Somebody’s Ghetto Ass Just Won 1.6 Million Dollars

A $1.6 Million dollar lottery winning ticket was purchased at…well, we wouldn’t call it horrible, but it’s not good and a little ghetto, Schnucks over in University City off of Olive Boulevard. You know the one. It’s by the ghetto-ish Jack in the Box, across the street from the ghetto-ish Imo’s, next to the fat ladies clothing store and a $1 dollar store.

Someone purchased a winning ticket at the Schnucks Market at 6920 Olive Boulevard.  It matched all six numbers drawn on May 14 to win the $1.6 million jackpot.

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$800,000 of Lotto Winnings Left Unclaimed in South County

3, 11, 24, 26, 29

A “Show Me Cash” (see what they did there?) ticket was sold a Quicktrip on Gravois in South County that won the lucky owner precisely $829,986, but as of this writing, the prize is still unclaimed.

What could a South County resident buy with over $800,000 dollars? Um…lets se…here are our top 5 guesses:

  1. An $800,000 dollar Best Buy gift card.

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Past Missouri Lotto Winner Tried to Sell Infant Grandson

Everyone says that money won’t change them, but few can hold that claim after actually having won a Million dollars…everyone except Patty Bigbee, who was a crazy old lady when she wasn’t rich, won a Million dollars in the Missouri Lottory two years ago, and then recently was busted for trying to sell her infant grandson. The lesson? Always be true to yourself.

Patty Bigbee, 45, and her boyfriend Lawrence Works, 42, were arrested last Friday in Daytona Beach and charged with illegal sale or surrender of a child, the Florida Department of Law Enforcement said. Bigbee was also charged with communication fraud.

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This is How the Nation Thinks of Missourians

Dammit. Why can’t we ever get in the news with a nice, regular looking, non-hoosier for once?! Just once. That’s all we want. Just once to say to the rest of the nation “Hey look. I know you think we are back water hicks that live in a place where you make movies about fancy California getting sent here as some sort of punishment that ends of setting them straight, and by and large, that’s pretty close for the large majority of us, but I think it’s good for you to know that we aren’t all like this. Some of us have all our teeth and don’t just make our summer clothes by cutting off the sleeves and legs of our winter clothes.”

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Man Wins Lottery Twice, and All You Have are Anal Warts

43 year old St. Peters resident Mike Stigall has won the lottery twice at $55,000 a pop.

According to lottery officials, Stigall purchased a Show Me Cash ticket at Cosmic Liquor, 421 S. Church St. in St. Peters, for the April 11 drawing. The ticket matched all five numbers to win the $55,000 jackpot.

Now sure, we aren’t talking the mega-millions here, but twice?! This guy wins twice? This guy has actually won money on a scratcher ticket…twice. Sure he spent $200 grand on a stack of scratchers a day for 10 years, but that’s not the point dammit. The point is you’re working your ass off at the box factor and Stigall over here swings in to Cosmic Liquor and scopes up some pink Maddog 20/20 and 55 grand.  Also, I hear your significant other is cheating on you…and we could see your underwear all day at work. No one knew how to tell you, but it was totally obvious. Even that foreign guy was laughing at you about it and that guy smells like the alley that the bums pee in.

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