PUNCHING KITTY

Quick! What’s the word floccinaucinihilipilification mean? …no clue? Don’t feel bad average St. Louisan! The guy reading over your shoulder in the Tigers hat is probably still working on the word “Q-u-i-c-k”

According to a new report, 47 percent of Detroiters are  ”functionally illiterate.” The alarming new statistics were released by the Detroit Regional Workforce Fund on Wednesday.

“Not able to fill out basic forms, for getting a job — those types of basic everyday (things). Reading a prescription; what’s on the bottle, how many you should take… just your basic everyday tasks,” [Karen Tyler-Ruiz] said.

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As of right now, the price of gas is right around $4 a gallon in St. Louis. Area owners of giant trucks or SUVs are currently torn between hatin’ that dang Obama because of the gas prices, but still loving the fact he killed that dang Osama. Poor fellers, that sure is a lot of of “danging” and like-sounding names.

The following things are now no longer driving for because they were barely worth it with gas was only $3 a gallon:

If you noticed your drive down highway 40 through Chesterfield on Tuesday had a new chicken smell overpowering the usual stink of fast food chains and the ever-present fear of a levy breaking. Though, if you drive past Chick-Fil-A, you may not have noticed.

Chesterfield Police Lt. Steve Lewis says police are still looking for the truck that dropped a giant load of chicken parts in the eastbound lanes near the Timberlake Manor Parkway exit about 4:30 p.m., forcing a massive cleanup that blocked traffic for hours.

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The off duty police officer featured in the infamous YouTube video recorded on New Year’s Eve and released a few days later was cleared of all charges, while the drunk who got to taste the business end of a nightstick was charged with misdemeanor assault for lunging at the officer’s ankles.

The two-minute, 13-second video showed Officer Dustin Ries, 38, pulling a man away from a car, beating him with a police baton and spraying him with pepper spray. Ries, who was off-duty working security at the gas station, handcuffed the man and walked him toward a police substation there.

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Times are though, and when you want to kill someone without having to give up your in-aimable Uzi, sacrifices must be made!

According to authorities two men performed a drive-by shooting on a red moped.

One victim was shot in his side while sitting in his car. He is listed in serious condition.

The second victim was shot in the arm while standing on the sidewalk.

The suspects fled the scene.

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Ok, ok you’re pretty sure Nate Dogg’s dead right? We were too…until…seriously, hang in there with us for a second…we saw this security camera still taken from the Granite City, Illinois Advanced America Cash Advance (Where the second “advance” means advance!) store.

…and then remembered this:

Ok, so that’s definitely Nate Dogg, who isn’t dead, and/or has now become a zombie. No word on Eazy E’s status as of yet, but he had AIDS…and um…AIDS even takes out zombies we figure, so he might just still be dead. We’s use our vast investigative network to double check, but dude…AIDS. He’s dead. Trust us he’s dead. Nate Dogg: Pretty sure he’s alive now and robbing stores in western Illinois, Eazy E: Still dead with the AIDS.

When you’re 17 you do some crazy stuff. One summer a few of us guys decided to make a pact to get laid before we went to college, it was a wild time trying to get laid and win the bet. One guy screwed a pie, another guy banged the other dude’s mom and along the way we coined the term MILF that is still a popular parlance today. That may have actually been a movie I saw when we were 17, but still…wild times. We remember the popcorn was pretty buttery and we when realized we didn’t have any napkins…we wiped our hands on the seat. Right on the seat! …long story short, we felt horrible about it and told the janitor right after the movie, but oh man! You should’ve seen the look on his face! It was probably a lot like the look on a Godfrey woman’s face after Latayuss Curry showed her his chubby in the Schnuck’s parking lot. …nailed it! That is how you segue my friends!

Last Friday, the 22nd, while the rest of you were cowering in your homes because thunder is scary, our intrepid man about town, The Paparazzo, took in a show at The Firebird. The show featured the Chicago-based band “In Tall Buildings”, but our guy says the whole show was great.

You can see the full photo spread on The Paparazzo’s flickr set, and as for the headliners, you can download two free songs (which are both pretty great).

If you’ll recall, Lambert Airport got wind-raped pretty hard last Friday. After getting its windows blown out and roof ripped off, it was back to full capacity yesterday, a mere 5 days later. The Cape Girardeau Airport has however been closed since Sunday because of puddles.

Cape Air has been closed since Sunday.

The airport was temporarily shut down because there is a large amount of standing water on the runway.

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…oh yeah…help make cannabis legal! Saturday May 7th! …don’t forget to get some Funyuns…maybe we can do some hooka afterwards since we’ll be in the Loop…oh dude, and then Fitz’s for fried pickles!

This is a classic “Oh man, lets try to get weed to be legal” move: Post a vague meeting date on Craigslist, make no mention of what you plan to do or accomplish and make the meeting for the hippiest part of town. This is either another in a long line of stupid Free Cannabis rallies, or the smartest sting the St. Louis County Police force has ever thought of. If this works, their next move is to talk about all the six year olds wandering around the Loop desperate for van candy.