The Cardinals are winning and avoiding their all too frequent ass kicking defeats, but somehow Skip Schumaker is still going to wake up today with a sore ass.

Deadspin: “Skip Schumaker Got Fisted By A Teammate After The Cardinals’ Walk-Off Win”

The Cardinals are looking for anyone that can make them suck less on a regular basis, but it’s said they are not looking for help at second base. The reason? Kolten Wong (he’s the shirtless guy above).

Here’s the Cardinals prospect doing a video for someone about living in Springfield, MO (where the Cardinals AA team is located), his family back home in Hawaii, and something about his tattoos which was clearly a question designed to get him to take off his shirt. Same thing happens to us from time to time. We’ll just be walking by a elementary school when the lady teachers start yelling “Hey! Take that shirt off right now!”, and we’ll be like “Ok ladies…no problem. We’re walkin’ slow so you have plenty of time to take a peek.” We knew making this tshirt with an iron-on photo of us washing our balls while staring right in to your soul would be cause a stir, we just didn’t realize how much the ladies would dig it!

Everyone’s favorite Cardinal not named David Freese, Lance Berkman, is about to return to the club after a long stint on the disabled list, and he’s really looking forward to it. Like super excited. Really really really excited. Creepy excited:

…maybe a little too excited.

Take it down a notch Lance.

via STLToday

So the Cardinals got no-hit last night by the Mets…which sucks…and it’s even bigger news than a “regular” no-hitter since it’s the first one ever for the Mets, so it’s all over the news…which sucks more.

Sliver lining: While interviewing today’s Mets’ piture about the no-hitter, Mets channel SNY accidentally broadcast a full set of dick and balls.

Here’s the screenshot as uploaded to Reddit by “pminkin” earlier today (which we’ve edited by drawing a cartoon dick over the actual dick…not R.A. Dickey, he’s suitable for broadcast, just the penis.):

All those people out there that think Jets backup QB Tim Tebow and Rams starting QB Sam Bradford are nice, super Christian-types are dead wrong. Turns out both of these guys not-so-secretly worship the pagan god Nike and they must be stopped! …or at least that’s what the crazy guy on the internet told us.

[Editor’s Note: Everything below is for realz what one guy thinks. So consider this as confirmation of each and every one of the following crazy statements below. Hopefully it will keep us from instinctually putting “Seriously.” after every statement.]

It was a hot Memorial Day weekend in St. Louis, so you no doubt bore witness to a large number of dudes peeling their shirt off by the lake or BBQing or other mundane situations that make guys think they should take their shirt off. While all those shirts where being pulled off they no doubt uncovered lots of horrible things like fat, hair, oddly large nipples and more often than not, horrible tattoos.

Good catch by the tip line from yesterday’s Cardinal game. Poor Daniel Descalso, he’s only going to hit a few home runs each year, so the least Fox Sports Midwest could do is get the man’s name right as he rounds the bases.

Of course it could be worse. They could have called him “Bench Player Guy”, like poor “Minor League Guy” from spring training.

Update: The is word that it wasn’t Photoshopped, but he was brought the shorts from the stands. The videos don’t show that however. Apologies to KSDK.

Original post follows because we just can’t let that Pirate Pants thing we made go to waste.

Everyone is all over the Cardinals streaker story this morning because some guy running around with his junk out is widely entertaining during a Cardinals game and a captive audience, but not funny at all when we do it at the mall or at a Pee Wee Football game.

Ok, we mentioned him one more time after all. We just couldn’t leave a Conan joke unmentioned!

via the Tip Line

We’ve always wished for the day when it would be announced that St. Louis would be the home of years of girls playing football in tight little outfits…but sadly the Rams still haven’t worked out their deal with the city, so Lingerie Football will have to do. [Editor’s Note: Tip you’re waitress folks!]

The St. Louis squad will compete in the Eastern Conference against the Baltimore Charm, the Cleveland Crush, the Philadelphia Passion, the Tampa Breeze and another expansion team in Omaha.

[Read More]