad because I’m really not sure how that would go down.  Its pretty clear to us that there was a second shooter.  Here is our artist’s rendering:

…or he just turned it around or sat on it or something.  Who knows.