PUNCHING KITTY

Ever been to a Radio Shack? No? Well don’t bother. They’re empty little stores filled with horrible cell phones, overly expensive cables and little portable black and white TVs that are totally pointless, unless you like watching Mr. Bean reruns on PBS through a haze of static on a 2.5-inch screen. No one wants to go in to a Radio Shack…well, almost no one.

The target of the vandals was the Radio Shack store in the 3500 block of Hampton Avenue near Potomac Street.  The bandits smashed windows in the store front around 1:15 Friday morning, then looted the business taking electronics and various components before fleeing in a vehicle.

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Check out the July issue of St. Louis Magazine, the one with a Ted Drewes cup on the cover, flip to page 79, give yourself a second to read about John Hamm on the previous page, then look slightly right…a little more right…now look up…check us out yo! A-List! Right there next to Erin Bode, who’s photo looks like they really cropped tightly, removing the full shoot where we’re towering over her with our shirt off and rocking some skin-tight cutt-off jeans shorts, as she looks right in to our crotch. Damn shame. Trust us though, that shit’s for real!

Over the last weekend a piece ran in the Post Dispatch about a guy that had his laptop stolen. With the help of exactly no one, he managed to locate the thief by logging in to his computer and trick him in to typing in his name and address. The victim gave all the information to the police who did…nothing.

Four days after the June 20 burglary of his Pennsylvania Avenue home, Van Almsick grew tired of waiting.

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An old lady in St. Charles was shocked to see her water bill in April was for $2,043.78, and we’re all talking about this because nothing all that interesting is going on.

Kelly, who is 80 and lives alone in her home in the 2000 block of Graystone Drive, has been disputing the accuracy of the 351,000 gallons of metered water consumption the city billed her for.

Kelly sent a letter disputing the bill to the city’s public works director, Debra Aylsworth, in May and met with public works officials on June 14. Following that meeting, Kelly received a letter from John Zimmerman, assistant director of public works. In the letter, Zimmerman concludes that Kelly’s Neptune AMR meter was not malfunctioning and that the city could not offer an adjustment on her bill based on meter error.

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If you’re on the internet, you know about the recent surge of photo memes. For example, there’s Philosoraptor, Hipster Kitty, Scumbag Steve, Socially Awkward Penguin, Business Cat, and Technologically Impaired Duck just to name some of the better ones. …but now…we present to you…the beginning of the “Mayor Slay” meme! He’s a nice-guy mayor awkwardly leading a city further in to crappiness, so these pretty much write themselves…except for the ones we did, those took amazing comedic skill.

After having over 20 cars broken in to downtown, the St. Louis Police finally made a breakthrough over the weekend when they arrested two suspects in connection with the break-ins…and by “connection”, we mean that they totally did it.

Suspect Calvin Willis, 25, was ordered held on $75,000 bond after being charged with second degree assault, first degree tampering and resisting arrest.

Alright! Yeah! Maybe next time you’ll think twice before doing something hurtful like trying to steal our Paula Cole CD off our passenger seat! Where have all the cowboys gone?! Calvin stole them, that’s where, but now he’s in jail.

16 days. That’s how long it takes for a broken wrist to heal. You take any longer than that and you’re just milking it you pussy. That’s not us talking mind you, it’s Albert Pujols and he can do that because he set the bar yesterday miraculously returning to the Cardinals just over two weeks from the day he bashed his wrist against the Royals’ Wilson Betemit.

We aren’t just “America” here in St. Louis, we’re Middle America, the “Heartland”, right in the center! If someone would to motorboat lady America’s giant boobs, their nose would be rubbing St. Louis. As such, we love the Fourth of July and all the crap that comes with it: funnel cakes, tank tops, cut off jean shorts, washed up 90s bands playing loudly, and fireworks. Oh and if you think our patriotism is as fleeting as our love/hate relationship with Cardinal relief pitchers, it’s not! It doesn’t wear off with sweat, it doesn’t fade in the sun…but it does apparently wash off in the rain.

It all started out so normally: A man and a woman were burglarizing a home in Hillsboro, Missouri last Sunday, gleefully picking through a selection of power tools and DVD players in the home’s garage, but to say it got weird next doesn’t quite cover it. Here’s where the train came off the tracks and drove directly in to a tanker truck of crazy, causing a massive WTF explosion: First, the felonious couple decided they needed to have sex. Yeah, right there in the garage they were robbing. Apparently nothing says “Do me!” like a old stolen circular saw, but, and god help us we’d love to know why, Mrs. Burglar suddenly decided to pepper spray Mr. Burglar mid-coitus! Mrs. Burglar then took off their car, promptly driving it into a nearby pond, while Mr. Burglar managed to get up and try to make an escape, but not before he was spotted by the homeowner leading to his eventual capture as he was fleeing on foot, wearing only a raincoat.

Social news site Reddit’s St. Louis community put on a little impromptu play using numerous fake accounts the other day in the comments of a post to the site entitled “Reddit help! I am pitching and I can’t make an out!” by “RyanFranklin“, a account faked in homage of the recently released St. Louis Cardinals closer.

There’s really nothing else that we can do other than show you a (probably now slightly outdated) screenshot after the jump (it’s a long image). Read the comments and check the byline for the characters such as “JoseQuendo11”, “tonylarussa”, “Mark_McGwire”, “DelTacoBuilding” and “FrancisSlay”

Enjoy it in all it’s glory!