In case you forgot the way to get help via the phone that most of you grew up ingrained in your minds, Mayor Slay is here to help with a perfectly timed tweet reminding you all about 911 for all your Snowpocalypse related emergencies.

Where the hell was this kind of helpful tidbit in November when the city seems to be in the midst of a race against 2009’s death toll? Oh well…ok, so if you report those kind of emergencies it makes us look bad (by “bad” we mean “worst than Detroit”) so just try to use 911 for weather stuff and call…um…912 we guess…for all your “I’m got lost going to Crown Candy and people keep shooting at me” kinda emergencies. Also, if you were to then feel yourself dying, could you try to take a taxi out to St. Charles County? The city will reimburse you and really appreciate it.

At this point, we’re quite sure that you know all about the Giants and Vikings NFL adventure: The Giants tried to get to Minnesota, but got stranded in Kansas City (sucks for them), causing Sunday’s game to be played on Monday…and then…this shit happened.

…which moved the game to Detroit. You also know that the Vikings got destroyed and people talked about Brett Favre the whole time.

What you might now have known is that one mayor offered to have the game played at his local stadium instead of Detroit. Sure his stadium is much farther than Detroit’s proximity to the original game, in fact the teams would have to pass up at least 4 other perfectly good stadiums on the way to his. Also his stadium is pretty crappy, not tattered roof with piles of snow crappy, but close. What mayor would make himself look like a complete dumbass by not only officially offering his stadium but then following that up with telling everyone that he did it, sparing himself just the quiet embarassment of having NFL officials laughing at him?

Everything is on Facebook. Everything. Because of that little fact, its a great way to spend your Thursday night, going through things to see how popular they are based on their number of “Likes”.

For instance, we found St. Louis’ Mayor, Francis Slay‘s page rocking a pretty damn low 35 “likes”:

35! You know what has more than 35 likes? Sure you can name a bunch of popular people that have way more than 35 likes. Say Albert Pujols…

27 year old Benjamin Slay, nephew to St. Louis mayor Francis Slay, has been charged with “aggravated stalking” after violating a court order by coming in contact with…well…someone he wasn’t supposed to.

The victim or their connection to Slay has not been released. Its gotta be an ex of some sort though right?

It would be cooler though if it tied in to another St. Louis celeb. Like maybe he was stalking Ted Drewes. Yeah! Lets get this rumor going. You tell 2 people and so will we!

St. Louis is poor. Mayor Slay is about a month away from having city employees sell cheese and sausage to their families. If only there was another way! If the city could only fine a service they provide and then charge more for it…

City residents can expect to see their water rates increase, and a new $144-per-family annual trash fee. The city also talked about charging a $10-per-person entry fee for recreation centers, though that precise number may not stick.

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So apparently St. Louis is a chess hot-bed. Who knew? Apparently its such an awesome chess scene that this crap happened…

A few weeks ago, [Hikaru Nakamura, the reigning national chess champion] made news simply by relocating. The 22-year-old announced he was moving from Seattle to St. Louis to be a part of the burgeoning chess scene and to be a spokesman for the swanky Chess Club and Scholastic Center of St. Louis.

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A couple of weeks ago we took a few shots at the people running and living near Tower Grove park that got together to give the boot to one of the kickball leagues.

Tower Grove park should not be caving to some stuck-up park adjacent people who just want to have a quiet weekend. You bought a house by a park! In the middle of a city! … Having a bunch of people hanging out in the city each weekend is exactly what this city needs morhttp://www.cincodemayostl.com/indexTop.jpge of! Of course some of those people will be dipshits. It happens when you get any group of people around that size, but it’s not worth shooting your neighborhood in the foot just because some asshole puked on your flowers once. Last time we checked, there were plenty of drunken assholes at Cardinal games, but no one’s saying we should move those out to the county so they don’t ruin anyone’s weekend.

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This is the first we are hearing of St. Louis’ own “Strippermobile” but this has to be the greatest thing we have ever heard of…ever…all time…and we’ve heard of lots of cool stuff before like that thing your mom does with her tongue and a carrot, so we know when something is top of the list cool. The Strippermobile is it. As Mayor Slay describes it:

Have you been reading the St. Louis City Mayor’s Twitter account lately? Damn he’s getting bossy. In the last 12 hours Frankie Slay has told us what to wear, what to go see, and what to do with our weekend.

First off let us say that when we glance at his tweets we see: “If you select your work clothes the night before, remember to think RED. #fags” Don’t you? Sorry, but you will now. Now maybe this is when we’ll loose you, but we are always bummed to find we read it wrong. Come on. You know you would laugh your ass off if you ever saw: “Hey lets make sure we are nice to any visiting Cubs fans this weekend. #fags”?!

Maybe you haven’t heard because you only use your computer for Facebook and sending people eCards and viruses, but Google threw it out there a few weeks ago that they are trying to get in to the crazy-fast internet service game and basically said “Hey, United States cities?  You want it?  Show me what you got.” Which prompted just about every city in the union to lose their shit trying to convince Google to go to the internet prom with them.  Hell, Topeka, Kansas basically became that first groupie to go down on Google, not because they are slutty, they just want to show Google how much they mean to them, by “changing” their city’s name to Google, Kansas.  Whore.