According to a lawsuit and as reported by the Post Dispatch, guards in the St. Louis jail (aka “City Wordhouse”) have been making prisoners fight in “gladiator-style” matches. Which is kinda awesome, but wrong of course…because…it’s just…um…OMG tell us about it! Are there swords?!

Some inmates named in the suit were both victim and attacker, the suit claims. Lawyers for those inmates say guards sometimes used promises of special privileges, extra food and snacks to enlist an attacker. Other times, they say, an inmate was himself threatened with attack unless he agreed to fight.

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1. Rams’ Steven Jackson vs Cardinals’ Albert Pujols

The two faces of their franchises and two nice guys, beating the hell out each other.  Should be awesome.

Winner? Pujols. Steven Jackson is great, but Pujols never loses.

2. KMOV’s Virginia Kerr vs KTVI’s April Simpson

There’s history here, which will make this a sellout for sure.  Some would see this and think this is some testosterone-fueled idea to see to chicks brawl and they’d be right, if they thought I wanted this to be in bikinis, which I don’t!  I want this fight in the fancy “you should trust me because I’m non-threatening” outfits. Yup, this will be one classy fight.