Sports on PUNCHING KITTY

The Blues are Stanley Cup Champions

Wed, 12 Jun 2019 22:55:01 +0000

Yeah. I came back for this. I pick and choose when I show up now, and I’ve skipped a lot of crazy stuff since I’ve been gone, but I can assure you the Blues winning the goddamned Stanley Cup qualifies.

This is indeed a crazy time for us all, and it feels weird because it’s a good crazy which a lot of you are very much not used to. Don’t be scared! Enjoy this time and ride out these strange feelings of happiness. If things get a bit too trippy, just remember that the Cardinals suck and there’s probably a new bill in the Missouri state senate that requires all women install a small inflatable slide in their vaginas to allow any fetuses easy exit in the case of a water landing. What I’m saying is that things will get back to normal really fast.

Tony LaRussa’s Wife Loves Machine Head

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 17:43:43 +0000

It’s true! As reported by Deadspin yesterday, Elaine LaRussa, wife of former Cardinal skipper Tony LaRussa, is a huge metal head. This is so awesome we might cry.

Deadspin retold the tail from Robb Flynn, the lead singer of metal band Machine Head, where Elaine accosted him in a Whole Foods:

Flash back to about a year and a half ago… I’m walking through Whole Foods in Walnut Creek talking on the phone to my friend Tom when a lady and her daughter approach me wide-eyed. “Are you fucking Robb Flynn?!” … “I could be…” They scream with delight and make a big ol’ to-do, “oh my god, we’re huge fans, I love ‘The Blackening’, I’m Tony La Russa’s wife!” I’m tripped out, they’re both super nice, we take pictures, my friend is laughing his ass off, more about the fact that I was swarmed in a freakin’ Whole Foods than anything else.

The Rams’ Danny Amendola Hates Old Rams Ushers

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 13:00:31 +0000

The Rams lost Sunday to the Vikings, but the game wasn’t without it’s moments…like when Danny Amendola spiked a football in to the face of some poor old usher standing behind the endzone.

Deadspin has one of the many gifs of this epic event:

Danny, here’s what you did wrong:

Chill bro. Great job on the touchdown, but you were way too fired up for a guy on a team that was getting stomped.

SLU Basketball Coach Rick Majerus Died

Mon, 03 Dec 2012 13:00:05 +0000

The former — he just officially left the post a few weeks ago before the current season began to deal with his health issues — St. Louis University basketball, Rick Majerus died. He only 64, but with a body like that “only 64” turns in to “somehow made it to 64” pretty quick.

Majerus amassed a career record of 517-215, taking Ball State, Utah and Saint Louis to the NCAA tournament a total of 11 times and leading the 1998 Utes on an improbable run to the national title game. Along the way, he built a reputation as an Xs-and-Os mastermind, more comfortable turning a group of lightly recruited players into a formidable team than coaching at a “Cindy Crawford program” as he often referred to the North Carolinas and Dukes of the world.

The Cardinals’ David Freese Crashed in SUV

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 13:00:20 +0000

David Freese can drive a baseball, but driving cars can still be a challenge. The Cardinals third basemen crashed his car Thursday while trying to avoid a deer. It’s his third accident over the last few years, but this crash didn’t involved alcohol and luckily Freese was unharmed.

Freese, 29, was heading south on Wildhorse Creek Road near Rieger Road in Wildwood when he crashed his 2011 black Range Rover into a tree to avoid a deer, said St. Louis County Police Officer Randy Vaughn. The crash occurred at 2:30 p.m.

Mayor Slay Proves He’s Horrible at Sports Betting

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 18:43:32 +0000

We kinda accidentally, sorta took a day off last night when we didn’t write anything. That’s OK though, because our friends at Joe Sports Fan picked us up and took care of the important stuff: Making fun of Mayor Slay.

Apparently Mayor Slay, in addition to the rest of the things he’s horrible at like “being a mayor”, is also horrible at making and going through with small pointless bets. Joe Sports Fan has the whole rundown, but in short: He won’t go to any trouble other than taking a picture of his TV when he loses, and won’t spring for better shipping when he actually wins the bet.

The Cardinals Choked

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 03:45:02 +0000

Not much to say about a three games as shitty as that, which is good, because we sure the hell don’t feel like writing much about it.

There’s no question the Cardinals choked this one away with their horrible…well, everything. The question is: Where does this sit in the pantheon of all time Cardinal chokes? We asked. You answered.

The consensus? This was horrible.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to go shave this playoff beard.

St. Louis: Where Bank Robbers Yell “Go Cards!”

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 12:00:49 +0000

Arnold police are still looking for the bank robber who exclaimed “Go Cards!” on his way out the door with the cash. Welcome to St. Louis. This is what we do: break laws and watch baseball.

Police say the man entered the First Bank at 3850 Jeffco Boulevard, approached the teller and presented a note demanding money around 1:15 p.m. Friday.

After taking an undisclosed amount of money, the man reportedly yelled, “Go Cards!” and left the bank.

Ozzie Smith is Selling His Gold Gloves

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 12:00:08 +0000

As reported yesterday by ESPN, the Hall of Fame former Cardinal shortstop Ozzie Smith will be selling a large chunk of his MLB hardware via the SCP Actions company. The list of items includes: All 13 of his Gold Gloves, 11 All-Star Game rings, and most notably, his Cardinal National League championship rings from 1985 and 2004, and the Cardinal World Series rings he was given by the team after the 2006 and 2011 championships.

Washington Wizards Bradley Beal Gets Twitter Threats For Being Pro-Cardinals

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 12:00:28 +0000

The young guard for the Washingon Wizards, Bradley Beal, wasn’t even watching the Cardinals game Friday night when they were coming back on a stunned Nationals teams and their fans, but when we saw the Cardinals won he reached for Twitter. He is from St. Louis after all.

STL turnupppp !!!

…I guess that’s means something to the effect of “I’m happy the Cardinals won.” because that’s how most of Washington-area fans took it, and it did not go over particularly well.

The Morning After the Cardinals Crushed the Nationals in Game 5

Sat, 13 Oct 2012 16:24:13 +0000

Since there’s no way we were sleeping last night, we scoured the web for stuff to read about the latest Cardinals dramatic comeback. Nothing was better than the Twitter stream of one Washington Nationals writer (@washingnats) who went (bottom to top) from crazy confident to “Thats messed up.” in the span of a few tweets.

Here’s our mediocre attempt at Photoshoping his Twitter stream in a fun Facebook-sharable image:

The Cardinals Just Accomplished the Largest Comeback in a Postseason Elimination Game Ever

Sat, 13 Oct 2012 05:23:40 +0000

Holy crap. What?! Um…how do we describe what just happend? Ok, here’s our best shot…

DJDHADKFDS!!!!KDSFASDFDS!!!??SDKFASDF;ADSMCMAEJEHEIE.S,AALALDLDLD!!!!!!!!!

Not bad.

Here’s a better description from ESPN:

Erasing an early six-run hole in Game 5 slowly but surely, the defending World Series champion Cardinals got a tying two-out, two-run single from Daniel Descalso and a go-ahead two-run single from Pete Kozma in the ninth inning and came all the way back to beat the Washington Nationals 9-7 on Friday night and win their NL Division Series.

Tailgate32 Visits St. Louis

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 16:20:24 +0000

In their journey to visit each of the 32 NFL teams this season, the guys at Tailgate32 stopped by St. Louis to get a tour of our town, meet Fox2’s John Pertzborn*, visit The Hill, and eat a Crown Candy BLT.

Point your lookin’ balls at it here:

File photo of Pertzborn:

via Tailgate32 and ESPN

5 Reasons Why the Nationals’ Bryce Harper is a Douche

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 12:00:18 +0000

The Cardinals have the chance to kick the upstart Nationals out of the playoff today (It’s at 3pm. You don’t have a job by chance do you? Eh. That sucks.) and that’s awesome because…um, that’s the team we root for, but also because phenom Bryce Harper could stand to get a little more of the douche kicked out of him.

There are some things we like about Bryce Harper, but that’s a boring list, so here’s the top 5 reasons why Bryce Harper is a douche…and ok, here’s one thing: We dig the smeared eye black.

Kansas City Chiefs Fans Are Horrible People (Updated)

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 16:00:50 +0000

Unlike our now beloved 3 – 2 Rams, Kansas City is having a hard time with their football team, the Chiefs. They aren’t good, and the fans think it would be better if the team ditched their current starting quarterback, Matt Cassel, in favor of the backup, Brady Quinn, so when the Chiefs game started Sunday and everyone saw Cassel out there against the heavy favorited Ravens, they weren’t pleased. Outside of a win (not gonna happen) we wonder what could cheer a stadium full of hate-filled Chiefs fans up?

Congrats Cardinals For Being “Wildcard” Champs (or whatever)

Sat, 06 Oct 2012 03:40:52 +0000

First off, well done Cardinals on making it past the Wild Card game and in to the NLDS! This new Wild Card game sure is fun! We hear it’s super popular in Atlanta right now. (Kidding. Even with the Cardinals winning, this game is stupid.)

For some reason we think it’s important to leave this link here to the definition of the infield fly rule. It’s really not that hard to understand.

Cardinals Prospect Shelby Miller is Drunk, Stupid or Both

Mon, 24 Sep 2012 12:00:14 +0000

What is going on here with Cardinals starting pitching prospect Shelby Miller’s Saturday evening tweet? Is it a riddle? Is he really asking whatever he’s trying to ask? Is he trying to say ‘iPhone’? Is little Timmy in trouble by the old mill?!

via @ShelbyMiller19

St. Louis Hates Jason Motte via Twitter…and Then Likes Him via Twitter

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 12:00:47 +0000

The Cardinals had quite a roller-coaster of a weekend, but that’s even more true for Cardinal closer Jason Motte who blew the save Saturday night, but then closed out the win on Sunday evening. You didn’t even have to watch the games to know that, you could have just watched Twitter!

Here’s the crazies going off on Motte on Saturday night:

Cardinals Fan Does Something Dirty Next to Jim Hayes on Fox Sports Midwest

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 12:00:09 +0000

Much of the St. Louis area had their TVs tuned to the Mizzou game Saturday night, and if that describes your TV, you missed this on the Fox Sports Midwest broadcast of the Cardinals game:

No, Jim Hayes’ rug isn’t all that interesting, but the guy just to the left of his rug, making the universal “rug munching” sign is pretty funny.

…and the “Missouri Lottery Cardinals Live” is up next! Be sure to call in your suggestion to trade Skip Schumaker to the Yankees for everyone they have that’s good, because it totally sounds plausible.

Cool Story Bro: Miss Missouri Thinks the Rams Won’t Suck

Fri, 31 Aug 2012 15:39:39 +0000

The Rams are probably going to suck, but who cares about analysis?! What does Katie Kearney, the current Miss Missouri, think?

We bet she’s gonna be brutal on them dude! She’s totally going to destroy their week linebacker core and pick apart the shaky Quarterback play! Oh man, she’s going to be all over them and definitely won’t just be some stereotypical overly optimistic beauty queen to the point where you’ll wonder: “Why the hell did anyone bother to ask her, let alone print it in a newspaper?”

Skip Schumaker Loses Butt Virginity On National TV

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 12:00:16 +0000

The Cardinals are winning and avoiding their all too frequent ass kicking defeats, but somehow Skip Schumaker is still going to wake up today with a sore ass.

Deadspin: “Skip Schumaker Got Fisted By A Teammate After The Cardinals’ Walk-Off Win”

Here’s Cardinal Prospect Kolten Wong With His Shirt Off Talking About His Tattoos

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 12:00:45 +0000

The Cardinals are looking for anyone that can make them suck less on a regular basis, but it’s said they are not looking for help at second base. The reason? Kolten Wong (he’s the shirtless guy above).

Here’s the Cardinals prospect doing a video for someone about living in Springfield, MO (where the Cardinals AA team is located), his family back home in Hawaii, and something about his tattoos which was clearly a question designed to get him to take off his shirt. Same thing happens to us from time to time. We’ll just be walking by a elementary school when the lady teachers start yelling “Hey! Take that shirt off right now!”, and we’ll be like “Ok ladies…no problem. We’re walkin’ slow so you have plenty of time to take a peek.” We knew making this tshirt with an iron-on photo of us washing our balls while staring right in to your soul would be cause a stir, we just didn’t realize how much the ladies would dig it!

Lance Berkman Eyes Return to Cardinals and the Creepiest Baseball Pose Ever

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 16:00:44 +0000

Everyone’s favorite Cardinal not named David Freese, Lance Berkman, is about to return to the club after a long stint on the disabled list, and he’s really looking forward to it. Like super excited. Really really really excited. Creepy excited:

…maybe a little too excited.

Take it down a notch Lance.

via STLToday

SNY Broadcasted Mets No Hitter Reaction From Both R.A. Dicky and an Actual Dick

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 22:42:48 +0000

So the Cardinals got no-hit last night by the Mets…which sucks…and it’s even bigger news than a “regular” no-hitter since it’s the first one ever for the Mets, so it’s all over the news…which sucks more.

Sliver lining: While interviewing today’s Mets’ piture about the no-hitter, Mets channel SNY accidentally broadcast a full set of dick and balls.

Here’s the screenshot as uploaded to Reddit by “pminkin” earlier today (which we’ve edited by drawing a cartoon dick over the actual dick…not R.A. Dickey, he’s suitable for broadcast, just the penis.):

Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow Worship the Nike Devil According to Crazy Guy on Internet

Thu, 31 May 2012 12:00:24 +0000

All those people out there that think Jets backup QB Tim Tebow and Rams starting QB Sam Bradford are nice, super Christian-types are dead wrong. Turns out both of these guys not-so-secretly worship the pagan god Nike and they must be stopped! …or at least that’s what the crazy guy on the internet told us.

[Editor’s Note: Everything below is for realz what one guy thinks. So consider this as confirmation of each and every one of the following crazy statements below. Hopefully it will keep us from instinctually putting “Seriously.” after every statement.]

The World’s Stupidest Tattoo Features 2011 World Series

Tue, 29 May 2012 17:00:30 +0000

It was a hot Memorial Day weekend in St. Louis, so you no doubt bore witness to a large number of dudes peeling their shirt off by the lake or BBQing or other mundane situations that make guys think they should take their shirt off. While all those shirts where being pulled off they no doubt uncovered lots of horrible things like fat, hair, oddly large nipples and more often than not, horrible tattoos.

Fox Sports Midwest Thinks All Middle Infielder Bench Players Are the Same

Tue, 29 May 2012 14:00:48 +0000

Good catch by the tip line from yesterday’s Cardinal game. Poor Daniel Descalso, he’s only going to hit a few home runs each year, so the least Fox Sports Midwest could do is get the man’s name right as he rounds the bases.

Of course it could be worse. They could have called him “Bench Player Guy”, like poor “Minor League Guy” from spring training.

KSDK Found Shorts For the Cardinal Game Streaker (Updated)

Fri, 25 May 2012 15:14:10 +0000

Update: The is word that it wasn’t Photoshopped, but he was brought the shorts from the stands. The videos don’t show that however. Apologies to KSDK.

Original post follows because we just can’t let that Pirate Pants thing we made go to waste.

Everyone is all over the Cardinals streaker story this morning because some guy running around with his junk out is widely entertaining during a Cardinals game and a captive audience, but not funny at all when we do it at the mall or at a Pee Wee Football game.

Conan Makes a Pujols Joke

Fri, 18 May 2012 16:00:01 +0000

Ok, we mentioned him one more time after all. We just couldn’t leave a Conan joke unmentioned!

via the Tip Line

St. Louis Gets Lingerie Football Team

Fri, 18 May 2012 12:00:03 +0000

We’ve always wished for the day when it would be announced that St. Louis would be the home of years of girls playing football in tight little outfits…but sadly the Rams still haven’t worked out their deal with the city, so Lingerie Football will have to do. [Editor’s Note: Tip you’re waitress folks!]

The St. Louis squad will compete in the Eastern Conference against the Baltimore Charm, the Cleveland Crush, the Philadelphia Passion, the Tampa Breeze and another expansion team in Omaha.

STLToday Facebook Poll Reveals the NFL Draft Makes Your Dick Hurt

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 12:00:17 +0000

A source sent this screenshot of a STLToday Facebook poll on Friday over the tip line (/tips or tips@punchingkitty.com):

According to the source, it didn’t stay up for long, but still interesting to know that while the majority of the St. Louis sports faithful agree with the Rams’ draft strategy, others wanted a better wide receiver, or it just all simply made their dick hurt.

Factor in failures like this and their constant use of pop up ads, and maybe it makes more sense to just have the Post Dispatch stick to writing stuff on dead trees.

The Rams New Draft Choice Michael Brockers is Already a Big Shot

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 15:00:44 +0000

The Rams hadn’t even drafted LSU’s Michael Brockers before the guy already started on his big shot pro athlete schtick. How do we know? Twitter of course! If Jose Canseco has taught us anything, it’s that you are exactly what your Twitter feed says you are.

Brockers took to his Twitter account hours before the draft with news that he…

Already has that football player style down:

He uses little pictures to tell you that he’s rich now:

The 10 Best Horrible Things Retweeted by @BestFansStLouis

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 12:00:58 +0000

Joke Twitter accounts are the new awesome hilarious thing, and like @HologramTupac they spring up as fast as they cease to be funny. However a few manage to serve a purpose and our current local favorite is @BestFansStLouis who spends all their time retweeting the horrible things tweeted by Cardinal fans, also know throughout the land as “baseball’s best fans”.

There’s not much else to say other that prepare yourself for the worst when following **@BestFansStLouis **because holy sweet baby Jesus dog farts some of this stuff is crazy. Here are 10 examples:

Sam Bradford is Dating Karlie Kloss

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 15:00:56 +0000

Rams quarterback Sam Bradford was spotted at Coachella with St. Louis-based 19 year old “super model” Karlie Kloss over the weekend and the internet is a buzz with Bradford’s ugly hipster sweater and how they’re just giving away the title of “super model” these days.

Ok, she’s cute. And she’s from St. Louis so bonus points, but when she smiles and looks down towards the camera…by the power of Greyskull, all we see is Skeletor:

The Tampa Bay Rays’ Luke Scott Sounds Like a Smart Guy

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 16:00:30 +0000

Has the balls to call out Boston Red Sox baseball and their self-righteous fans?

For Scott, who was a member of the Orioles when Baltimore beat Boston on the last day of last season to help prevent the Red Sox from making the playoffs, it’s the second time in as many months he’s taken a shot at the Sox. During spring training, he said keeping Boston out of the playoffs was even more pleasing because of his disdain for its fans.

Texas Tech Chess Team Transfered to Webster…All of Them!

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 12:00:55 +0000

You might have not realized it, but St. Louis is one of the world’s chess epicenters. No, we have no idea why since we watch baseball, but we’d guess it has something to do with all the time we spend inside here for reasons like: “It’s too cold!”, “It’s too hot!” or “Someone’s shooting at me!” No matter the reason, St. Louis is a great place to play chess and because of that, the entire roster of the reigning collegiate chess championship team are all transferring from Texas Tech to Webster University.

Check Out Rafael Frucal’s LA Living Room

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 12:00:06 +0000

Now that shortstop Rafael Furcal has settled in with the Cardinals and his 2 year deal, he’s moving on from his previous digs in LA by putting his house on the market for 3.8 Million.

Shown above, “Casa de Furcal” is described as a “Grand Mediterranean Villa” with a “Dramatic gated two story entry with graceful curved grand staircase and travertine floors.” which sounds really nice, and possibly even nicer if we ever have someone explain to us what most of that meant.

John Mozeliak’s Cardinals Takeover Reenacted With Legos

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 19:59:19 +0000

SB Nation St. Louis hit one out of the park today with their post: “Legopiece Theater: Dugout Abbey: John Mozeliak’s Reign of Terror“

Well done @boxcar_fritz, and Mozeliak looks great in a top hat.

Hey Kids, Who Wants To Bounce Around in the Big Cardinal’s Crotch?!

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 16:00:18 +0000

Promotional money well spent Memphis Redbirds (the Cardinals minor league affiliate). A giant crotch displaying Cardinal is sure to rile the kids up on game day.

“So just point out where on the Cardinal did they make you go inside of it.”

We couldn’t figure it out until now, but becoming a depressed weirdo after being screwed up by a giant inflatable Cardinal as a child might be how all those non-Chicago native Cubs fans are made.

Saint Louis University is Out of March Madness, but it’s Not Because Their Band Didn’t Have Spirit

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 12:00:40 +0000

We’ve got spirit yes we do! We’ve got spirit, how about…this SLU band girl ESPN photographed last week?!

We were going to say “Judging by those glasses and the face paint, that flute is the only thing she’ll be blowing until 15 years from now when some EMT that digs her out from under her pile of cats a gives her a little pity throw.” …but then we noticed the fully face-painted sax guy in the background. OMG you just know they’re totally doing it!

Enough With the “Rally Squirrel” Crap

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 18:45:35 +0000

Enough with the damn Rally Squirrel! Can’t we just let a funny moment from last year’s championship run be a funny moment from last year’s championship run? Please don’t drag it out and ruin the moment! Why do we have to take a little “Tina Fey“-type situation, one that’s cute and funny but something that you’re like “The one time watching ‘Baby Mamma’ is plenty.”, and then dry hump it until it’s used up and ugly, stumbling around like Lindsay Lohan making it an option to only the really ugly or desperate people?

Ozzie Smith Loves the Cardinals Again

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 13:00:08 +0000

Tony LaRussa‘s gone, but that means everyone’s favorite formally afro’ed shortstop can come back in to the fold! This week Ozzie Smith will be back in a Cardinals uniform for the first time since he retired 16 years ago, shortly after Tony picked Royce Clayton over Ozzie for the starting shortstop job. Ozzie really hates coming in second to Royce Clayton. In fact, the word is Ozzie now refuses to talk to Brad Pitt after Clayton got the fake starting shortstop job in the movie “Moneyball”.

Fun Things You Can Do With the Weird Ray Vinson Super Bowl Commercial

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 13:00:36 +0000

[Editor’s Note: For context, this was part of our impromptu “Animated GIF Week“]

Did you happen to catch the weird Ray Vison commercial aired during the Super Bowl last night? Even from the squeaky voiced man that has made former Cardinal skipper Tony LaRussa do some odd things for cash, this was quite a doozy (See the whole video here)!

At the very least, it managed to confuse St. Louis Super Bowl watchers, while others considered it an “insult”

Pujols 5 Restaurant Needed a New Name, but Didn’t Want to Move All the Sports Stuff Out

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 13:00:58 +0000

So now that the dust has settled from that one guy leaving town to play for a different team ~~over a bunch of money~~ because a magic man in the sky told him to go, there are a few loose ends to take care of. Namely what to do about the restaurant that bears his name and has a giant statue of him out front wearing an outdated uniform.

Beginning Thursday, February 2, [Pujols 5 restaurant] becomes the “St. Louis Sports Hall of Fame Bar and Grill.”

Joe Sports Fan Kickstarts Pledge Drive For Their New Project

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:00:32 +0000

Our friends at Joe Sports Fan have launched a very interesting idea: asking the St. Louis fans to help fund their new all local relaunch and podcast with a Kickstarter campaign. The goal is $5,000, and while they’re off to a good start, we’d hate to see this brillant idea stall after the glow of the Deb Peterson ~~press release~~ article fades.

If you’ve never heard of Joe Sports Fan, here’s all you need to know: Occasionally we can’t help ourselves, but we try very hard to not cover sports stories because the guys over there have St. Louis sports covered. Hopefully that resonates as well as we think it should. That was a difficult statement to make because, you know, we’re awesome and we know we’re awesome, but in the case of local sports news we defer to the JSF guys and take the rest of the news (read: crime) for ourselves. They deserve your support, so go throw $30 bucks their way and enjoy what happens next.

One Last Thing On Pujols

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 13:00:03 +0000

We wanted to leave the Pujols news where it was last week and start this week Pujols-free, but this sad attempt to make sure everyone still loves him and his family in St. Louis is beyond pathetic and gave us little choice to really weigh in rather than just post photoshops and videos.

“I made a decision. I’m being obedient. I didn’t want to go to a place God didn’t want me to go to.” — Albert Pujols on signing with the Angels rather than the Cardinals.

Albert Pujols Gets the Taiwanese Animation Treatment

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:52:31 +0000

No, this isn’t another KSDK commercial, this is the infamous Taiwanese news animation and they have turned their focus to our very own…er, Southern California’s Albert Pujols!

Check out the video above (with subtitles) to watch Pujols drop his bat during a Cardinal game to chase a bag of money then literally gun down Rangers pitching and follow all that up with a montage of him aging through his contract until he can barely hold his bat! Actually, that is as good of a description of the story as we’ve heard so far. Nicely done Taiwanese news for getting a better handle on the situation than the Post Dispatch’s Bryan Burwell despite being 6,000 miles away!

St. Louis Experiences the First Phase of Pujols Grief

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:00:16 +0000

As you may have heard yesterday, Albert Pujols, king of St. Louis, chose to leave and play in Los Angeles for $40-ish million extra dollars and a guaranteed 10 year contract. After the news broke, all of us chose to handle the sudden realization that come spring someone else will be playing 1st base and running through Oquendo stop signs at third in different ways.

Some took to Facebook, expressing their anger on the Official Albert Pujols fan page:

STLToday.com’s Headline [FIXED]

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:55:57 +0000

Pujols Likes $30 Million Dollars More Than You

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 15:31:57 +0000

[Editor’s Note: Ok, so we were pretty sure Pujols was going to the Marlins a few days ago when we made this, and then when we went to edit it we realized that the Angels really don’t have a mascot per se…so now you’ve got this. The point is still the same right? Makes sense still…they have fish in California…and they get to be Angels too one would assume. Whatever. Shut up!]

KSDK Sports 2012 Looks Like the Worst Game Ever

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:00:46 +0000

Five random thoughts after watching one of the weirdest local news commercial St. Louis has seen (and it’s seen some insanely weird ones):

1. Are my only choices for my lineup Katie Felts, Rene Knott, and Frank Cusumano? We’d love a “Create-an-Anchor-That-Can-Pronounce-Names-Correctly” Feature! Eh who are we kidding, we’d take all the fun out of the game by maxing all the attributes to 100, making a over-sized linebacker of a sports reporter who will just run over people…just like KMOV did.

St. Louis’ Sports Jesus Says Denver’s Sports Jesus Should Stop Talking About Regular Jesus So Much

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 13:00:53 +0000

That headline is legit! We swear to G…eh. Better not do that in this post. Seriously though, Kurt Warner took some time the other day to tell Tim Tebow, he who’s name in verb form means a quick post-game prayer in the middle of the freaking field or any other random place (Tebowing.com), to give it a rest with the God talk.

“You can’t help but cheer for a guy like that,” Warner said of Tebow. “But I’d tell him, ‘Put down the boldness in regards to the words, and keep living the way you’re living. Let your teammates do the talking for you. Let them cheer on your testimony.”

Pujols’ Agent is a Horrible Person but Loves Hookers

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 13:00:35 +0000

Albert Pujols, the famed Cardinal first baseman, is about to cash in on a monster contract and as you’d imagine that’s just fine with his agent Dan Lozano who could really use that 5% cut to pay off his debts and buy a bunch of hookers to bang. This and oh so much more, is according to Deadspin who received a package in the mail full of nasty, verifiable things that Dan Lozano, the “King of Sleaze Mountain” has done.

Happy JC Corcoran Says Pujols Will Re-Sign Today Day!

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 13:00:50 +0000

Update: So it’s now officially Saturday and Pujols is still a free agent. Not because Corcoran was wrong of course, it was probably because this thing, this other thing and what’s his face did that stuff they were thinking about doing and that pushed the whatever back a few whatevers until it’s all ready. Then he’ll be right. You’ll see.

Original post below…

It’s Friday, and that’s a big deal for another reason other than the fact you get to wear a knit shirt and chinos to work and spring for the beer at TGIFridays during lunch. It’s also the day the 550AM mid-day talker JC Corcoran says Albert Pujols will announce that he’s resigning with the Cardinals! It must be true too, because it was on the radio, and the radio has never lied to anyone ever.

Cardinals Hire Mike Matheny As Manager, Rams Something Something

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 13:00:34 +0000

The St. Louis Rams won Sunday! Yea! This is somewhat important news unless something else happens!

It was strange and ugly, befitting the status of two teams with a combined record for 4-12 entering the game. But the Rams were beneficiaries of rare good fortune, with a potential game-winning field goal by Cleveland going awry on a fouled up…

Woah! Shut up Jim Thomas! No one cares about the Rams accidentally winning a game because the Cardinals just did something: Gutsy ex-catcher Mike Matheny is the new manager!

Rangers Manager Ron Washington Sounds Just How You’d Think He’d Sound in his Game 7 Pep Talk

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 13:00:27 +0000

Our friends at Joe Sports Fan won the internet yesterday after posting a tape of the Game 7 pre-game pep talk Ron Washington gave to his team. While the Rangers talk about hunting down the “leak” and feeding him to Nolan Ryan’s dogs and then back-peddle and say it’s been taken care of, lets list our top 5 favorite parts:

#5: “[Game 6] was one of the most tremendous baseball games I’ve ever had the pleasure to be a part of.”

Head to Amazon For Your Texas Rangers 2011 Champions Book!

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 13:00:20 +0000

For the low low price of $29.95 you can “pre-order” your copy of “Texas Triumph”, the inspiring full-color photo book that details the incridible 2011 season of the Texas Rangers from spring training up to their incredible World Series win in game six..err…game seven…oh wait. Embarrassing!

Publication Date: November 9, 2011

Get the book that captures the Rangers World Series championship season, brought to you by SportsDay from The Dallas Morning News. This incredible 11 x 8.5 hard-bound book takes you from the first pitch on Opening Day to the final out of the 2011 World Series in 144 dramatic pages.

Tweet Commentary From the Cardinals World Champions Parade and Celebration

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 19:00:05 +0000

As with the majority of the Cardinals’ playoff games, our fearless editor took to Twitter to comment on the Cardinals World Series Champion parade and Busch Stadium event. If you already follow @mikeflynn_ then you have no doubt already seen this, but others that missed it because they are too “emo” for Twitter have asked for a way to check it out so here, for posterity sake, is the annotated timeline with a few retweets mixed in from others.

And the Best Post-World Series Photo is…

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 12:00:08 +0000

…this photo of Tony La Russa trying to put on a Sam Bradford jersey before the Rams took on the Saints!

We’re not sure if TLR was going for a a Edmonds-style half-shirt thing here, or after being in baseball for so long he’s completely incapable of putting on a jersey that doesn’t button down the front.

Update: Woah! …and Tony just retired. Wow. Apparently that jersey was really a bitch to take off too.

The Cardinals Won the 2011 World Series

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 04:59:46 +0000

From the last day of the regular season, to the bitter end of the World Series we’ve been treated to some crazy games. And now everyone is making downtown crazy in return.

Thanks guys!

Joe and Jack Buck and Their Respective Game Six Calls

Fri, 28 Oct 2011 16:10:17 +0000

Well done with this little video comparing the two World Series Game Six calls from father and son.

A World Series Game Six Time Lapse

Fri, 28 Oct 2011 14:42:32 +0000

Before the game last night we decided to start up a time lapse shot while we watched the game to capture our joy or sadness…little did we know it would end up capturing the viewing of the greatest game ever…ever!

The capture started just before the first pitch until just a few minutes after the game ended, with a picture taken ever 10 seconds. We also have the tweets from our editor, @mikeflynn_, running down the left side (you’ll need to be in HD fullscreen to read them though).

World Series Game 5: WTF Tony?!

Tue, 25 Oct 2011 12:00:04 +0000

The Cardinals lost game 5 (photo from the 8th inning above) in one of the worst performances we’ve seen all year for both the players and manager, which says a lot because this team sucked donkey schlong for a few months there. The team went, and this is just based on our score card so we might be a little off, 1 for 19,832,343 in scoring opportunities, but most baseball folks agree that more than anything, Tony stunk up the joint last night with one of his worst game management of all time. The whole game felt like Tony making one more after the other, digging himself deeper and deeper with bench coach Joe Pettini standing next to him yelling “No! Dig up!” Some of the move were fine, but didn’t work, like two of the four bunts. Others were bad, like the other two bunts and repeatedly giving the Rangers a base to put Pujols instead of forcing him to be pitched too…others were really really bad, like putting on a hit and run with Pujols at bat after the last hit and run with Pujols on bat didn’t work at all and made part of us die inside.

Hey, How Did the Rams and the Cardinals Do in Dallas Yesterday?

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 12:00:57 +0000

Not well. Not. Well.

The Cardinals were taken to school by a guy who’s playoff beard looks a hell of a lot like the lip fur our old 3rd grade bus driver, Bertha rocked, and the Rams just continued to suck at their usual level.

At least the Rams are consistent, and have been all year right? That’s something. That’s important enough for a reward!

Awww…that’s nice. Former Pittsburg head coach, and Super Bowl winner, Bill Cowher, thoughts?

Checking on the World Series Coverage

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 19:19:48 +0000

Hi! I know we said we were off this week, but we snuck back in to do a quick rundown of some other people talking about the World Series.

ESPN’s World Series Predictions

Rangers, Rangers, Rangers! Again ESPN doubts the power that is the Cardinals will to survive. It happened in the NLDS, NLCS and now the World Series.

SI.com: Rangers-Cardinals World Series has the look of seventh heaven

Holy Freaking Balls: The Cardinals Are in the World Series!

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 17:05:06 +0000

We’re doing some traveling, and as such, this was meant to be a week off for us, but how do we not say something now?! Here are some quick hits:

– Ha, ha! You suck Brewers! Talk some shit now!

– Holy crap!!!!!!!!!!

– !!!!!!!

– Love that we won the series in game 6 (even though we missed it while on a plane) since it really sets up the rotation for the Series.

NLCS: Game 5

Sat, 15 Oct 2011 00:24:32 +0000

We didn’t do one of these yesterday, and we lost. Our bad. We’re back at it tonight though. Doin’ it for Torty (the original Cardinal post-season animal).

1st inning: Quick inning for both sides. Ryan Braun got a hit again, but that’s not news.

Top 2nd: Garcia looks good so far, but it’s all about when he gives up a hit or two. Here’s something else: TBS sucks.

7:26p: John Smoltz won’t ever stop talking.

7:28p: How hard is it to keep the game feed working UVerse? It feels like there hasn’t been a post season game that our UVerse HD feed hasn’t crapped out at some point. Oh and the jumpy Carlos Gomez got thrown out on the bases.

Mid 2nd: Ok, we’re just going to say it, the commercial with the little girl is surprising. We had no idea any black people liked country music…other than Hootie (- the Blowfish).

NLCS: Game 3

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 00:23:43 +0000

Go Cardinals! The spirit of 1982 is in you! …whatever the hell that stupid falsetto crap means. Nothing like a gayer version of Richard Simmons to sing and sweat you in to playoff success.

Trying something new tonight: The Facebook live stream. We have no idea if this is better, but WordPress sucks donkey balls for updating the site like we have in the past few live-blogging of games so we’re trying this out. Hopefully this is easy, won’t screw up your FB profile and will leave the comments around so people can read them later. Hell, if we’re throwing out wishes, I’d like you’re mom to stop sweating me, blowing up our phone all the time. Tell her we’re done. It was a 6-time thing. By the way, I’d stop hugging that teddy bear in your old room. It was heavily involved for times 1,3,5 and 6.

KSDK: Local Costume Shop Runs Out of Rally Squirrel Costumes They Never Had

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 12:00:17 +0000

St. Louis, we love you, but damn there sure is a large portion of us that knows how to hop on some little thing, and while interesting or humorous initially, beat on it and make it to something so dumb you want to smash your head against the ground to make enough goo leak out your ear so that you now think the overplayed stupid thing is awesome and interesting once again…and you’ll find cut off camo shorts totally awesome and wearable for several occasions.

Summing Up the Weekend

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 16:00:08 +0000

Cardinals, Cardinals, Cardinals! From Squirrels to dancing on a broken Ryan Howard, to a defeat by the Brewers, this weekend was all Cardinals, all the time. Even we succumbed to the fever by live-blogging the NLDS Game 5 and NLCS Game 1. We didn’t go all in and paint our face like a giant red Cardinals baseball, like this guy, but we just decided to wear our red Cardinals hat instead of our stupid green one. Just seemed easier.

Cardinals: NLCS Game 1

Sun, 09 Oct 2011 20:09:54 +0000

Same deal as NLDS Game 5. Click through the jump to see our in-game updates and the Twitter Feed of Baseball Comment Greatness.

Cardinals: NLDS Game 5

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 00:23:16 +0000

Big game tonight! Here’s a live stream of tweets from some notably funny or knowledgable Cardinal-watching people:

@MattSebek – Joe Sports Fan writer and maker of Cardinal memes.

@athooks – Cards Diaspora.com writer

@tortycraig – Allen Craig’s turtle.

@matthewhleach – Cardinals beat writer for MLB.com

@dgoold – Post Dispatch sports writer. Not the bitchy one that just complains and says “I told you so!” all the time…the other one.

@mikeflynn_ – Punching Kitty.com editor and Cardinal fan that tries really really hard to keep the sports content to a minimum on the site.

@miklasz – Post Dispatch sports columnist. All around nice guy.

Click through the jump to see the full post with Twitter stream and extra in-game updates!

The Rams Still Aren’t Very Good At Scoring More Points Than Their Opposing Team in the Time Allotted

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 12:00:02 +0000

What have we done to deserve all these trickster St. Louis teams?

“Oh I, we’re the Cardinals. We’re going to be pretty good there year! …oh wait, no we won’t. Ooop! Lets make the playoffs suddenly…no we won’t, wait…yes we will…just…barely. Hello Phillies! *shot in the face* Just a flesh wound!”

“Hey everyone, we’re the Rams! We did a lot of good stuff last year and spent some money in free agency so everyone says we’re definitely going to be even better and will totally make the playoffs. Oh crap. Turns out we suck more balls than the Oreck Deluxe Handheld Vac. What? You didn’t catch that somewhat obscure infomercial reference? We know how you feel. We don’t catch anything. Ever.”

Dan McLaughlin Busted For Drunk Driving Again

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 01:05:20 +0000

Everyone’s “favorite” Cardinals broadcaster, Dan McLauglin, was busted for drinking and driving again Sunday night. This time after crashing his car in a single car accident in Chesterfield.

Cardinals broadcaster Dan McLaughlin has been cited for drunken driving for a second time after a stop by Chesterfield police on Sunday.

Police said McLaughlin, 37, was stopped at 10:13 p.m. on Baxter Road and Isleview Drive after he crashed his vehicle. No other vehicle was involved, police say, but they declined to elaborate.

Holy Balls! The Cardinals are in the Playoffs!

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 15:29:44 +0000

Some how, some way, the Cardinals managed to come back from a 8.5 game lead on September 1st to make it to the playoffs while also letting us enjoy watching the Braves choke away the second largest lead ever in this history of baseball! (Also we hear the Red Sox and Rays had a similar situation. Turn on ESPN to hear all about that.)

So what does the little dirty joke blog do with a news story like this? We don’t have awesome footage from the visitors clubhouse in Houston. We don’t have a lot of player interviews. We can’t get Chipper Jones’ number to prank call him over and over again (we tried). What we can do though is fire up our fancy “Read Your Thoughts-a-mo-tron 273272b393” and point it right at the Cardinals to see what we get (Note: the Read Your Thoughts-a-mo-tron 273272b393 will possibly cause cancer in some people, ass cancer, but it won’t form until you’re at least 40 and what the hell do 1,237 rats anuses know anyway?!)

Quick, Everyone Get Back on the Cardinals Bandwagon

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 19:00:03 +0000

Two weeks ago the Cardinals bandwagon was a pretty empty place. Tony LaRussa was on there, and the whole Fox Sports Midwest staff are contractually obligated to stay on there and make cheery promos to be run immediately after any blow-out loss by the Cardinals, but other than that there wasn’t much going on. Pujols even asked if he could use the extra bandwagon space in the off-season because he might have some moving that needs to be done.

We Fill Out The Last 5 “Ram Rules”

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 20:00:46 +0000

Did you know there is such a thing as “Ram Rules”? Well there is, and if you were hoping a bunch of numb-nuts in over-the-top Rams gear can go through the first 5 with you, then you just passed Ram Rule #0: Be so stupid you need instructions on how to cheer at a sporting event.

…earlier we mentioned those are just the “first” 5, and we say that no because we want to George Lucas all over this shit and make it worse, but because a there are clearly more than just 5 Ram Rules. Maybe they’re implied by the people that created this video, but actually…

Jailed Miami Booster Navin Shapiro Ruins Everything

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 17:28:16 +0000

You might have heard that ESPN interrupted its continual coverage of how the Yankees and Red Sox are doing, to bring you an important message about Navin Shapiro and how his blabbing led to another university being caught being all about the money instead of whatever it is universities used to do before college sports made money. The school in question is the University of Miami, but the local connection is how this story has tainted the “I don’t win games, but I’m honest” image of the new Mizzou basketball coach, Frank Haith.

The Cardinals Couldn’t Even Get a Hit With a 100 Pound Metal Plate

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 15:00:14 +0000

A 100-pound steel plate fell off Busch Stadium Monday afternoon. It fell the height of the park, safely crashing to the ground below, proving that nothing with a Cardinal logo can seem to hit anything these days.

Crews roped off an area outside of Busch Stadium after a section of metal soffit fell to the sidewalk below after ground crews discovered the problem Monday afternoon.

Had the Cardinals been at home and the stadium filled with people, this metal plate would have just turned at least two hoosiers, an old lady, and one minority about to be the first in their family to go to college in to little more than sticky paste on the Busch Stadium sidewalk. The ridiculous amount of work it would take to scrap that paste out of all the little nooks in those engraved sidewalk bricks would only be second to the amount of work the Cardinals would have had to do to keep from being the poster boys of the new national “Oh god! Not even sporting events are safe for our kids!” hysteria.

The Cardinals’ 2011 Season: Mission Accomplished!

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 12:00:56 +0000

Our crack investigative team has uncovered an internal memo that Tony LaRussa sent his “underling” General Manager John Mozeliak apparently, just after the close of the 2010 season.

It’s been a rough go so far, and while no one knows what the rest of the season will hold, it appears that “Mo” has pleased his Hall of Fame manager boss by completing the plan just ahead of schedule! Nicely done John! You might have just earned yourself a back slap the next time you do your usual “feed Tony peeled grapes” post-game ritual.

Are the Cardinals Shipping Rasmus to the White Sox?

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 12:00:55 +0000

Joe Strauss, of the Post Dispatch, stirred up the seemingly always simmering pot of crazy Colby Rasmus chili with a report stating that the Cardinals were in deep talks to trade their former top prospect to the Chicago White Sox for starting pitcher Edwin Jackson or reliever Matt Thornton.

Five reasons why this deal might happen:

Colby’s a head-case. He’s always sad about being picked on because of something, and while he may not deserve all the flack he gets, the center fielder never seems to handle it well.

Pujols Returns!

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 12:00:46 +0000

16 days. That’s how long it takes for a broken wrist to heal. You take any longer than that and you’re just milking it you pussy. That’s not us talking mind you, it’s Albert Pujols and he can do that because he set the bar yesterday miraculously returning to the Cardinals just over two weeks from the day he bashed his wrist against the Royals’ Wilson Betemit.

St. Louis Reddit Puts on a Baseball Play

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 18:24:01 +0000

Social news site Reddit’s St. Louis community put on a little impromptu play using numerous fake accounts the other day in the comments of a post to the site entitled “Reddit help! I am pitching and I can’t make an out!” by “RyanFranklin“, a account faked in homage of the recently released St. Louis Cardinals closer.

There’s really nothing else that we can do other than show you a (probably now slightly outdated) screenshot after the jump (it’s a long image). Read the comments and check the byline for the characters such as “JoseQuendo11”, “tonylarussa”, “Mark_McGwire”, “DelTacoBuilding” and “FrancisSlay”

Enjoy it in all it’s glory!

Nameless Statues Appear in Front of Scottrade Center

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 16:00:59 +0000

It took a few months, but someone finally noticed the two statues of…some…uh…dudes in front of Scottrade Center. Hmm. We feel like we should know who these statues are of, but without proper name plates how the hell are we supposed to know? Hockey player statues need name plates ok?! NFL? Baseball? Totally different stories. St. Louisans can spot even a crappy likeness of Stan Musial a mile away, but hockey players? We love the Blues, but we need name plates. Ok, total shot in the dark here…is one of them Wayne Gretzky? He’s a big St. Louis icon from his epic time rocking a blue note!

Cardinals Dominate Cincinnati’s “Most Disliked Sports Personalities”

Wed, 22 Jun 2011 16:00:38 +0000

Cincinnati.com put a poll up to their readers to find out who the area’s most disliked sports personalities were. The amount of both former and current St. Louis Cardinals is hard to miss. Here’s the list (so you don’t have to click the source link an then click through the stupid slideshow):

Chris Carpenter, current Cardinal pitcher (12)

Pujols Contract Season: Totally Going Just Like They Planned It!

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 12:00:54 +0000

Just six months ago everything was coming up Pujols. He was getting offered the big money for his next contract, and he was turing it down for bigger money. His agent, Dan Lozano, was out there telling his client “Hell yeah you should go in to your walk-year without a contract! Think of the money we could be offered on the open market! We’re talking huge money Al! The only thing that could go bad is that you have a bad season, but lucky for us you’ve never had a bad season! Ha ha ha! [Lights cigar with hundred dollar bill]”

Groupon Slings Cardinals Tickets on the Cheap

Mon, 20 Jun 2011 16:00:13 +0000

Pujols gets one little ~~wrist strain~~ broken forearm, and already Cardinals tickets are in the bargin bin next to DVDs of Best of the Best 3?

Make you start to wonder how much they’re paying people to go to Cubs games these days.

The Top 5 Other Things The Cardinals Were Happy About

Mon, 06 Jun 2011 14:00:24 +0000

Yeah! Pujols looked like Pujols the other night against the Cubs when he dropped two bombs on them, the last of which in the 12th inning to seal the victory. Here’s what it looked like via the St. Louis Post Dispatch:

A great moment to be sure with lots of happy little Cardinal faces…almost too happy. Sure a walk-off victory against the Cubs is great, but if you were really the best fans in baseball you would have kept watching the game and noticed a few other things followed Pujols down the baseline that elicited the same jubilant reaction.

Tony and Albert Looked a Little Freaked Out at Saturday’s Game

Mon, 23 May 2011 16:00:37 +0000

What the hell had Albert Pujols and Tony LaRussa so spooked in these Getty Image photos from Saturday’s game versus the Kansas City Royals?

A: It was just at that moment that someone realized that the freaking Rod Barajas is currently out-hitting Pujols.

B: They were both just told that the new movie “Beaver” isn’t exactly what they thought it was, and was actually about a crazy old racist actor trying to make a comeback with a puppet, instead of what we all really want to see him do to turn his career around, Air America 2.

Monday Morning Venn Diagrams

Mon, 23 May 2011 12:00:37 +0000

Venn Diagrams are awesome. They are like if science forgot to use a coaster and at first you’re like “What the hell man?!” but then what are you going to do about it? Nothing. Does it look cool? Eh. Cool enough.

Sam Mellinger Smells Like Poop and He Probably Rapes Bunnies

Sat, 21 May 2011 13:55:24 +0000

Sam Mellinger, Brandon Phillips called. He wants his bit back.

Friday, just before the beginning of the twice-yearly snooze-fest that is the Cardinals playing the Royals, a series that might as well be the World Series to the craptastic (though, admittedly more talented than usual) Kansas City Royals, the Kansas City Star choose to run a link-bait piece ripping St. Louis by Sam Mellinger. It really wasn’t all that original, and frankly was kinda sad since their St. Louis counterpart ran a piece begging it’s readers to not hate the Royals, but feel sorry for them. Good for the Post Dispatch! Largely ignoring a hollow attempt at comedy and instead ask for pitty for the very nice, but clearly lesser, of the two Missouri cities. Don’t play their game and stay right there on the classy side of the moral ground.

Not News: Stupid Cincinnati Radio Show Has Stupid Contest About LaRussa

Thu, 19 May 2011 12:00:13 +0000

We’re loving all the Cardinals vs Reds stuff over the past year. It has real potential to get good rather than that stupid “We just respect each other too much.” rivalry with the Astros a few years back. The problem is that Tony LaRussa and Walt Jocketty are still buddies and that friendship is really holding this whole thing back.

Take this recent business with the Cincinnati radio station doing a contest bit making fun of LaRussa’s on-going spat with shingles.

Tony Returns to Cardinals Bench

Tue, 17 May 2011 12:44:08 +0000

In a triumphant return, ~~Popeye~~ Tony LaRussa reclaimed the bench and got the Cardinals back to their winning ways after getting swept by the hated Reds.

In fact, much like Popeye, Tony’s brother in squinty-eyed face grimacing, he too suffers from the awesome problem of just being to damn tough!

La Russa, after joking before the game that “I’ve been on vacation,” said, “The biggest mistake I made was in not treating the pain. I went through all that agony for nothing – just to prolong this stuff. I wished I’d taken the pain medicine sooner. I wasted a month.”

Tony’s Eye Might Be Because of Playing Baseball With Raw Chicken

Wed, 11 May 2011 19:00:00 +0000

The secret of Tony’s horrible, gross, game-missing eye lies within season two of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Below is an episode summary with added emphasis:

After Master Shake nearly destroys the house by leaving garbage everywhere (especially in Frylock’s room, whose entrance he has bricked closed), burning styofoam [sic], stockpiling chicken carcasses, and planting land mines in the hallway, Frylock becomes disgusted and moves to a condominium. Frylock throws a housewarming party, but none of the people he invites attend. Out of desperation, he invites the Mooninites, who show up only long enough to trash his place.

Oh Theriot…That Was Not a Good Idea

Wed, 11 May 2011 12:00:30 +0000

Ryan Theriot, the solid bench player that was scrappy enough to convince Tony LaRussa to give him a starting job. The facts are, 1. He’s really a pretty piss poor shortstop. 2. His jersey gets dirty. 3. He’s really really bad at talking to the press.

Post Dispatch’s Bernie Miklasz describes Theriot’s latest flub:

Theriot may be in for some jeering when he returns to St. Louis after joining in on the fun on a Chicago sports-talk show (ESPN 1000).

Stupid Cardinal Player Nicknames: Our Best Chris Berman Imitation

Mon, 09 May 2011 16:00:37 +0000

The Cardinals haven’t had a game broadcast by the fat, large-foreheaded, bad-suited ESPN figure-head Chris Berman in a while, and even though Mike Shannon tries his best to ruin the Cardinal radio broadcasts, (He’s like your crazy uncle everyone thinks is cute when he hugs your girlfriend for too long and moans.) Berman ruins the name of your favorite players like no one in the business. In the meantime, we can only pretend by making up long-form nicknames.

Ryan Franklin Shaves Beard, Only Finds More Horribleness Underneath

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 16:00:51 +0000

Well, you’re chin is the last place we would look for more pitching ability and apparently Ryan Franklin has finally reached that point, shaving of his famous goatee.

So that’s how we’re going to play it this year huh Franklin? Times get tough and you lop off trademark-able facial hair? (ahem) We wouldn’t do it. Maybe we were fans of the Oklahoma Sooners (just an example) and whenever they had a bad game would we’d go out an shave the mane off the mascot? We don’t stand out there on the sidelines telling them to shave something to see if that will help them suck less!

Festus Girl Hit in the Head With a Shot Put

Tue, 19 Apr 2011 16:00:34 +0000

It’s prom time, and high school girls all over the area are kneeling down only to be smacked in the face with some balls, but for one Festus girl, it wasn’t a euphemism this time:

Authorities said the 17-year-old girl threw the shot put and then went to retrieve it. Before she got completely out of the way, the next girl threw her shot.

The shot struck the girl on the side of the head. She was alert and conscious at the scene.

Tony LaRussa and Ray Vinson’s Awkward Handshake Will Forever Haunt Our Dreams

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 12:00:10 +0000

UVerse must have accidentally let a Cardinal game through because last night we sat down and actually got to watch the Cardinals hammer the Diamondbacks. It had been a few days since we last watched a Cardinal game, so as we blissfully drank in the offensive displays that usually bore us and watched Lance Berkman’s grand slam shot float over the wall of Chase Field we had all but forgotten the thing that would later ruin the game for us. The same thing that has ruined every Cardinal game, despite the outcome, so far this year…no, not Ryan Franklin…it’s those horrible Ray Vinson commercials featuring Tony LaRussa!

We Know the Reason For the Crappy Start of Franklin and Pujols

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 12:00:45 +0000

11 games in to the Cardinals 2010 season and for two prominent Cardinal members we have the following lines:

Ryan Franklin: 9.82 ERA, 1 Save, 4 Earned Runs in 3.2 innings

Albert Pujols: .182 Average, 1 HR, 4 RBIs, in 44 at bats

It’s early of course, but these ugly starts have been over-analyzed already by every sports talking head both in and out of town, but they’re all wrong. Who has the real answer? Well we do of course! Albert could probably adjust his stance a little bit and Franklin needs to keep the ball down but also…this:

2011 Season, Game 5: Tony LaRussa Gets Mad at Reporters, Walks Out

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 12:00:27 +0000

When Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa announced that he would return as the St. Louis skipper in 2011, he made the following comment:

You start thinking about goals. I came up with some goals, very specific ones. One of my goals is to have the media feel like I’m more loveable.

Tony was joking. Like really joking it turned out. 5 days in to the 2011 he’s already pulled the “storm out of the press conference bit”. He said it was the reporter’s questions about the donkey-ball sucking offense, but his mood probably soured when he spent the first half of his time trying to get that damn bracelet off! The real question in all of this: Where was Bernie Miklasz on this? Isn’t he defender of all writers, the chosen one that stands up to even the whiniest of “after a loss” Tony LaRussas?

The Blues Are For Sale Again

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 12:00:56 +0000

For those unaware, St. Louis has a hockey team and it’s up for sale again.

Dave Checketts, the owner of the St. Louis Blues since 2005, has put his chunk of the team up for sale after months of trying to find other partners after the bulk of his initial backing left.

So Checketts will step out of the way and put his personal stake on the market with the hope of expediting a sale. Checketts and his investment firm, SCP Worldwide, own approximately 20 percent of the Blues. TowerBrook owns 70 percent. Local beer distributor Tom Stillman and other minority investors account for the other 10 percent.

Did Pujols and the Cardinals Censor Joe Sports Fan?

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 12:00:56 +0000

Yesterday Cardinals closer, and recent discoverer of Twitter, Ryan Franklin tweeted out a photo of some country star or something who visited the team’s spring training site. The tweet, since removed, said “Got a rookie on the team @davidnail” with a link to this photo:

We didn’t even notice the awesomeness that this picture held in it’s background, but the guys at Joe Sports Fan.com did and it may have brought the wrath of the Cardinals and Albert Pujols, big bad #5, down on them. Do you see it? Allow us to help you…

Mitchell Page Died

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 16:00:39 +0000

Former Cardinals hitting coach Mitchell Page died in his sleep at age 59, and no other details are available at this time. Though it is worth pointing out, since no one else seems to, that Page was relieved from his position as hitting coach after the 2004 season because of a drinking problem and was said to ~~have been pushed~~ checked himself in to a rehab facility shortly after. It’s not known of his alcohol problem and his recent death are related, but 59 is pretty young to be going in your sleep without “help” from other issues.

Steven Jackson Dances With Jabb Awoc Keez

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 20:00:21 +0000

St. Louis Rams running back Steven Jackson was pulled on stage last night while seeing Jabb Awoc Keez and tweeted a photo of him breaking it down. Take a good look Rams fans! This may be the most action you see out of any of the Rams as they could go from poppin’ and lockin’ to just locked out in a few days.

Good moves though. We bet that’s exactly what it would look like if a marionette was pooping on stage.

Rams Scout Showed Penis to Cop While at the NFL Combine

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 17:00:10 +0000

Good god Rams. You start prepping for a draft where you aren’t picking in the top 3 for the first time in a few years and you get all crazy and start pissing all over buildings? Keep it together guys.

Luke Driscoll, a Rams NFL scout was arrested under charges of public nudity and intoxication in Indianapolis while in town for the NFL Combine.

Police say he also exposed himself to a female officer. His speech was reportedly “very slurred” at the time. Driscoll is charged with public nudity and intoxication. He is an 11-year member of the rams’ scouting department.

Adam Wainwright’s Elbow Just Ruined the Whole Season

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 13:00:57 +0000

Wednesday morning the world learned of Cardinal ace right-hander, Adam Wainwright‘s “significant” elbow injury. The Cardinals are f*cked.

[Cardinals and general manager John] Mozeliak conceded that “things do not look encouraging” and called Wainwright’s condition “a significant injury.” Manager Tony La Russa called it “a huge hit.”

“It’s really difficult for Adam, really difficult, to go through this,” La Russa said. “He’s really an outstanding person and pro. I think he’s concerned about not putting in his piece, which is what you expect from him.”

There’s Not a Lot to Say About Nick Punto

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 17:00:52 +0000

KSDK felt it necessary to post up a story about the new Cardinals reserve middle infielder Nick Punto having a groin injury, needing surgery and not being able to play until May, but they just didn’t want to elaborate much. Well there it is isn’t it? I just pretty much did the same thing they did…but better! Their story was all of 40 words long and our summary above came in at 22! The only thing they had that we don’t is a poorly cropped Cardinals logo.

Cardinals Hire YouTube Star as Minor League Coach

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 13:00:11 +0000

The Cardinals hired a new hitting coach for their Double A team in Springfield, Missouri, and his name is Phil Wellman. Not ringing any bells? Well, remember the manager that was immortalized on YouTube after going on one of the all-time great manager freak outs (posted below)? Ring any bells? Same guy.

“I don’t hide from it, but it was not my proudest moment in the game of baseball,” Wellman said after he arrived in spring training in Jupiter, Fla. “I’ve done bigger and better things that were not captured on video.

St. Louis Loses a Sports Star From Every Major Team Today

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 23:34:16 +0000

February 18th, 2011…a day that will live in infamy for St. Louis sports. Well, maybe not…unless you’re really attached to the Rams’ O.J. Atogwe, the Blue’s Eric Brewer and the shell of Jim Edmonds. If you are, go get yourself a coke and try to shake it off! Tomorrow will be better…don’t look at STLToday’s Sports home page though. Actually, just turn away right now, because here it is!

Seriously check this crap out: Every single major sports team in St. Louis lost a player through either trade, release, or retirement.

Jim Edmonds Retired

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 16:40:51 +0000

Oh no way! The Cardinals just signed Edmonds! Isn’t he 40 now and has been hurt constantly for the last two years? Well he could help be a leader and a left-handed bat off the…oh wait. He just retired…never mind! With the weather being as nice as it is, everyone rock the half-shirt on Saturday in honor of Edmonds…it’s either that or go to his restaurant, but its a little expensive and a lot douchey.

Albert Pujols Invalidates Your Death

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 21:22:14 +0000

In the screen grab included below of KSDK.com’s home page, you see that Albert Pujols has managed to triumph over death! Four mentions of the Pujols contract dominate the home page, while 3 other stories about crime and death sink to the bottom like the boring crap news they are. Oh you died today and you want people to recognize it or something? Should have thought about that before you up and died on “contract deadline day”!

Kyle Lohse Has a New Tattoo

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 13:00:09 +0000

Cardinals starting pitcher Kyle Lohse arrived at Spring Training the other day sporting some new ink. Let us guess! Some sort of baseball that’s flying so fast the cover is coming off of it? Ding! Ding! Ding! How’d we guess?! Oh yeah, every pitcher that thinks tats are a good idea get something about a ball’s cover coming off. They must be big fans of The Sandlot or something.

Mark Buehrle Really Doesn’t Like Michael Vick

Fri, 11 Feb 2011 13:00:47 +0000

Native St. Louisan and Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle really likes dogs. In fact, Buehrle made news in December when his wife found a dog walking around St. Louis with an arrow sticking out of it and donated money to pay for the dog’s medical bills as well as found the dog a home. No word on if the dog has a comical water stream shoot out of his side when he drinks water, but it’s still a good story and makes Mark Buehrle seem like a really nice guy that cares.

Steven Jackson’s Wild Super Bowl Limo Ride

Mon, 07 Feb 2011 17:00:10 +0000

Like many NFL stars, St. Louis Rams running back Steven Jackson grabbed a flight down to Dallas to join in the Super Bowl fun. Early on Super Bowl Sunday, Jackson was scheduled to attend the ESPN tailgate party, so he took a limo from the hotel and the limo, in turn, took SJ39 on a little pre-party adventure. Luckily, he’s a prolific tweeter with a strong 3G connection, so we all got to ride shotgun on the crazy limo ride, which did, eventually, end with Jackson and company getting to the appearance safely.

Cardinals Sign Jim Edmonds…Wait What?!

Fri, 04 Feb 2011 21:00:36 +0000

MLB Trade Rumors is reporting that the Cardinals…our Cardinals, the St. Louis Cardinals, have signed Jim Edmonds. The same one as before. Not one from a time machine, the one from this year, the one that was about to retire like a week ago.

It appeared likely that Edmonds would retire last weekend, but the 40-year-old is returning for an 18th season in the major leagues. Eight of those seasons came in St. Louis, where Edmonds hit .285/.393/.555 from 2000-07 and was a key player on the ’06 World Champions.

Jay Mohr Says Pujols is Worth It…and Agrees that Jason Barrett is Creepy

Fri, 04 Feb 2011 17:00:44 +0000

In this clip from 101ESPN (WXOS)’s Superbowl media coverage, Bob Stelton interviews Jay Mohr and just before Stelton does the most obvious thing ever and asks Morh to do his Christopher Walken impression for the 23 Millionth time, Mohr gives the Cardinals some advice:

Mohr: [Thankfully interrupting Stelton from whatever boring thing he was saying…] Are they going to pay Pujols?

Stelton: Yes they are.

Mohr: They have to.

Brad Penny Was Totally Going to Pitch For the Cardinals in the Playoffs, but Well, You Know

Mon, 31 Jan 2011 20:00:44 +0000

Former Cardinal and perma-injured starting pitcher Brad Penny has been 20 times more interesting this off-season that he was in his official time as a Cardinal. To review, Penny signed with the Cardinals and pitched nine games all season. He hit a grad slam in that ninth game and never came back. Brillant! It’s a theatre technique called a “black out”. Look it up. Since the season’s conclusion, Penny has filled his time by whining on Twitter and getting dumped on by everyone.

Counting Down to Pujols’ New Contract Deadline

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 18:00:41 +0000

Less than a month remains until St. Louis baseball legend Albert Pujols’ self-defined deadline for when contract talks between him and the Cardinals need to be done or he will go to free agency. Instead of updating you daily like all the local sports sources have already started to do, we’re just going to put up a little countdown clock. Feel free to just stare at that whenever you’d like.

Comparing Our LaRussa Roast to the Actual One

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 17:00:01 +0000

About a month ago the roast of long-time Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was announced and, shockingly, our name was left off the guest list! We roasted him anyway. Go internet!

The actual roast took place last weekend though at the Annual Dinner of the St. Louis Chapter of Baseball Writers’ Association of America though you may know them as SLCOBWAOA. The “roaster roster” included Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland, broadcaster Mike Shannon, Fox2’s Martin Kilcoyne, actor Billy Bob Thornton, famed college basketball coach Bobby Knight, and former Cardinal Steve Kline.

NFL Running Back Laurence Maroney Arrested on Weapons Charges

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 17:00:59 +0000

No, nothing illegal here officer….oh ok, yeah, that gun. I meant nothing illegal other than that gun. Wanna autograph?

St. Louis native and current Denver Broncos running back Laurence Maroney was arrested Sunday night for unlawful weapons and drug charges. Let us guess: All that stuff belonged to your buddies and you didn’t know they had it?

“Mr. Maroney was unlawfully arrested for possession of weapons. He holds a permit to carry a concealed weapon and he had his permit on his person when he was arrested. He was not arrested for any drugs nor was he involved in a high speed chase. He was released without being charged with any offense and we do not anticipate he will be charged with any criminal offense,” according to the statement given to KMOV.com.

Rams Hire Josh McDaniels as Offensive Coordinator Who Gets Immediately Wiki-libeled

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 13:00:53 +0000

To fill the coaching hole left by the new Cleveland Browns head coach Pat Shurmur, the Rams made a big “splash” hire by picking up hot offensive coordinator prospect Josh McDaniels. McDaniels, you may remember, was recently the head coach for the horrible Denver Broncos and before that the boy-genius behind the New England Patriots’ prolific offenses in 2006-2008.

Also someone out in California doesn’t like him much.

As you can see in the image above from our tipster, someone added the following line to the end of McDaniels’ Wikipedia bio:

A Cardinals Winter Warm-Up Wrap-Up

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 13:00:21 +0000

Each off-season, the Cardinals hold their annual “Winter Warm-Up” about this time, consisting of player interviews, banquets, fan-forums, autograph sessions and a chance to get old fan-favorite players to come out in an effort to get as many hoosiers to take a hammer to their piggy bank, pile in their truck and come on in to the big city.

Not exactly our scene.

Others cover the even much better and with far less kicking of shins than we would, so we leave it to them and then recap the whole thing, in no particular order, the following Monday.

Rams’ Head Coach Steve Spagnuolo Fires Todd Hewitt and Sounds Like a Dick

Thu, 13 Jan 2011 13:00:43 +0000

Last week, just after the Rams season came to a close with the thunderous sound of sucking like it was 2009, 2nd year head coach Steve Spagnuolo fired Todd Hewitt abruptly closing his 24 year tenure as team equipment manager. Hewitt succeeded his father in the role, and, in total, had been with the Rams in some capacity since 1978.

We’d been ignoring the Hewitt story, also known as, St. Louis sports media’s current fixation, so far because we didn’t know anything about it. No one did, but the sports guys were still all over it: Bernie Miklasz questioned it, KFNS was all over it, 101ESPN didn’t seem to care hmm…well they’re Rams partners aren’t they? It was weird story for sure, but until someone talked, there wasn’t much for us to say.

Nobody Likes Ex-Cardinal Pitcher Brad Penny

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 18:00:17 +0000

Poor poor Brad Penny, he just wants people to like him, which in today’s society means he needs more Twitter “followers”. Apparently he needs as many as possible so that all the people in the world can enjoy Penny exploring the deepest caverns of the human existence on Twitter with questions like: “Any ideas on what movie we should c tonight?“

He would come over and toss you a baseball but…you know…his arm might fall off which would mean trouble for the right-hander’s plans to get another team to give him millions for 3 or 4 starts and free access to the team’s training facilities. It’s like the best gym membership ever!

Mizzou Quarterback Blaine Gabbert Leaves for NFL

Tue, 04 Jan 2011 20:00:21 +0000

Oh Mizzou fans, wasn’t it much easier when you had a starting quarterback that was a little short guy that was good but not good enough that any NFL team would pick after 255 chances? You had to go out and recruit a tall kid with a strong arm and good mobility. Now he’s gone.

“This is definitely a bittersweet day for me, I was really looking forward to having a chance to do some special things next season with my teammates, but in the end, this is the right decision to make for myself and my family,” said Gabbert.

Sam Bradford Had a Bad Hair Day and the Rams Remind Us They Still Suck

Mon, 03 Jan 2011 13:00:45 +0000

Sunday was Sam Bradford and the Rams chance to shine. They should have beaten a bad Seahawks team and at least showed a national audience that the Rams are up-and-commers in the league with a flash new star-in-the-making quarterback, Sam Bradford, not to mention doing the NFL a solid by not allowing the first sub .500 team in to the playoffs.

None of that stuff happened.

Rams Beat 49ers, Keep Playoff Hopes Alive

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 17:00:00 +0000

The Rams had to win and they did, despite their usual lame offensive coaching when they get even the smallest of leads.

Sam Bradford led the charge with 292 yards, going 28 for 37 with 1 touchdown and no interceptions, all while breaking Peyton Manning’s 12-year old record for NFL rookie completions.

“I guess it’s pretty cool,” Bradford said of the record. “I’m all fired up about the win. If you don’t get excited for a game like this, you’re probably in the wrong business.”

Rams Lose Governor’s Cup to Chiefs. St. Louis on Suicide Watch

Mon, 20 Dec 2010 17:00:41 +0000

Yeah Rams head coach Steve Spagnuolo, we’d be sad too if our team just went out secure play-off spot in the game that decided the all “important” Missouri Governor’s Cup and instead of winning, decided to go out and vag away the game with interceptions, sacks and getting shredded by a dude that just had his appendix taken out less than 2 weeks ago.

Cassel went the distance only 11 days after an emergency appendectomy, leading the way in a 27-13 victory over the suddenly sagging St. Louis Rams on Sunday. He didn’t think it was a big deal, either.

Keith Tkachuk Finally Starting to Look Like He’s From St. Louis

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 20:00:58 +0000

Credit to Deadspin for noticing it first:

One of the greatest American-born hockey players ever, Tkachuk was never known as a svelte dude. But just eight months after retirement, he’s looking like he still wears his pads under his dress shirt.

Lost some teeth and found some pounds! Replace that dress shirt with a polo embroidered with the logo of your local wooden pallet supplier, throw in some Crocs, and his St. Louis make-over is complete!

You Can’t Stop Us From Roasting Tony LaRussa

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 17:00:11 +0000

We’re hearing talk of a Celebrity Roast of Tony LaRussa, everyone’s favorite/least favorite Cardinal manager. “We’ve love to roast Tony! We graciously accept your invitation.” …is what we would have said had it not got lost in the mail or something. No matter! We can roast him whenever we want with the power of the internet! What we would have said is below. Read that while we go search for weird porn (the other power of the internet).

Cardinals Finally Find a Sucker to Take Brendan Ryan Off Their Hands

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 13:00:33 +0000

The St. Louis Cardinals finally managed to get rid of that Brendan Ryan they’ve had laying around their house for a while now taking up space. Derrick Goold from STLToday had the announcement:

The club traded their incumbent starting shortstop to the Seattle Mariners in exchange for High-A righthanded starter Maikel Cleto. The club confirmed the move this afternoon with an announcement.

Ryan became expendable for the Cardinals after they acquired infielder Ryan Theriot from the Los Angeles Dodgers last month. Theriot was billed immediately as the Cardinals starting shortstop, and they let other teams know that Ryan was availble [sic].

The Cardinals Welcome Former Astro Lance Berkman

Mon, 06 Dec 2010 13:00:25 +0000

Teammates and the press call him “Big Puma”, “Fat Elvis” or maybe just Lance, but now he’s also called a Cardinal after Lance Berkman signed a one year, $8 Million dollar deal.

[Berkman] The 34-year-old first baseman-outfielder is a five-time NL All-Star with the Astros and last year batted .248 with Houston and the New York Yankees, finishing with 14 homers and 58 RBIs. Berkman was traded to the Yankees on July 31 and helped them win the wild card.

What Will Happen With Pujols?

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 22:33:14 +0000

That’s the big question for the Cardinals and their fans this offseason: What will happen with Albert Pujols, arguably major league baseball’s best player, and who is less than a year from being a free agent and possibly leaving the Cardinals.

The guys at Cards Diaspora asked this question to some knowledgable and handsome folks and complied their answers in their post…what’s this? Is our fearless editor, the ruggedly handsome and slighty more popular than the WikiLeaks guy, Mike Flynn included in the list of notables as Tim McKernan and Deadspin’s Wil Leitch? Yes. Yes he is.

Cardinals Prepare to Ship Out Shortstop Brendan Ryan

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 20:00:36 +0000

The quirky Cardinals shortstop that’s had a permanent reservation at Tony LaRussa‘s dog house appears to be on his way out of St. Louis. After the Cardinals acquired ex-Cub Ryan Theriot from the Dodgers, the writing has been on the wall for Brendan Ryan, the mustachioed gentleman in the photo to the right taken a year ago when one of the local clubs had its douchebag collection on public display.

Kurt Warner Turns Judas to Rams Fan Acolytes

Tue, 30 Nov 2010 17:00:06 +0000

Kurt Warner won a Super Bowl for the Rams and a probable Disney movie with his ultimate St. Louis scrappy life story. We don’t remember all the details since no one mentioned it much…pretty sure it had something to do with stocking shelves at HyVee, football and praying to Jesus/Cthulhu that Trent Green would get hurt (totally worked!). Eh. Not important. The important thing is that he is a Rams legend and not matter how many random stops he did along down the final path to retirement, he will always be a Ram. Right Kurt?!

Broncos Let Rams Have Win Because They Played One Hell of a First Half

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 13:00:12 +0000

It just seemed fair. We made it close you know? But in the end, we gave the Rams their first road win. Plus their coaches were really are very good for half the game, but we could see them starting to cry in the 4th quarter calling all those runs. — An anonymous Denver player we made up.

Yes, our young little Rams managed an elusive win on the road yesterday in Denver, but the victory wasn’t exactly clean. The Rams tried really really hard to give the game away to a Broncos team that has been beating to hell this year despite the fact they’ve been caught cheating.

Pujols Gets 2MVP (2nd Most Valuable Player) Award for 2010 Season

Tue, 23 Nov 2010 13:00:27 +0000

The Cardinals’ Albert Pujols lost the vote for the 2010 National League MVP, coming in second to the Reds’ Joey Votto, but did get his 8th consecutive top 10 finish, putting him only behind Barry “Yeah, right there. Shove it in my ass!” Bonds who had 9.

Though Pujols was next in line, the vote was hardly close with Pujols only getting one 1st place vote. A vote that ESPN.com made sure to call out the scribe that cast it:

Rams WR Danario Alexander Gets an iPad

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 20:00:19 +0000

You know they might end up selling a few of these iPads. Sure sales have been “slow” up until now, but with the release of the new promotional shot with hobbled Rams wide receiver Danario Alexander that was tweeted out last night Apple should be prepping for a real sales crush.

On the way out of the store Danario, the former Mizzou wide out and frequent Twitterer, was nice enough to pose with his new purchase for the employees and then walked out the door, turned right and torn a tendon in his knee. It’s ok though, before the iPad could hit the floor, fellow Rams receiver Danny “Scrappy + White = STL God” Amendola caught it, thus saving the day yet again.

A Giant Knob: 2011 Cardinals Ticket Pricing to be “Dynamic”

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 17:00:49 +0000

The St. Louis Cardinals have announce that starting with next season their tickets will all be “dynamically priced” based on a variety of options:

Utilizing advanced computer programming linked to its new ticketing system, the Cardinals will have the ability to adjust ticket prices upward or downward on a daily basis based on changing factors such as team performance, pitching matchups, and the weather.

Unmentioned in the press release was the fact that the “advanced computer programming” is actually a giant knob in Bill Dewitt’s office marked “Ticket Prices”. The knob was installed earlier this week and was mounted directly to the right of the “release the hounds” button that successfully got Jason Marquis out of town.

Stan Musial to Get Presidential Medal of Freedom

Thu, 18 Nov 2010 20:00:46 +0000

All that standing for Stan finally paid off with yesterday’s announcement that the White House will give Cardinal great Stan Musial the most prestigious civilan honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Fellow Baseball hall of famers Hank Aaron, Jackie Robinson, Roberto Clemente and Ted Williams have already received the award with Musial getting his nod just before his 90th birthday.

The Presidential Medal of Freedom is given “for especially meritorious contribution (in) cultural or other significant public or private endeavors.” Past winners are a diverse group, ranging from Alan Greenspan to Bill Cosby, Muhammad Ali to Paul Harvey, Estee Lauder to Moe Berg, the major-league catcher who was also a spy.

Dan McLaughlin Pleads Guilty to DUI Charge

Thu, 18 Nov 2010 13:00:42 +0000

The man behind the best St. Louis-related mugshot since Ozzy Osbourne was arrested rocking a Blues jersey, Cardinal’s TV broadcaster Dan McLaughlin, has plead guilty to the DUI charge he earned back in August.

McLaughlin, 36, has completed community service and will serve two years’ probation in the case, said his lawyer Jim Towey. As part of the plea deal, the state will not revoke McLaughlin’s license. Shortly after his arrest, the court issued a stay order, which means McLaughlin was allowed to drive while the case was pending.

Brad Penny is Sorry for Being a Dead-Beat Pitcher

Tue, 16 Nov 2010 13:00:06 +0000

Brad Penny, he of his hot girlfriend, perfectly square head and a handful of games as a Cardinal in 2010, took to Twitter yesterday to say he’s sorry for not being around much this year. He’ll tell you what though! Next time, he’s going to pick us all up one weekend, take us for ice cream, go to a movie, and then the park! Anything you want Cardinal fans, it’ll be your day! No, this time he’s not lying…not like July, August, and September. He’ll be there. Promise!

Rams Lose in Overtime to Crappy 49ers

Mon, 15 Nov 2010 13:00:09 +0000

Someone tell the Rams that the games on the road count too. For the second time in as many away games, the Rams let a win slip away in the final seconds as the 49ers beat the Rams in overtime, raising their record to 3-6 while the Rams dropped to 4-5 and out of 1st place in the NFC West.

What the hell happened? Maybe we don’t have wide receivers worth a damn. Maybe the offensive play calling was, once again, lacking late in the game…or maybe…maybe…we should wear the throw back uniforms all the time. They look much better and James Laurinaitis feels like a badass in them.

St. Louis Cardinals are the Second-Best Real Estate on MLB Monopoly

Wed, 10 Nov 2010 20:00:24 +0000

A few years ago the people of Milton Bradley decided to turn out their little mustachioed real estate mogul and let any old brand, knock off that top hat and go to town on the Monopoly Man. The latest brand to take a ride on the “hope you don’t realize this is the same game as the last 45 incarnations” train is Major League Baseball.

The only intrigue when they churn out a new Monopoly game is what parts of the theme are worthy of Boardwalk and what crap do they throw down on the ghetto by the jail that is St. Charles Place. Well Cardinals fans do we have some news for you! Our team is Park Place baby! Movin on up! (Movin’ on up!) …

Woah! Calm Down Rams Fans!

Fri, 05 Nov 2010 19:00:18 +0000

Here we were thinking a 4 – 4 team was pretty good after only managing 3 wins the last two years, but if you look at the faces in this picture of the stands during a recent game our tipster alerted us too you would think these people were watching an episode of NCIS. Freaking horrible show. Mark Harmon?! Really, you made a show staring Mark Harmon? We’ve gotten better performances from the parking lot guy that asks for “just a couple of bucks, whatever you’ve got on you” every day, or the guy that keeps handing us envelopes with “restraining orders” in them. Shame on you CBS, and shame on you Katy Perry. That show is horrible and these “stop or I’m calling the police” jokes are getting old. We both know we have a connection, please write back with your own blood sample enclosed. I can’t make our matching lockets without it!

The Rams’ Steven Jackson Gets Animated For Nickelodeon

Fri, 05 Nov 2010 16:00:34 +0000

In the next episode of Nickelodeon’s thrilling animated commercial for the NFL they force feed to your kids like its one of the fine programs that aren’t just a commercial for their toy, like…um…ok, one second…shit this is harder than we thought. Ok, nevermind. This seems cool I guess then, oh and the Rams’ Steven Jackson is in it this week!

According to the Nick Toons site, the episode of “NFL Rush Zone: Guardians of the Core” (seriously, it’s called that) involves bullies harassing the main character…

Could Bad Boy Randy Moss Be a Ram Today?

Wed, 03 Nov 2010 16:00:00 +0000

‘Fro-less Update: The Rams have passed. No Randy Moss for the Rams. Source: ESPN.com

Original story follows…

Randy Moss has always been one of the most talented wide receivers in the National Football League…when he wants to be. This year alone, he’s been sent packing from two teams, the Patriots and Vikings. Being cut from the Vikings after only four weeks has cleared the way so that by 4pm today, he could be a St. Louis Ram.

Here’s the Actual Photo of Sam Bradford in a Mizzou Jersey

Thu, 28 Oct 2010 12:00:38 +0000

On Monday we mocked up what we thought it would look like when Sam Bradford pays off his bet with a Rams teammate about who would win Saturday’s game of Mizzou vs Oklahoma (above), but yesterday the real thing went down and we have photos of Oklahoma’s former QB rocking a personalized Mizzou jersey, courtesy of Rams wide receiver Danario Alexander.

It all started with an early morning tweet by Alexander saying simply “Good morning people!! I have a surprise for you today.”

A few hours later two more tweets followed with attached photos of Bradford rocking his personalized Mizzou jersey with his old college days number 14 on the front:

When reporters asked if Bradford ever thought about going to Mizzou out of high school, the media-savvy rookie quarterback replied:

Absolutely not, I wanted to win Big 12 championships.

…and what will he do with his personalized Mizzou jersey?

It’s going right back to Mr. Alexander. He can take it wherever he got it.

Full photos after the jump!

via AP

Mizzou Beats Oklahoma, Sam Bradford Loses Bet

Mon, 25 Oct 2010 12:00:11 +0000

The day before his current team was dealt an heartbreaking loss, Sam Bradford’s alma mater, Oklahoma, lost to Mizzou and in turn, Sam Bradford lost the bet he had in place with Rams wide receiver Danario Alexander.

Quite a crappy weekend for Rams Quarterback Sam Bradford, but he seems to be enjoying himself all the same:

Our Photoshopping (perfectly suitable for sending a photo link to your friends at Oklahoma) of a happy Sam Bradford rocking Mizzou gear is only a preview of reality, as the loser of the bet had to wear their collegate rival’s colors during practice the next week.

Tony LaRussa to Return as Cardinals Manager

Tue, 19 Oct 2010 12:00:00 +0000

When the disappointing 2010 season for the St. Louis Cardinals came to an end, Tony LaRussa packed most of his baseball knickknacks in to boxes, loaded them in to his car and drove home to California. He claimed he wanted to use the time to contemplate about the lost season and figure out if he still had the urge to manage the his 16th Cardinals team through the grueling 162-game season. Would Tony return? Has he lost the team?

Rams Beat Chargers to Even Record

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 14:00:30 +0000

The Rams beat the Chargers at home Sunday to pull to an unlikely 3 – 3 record. KMOV had the game for a change and pretty much pissed themselves with an overly-excited post-game show so that was “fun”. In the kinda way that watching a retarded kid get excited about tater tots is fun for a second and then you are like “Dude, calm the hell down. They are just tater tots. There’s like a 5 lbs bag in the freezer. Sweet god no one tell this kid about ketchup!”

The Lions Pounced on the Rams and Ate Their Face

Mon, 11 Oct 2010 14:00:19 +0000

The Lions didn’t just beat our St. Louis Rams Sunday afternoon, they destroyed them, dropping their largest point total on an opponent in over 15 years. The Lions bent over the Rams and just went to town, causing Detroit wide receiver Nate Burleson to have to take a break from banging us because he balls were apparently on fire (above).

So much for all that “We might make the playoffs!” talk from last week huh? *cough*Told ya so.*cough*

Kelly Chase, Former St. Louis Blues Bad Ass, Figure Skating on Canada Reality Show

Tue, 05 Oct 2010 19:00:18 +0000

Battle of the Blades is to Canada what Dancing with the Stars is to America. The differences being “Blads” is hockey players instead of D-list celebrities and it’s on ice. So what about Canada? Well former St. Louis Blues badass Kelly Chase is on this season.

If you thought for a second that he’s dancing with Michelle Kwan, you’re a racist. If you thought Not-Michelle Kwan was dancing with late-nineties Brenda Warner, we don’t blame you.

The Rams Won Again. Everyone Just Be Cool.

Mon, 04 Oct 2010 12:00:55 +0000

The St. Louis Rams won Sunday, beating the Seattle Seahawks 20-3 and killing several horribly embarrassing streaks:

17 consecutive losses versus NFC West teams.

Haven’t had a .500 record since 2006.

Hadn’t won two consecutive games since 2008.

Ok, that’s pretty great to get those horse collars off our neck. Not to mention Steve Jackson, @sj39, going out there at far less than 100% like a warrior and Sam Bradford continuing to make people forget that he’s only played half the number of NFL games than the number on his chest.

Cardinals 2010: It Was Over, but Now It’s Really Over

Wed, 29 Sep 2010 12:00:26 +0000

That’s it folks. The Reds have won the Central Division and the Cardinals are going home to go hunt or fish or make their jeans in to jorts…whatever all those hoosier Cardinals do. Right fielder Jay Bruce hit a walk-off home run against the Houston Astros to win the game and snatch the Central Division crown off the Cardinals crestfallen head.

Bruce homered on the first pitch from Tim Byrdak leading off the ninth inning Tuesday for a 3-2 victory over the Houston Astros that secured the NL Central title and touched off the long-awaited party in a city where champagne sprays were commonplace in the ’70s and ’90s.

You Think It’s Tough Being a St. Louis Fan?

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 19:00:19 +0000

It’s been a rough few weeks for St. Louis players, but namely there have been two injuries that we’ve wanted to bring up, but without video, what the point?

We have video now: Danny Ammendola getting body slammed and Blake Hawksworth taking a ball to the face.

Video courtsey of NFL and MLB

Music by REM

The Rams Beat the Redskins!

Mon, 27 Sep 2010 12:00:26 +0000

If Adolf Hitler, Jeffery Dahmer, Corey Haim, George Steinbrenner and Dixie Carter are all thinking “Man it’s oddly temperate today.” it’s all because of the Rams dropping a W on the Washington Redskins and thus making hell get a little chilly.

The Rams (1-2) won for only the second time in 29 games overall behind a strong start and even stronger finish, with the biggest offensive showing under second-year coach Steve Spagnuolo.

Cardinals Show Felipe Lopez the Door

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 16:00:08 +0000

So the Cardinals suck and Felipe Lopez knew it. So that fool had to go! He just knew too much.

In the Cardinals’ clubhouse at Busch Stadium, Lopez, who had a narrow cubby hole for a locker, had a sign affixed that read “Club Flip.” But Lopez won’t be needing that locker anymore _ and the club no longer will be in operation _ because he first was sent home from here to Florida this afternoon by manager Tony La Russa and later was granted his unconditional release by general manager John Mozeliak.

Cardinals Catcher Jason LaRue Retires Because of Johnny Cueto

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 14:00:12 +0000

Remember a few weeks ago when the Cardinals were all charged up and going against the upstart Cincinnati Reds and then they all got in that big fight because Brandon Phillips was all like “the Cardinals are bitches” and then in the game Phillips was like “Hey Yadi whats up?” and Yadi was all like “Don’t tap me bro!”, then the fight broke out and Reds’ pitcher Johnny Cueto started kicking Carptener in the back and Jason LaRue in the head a bunch of times and we were pissed because we missed the whole thing live because we were making a turkey sandwich? Well that sandwich was great and LaRue just retired because of the concussion he got that night. The trick is brown mustard…not for concussions…for sandwiches. We’re fairly certain brown mustard does little to nothing for concussions.

Saturday Kiss Cam Hangover: The Top 10 Kiss Cam Photoshops

Sat, 18 Sep 2010 14:00:58 +0000

Because of the popularity of yesterday’s post on the Cardinals Kiss Cam controversy (say that 10 times fast), we have a few trailing notes that we wanted to share via a special weekend post!

– Largely ignored in the previous post, we should have given the Cardinals, as a whole, more credit. Good for them for promoting (kinda) a “Out at the Ballpark” day. No matter what happens with the Kiss Cam at the game today, this is a nice gesture and a step in the right direction.

– The Vital Voice did a great video about the “Out at the Ballpark” day along with their own coverage of the Kiss Cam noise. Watch through the end for their own take on the Kiss Cam. “First Gay Day At Busch Stadium / Kiss Cam Controversy“

– We loved making them and more than a few of your expressed that you really enjoyed our collection of “odd” Kiss Cam’s that dotted the right side of the initial post. For that reason, and the fact that we made a few more that didn’t make it in the post, we present to you the..

Top 10 Kiss Cam Photoshops

10. The Kissing Fatties – Notice the bag of Cheetos that we swear to you were in the original photo.

9. The Pariere Dogs – Life on the pariere was never the same after this.

8. Woman and Horse – No idea how she got that horse up in to the stands.

7. The White Sox – …If this Greek-warrior level of closeness worked for them, maybe Tony should look in to it.

6. Batman and Robin – No shock here. You knew it, we knew it, they knew it.

See the top 5 after the jump!

The Cardinals Kiss Cam: Looking at Your Fat Ass Isn’t Any Better Than Two Dudes

Fri, 17 Sep 2010 12:00:28 +0000

Saturday afternoon at Busch Stadium, a large group consisting of many gay and lesbian couples plans to attend the Cardinals game. Not sure why, the Cards are way out of it, but whatever, that’s their choice. Another choice of their’s is to put in a request to be featured on the “Kiss Cam”. Ok, cool. We don’t see the problem, or even why this is front page news on STLToday…we also have a full set of chromosomes, which might be why we aren’t “outraged” by this and taking to the always delightfully retarded comment section to scream about it.

A staple of sporting events for years, the “Kiss Cam” is pretty simple: Find couples in the crowd. Keep the camera on them until they give each other a little peck. It’s pointless, but gives people a chance to think about something else when the Pirates have crowded around the Cardinals and keep kicking them in the junk. How the hell could this mindless little thing be a problem for anyone? Well all the trouble started because of…wait for it…the Rams.

The request to feature same-sex couples on the Kiss Cam at Busch Stadium grew out of an incident that occurred Sunday at the Edward Jones Dome, where the Rams hosted the Arizona Cardinals. During the Kiss Cam feature, two men dressed in Arizona jerseys were among the couples shown. The crowd laughed and booed when the two men tried to shoo away the cameras. But there were gay men in the crowd who said it was offensive that the Rams organization would choose to embarrass Arizona fans by portraying them as a gay couple.

Eh. I don’t think this was something that was done to “mock the gay community” any more than when Dustin Hoffman kissed Jason Bateman at a ballgame earlier this year, but people are touchy these days. We like that the Rams went for it there and tried their hands at a joke, but frankly it was a bit tired, and line we wouldn’t cross if we really needed everyone we to buy tickets to our games, since alienating people isn’t good business. Either way, it offended some people and, shockingly these days, they acted rationally: They formed a group to go to a sporting event, and asked politely if they could be on the Kiss Cam for once. Well done! So where did the wheels come off? STLToday happened.

Making the issue 20 times bigger than it should have been and knowing full well that their comment section would ignite in an inferno of hatred, STLToday decided to run the story with the headline:

“Gays to Cards: Put us on Kiss Cam, too“

Are you fucking kidding us with that shit? Could you have found a more shit-stirring headline that that? What about “Queers Order Cardinals to Play Gay Porn on Busch Stadium Jumbotron”? “Gays”? So every gay person wants to be on the kiss cam? We’re talking about 200 people here. If this was any other group, would you lump them all together like that? You can talk all you want STLToday about how you are working hard to keep your comments section clean but you’re full of shit, so just admit you want the hoosier hate because it makes your page views go up.

Fun’s just starting though.

First we have Chris Tunno, a Cardinals spokesman, who says this is why it’s scary territory to put homosexual couples on the big screen:

Do you pick a guy and a girl? And what if you pick someone who is not together? And two guys and two girls? Same thing. You’d be in a total mess.

Ever been to a Cardinals game? Every single time we’ve seen the Kiss Cam in action they always end up with at least one shot of a “couple” that aren’t together. Every. Time. When it happens, you can tell right away they aren’t a couple by the body language, people chuckle, the camera moves on and people forget about it. Happens every time without fail and who does that hurt? If the Cardinals were really worried about this, there is a simple solution to drop the chances of a mismatch down to zero: Do a little couple research during the game. Get some binoculars out and scan the crowd. If two people (guy and girl, guy and guy or girl and girl) are a couple, they don’t have to be making out to tell. No one’s going to confuse two hoosier’s with their cut-off t-shirts high-fiving each other as a couple. Of course those two dudes could actually be gay as a tangerine, but you won’t confuse them with a couple.

Ok, we’ve solved the problem for the Cardinals, exposed STLToday as douche-bags and showed you a few other taboo Kiss Cam situations with our inline images…lets get to those STLToday comments shall we? You know you wanna see them!

Cubs Shortstop Gets Busted For Underage Gambling at Lumiere Place Casino

Thu, 16 Sep 2010 16:00:06 +0000

I don’t know how we missed this yesterday, but KMOV got the scoop on a great little story about the Chicago Cubs’ rookie shortstop, one Starlin Castro, getting busted for underage gambling in the downtown Lumiere Place Casino.

News4 has learned that Castro was involved in a violation of Missouri gaming laws at Lumiere Place Casino on August 13th. The Cubs were staying at the Four Seasons Hotel and after their game that night with the St. Louis Cardinals, Castro and some of the players went downstairs to Lumiere Place Casino.

Former NBAer John Salley Tells a Disgusting Tale of East St. Louis Stripper

Mon, 13 Sep 2010 15:40:17 +0000

Every week over at Deadspin, John Salley spins a yarn, weaving a picture of his old playing days. Last Fridays’ story took place in the butthole of the metro area…a butthole that, like real buttholes, some enjoy visiting and that’s great, but the fact remains, normally it’s a shit factory.

I went to this nasty strip club with the Torry Brothers one time in East St. Louis. I don’t even think white people are even allowed in this place. There was Guy and his brother Joe, the one from Poetic Justice. We’re in this club and Guy’s sitting there in his white sweatshirt, getting a lap dance. So this girl’s dancing and dancing on him — she’s got a big ol’ ass and she’s moving his head and stuff, grinding on his chest, up and down, back to his midsection, grinding and grinding on him.

Bradford Loses His First Game, but the Internet Doesn’t Care

Mon, 13 Sep 2010 12:00:03 +0000

The first Sunday in the 2010 NFL season was a day of ups and downs for Rams starting quarterback and St. Louis Prom King in-waiting, Sam Bradford. Some of those moments were more obvious than others, but it’s still worth running through Sam’s day:

As the fans piled in to the Edward Jones Dome its clear St. Louis loves Sam Bradford. All the Rams of yesteryear be dammed! Replace that Torry Holt jersey! …or if you have duct tape in your trailer (it’s under the pile of Natural Lite cans, to the right of your black and white TV with the HD converter box and bunny ears), just turn #81 in to #8. No it looks good! You can barely tell:

Attention All! The Cardinals Changed Their Twitter Account Name!

Fri, 10 Sep 2010 16:00:02 +0000

Listen up people! The St. Louis Cardinals official Twitter account is now “CardsInsider” not…um…whatever it was before.

Here’s a chunk of the actual press release sent out yesterday afternoon about this momentous day:

“Our new name better reflects the content that fans can expect to receive when they sign up to follow the team on Twitter,” said team President Bill DeWitt III. “In a relatively short period of time, our Twitter feed has really established itself as the unfiltered source of the latest news and insider information directly from the club.”

Ravens Linebacker Gets Chewed for Taunting Rams

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 19:00:26 +0000

“Hey you don’t make fun of and taunt the weaker kid! They suck, but they’re trying their best…sure none of it will matter and in the end, after a rough season of getting their brains bashed in they’ll somehow end up more “special” requiring them to wear helmets in normal non-helmet requiring activities and will join a Christian rock band that only gets gigs so that people can show up and say things like ‘Oh my. They really are giving it their all.’ and ‘What little troopers! When they set their minds to something…’ trailing off so they don’t have to actually say how bad it is. We all know where this is going, so there is no need to make fun of them! Now go sit down so they can stare at you with that creepy unblinking gaze retarded guys have.”

The Cardinals Radio Broadcasts Go Back to KMOX

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 12:00:41 +0000

In what is no doubt the most anyone has ever talked about radio since…um…I don’t know…jesus radio metaphors are hard…probably because no one cares about radio. Except for the St. Louis sports media who still thinks its really really really really really important.

As first reported today on STLtoday.com, the team announced late this afternoon that it will return its radio broadcasts to KMOX next season after five years at KTRS, where they had been airing after a 51-year run at KMOX.

What Ever Happened to Eric Crouch?

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 19:00:16 +0000

Oh sure you remember Eric Crouch! The Nebraska football stud quarterback that went on to get a Heisman and then be drafted by your St. Louis Rams as a wide receiver? Mad Mike Martz’s plan never really worked and after getting a real injury to go along with his hurt pride, Crouch retired just weeks before the regular season.

What’s he up to now?

Crouch is now the owner of Crouch Recreation, a company that installs park and playground equipment ranging from water slides to scoreboards in Nebraska, South Dakota and Iowa.

Craigslist: Anyone Seen the Cardinals Team We Had In April?

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 12:00:59 +0000

We had this really great baseball team in April and now we can’t find it, so we took to Craigslist to see if we can track it down.

Any help locating it would be greatly appreciated.

Click for a larger view. Actual posting is at http://stlouis.craigslist.org/laf/1930411367.html

Mizzou Running Back Derrick Washington Charged with Sexual Assault

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 16:00:51 +0000

It had to be something this heavy for Derrick Washington, the stand-out running back, to be mysteriously suspended by Mizzou head coach Gary Pinkel last week. Division I college football coaches generally don’t just “indefinitely suspend” one of their best players for the something like library fines, and sure enough, the rap on Washington is a way worse than library fines…unless you broke in to the library after dark and put your penis in the books without asking, then it would be about the same.

Cardinals Lose Again and Over-Share on Their Pre Game Bowel Movements

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 12:00:42 +0000

The Cardinals lost. Tony hates Rasmus. The team just doesn’t give a crap. Buzz Bissinger’s pissed. Blah blah blah…when will the Cardinals give us something new! Anything?! Please! Just anything!

Last night we got this:

“Happ stymies Cardinals with two-shit shutout”

Telling the world about your game-long battle with the Deluxe Nachos really takes the win out of your use of “stymies”.

In honor of the Cardinals upcoming “Social Media Day” did you know the Cardinals auto-tweet out their headlines? Hell yeah they do!

Pujols and LaRussa Attend Glenn Beck Rally

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 12:00:26 +0000

“I made it clear when we were approached: I said, ‘If it’s political, I wouldn’t even approach Albert with it.’ I don’t want to be there if it’s political,”

That’s Tony LaRussa talking last week about the rally in the nations capitol over the weekend put on by Glenn Beck and featuring Sarah Palin. Political? Maybe, maybe not. Controversial? No doubt about it. Beck’s rally has both ruffled feathers and drawn curious looks for its choice of date and guests, despite Beck’s claims that the point is only to restore the honor of stuff that most believe still had plenty of honor in the tank, and is saying any date-correlations are completely accidental (the day the rally takes place is the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech). To this point, we heard that Pujols was ready to back out of the appearance, up until the last second, if it turned at all political.

JoeSportsFan Figures Out Airport Shops Suck Balls

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 15:00:51 +0000

Our friends at JoeSportsFan.com and KFNS.com just released their expose on the absolute crappiness of the Lambert Airport sports shop “Hometown Favorites”. Summery? Pedro Guerrero is prominently displayed. Pretty much all you need to know to see where this is going.

Its no surprise of course. Airports in general are set in their own little world. A scary world where an 87 year old woman can take down a plane with a pair of safety scissors, a Burger King Whopper with Cheese costs $9.45 and Mark Mulder is still punching out major league hitters rather than sitting at home with a stain on his shirt yelling at his shoulder.

The NFL’s Best #28 and #29 Were Rams

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 19:00:08 +0000

Sports Illustrated is counting down all 101 (apparently both 0 and 00 count) jersey numbers and naming the best players to wear that numeral of all time. In the list the Rams snagged five spots, with the majority coming from the LA days. The old skool Cardinals snuck one in there too later on down the list.

#28 Marshall Faulk

A key cog of the Rams’ “Greatest Show On Turf,” Faulk played his last game in 2005, ending a career in which he produced 19,154 combined yards from scrimmage. His 6,875 yards receiving are the most by any running back. #

Shaq Proposed to His Girlfriend in St. Louis

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 16:00:20 +0000

We’re a little late to the party on this one, but according to the Post Dispatch‘s Deb “Every Once in a While I Write Something Interesting” Peterson, Shaq, after being in town for Pujols’ charity kegger (Crazy night! Right Danny Mac?!) he proposed to his girlfriend right here in old St. Louis!

After leaving the mother of your children and wife of seven years though, you can’t date and marry just anyone. You’re Shaq for christ sakes! What you need is a skanky chick that used to slobber over a crusty older celebrity…like maybe Flavor-Flav. For reals. Nicole “Hoopz” Alexander, known for being the winner of VH1’s “Flavor of Love,” has been dating Shaq for “a few months” now. The old and new boyfriends are on good terms though. Word is that after Shaq and Hoopz’ magical wedding night is all just a stain, ‘Flav has plans to live in the newly hollowed out part of Hoopz. It will be like Webster hiding in that dumbwaiter. So cute!

Pfffft. You Don’t Mean That Johnny Damon!

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 19:00:17 +0000

“I love Detroit.”

That was former Kansas City Royal, Oakland Athletic, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankee and current Detroit Tiger Johnny Damon ****yesterday after turning down a chance to be traded back to the Boston Red Sox team he helped bring a World Series Championship to in 2004 after sweeping the Car…ugh. Blockquote to break the painful memory anyone?

The Red Sox claimed Damon on waivers this week, but he had the right to veto a move to Boston because of a no-trade clause in his contract.

Stan Kroenke Looks Like the New Rams Owner

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 12:00:14 +0000

It’s been a long road for Stan Kroenke to get finally own the worst team in the NFL, but it looks like he might finally get the team. First there was the sudden claim of the team from Shahid Khan, then the NFL rules he had to dodge about cross-city ownership, and after all that, he had to be all like “Dude. I don’t have the money, but I promise I will have it soon. Be cool. What happened? You used to be cool.” None of that matters now because the NFL finance committee has unanimously voted in favor of our man Stan.

Apparently People Don’t Like Dan McLaughlin

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 19:41:29 +0000

From the moment we posted about Dan McLaughlin this morning, we’ve been hearing report after report from all over about how lots and lots of people don’t like old “Danny Mac”. Lots of people are, dare we say, happy about this little traffic stop and following mug shot.

…and then we got this thrown our way:

The fact that someone took the time to make and circulate this says a lot. Also of note is that we still can’t look at that mugshot without giggling.

River City Rascals, Completely Out of Ideas, Sign Little Person

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 19:00:38 +0000

Anything to get Fox 2’s Tim Ezell to come visit huh River City Rascals?

In an effort to reenact Bill Veeck’s famous “sign a midget since no one can strike him out” move last night, the O’Fallon, Misouri independent league baseball team, signed a short(est) stop of their own. Welcome Eddie Gaedel 2010 aka Nick Hagan!

According to Nick’s bio on the Rascals site, he is listed as “utility” under position. Born in 1994, the 4’0″, 110 lbs Hagan is described as an “avid gamer” and has a yellow belt in Karate. Neither of which are in any way important facts or interesting in the least.

There is Already a Fake Dan McLaughlin Twitter Account

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 16:53:02 +0000

Update: We’ve been told by the (fake) man himself, this Twitter account has been around since April. It’s just upping the game with the recent news.

The internet works fast and it means business. (Fake) Dan McLaughlin has a Twitter account.

via twitter.com/FakeDanMclaughl

Dan McLaughlin Gets Busted For Drinky Drinky Drivey Drivey

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 16:00:06 +0000

Update: Now with 100% more awesome mugshot action!

Yeah, he looked really sober. Probably not guilty. He looks like Jack Nicholson’s drunk chubby little brother. You see the key to looking sober is to cross your eyes and give the camera a creepy sly smile. This may be the greatest St. Louis mugshot since Ozzy Osbourne.

Original post below…

Dan McLaughlin, Cardinals TV broadcaster on Fox Sports Midwest, was pulled over and arrested on suspicion of drunk driving Monday night after refusing to submit to a breathalyzer test.

Ryan Franklin Looks Stupid

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 16:00:36 +0000

The Cardinals had the day off yesterday which worked out well since the annual charity golf tournament put on by the Pujols Foundation was yesterday and putting out a “sorry everyone is at work” would have made for a lame “celebrity” golf game over at the swank St. Alben’s course.

In attendance were Shaq, Tony LaRussa’s good buddy, Bob Knight, Bo Jackson, Ozzie Smith, Mark McGwire and of course all the usual Cardinal teammates. …which includes Ryan Franklin (below).

Cubs Rants For the Weekend Series

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 16:00:05 +0000

Sure we ripped on him for much of the week, but Brandon Phillips did somehow manage to stumble his way in to a good thing by stirring up some crazy stuff with his now famous Cardinals rant (Checkout our full coverage here!). That being said, losing your mind in front of a microphone about another baseball club is hardly original though. Its happened more than a few times and a couple of the best where about the one club that’s pretty much a walking target for ripping on…

Who’s a Little Bitch Now Asshole?: 7 Notes for the Brandon Phillips Hangover

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 12:00:20 +0000

Here’s a few quick notes in the aftermath of Brandon Phillips’ testicles finally dropping. Turns out they were behind his vagina.

1. If Phillips’ balls finally made an appearance, they went right back up inside after Yadier Molina got in his face.

2. Brandon Phillips drives the douchiest car imaginable. Naturally.

Not more than a few days ago, Yahoo! Sports dropped this little nugget about how the now famous Brandon Phillips: He drives a big purple expensive douche-mobile!

3. There is reason to cheer for Phillips.

The Cardinals’ Skip Schumaker Gets No Respect

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 16:00:40 +0000

Lets hope Cardinals’ second baseman (kinda) Skip Schumaker follows the whole “glass is half full” metaphor for life because yesterday was a doozy.

Skip’s day started out with being labeled as one of the 10 worst everyday players in Major League Baseball on sport writer Joe Posnanski’s personal blog. Under the heading of “Nominees” for the league’s Least Valuable Player, Skip cracked the bottom 10 along with other notable names: Carlos Lee (Astros), Derrek Lee (Cubs), Jason Kendall (Royals) and Miguel Tejada (Padres). Being listed with these names isn’t all bad, but since its not the 2002 All-Star roster, we guess it really isn’t all that good either.

Brandon Phillips Calls Cardinals Little Bitches

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 12:00:36 +0000

Cincinnati Reds’ Second Baseman Brandon Phillips got a little nicked up playing the Cubs recently, but when asked if he would ok for the big Cardinals series Phillips had this to say (according to daytondailynews.com):

“I’d play against these guys with one leg. We have to beat these guys. I hate the Cardinals. All they do is bitch and moan about everything, all of them, they’re little bitches, all of ‘em. I really hate the Cardinals. Compared to the Cardinals, I love the Chicago Cubs. Let me make this clear – I hate the Cardinals.”

Kareem Rush, Former Mizzou Basketball Player, Drops New Single

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 19:00:34 +0000

After bouncing around the NBA from the Lakers, to the Bobcats, the Sonics, Pacers, 76ers, the Clippers and even a stint in Lithuania, is it really a surprise to see former Mizzou basketball stand-out Kareem Rush anywhere? Ok then, what about a music video? It sure looks like the NBA career of Kareem Rush may be over with a nagging knee injury, but his vocal chords seems fine and he can wear a leather jacket on the beach like nobodies’ business in his new music video.

At least he’s not rapping.

With a single, “Hold You Down,” receiving airtime on 10 R&B stations across the country, including his hometown KPRS in Kansas City, Mo., as well as stations in Los Angeles and Washington, D.C., Rush is trying to do something countless other professional athletes have failed at — succeed in the music business.

The good news about Rush’s music career is that apparently your basketball success is inversely related to your musical talent. Observe the following list ordered in descending basketball skill along with a quote.

Kobe Bryant — “Kobe made an album. Kobe’s album sucked. It would’ve been better if he let me write it.” – 50 Cent
Shaq — “Tell me how my a** tastes” — Shaq himself
Allen Iverson — “Everybody stay fly, get money, kill and f*ck b*tches” — Jewels, Iverson’s rap alias, on the song “40 Bars”
Chris Webber — “Sub-par in front of the mic, in recent years Webber has excelled as a producer.” — naismithlives.com

No doubt Kareem’s career is far below even Webber’s so, statistically, this bodes well for his music. We’ll see, but really, its not nearly as bad as we would have thought. You’ll know if he’s a legit R&B star if he makes his song titles have extra stuff in parenthesis, like “Crazy For You (If You Just Shut Up For a Second)” or “I Love You Baby (Touch My Penis)”

Click through the jump to see Kareem Rush’s video for Promises (Hold You Down) Yup, parenthesis. He’s legit.

via ESPN and our tipster

The Reds Are the New Cardinals: Jim Edmonds Acquired by Reds

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 17:33:52 +0000

According to the Cincinnati Reds’ Twitter feed, they have just acquired former Cardinal Jim Edmonds.

This move continues ex-Cardinal GM Walt Jockety’s quest to rebuild his old Cardinal team in Cincinnati that currently includes Scott Rolen, Jason Isringhausen, Russ Springer and Miguel Cairo.

We hear a waiver deal possibly involving Fred Bird is next, but until then expect an Edmonds appearance later on in the upcoming series vs the Reds.

Native St. Louis Boxing Takes a Draw Over the Weekend

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 12:00:16 +0000

Saturday night at Scottrade Center the latest big boxing event took place and included two high-profile native St. Louis boxers: Cory Spinks and Devon Alxander. Both were expected to win.

1 out of 2 ain’t bad though right. Unless it’s a homework grade, then it’s a big fat fail. School is hard.

Cory “The Next Generation” Spinks fought first in one of the 116 undercards. He got punched 44 times in the face and then the ref stopped the fight.

Jesus Dude. Damn! Come on Cardinals.

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 20:00:57 +0000

Aaron “I’m horrible but plucky” Miles manning third base? Randy Winn?! The Astros have nothing. They should be the ones playing Randy Winn and Miles!

Oh did you miss the game? It didn’t go well. This is how I will sum it up for you:

Aaron. Miles. Pitching. 18-4 Astros.

The Cardinals are freaking terrible. Yes, we are right there atop the division, but so what? Are the playoffs really that cool when you just get blasted out of them right when you walk in?

Kroenke Tries Putting the Rams on Layaway

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 19:00:17 +0000

“You know what? Screw it! I’m going to buy them!”

“I think that’s against the rules.”

“Nah. I can get around them.”

“Ok, so you are serious? Because someone already said that they wanted to buy them.”

“Screw that guy, I’m going to buy them.”

“Eh…I guess we can change the rules…”

“Yeah, change them.”

“Good point. Ok, we’ll change them. That will be $600 Million dollars please.”

Sam Bradford is Rich Biatch!

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 20:01:59 +0000

Over the weekend, the Rams’ #1 draft pick, quaterback Sam Bradford finally signed his contract and it was for a lot of money. A believe the parlance is a “panty dropping amount”.

No. 1 overall draft pick Sam Bradford agreed to a six-year, $78 million contract with the St. Louis Rams Friday night, with $50 million in guaranteed money.

The Rams and the former Oklahoma quarterback concluded negotiations in time for the first full-squad workout, set for Saturday. The guaranteed money is the highest ever in the NFL.

Cards Trade Ludwick: Everyone’s Pissed but Jake Westbrook

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 12:00:26 +0000

A few hours before the Major League Baseball trading deadline passed, the Cardinals brass pulled the trigger on a three-team deal that brought back a pitching prospect from the San Diego Padres and veteran starting picture Jake Westbrook from the Cleveland Indians while sending right-fielder Ryan Ludwick to the Padres in return.

Everyone is pissed. Well not everyone…Jake Westbrook is stoked.

“I’m excited to go to a club that’s contending for a playoff spot and pitch in some meaningful ballgames,” Westbrook said. “That’s why you play the game, to get a chance to play in the playoffs and I look forward to doing that.”

Well that’s nice. Good for him. Get really for a cold clammy welcome Jake!

Compared to the views within the walls of Busch Stadium, those fan tweets are nearly cheers.

Asked if he was surprised by the deal, Chris Carpenter waited 12 seconds before responding.

“The loss of Ludwick is something that surprised me,” the ace eventually said. “In turn, you have to give up something to get something. Unfortunately it was Ryan. … I can only speak for myself and not for everybody else. It’s nice to acquire a guy like Westbrook, and it’s hard to lose a guy like Ludwick. There’s no question.”

He paused five seconds.

“It will be interesting to see.”

Cold vibes coming from Carpenter, but the off-the-record Cardinal quotes Joe Strauss got are much better:

KSDK Hitches It’s Wagon to the Worst Football Team in NFL (Rams)

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 19:00:21 +0000

We know what you are thinking: “Gosh I wish there were more shows about football on, and specifically shows about the worst team in the league.”

Well buddy, we have a surprise for you!

KSDK-TV said Tuesday that it will launch a new, half-hour Sunday morning sports program in September as part of a new agreement with the St. Louis Rams.

Tentatively titled “Rams Tailgate,” the magazine-type program will showcase the lives of Rams players and coaches both on and off the field, the television station said, and “go beyond the traditional X’s and O’s of typical football pregame programs.”

Stadium Health Inspection Report: The St. Louis Blues Are Really Clean

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:00:29 +0000

The Blues Win Something! Hello? Hello?! They Won Something. No one cares?

Ok, we might have been overselling it somewhat. They didn’t really win anything…but their stadium did!

According to ESPN, out of the three major sporting venues in St. Louis, only the Blues’ home, the Scottrade Center, score perfect with no “critical violations”. The score is a percentage of vendors with health code violations out of the total vendors.

Stan Musial Makes Sports Illustrated Cover

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 15:00:14 +0000

You know, this Stan Musial character might be a pretty good ball player. We should give him a fun nickname, like Pujols’ “Mang” or “El Hombre”, but, you know, not so latin sounding…

via SI.com

Update: Former Cardinal Mike Matheny Still Squatting at Home

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:00:09 +0000

A few days ago we told you that former Cardinal catcher Mike Matheny might need to crash at your place for a little while. Nothing perminant. Just until he can get his feet under him. Two weeks tops…maybe a month. Oh and he says you’re out of Lucky Charms.

Former Cardinal catcher and still crowd favorite Mike Matheny is catching something else these days: Heat from a lawsuit filed against him and a few others by the Business Bank of St. Louis.

Matheny’s home is up for grabs and soon…like next Monday soon. All yours for $2.5 Million dollars!

Our friends at Cards Diaspora came across this news and asked us for an update on Matheny’s situation.

From the excellent website Punching Kitty comes this tid-bit about former Cardinals catcher Mike Matheny: his house is in foreclosure and is or has been recently put up for public auction. Can we get PK to find out more about this story, please? Did this house sell? How the hell did Matheny get in this situation after only being retired a couple of seasons?

Ask and you shall receive! We have an update, but lets take these questions one at a time:

Can we get PK to find out more about this story, please?

Yes. Actually we just said that. Pay attention.

Did this house sell?

No! Our initial post on the dealings said that Matheny’s home was going on the auction block July 19th, but at the last second, the auction was cancelled. According to St. Louis Business Journal:

Larry Parres, the Lewis Rice attorney who represented the bank, confirmed the sale had been called off on the 10,000-square-foot, seven-bedroom home at 2034 Joe’s Way in Chesterfield.

Business Bank originally scheduled its foreclosure sale on the Matheny home for July 12 but then delayed the auction until [July 19th].

As of this writing we still couldn’t find any answer as to why the auction was killed the morning of it’s scheduled time, but as of right now the bank is still in control of Matheny’s home.

How the hell did Matheny get in this situation after only being retired a couple of seasons?

Matheny and his wife used their house as collateral for loans given out by the Business Bank to a real estate investment business owned, in part, by the Matheny’s. Not only that, but the Matheny’s are also on the hook for another 4.2 Million down do the same bank.

It appears investing in real estate was a bad idea in the last few years. Maybe he should have stuck to “Protege Baseball” videos.

via St. Louis Business Journal

Pujols Was on Letterman Last Night

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 12:00:22 +0000

Initial reactions to watching Pujols on the David Letterman Show last night:

– What an odd choice of a song to walk Pujols out to.

– Julio Franco was the player of choice for little Albert?

– Wow. Forgot how much this guy needs a spanglish translator.

– Dave asked him what team is “laughable”, but Pujols didn’t answer. You were thinking of the Pirates Albert.

Rams and Terrell Owens: Getting Desperate Already?

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 16:50:07 +0000

According to ESPN, our, last in the league but first in your hearts, St. Louis Rams are interested in signing general dick-head wide receiver Terrell Owens.

The Rams asked Owens through his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, if he would consider a serious contract proposal, even though they are not considered a playoff contender. Rosenhaus told the team Owens would definitely consider it, sources said.

One source said the Rams have gotten very aggressive in their pursuit of Owens and it’s possible that Owens will sign with the Rams or Bengals within the next 48 to 72 hours.

As the Cardinals Play the Cubs, Lets Take a Look on Their Fans

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 19:00:27 +0000

Another Cubs vs Cardinals series starts this weekend and we felt that is was high time we take a look at a sampling of Cubs fans with a little help from our friends at OtherTeamsFans.com

Some of them are more attractive than others, but one this is for sure, they wouldn’t know what winning felt like if it landed on their face. Which it won’t. Because they like the Cubs and they never win. Get it? The Cubs never win. Ever. They’re horrible. Cardinals are good though. Not the Cubs.

Click through the jump to see the whole set of photos!

Cubs Epic Suckiness Finally Forces Lou Piniella to Retire

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 16:00:46 +0000

The Cubs are horrible even when they should be good, but managed to do what many teams haven’t been able to do: Take the fun out of the game for Lou Piniella, as “Sweet” Lou announced that this season will be his last as a major league manager, retiring after 18 years as a player and 22 as a manager.

“It’s been a wonderful experience,” he said. “There’s no way that I won’t cherish the memories here.”

The Cincinnati Red’s Transformation to the 2004 Cardinals is Nearly Complete

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 19:00:02 +0000

The Cincinnati Reds currently count quite a few former Cardinals on their staff, starting from the top with Walt Jockety, and following up with Scott Rolen, Russ Springer, Mike Lincoln, and now, possibly, Jason Isringhausen?

You think watching Ryan Franklin every night gives you a ulcer? Izzy’s back ya’ll!

Appearing on KFNS 590 The Fan with Doug Vaughn this morning, free agent reliever Jason Isringhausen said he has a tentative plan to audition for the Reds tomorrow.

Five Better Names for the Rams Mascot

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 14:30:16 +0000

“Hey, we know we suck so bad it hurts, but what if we let you rename our mascot! That help at all? …ok, well we’ve already printed the flyers so we’re doing this thing anyway.” – The St. Louis Rams

After 1,700 submissions the final round of voting has begun with your choices being (hold on to your hat now): Archie, Rammer, Rampage, Ramsey, and Rush.

The Urban Assault Ride Returns to St. Louis

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 17:00:45 +0000

The Urban Assault Ride is coming back to St. Louis on August 15th! If you’ve heard of it, I’m sure you’re excited and if you’ve never heard of it, this bearded gentleman on the right riding a big wheel should get you sufficiently up to speed.

The Urban Assault Ride™ is a truly unique cycling event…and quickly becoming one of the biggest in country! Here’s how it works: You and your teammate will set out on a city-wide quest for ‘checkpoints’ on your favorite two-wheeled steeds. At each checkpoint, you’ll drop your bikes and complete a funky/adventurous obstacle course, then remount your bikes and hit the streets for more.

The Reds’ First Baseman Joey Votto Hates the Cubs

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 12:00:57 +0000

If we lose Pujols after next season LeBron-style, we should totally go get the Reds’ Joey Votto to hold down first base. Not only can the guy hit (actually having a better season thus far than the Mang himself.) but he totally hates the Cubs. No not like “Oh you rascal! I hate you.” and then see them chatting it up on the field during BP, but like telling ESPN he hates them. That’s awesome.

Can Former Cardinal Mike Matheny Crash At Your Place?

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 12:00:59 +0000

Former Cardinal catcher and still crowd favorite Mike Matheny is catching something else these days: Heat from a lawsuit filed against him and a few others by the Business Bank of St. Louis. … Did you see what I did there with saying he was a catcher and then saying he was catching things still, but then at the last second I was all like “Nope, not a baseball like you thought. He’s catching a ‘heat’!” …which you didn’t seem coming. That my friends is the art writing. Awesome awesome writing.

Matt Holliday Doesn’t Get Out of First Round, but Nets Longest Jack

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 16:00:47 +0000

So no Home Run Derby title for our own Matt Holliday but all is not lost. He wasn’t one of those losers to get nothing over the wall…and he got more than one (well played Chris”Why Am I Here?” Young). In Matty H. just missed the cut to the next round by 2 jacks. Despite his early exit, at least Holliday can hang is hat on having the single longest bomb of the night at 497 feet.

Kurt Warner Tweets Like an 11 Year Old

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 16:00:44 +0000

OMG! Kurt Warner iz such a gr8 writer. Hs prose jst sEm 2 croS boundaries. LOL. JK. IDK. wutevA.

Here’s some examples:

Anybody out there no where my IPAD is? Bec, of the 8ppl in this house, of corse no 1 has seen it or played w it all day! Must b my imposter! #

Drove past car w/ sticker “boobs r power”, my life suddenly started 2 make sense & y I have always felt powerless! Darn it! #

The Cardinals Are Horrible

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 12:00:04 +0000

Its not just the bullpen, or the starting pitching, defense or hitting…its everything. The Cardinals suck. Oh we’re only a few games out of first, and we certainly aren’t the Pirates, but for the St. Louis Cardinals, they suck. With this much talent they should be running over people but they aren’t. Its not they don’t have the talent they thought…its just that they flat out aren’t playing well.

So a Crappy QB and a Hot Idiot Get Married…

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 17:00:07 +0000

Over the Independence Day weekend former Rams quarterback married notable opponent of independence (at least for some) Carrie Prejean…she is hot though. I mean, if you don’t count horse teeth, dark roots or pre-mature smile lines.

The onetime beauty queen turned same-sex marriage opponent had a wedding of her own Friday night, swapping vows with NFL stud Kyle Boller in a lavish ceremony in San Diego.

Danario Alexander’s Tweets are Like Poetry…Crazy Crazy Poetry

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 19:00:34 +0000

The Mizzou wide-reciever that had a career year in 2009 but was left undrafted last April has found another way to entertain us all that doesn’t involve touchdowns: Insane ramblings on his Twitter stream.

This is way better than watching a Mizzou game. Here are a few examples:

Hmm. Begging for line-sitters is something that NFL players can pull off maybe…

No Pujols in This Year’s Home Run Derby

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 12:00:16 +0000

St. Louis’ most like latino guy won’t be dropping any long balls in to the stands at this year’s Major League Baseball Home Run Derby in Anaheim, CA. Like Jim Edmonds before him, he felt that after participating before his power numbers declined in the second half of the season and he doesn’t want to do that again.

…probably something about the All-Star Game being in St. Louis last year had a little something to do with it as well.

What Do the Cardinals and George Brett Have in Common?

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 14:00:49 +0000

After getting killed 10-3 in the last game of the three-game set in Kansas City over the weekend, one could say the Cardinals officially crapped themselves in Kansas City.

That’s ok though. Kansas City Royals Hall of Famer George Brett says you’re good for one of those at least twice a year.

Editor’s Note: NSFW audio…by which I mean, just put on headphones. We’ll tell you if the boss is coming.

Bill O’Reilly Talks With Albert Pujols

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 19:00:50 +0000

In the photo below Bill O’Reilly chats with Albert Pujols about…

A. O’Reilly: “Excuse me senior, but how long does it take you to cut Busch Stadium’s lawn?” Pujols: “Ha ha ha…that’s funny. Now you die.”

B. Which of the two of them is more loved in St. Charles County.

C. Bill’s checking for Albert’s green card and asking him if its ok he came to this country to take the job of a hard-working american first-basemen like Steve Pearce of the Pirates.

Tony LaRussa’s Baseball Card

Thu, 17 Jun 2010 18:00:37 +0000

That is all.

He has elf ears.

Now that’s all.

Tony LaRussa Watches Step Brothers During Press Conference

Wed, 16 Jun 2010 15:00:25 +0000

Step Brothers? As in…

Two aimless middle-aged losers still living at home are forced against their will to become roommates when their parents get married.

See? (move your lookin’ balls right) Its true, though still unbelievable.

The only way to explain this is…well, there’s no way to explain this. Wait: weed.

There, we explained it.

Oh and Ron? It’s your face. And I, again, you know, you’re doing great, man. This is the Catalina Wine Mixer Cardinals Post Game Press Conference. We’re all having a great time. Everybody’s having fun. You pulled it off. Alright? But if you don’t change your face, I’m gonna change it for you.

Kansas City: Oh So Now You Have to Have a All-Star Game Too?

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 16:00:21 +0000

Kansas City, St. Louis’ little annoying sibling, just has to do everything we do. First we were like “It would be awesome if our football team was really terrible.” and then Kansas City thought that was awesome, so now the Chiefs suck, and now after our All-Star game last year Kansas City wants one of those too.

Commissioner Bud Selig will be in Kansas City on Wednesday to formally award the 2012 All-Star Game to the Royals and Kauffman Stadium. […] The announcement was delayed as details — such as available hotel rooms — were worked out.

Hey Aaron Miles! Got Any More Suck We Need to Carry In? Oh, Jeff Suppan’s Bringing the Rest? Great.

Fri, 11 Jun 2010 12:00:41 +0000

Oh man, we are so going to win the 2006 World Series again!

Jeff Suppan is coming back to the St. Louis Cardinals.

He will be joining the team in Phoenix and hopes to be active early next week.

Oh yeah, Jeff Suppan, we remember him. The guy that Fox Sports Midwest dated exclusively for the three years he was here last. Every stupid little piece before the games was either about Jeff Suppan or included Jeff Suppan as we followed him go do something hilarious, like doing a regular person’s job. Oh man, you’re a pitcher, you shouldn’t be working at Target! Hilarious!

Chrissy Pronger?: Chicago Takes Aim at Ex-Blue

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 12:00:22 +0000

We remember Chris Pronger, we just don’t remember him having such a great ass and set of gams! Rrrrrrrow!

That pull out poster appeared in the Chicago Tribune just after game 5 of the Stanley Cups finals. Some have called it tasteless, others have said “What the hell is hockey?”, but when asked directly, Pronger himself only had this to say: “I don’t read what you guys write. Good or bad.” That’s right! With a can like that Chrissy shouldn’t be wasting his time reading stuff, he should be out there shaking was the Tribune gave him!

The Cardinals Career Fair: Free With Ticket Purchase!

Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:00:46 +0000

The St. Louis Cardinals are excited to announce the 4th Annual Cardinals Career Fair will be held at Busch Stadium on Wednesday, June 30th, 2010 from 9 a.m. to 12p.m.

Organizations who have signed up to attend this year include: the St. Louis Cardinals, St. Louis Blues, Fox Sports Net Midwest, Enterprise Rent-A-Car, Country Financial, U.S. Bank, GKN Aerospace, Gateway Grizzles, Cash’s Scrap Metal & Iron, Laclede Gas Company, U.S. Cellular and Coca-Cola Enterprises.

Maybe the Rams Should Just Tell Isaac Bruce to Not Retire Right Now

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 19:00:42 +0000

The Rams traded for Isaac Bruce today. Don’t get excited, he won’t be playing.

The St. Louis Rams traded with the San Francisco 49ers to acquire Bruce, the team announced today. The Rams and Bruce will hold a news conference on Wednesday, June 9, at 12:30 p.m. in the Russell Training Center auditorium.

In his accomplished 16-year career, Bruce ranks fifth in the NFL with 1,024 career receptions, one of only six players in NFL history to have 1,000 career receptions. He ranks second in the NFL with 15,208 career receiving yards. His 91 career receiving touchdowns rank ninth in the league.

Don’t Worry About Pujols Becoming a Cub

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 12:00:43 +0000

By all accounts, Cardinals mega-star Albert Pujols is a really nice guy. So nice in fact that the fact he said anything bad about the Cubs’ stadium basically is the equivalent of us telling them that although old and quaint, their stadium is pretty overrated for a brick circle that makes me think more of a bull fighting right where the Cubs keep charging for that championship and whiffing each time than a baseball park. Then we’d like spit on the ground and do that thing to make them flinch and then call them a punk and walk away.

Aaron Miles Isn’t Good at Baseball

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 12:00:32 +0000

We took a moment in our busy schedule to take in a ball game last night and were reminded that though St. Louis may be considered baseball’s “best” town, that doesn’t really mean we know the most about baseball.

Imagine our fortune that we landed on the very game that Aaron Miles makes it back to the Cardinals, fresh from double-A Springfield. Pushing down poor Allen Craig who got to smell the sweet air of the Show just long enough to wonder if it was all just a dream. Sorry Allen. You have upside and we are all just about the imagined greatness of yet another little scrappy white guy in St. Louis. You’re best bet? Hack 6 inches off yourself, strike out a ton, and play horrible defense…oh, but run really hard when you do get a walk 4 times a year. We love that.

Athletica’s Financial Red Card: Women’s Soccer Team Flops

Fri, 28 May 2010 16:00:53 +0000

St. Louis’ professional women’s soccer team closed up shop seemingly out of nowhere Thursday.

English brothers Heemal and Sanjeev Vaid, the money men behind both teams, abruptly yanked their backing in recent weeks although contracted to fund the clubs through the 2011 season.

Athletica players were told Thursday that will be on their own as free agents effective June 1.

Be honest. How many of you reading this even knew this team existed? 40? 4? It doesn’t matter. It’s the United States, soccer teams fold. It’s just the way it is here. In fact you can always look to the league as a whole and see how their react to find out if this is really a big deal.

Mardy Gilyard Got Robbed

Wed, 19 May 2010 16:00:51 +0000

Newly drafted Rams wide receiver Mardy Gilyard got jacked.

“I am OK. Just upset, you know, more than anything,” Gilyard said Tuesday from his Northern Kentucky home. “It’s part of living in the city. I know from my experiences in the city when it warms up – as soon as it warms up – the grimy cats in the city come out. I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings as much as I should have been.”

Mayor Slay Gets in to the Sports Reporting Business

Mon, 17 May 2010 12:00:24 +0000

Last Wednesday our honorable Mayor Francis Slay, took to his blog and proceeded to, out of nowhere, dick-punch former Rams owner-in-waiting Shahid Khan by backing the “familiar face” of Stan Kroenke.

Two potential new majority owners have emerged. One is a familiar billionaire face [Stan Kroenke] with generally unknown, but demonstrably successful, views. The other [Shahid Khan] is an unfamiliar very, very rich face with widely known, but generally untested, views. I’d pick the tested billionaire owner.

Closing Out Your Week With Tony LaRussa’s Daughter Bianca

Fri, 14 May 2010 20:00:50 +0000

For a guy that only hit .199 for a 6 year major league career, he hit a home run on this one.

Not liking that one? Here’s three more:

Tony sure put his bat in the right place to make this hit!
Nothing pisses of Tony more than a pitcher going for his guys, but I’d still take my chances going high and tight to her.
Tony LaRussa has a hot daughter. Baseball.

Wanna Book Ray Lankford? It’s Gonna Cost You $5,000

Wed, 12 May 2010 12:00:04 +0000

Ray Lankford, the ex-Cardinal outfielder, recently launched his new website all about his time with the Cardinals, his accomplishments and contact info to book him for corporate events and parties.

raylankford16.com is chock full of tidbits like,

Lankford hit more home runs at Busch Stadium (123) than any other player, and finished his career in his home ballpark with a pinch hit home run in his final major league at bat on October 3, 2004 .

Tony LaRussa is Going to Be on Whatever the Hell “Housecat Housecall” is

Tue, 11 May 2010 19:00:53 +0000

Tony LaRussa doesn’t like to lose. We’ve heard good friends will be in town to have a meal with the man, and if the Cardinals loose that night, he won’t go. That’s mean, but that’s Tony. He can be a hard-nosed competitive, and frankly, mean guy some times. Hell look at him go at STLToday sports writer Bernie Miklasz.

…and then he’ll go do something like this:

…and we love every second of these moments. We can’t get enough of stuff like this. I mean, how could you? Which is why we couldn’t have been happier to see that our friends at Cards Diaspora.com got their hands on new promo photos of LaRussa and family appearing on some show called Housecat Housecall which sounds just awful. I mean really really awful. Like watching Kirstie Alley eat spaghetti with her hands awful.

Mayor Slay Takes a Swing at the Kickball Issue

Fri, 07 May 2010 19:00:06 +0000

A couple of weeks ago we took a few shots at the people running and living near Tower Grove park that got together to give the boot to one of the kickball leagues.

Tower Grove park should not be caving to some stuck-up park adjacent people who just want to have a quiet weekend. You bought a house by a park! In the middle of a city! … Having a bunch of people hanging out in the city each weekend is exactly what this city needs morhttp://www.cincodemayostl.com/indexTop.jpge of! Of course some of those people will be dipshits. It happens when you get any group of people around that size, but it’s not worth shooting your neighborhood in the foot just because some asshole puked on your flowers once. Last time we checked, there were plenty of drunken assholes at Cardinal games, but no one’s saying we should move those out to the county so they don’t ruin anyone’s weekend.

Inbev Makes Bud Light Official NFL Beer Sponsor

Fri, 07 May 2010 16:00:58 +0000

Sick of those stupid Miller and Coors commericals that plays constantly during the NFL season, mercilessly beating the hell out of a once semi-humorus premise.

Well you have one more season to get through.

Anheuser-Busch’s flagship brand Bud Light will be the official beer sponsor of the National Football League, edging out rival MillerCoors, which said Tuesday it wouldn’t renew its deal.

Anheuser-Busch’s six-year deal, which begins in the 2011 season, is worth more than $1 billion, a person close to the league said Tuesday.

Did Cubs’ 2B Jeff Baker Light His Farts and Burn His Ass?

Fri, 07 May 2010 12:00:03 +0000

Jeff Baker, bench infielder for the Cubs hasn’t played in a while and people started to wonder why. Wanna guess why?

A. Could it be because he doesn’t hit lefties well?

B. He has been out because he burned his ass while trying to light his farts.

C. He just isn’t very good.

The rumor mill has it’s B.

From the comments on a popular Cubs blog:

Who Has Two Thumbs and Can Get on Jim Rome’s Show Whenever He Wants? Joe Mather

Tue, 04 May 2010 19:00:46 +0000

Check out the video below pulled from Fox Sports Midwest of an excited Joe Mather ruining improving what would normally be a boring Jim Rome interview with Adam Wainwright. Mather ran up from the Cardinals clubhouse to repeatedly run behind Wainwright who really tried his best to keep his composure.

At the rate shown in the video, if that interview would have gone on a segment longer, there’s no doubt Mather would have eventually shown his junk to all seven of Jim Rome’s television viewers.

Major League Baseball Muffles Cards Beat Writer Leach on Twitter

Fri, 30 Apr 2010 17:00:25 +0000

Word is out that Major League Baseball has told their employed beat writers, who write for the MLB.com sub-sites for each time, must refrain from “tweeting” about anything other than baseball from here on out. These new restrictions hit home for local stlcardinals.com writer Matt Leach who’s widely followed Twitter account gets lots of use throughout the day.

Aaron Gleeman reporting for NBCsports.com

Multiple sources have confirmed to me that Major League Baseball is cracking down on Twitter usage, ordering MLB.com writers to cease tweeting about all non-baseball topics and scolding players for their Twitter usage in general.

With LaRussa Clearly in Charge, the Cardinals Bring Back Aaron Miles

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 12:00:56 +0000

Sweat mother of god, what is this team’s fascination with Aaron Miles?!

The Cardinals toyed with the idea of bringing Aaron Miles back to the fold earlier this season but couldn’t find a way to wedge the utility infielder into the organization.

That changed with Felipe Lopez’s right elbow injury.

With Lopez on the 15-day disabled list with a strained ligament, the Cardinals signed Miles to a minor-league deal. Miles isn’t earmarked for the majors or even pegged to replace Lopez. But the Cardinals have found him playing time.

Even the President Takes Shots at the Cubs

Wed, 28 Apr 2010 16:00:31 +0000

Last season’s World Series Champions the New York Yankees visited the White House the other day to do the photo-op thing and mingle with President Obama.

Obama, quite the sports fan himself, couldn’t help himself from taking a shot at the woeful Cubs while standing with the winningest organization of them all.

“It’s been nine years since your last title, which must have felt like an eternity for Yankees fans,” Obama said. “I think other teams would be just fine with a spell like that — the Cubs, for example.

Science Proves That the Rams Made a Good Pick in the Fourth Round

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 19:00:37 +0000

Maybe you thought the Rams should have picked a wide receiver earlier in the draft to give St. Louis’ newest leading man, Sam Bradford a target for his first year in the bigs, but ESPN’s Sports Science is here to tell you that the Rams did just fine getting a wide receiver in the fourth round with Mardy Gilyard from the University of Cincinnati.

In this clip from earlier this year, the white guy with that same hair cut every TV host not named Regis has walks you through why Mardy (yup, with a d) is no slouch.

Brad Penny Has a Perfectly Square Head

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 16:00:45 +0000

Look at that picture of St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Brad Penny. That is one square head and neck combo is it not?

Is that attractive? Do girls like heads that look like a tree stump with ears glued on the side? Is this what you want? Eliza Dushku, Alyssa Milano, and whoever the hell this chick is apparently all think so as Penny has dipped in to each of their pine tar at one point or another.

Welcome to St. Louis Sam Bradford

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:00:57 +0000

“I can’t wait to get to St. Louis.” — Sam Bradford on ESPN

With the first pick of the NFL amateur draft, the Rams took the quarterback from Oklahoma Sam Bradford. This is the new face of the Rams franchise.

“You have no idea how excited I am just to have the opportunity to come to St. Louis and play my NFL career there,” Bradford said in a conference call. “It’s just a blessing and I can’t wait to get there and get to work.”

If You Can Kick a Ball, You Can Get Kicked Out of Tower Grove Park

Thu, 22 Apr 2010 12:00:15 +0000

We’re pretty much the last ones to this party, but one of the Kickball Leagues (the one on the Magnolia side) has been asked to leave Tower Grove Park and play somewhere else after reports of abusive language, public urination, nudity, and disrespect for park rangers, which by the way describes all of St. Louis.

Tower Grove Park Director John Karel said the park tried to accommodate the league’s penchant for lewd behavior and alcohol consumption, but had reached a breaking point.

Glenn Close Throws out First Pitch

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 19:00:45 +0000

Award winning actress Glenn Close was in town on Saturday to throw out the first pitch at the Mets v Cardinals tilt. Close was in town to raise funds and awareness about not making fun of crazy people I.

Cardinals Played a Lot of Baseball Saturday Night

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 12:00:22 +0000

Total Game Time: 6 hours 53 minutes

Players Used: 46

At Bats: 158

Pitches: 652

Walks: 19

Strikes Outs: 35

Retarded Tony LaRussa Moves: At least 3.

The players found it exciting, the fans found it boring and Tony LaRussa found those pot brownies the Brendan Ryan was saving until after the game.

“That’s the fist time I’ve been part of something like that,” said first baseman Albert Pujols. “That was pretty special right there.”

Found on Opening Day: The Greatest Shirsey Ever!

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 16:00:27 +0000

Tip of the cap to CardsDiaspora.com for finding this gem at opening day and sharing via Twitter:

Good for him to show restraint and not go with the cut-off sleeves or the tufts of back hair coming out the top. Sometimes style, even at Cardinal games, isn’t about what you did, but what you didn’t do.

Maybe he could have gone for a shredded bottom of the shirt look though, but only because that’s flattering on everyone.

Stan Kroenke Was All Like POW and Khan Was All Like WHAT?! Over Last Minute Rams Bid

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 12:00:34 +0000

In a move that can be describe no other way than “utter badassery” current minority owner of the Rams and owner of the Denver Nuggets, Colorado Avalanche and some “Futbol” team you don’t care about, decided at the last possible second that “Yup, totally buying the Rams too.”

“We are pleased to announce that we have exercised our right to purchase the remaining interest in the St. Louis Rams football team under the terms of our Partnership Agreement,” Kroenke said in a statement. “We have enjoyed our involvement in the National Football League since our original expansion efforts beginning in 1993 and our subsequent 15-year partnership with the Rams.

Barry Bonds is Proud of Mark McGwire

Mon, 12 Apr 2010 19:00:36 +0000

Nothing like two guys that aided in butt-raping the sport of baseball catching up and spreading good cheer via the press.

Barry showed some McGwire love when he (finally) showed up to the 2000 Giants team reunion:

“I have a really good friendship with Mark McGwire. I’m proud of him,” the 45-year-old Bonds, back in the Bay Area for a reunion at AT&T Park of the Giants’ 2000 NL West champion team, said when asked what he thought of McGwire’s January admission. “We’ve had a great relationship throughout our entire lives and throughout our career. I’m proud of what he did. I’m happy for him.”

Who Says Opening Day isn’t Sexy?!

Mon, 12 Apr 2010 15:09:23 +0000

Sent in from a city Quiktrip this morning as proof that we truly are the best and sexiest fans in baseball. Also, if you are going downtown, watch out for the lion that’s running loose. Clearly he nearly killed this…woman?

We Help the Rams Pick Next Season’s Slogan

Fri, 09 Apr 2010 12:00:41 +0000

The other day while driving though the city, dodging the commercials on the radio we caught a tidbit on 101 ESPN about the Rams. According to Brian Stull, the Rams coach Steve Spangnolo has created the new 2010-2011 season team motto! No one knows what it is yet, and “Stully” can’t wait to find out if it’s better than last year’s: “53 as 1”

If this is the news Stully is waiting for this Rams offseason, we don’t have a lot of faith in the new season. Its pretty clear to us that Coach Spags should be spending his time, well coaching! Creating little gimmicky saying that really don’t mean shit is more our line of work, and if “53 as 1” is all Coach could think of last year, its clear this should be someone else’s job. So we’re chipping in a helping Spags with a few suggestions of our own.

Top 5 Best and Worst Cardinals 2010 Promotions

Thu, 08 Apr 2010 12:00:48 +0000

Every year professional sporting teams hand out those “Promotional Schedules” to everyone with a free hand as if to say “Thanks for spending all this money on us. Checkout this list of cheap crap we will give you if you spend more money with us on a specific day.”

We thought it would be fun to take a peak at the St. Louis Cardinals promo schedule and break it down for our sexy sexy readers.

It’s Time You Got To Know Sam Bradford

Tue, 06 Apr 2010 19:00:31 +0000

It’s happening. All the signs are there. After the Rams signed only AJ Feeley, and the Redskins trading for McNabb, and yesterday’s news that Marc Bulger has been released, its clear the Rams are going to draft Sam Bradford in a few weeks with the #1 pick in the NFL draft.

Here are a few things to get you started in getting to know St. Louis’ soon-to-be poster child of rich athletes.

Cardinals on Pace for 162 Wins!

Tue, 06 Apr 2010 12:00:24 +0000

The 2k10 baseball season started today in Cincinnati for the St. Louis Cardinals. After beating the Reds today 11 to 6, they are on pace for an astounding 162 wins! Which should be just enough to win the central division. *fingers crossed*

Not only that but…

Albert Pujols, with his two homeruns, is on pace for about 324 home runs.

Yadier Molina is on pace for only 162, but all of them are grand slams.

Play Like a Cardinal Commercials 2k10

Wed, 31 Mar 2010 12:00:22 +0000

Baseball is nearly upon us and that means new Cardinal commercials. We have done our homework and watched each and every one, linked them below, and have a few quick facts as well.

We don’t know why exactly the Cardinals need commercials, but we’re glad they still make them.
Ok, so you don’t put in the newly acquired Matt Holiday, but you do put in Fredbird. Twice. Update: We stand corrected. There is a Holiday spot, but its not funny and thus we don’t think it counts.

South Park Weighs in On the Ram’s Signing of Quarterback A.J. Feeley

Tue, 30 Mar 2010 19:00:31 +0000

We ran across this the other day and just had to share…

Joe Buck’s Show Got Cancelled

Tue, 30 Mar 2010 16:00:33 +0000

St. Louis’ own sports talkin’ prodigy Joe Buck’s HBO show has been cancelled, which is quite a statement if you can’t even get people that pay for the privilege to get the network to watch your show.

Buck’s show kind of got rating when Artie Lange of the Howard Stern Show and Dirty Work (the greatest movie ever made) made the first episode about as awkward as walking in on your mom going at it with some guy you went to high school with…and then Artie Lange comes in.

St. Louis Roller Derby Scene Gets First All-Dude Team

Mon, 29 Mar 2010 12:00:16 +0000

We aren’t sure if this is the first truly “all-male” roller derby team, or if it’s simply the first team to not bother to tuck it back, but its making news all the same.

St. Louis now sports two roller derby teams, one of women, the famed Arch Rivals, and now the GateKeepers. Oh and in case you slipped and fell, hitting your head in your shower this morning…15 times, the GateKeepers coach wants to explain to you what the team name came from.

Pujols Likes Milk, Well We Think That’s Milk…Of Course it is. Why Wouldn’t It Be?

Thu, 25 Mar 2010 16:00:21 +0000

Albert “Stop Calling My El Hombre” Pujols finally got on a Got Milk ad. Apparently being the best player in a major sport doesn’t qualify you ahead of a bunch of crappy musicians, actors and a guy that beat the hell out of his girlfriend. In fact we here are loving the irony of how bad ass Pujols’ Got Milk ad is in comparison to Chris Brown’s…ahem…less bad ass ad.

Another thing we are wondering, did they do the whole “Pujols’ eyes follow you where ever you go” thing on purpose to intimidate me in to drinking milk? It’s totally working. Just saying.

Cardinals Have Internal Discussions About Trading Brendan Ryan for Alex Rodriguez

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:00:21 +0000

According to our sources the St. Louis Cardinals have had internal discussions about trading injured so-so shortstop Brendan Ryan to the New York Yankees for All-Star third baseman Alex Rodriguez.

It is not clear whether the Cardinals have brought this idea to the attention of the Yankees. Even if the Yankees were actually to consider this offer it might be a difficult to one to work out as A-Rod is a good contributor and has recently bonded with the New York fans after reclaiming the World Series title in 2009.

Is the Bang Bus Coming to Town? No. Just Basketball Fans

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 12:00:31 +0000

March has been here a while, but only after last Sunday did college basketball fans really start to feel like its here as the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament is about to begin. This is especially true for our little town as once again we get to host a large chunk of said tournament and according to one CBS analyst, its going to be just like…the Bang Bus pornos?!

For those unfamiliar with the Bang Bus series, here is how Wikipedia describes it:

Phillies Want to Trade Ryan Howard for Pujols

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 12:00:50 +0000

Um, no.

That’s the rumor though according to an ESPN article. Internal discussions in the Phillies front office have centered on pitching a deal that would trade one team’s MVP first baseman for another.

The logic for a Howard for Pujols swap, as discussed within the Phillies’ organization, could fall along these lines: Pujols, 30 years old, is eligible for free agency after the 2011 season, and early conversations about a contract extension have not led to any long-term deal. The expectation within baseball is that Pujols may ask for a deal that would rival, in annual value, the record-setting 10-year, $275 million deal that Alex Rodriguez negotiated with the Yankees in fall 2007.

Joe Buck Probably Banging Someone New

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 13:00:08 +0000

…technically the word is that he is “taking a break” from his wife…but come on dudes. We all know what that means.

Jerry Burger took a break from talking about people no one gives a damn about and posing for photos like one of those 6 year old beauty pageant girls to actually break a story:

Sports broadcaster Joe Buck, 42, and his wife, Ann, are separated “They’re taking a break,” said Joe’s mom, Carol Buck. Buck, the son of the late legendary sportscaster Jack Buck, helms “Joe Buck Live” on HBO and continues his chores on FOX.

St. Louis Anagrams: Spring Training Edition

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 20:00:10 +0000

Here are more St. Louis anagrams, where where mix the letters up and find the results more than a little creepy!

Chris Carpenter……….Sphincter Racer

Yadier Molina……….I Nailed Mayor [Editor’s Note: Woah and ewwwww. There’s something you can’t un-see.]

Albert Pujols……….Jots Bull Rape

Skip Schumaker……….Kicks Ear Humps

David Freese……….If Reds Evade [Editor’s Note: I guess Dave’s riding the pine when the Reds come to town.]

El Hombre Doesn’t Understand How Nicknames Work

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 20:00:06 +0000

According to Bernie Miklasz, Pujols has told the media and the fans to stop calling him “El Hombre” because of possible disrespect to Cardinal great Stan Musial.

“I don’t want to be called that,” Pujols said. “There is one man that gets that respect, and that’s Stan Musial. He’s the Man. He’s the Man in St. Louis. And I know ‘El Hombre’ means ‘The Man’ in Spanish. But Stan is The Man. You can call me whatever else you want, but just don’t call me El Hombre.”

More State Senators Running Wild: McKenna Hates Mark McGwire

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:00:17 +0000

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with our state senators?! First they hate on poor defenseless nudie bars, then they try to strong arm the zoo, and now…well they are kicking a man while he’s down.

A Missouri state senator is trying to remove Mark McGwire’sname from a five mile stretch of Interstate 70 that runs through St. Louis. It’s the same lawmaker who pushed for the road to be renamed in honor of McGwire after his 1998 home run fueled season.

Wentzville Product Ross Detwiler Out for 3 Months

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 20:00:00 +0000

Wentzville High grad, 6th pick in the draft a few years ago and current Washington National’s starting pitcher Ross Detwiler is out for three months after undergoing surgery to repair torn right hip cartilage.

No word yet if the wound was self-inflicted when he realized he had to go back to Spring Training for the Nationals.

via ESPN

Marshall Faulk Should Be In Charge of the Rams

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:00:58 +0000

The Rams suck. You know it. We know it. The Rams themselves? Eh. Not so much.

Marshall Faulk knows it though. Faulk expressed his feelings in the Sporting News:

“[The Rams have] earned the No. 32 spot (the last spot in the league). It’s well-deserved. The Rams are more worried about firing their trainer and equipment manager than they are worried about the coaches responsible for the play on the field. That says a lot. When the first offseason move you make is to fire your trainer? Perfect.”

Bryan Burwell Wants to Remind You That You Are Horrible People

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 13:00:31 +0000

Bryan Burwell wants you to leave professional athletes alone! Why? Because you “fans” are all horrible people! …I mean not all of you, but enough that he feels its ok to blame us all for the bad ones.

I have to laugh when I listen to or read the voice of the outraged fan who now believes that he is entitled to more out of Woods than he has already given. Entitlement doesn’t look good on anyone, and the truth is, too many fans are just as guilty nowadays as the players they often scold for the same behavior.

Google Isn’t Kind to Tony and Albert

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 17:00:55 +0000

We’re starting to think Google, as a company, are Cubs fans:

Globe Democrat Steps in it Again: Howard Balzer Jumps the Gun

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 13:00:14 +0000

For the second time in the last few weeks the Globe Democrat, St. Louis’ newest (but also totally old) news source, has made themselves look a little silly.

First there was their public tiff with Post Dispatch sports columnist Bernie Miklasz that columnated in an “Why is everyone always picking on me?” post from their sports editor…you know because guys that did nothing wrong always have to explain themselves…

Then today, the very Globe Democrat reporter that came in second place to Miklasz in the “Who is buying the Rams” sweepstakes stepped in it again. Way to go annoying radio voice, and overly inflated talking head Howard Balzer!

The Rams Have Been Bought and the Hoosiers Are Pissed!

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 17:00:05 +0000

Lets face it. Hoosiers love football. Its not like Nascar where only hoosiers like it, but still…hoosiers love football.

Ya think any of these totally liberal and culturally understanding fellas were a tad taken aback by the impeding sale of the Rams to some guy that didn’t look like them?

Here’s a fun game! Go to the first post that broke the story on STLToday.com (here) and count the number of times some STLToday moderator had to remove someone’s comment for being “off topic.” That’s how many douche bag racist ass holes are in our midst! Fun huh?

Bernie vs Fox 2 and the Globe Democrat

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 15:40:24 +0000

Late last night the iconic St. Louis sports reporter, Bernie Miklasz broke the story that the Rams are to be purchased by a relatively late-comer to the Rams sweepstakes: Illinois businessman Shahid Khan.

Awesome! Big story! …however all was not right. As the racists came out of the woodwork to comment horrible things about the likely new Rams owner on the STLToday.com comments section, a Thursday war of words between the media was brewing.

Your World Champion 1926 Cardinals!

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 20:00:24 +0000

Found and posted by St. Louis Twitter-er Kopper –

Note the advertiser text at the bottom to receive your “handsome catalog of guns, traps and trapping supplies” by simply mailing a card to the St. Louis Fur Exchange Building.

Rams Backup QB Kyle Boller Married That Pretty Moron

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 13:00:02 +0000

Remember the second string Rams QB that came in for Marc Bulger this year and did about as good? No? Well do you remember that hot moron that mistook the Miss America pageant as Larry King Live and decided to tell the world that one dude and another dude shouldn’t get married because apparently that actually effect her in some way.

Matt Holliday Tweets

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 13:00:25 +0000

Its been confirmed through a few sources that it is in fact the Matt Holliday tweeting at twitter.com/mattholliday7.

Not only that, but after reading over his stream of “tweets” we can say Matt Holliday seems pretty cool. Below is a sampling of some of his best mind droppings.

Matt Holiday’s thoughts on…

Turkey Bacon:

not sure turkey bacon has earned the right to be called bacon, maybe breakfast turkey strips

Pujols No-Shows, Kansas City All Hurt and Whiney

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 13:00:36 +0000

You know that girlfriend you had in highschool that wasn’t bad at the time but looking back she was actually kinda chubs, but it doesn’t really matter because you were kinda chubs too, but in college you slimmed down and ended up with a pretty hot new girlfriend and you would always go home and see your old girlfriend because you are her were still cool and then one day she was like “Hey can you come to this thing?” and you were like, “I’ll try but I have to do this stuff for my hot wife.” and then you didn’t show because you had other important things to do and you were just really being nice by saying you would try, but then the old girlfriend was all like “You suck.” and you were all like “Umm, why are you so pissed?” and she was like “I don’t know why I ever liked you, you are a jerk…just kidding I love you.” and then you were like “You’re crazy” and then got mad and was all “Nevermind I hate you and I with I would have never done that thing you like with my thumbs, your right ear and that piece of salmon.” and then you’re like, “Ok, bye” and then she’s like “I’ve always loved you! Why did you leave me” and then you’re like “Um you had your chance” and then she’s like “You got me pregnant” so then you sent a dude over to abort that crap but then you realized that you last dated her 10 years ago so it would be less like abortion and more like child murder which was way more expensive so you call it off but it turns out that she was lying and just started dating your friend so then you are like “Stop calling me”?

Casey Mulligan Might Make it to the Show This Summer!

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 20:00:53 +0000

According to ESPN’s MLB prospect, and faking himself into thinking he is way more important than he is expert, Keith Law says St. Louis Cardinals prospect Casey Mulligan might be good enough to get to St. Louis this summer:

Relievers don’t usually make my top 100 unless they’re top-shelf, but ex-catcher Casey Mulligan and his plus changeup could sneak into the big leagues this year.

You might recognize the name Casey Mulligan. Since he’s not quite famous for his relief pitching just yet, you probably know him as the ballplayer that suddenly busted out a rendition of Thriller during a rain delay.

Kurt Warner Walks Away From the NFL

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 17:00:36 +0000

We’ve given Kurt Warner a hard time in the past and we still don’t fully understand the people that are so wrapped up in Warner-love that they seemingly forget about just how bad he was at the end of his Rams’ career. However, Kurt Warner is seemingly a great guy that has had a great career (though not hall of fame worthy) and made the rarely seen choice to end it on top. Sure he got rocked repeatedly and got whooped by the Saints, but Warner was a solid quarterback this year on a good team.

Kurt Warner Retires

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 21:48:15 +0000

Here’s the ESPN story.

We’ll talk about this on Monday.

Edmonds Signs With Brewers, Apparently Just Retired From Good Baseball Teams

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 16:00:20 +0000

Jim Edmonds got tired of waiting on the Cardinals to make him an offer so he did what the Jeff Suppan’s of the world have done before him: He signed with the knock-off Cardinals. Also known as the Brewers.

Outfielder Jim Edmonds has agreed to a minor-league deal with the Milwaukee Brewers, according to Associated Press.

The one-year deal was first reported by Ken Rosenthal of Foxsports.com

Steve Jackson Responds to Claims He Knocked Around a Knocked-Up Broad

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 13:00:44 +0000

Steven Jackson has responded to the heinous charges by his ex-girlfriend and mother of his son to TMZ:

The St. Louis Rams running back just released a statement to TMZ saying, “It’s disheartening that I have to address any alleged allegations 10 months later, but I have read the accusations made by Supriya Harris, and they are untrue.”

Jackson continued, “The accusations are especially hurtful because those who truly know me know that those actions would be out of character for me.”

Steven Jackson Accused of Beating Up Pregnant Girlfriend!

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 18:26:59 +0000

TMZ is reporting that there has been a claim filed in Las Vegas against the Rams All-Pro running back stating that during a 2009 argument…

“Steven became enraged and pushed me to the ground, repeatedly.”

“forcibly grabbed my arm and flung me against the door. I was crying and trying to protect my stomach from the blows, as I was 9 mos pregnant.”

Brad Penny’s Girlfriend is Straight Bangin’ Yo

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 13:00:42 +0000

I feel like we let you down. We were right on top of Matt Holliday’s wife, but we missed new Cardinal starting pitcher Brad Penny’s sexier half!

Luckily Cardinals Diaspora has it covered.

Wait, Brad Penny? The Pitcher?

I did a double take too, friends. But it’s true. And lucky for us he decided to take his babe to Turks & Caicos last week and have her play catch.

Wheaties Fuel Box Features Pujols

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 17:00:39 +0000

What do you do when you product now seems old and the kids these days with their iPods and internets don’t respond to your marketing? Make it extreme!

In this case, that means add a word that still technically means the same thing as eat but sounds awesome because generally its about cars.

Wheaties Fuel!

…oh and add Pujols to the box.

Former Cardinals Farmhand Stubby Clapp Carries Olympic Torch

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 19:00:11 +0000

There once was a man name Stubby Clapp you toiled away in the Cardinals minor league system, only briefly appearing in the majors in 2001. In 25 at-bats Clapp tallied 5 hits, 1 walk, 7 strike outs and 1 RBI giving him a .200 average. Nice. His fame in Memphis playing for the minor league Redbirds though knew no bounds and in fact his #10 is the only one ever to be retired by the team.

You Won’t Miss Rick Ankiel, He’ll Be Back Every June as a Royal

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 05:35:09 +0000

Rick Ankiel has come to an agreement to play with cross-state pseudo-baseball team the Royals. Soon Royals fall in love with Rick’s ability to hit the occasional beautiful home run and the breeze in center field he provides on most at-bats for those steamy summer night games.

Ankiel with make $3.25 million next year because he wasn’t very good last year and didn’t play that much.

Kurt Warner Gets Rocked, Should Remember Where He is Friday, then Promptly Retire

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 20:00:49 +0000

I don’t care if you don’t like football. If you missed Kurt Warner getting rocked on Saturday in his playoff loss to the Saints, then you missed one of the year’s biggest hits.

Let’s see…do I have video of this…oh! I sure do. Bam:

After being awaken from that blow Warner he apparently thought he was a spy for the Saints in the third quarter and then after being taken out in the fourth he briefly thought he was Ming Li, a Vietimese prostitute. It sounds weird, but I heard he really helped the team lift…ahem…their spirits after the tough loss.

Pujols is Proud of McGwire For Coming Out?!

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 13:00:26 +0000

Over the last weekend the national media descended on St. Louis for a chance to talk steroids with Tony LaRussa, Albert Pujols and of course Slightly-Less-Big Mac.

Pujols had some really nice supportive things to say about McGwire to the press, but we can’t shake this feeling that Pujols is a little confused about what Mark confessed too exactly…

Maybe not though. McGwire did seem pretty happy dancing with those “Single Ladies” in that video.

Video: Rams Fans Eating Turf at Last Game of Season

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:00:56 +0000

We already talked about this, but we found the video and just had to share.

Turns out after this incident occured the Rams said it was all on purpose! They claim the two fans signed up for something called the “Rams Quaterback Experience” which entails you getting badly hurt while an actual Rams offensive lineman watches.

Rick Ankiel Calls Super-Agent Scott Boras

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 13:00:01 +0000

[Ring! … Ring! … Ring!]

Scott Boras: Hello?

Rick Ankiel: Hey! How have you been?

SB: Uh, good. Who’s this?

RA: Ha! Yeah…so haven’t heard from you in a while.

SB: I know…I’ve been busy. Seriously, who is this?

RA: Rick! Rick Ankiel.

SB: Oh yeah! Sorry…you know…bad connection. How’s the old pitching arm kid?!

RA: Scott, remember? I’m an outfielder now.

SB: …oh yeah. Real shame about that.

We Feel Bad for the One Guy that Was Apparently Surprised by the Mark McGwire News

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 13:00:44 +0000

We here at Punching Kitty headquarters weren’t exactly surprised by Monday’s revelation that former home run champ and current St. Louis Cardinals batting coach Mark McGwire finally came clean, admitting that he did in fact take steroids during his career.

However we can’t say that about everyone.

One South County Cardinals fan apparently fell back against the wall clutching his chest while whispering “dios mio!” to himself like some old Latina woman. Then he got angry and proceeded to do what angry people do, they go to the internet.

McGwire to Everyone: “Oh THOSE Steroids! Yeah, I Took Those. Sorry.”

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 13:00:25 +0000

In a story about as shocking as the day Rosie ODonnell came out of the closet, today St. Louis Cardinals hitting coach and former home run champ Mark McGwire confessed he took steroids during his major league career, including 1998. Which of course is the year that JD Drew first played major league baseball…oh and he and some crazy black guy hit a bunch of home runs.

Does SLU Basketball Coach Rick Majerus Poop In Towels?

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 18:00:38 +0000

Deadspin posted a few lovely stories about our big fat basketball coach at St. Louis University, but one just stood out. Here’s an excerpt (emphasis mine):

“Rick was always a jerk to the managers. Every season he went out of his ways to never learn their names. They were only referred to as ‘manager’. One day, Rick was drawing up a scout in our team room about 2 hours before tipoff. Things were going well, considering he was fully dressed and we hadn’t been referred to as cunts yet. From the white board he started yelling ‘manager, manager, bring a towel over here!’.

Matt Holliday’s Wife: Not Bad.

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 20:00:12 +0000

He’s going to be around for 7 years, so we might as well dig in here and get to the real question: How’s Matt Holiday’s wife looking?

Verdict: Eh. Not bad.

Evidence:

<p>
 After meeting on a blind date in 1998 and getting engaged a year later, Matt and Leslee now have two boys age 5 and 2.
</p>

<p>
 She looks pretty cute.  She&#8217;s no Mrs. Heidi (Mark) DeRosa (<a href="http://punchingkitty.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/heidi-derosa2.jpg" target="_blank">ahem</a>), but not too shabby either.
</p>

<p>
 Approved!  Kick off  your shoes Mrs. H and make yourself at home!
</p>

<p>
 Of course Rolen was supposed to be around for a long time too.  How&#8217;d that end up again?
</p>

10 St. Louis Tips for the Hollidays

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 17:00:45 +0000

Dear Holliday family –

You’re not really new here per se, but I’m sure with Matt’s impending free agency you really didn’t want to spread out and settle in. After that big contract though, its time to spread out and learn about your new home! Don’t be fooled though. St. Louis can be a tricky and complicated place…

Allow us to help you with a set of 10 rules to live by.

Matt Holiday Signs: $17 Million a Year Seems Like a Lot For a Guy That Can’t Catch

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 13:00:11 +0000

The Cardinals have finally sealed the deal! It took a lot of dinners and getting their had slapped away from some boobs, but after a weekend of some heavy petting, the finally went all the way and got the deal done with the apple of their offseason’s eye, Matt Holiday.

Holliday announced the deal himself on ESPN Radio yesterday. (No, not the St. Louis version 101 ESPN, the national version. Bitch slap!)

Rams Injure Fans on Fan Appreciation Day

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 20:00:00 +0000

Only the Rams could start a new “Fan Appreciation Day” and in the process, injure two fans while going for stinky gear from a stinky team.

Two “fans” fell out of the stands on Sunday while reaching for shoes that were tossed in to the stands by Rams players.

One left strapped to a gurney, but apparently Coach Spags seemed to think both fans were not seriously hurt at the press conference. You know because they just use gurneys for things like scraped knees and boo-boos.

Rams Take First Place in Losing

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 13:00:33 +0000

Good news everyone! Because of their complete and total suckage, the Rams have managed to grab ahold of 2010’s #1 draft pick!

Oh yeah…they lost the game vs the 49ers though. Totally got killed.

But now we have the #1 pick in the next draft, which is huge, because we really haven’t done all that well with the #2 pick. Chris Long? Eh. We’ll see. Jason Smith? Ditto, though he was screwed up by the Rams bizarre choice to not play him right away and when they did, play him at a foreign position.

Pujols is the MVP of the Decade

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 13:00:38 +0000

According to ESPN’s Jayson Stark our very own Albert Pujols is baseball’s MVP of the decade! …duh.

After all, what didn’t Sir Albert do in this decade, outside of forgetting to get to the big leagues until 2001, neglecting to finish in the top four in the MVP voting once and never quite getting around to winning any Nobel Peace Prizes?

Photoshopping St. Louis: The Rams’ Problem Child

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 13:00:26 +0000

For your wayback-moment of the day, here’s the original.

Incognito Delivers Parting Shot to St. Louis

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 16:00:46 +0000

Those last three dumb-ass penalties that Rams Guard Richie Incognito earned in his last game as a Ram cost him $50,000 in fines. When asked about the fines today, Incognito had this to say:

“With the fine of 50 grand, I would have gladly paid more to get out of that situation in St. Louis,” Incognito said Sunday after the New England Patriots beat the Bills 17-10 in Ralph Wilson Stadium. “So I chalk it up to that.”

The Bills are Really Happy to See Richie Incognito

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 20:00:29 +0000

Kawika Mitchell plays for the Bills and when he heard that everyone’s favorite ex-Rams offensive linemen Richie Incognito signed with his team, he took to his Twitter account to tell the world about how happy he was to play with the man voted the “Dirtiest Player in the NFL”

He later recanted, because he basically had to after his team PR team crawled up his big ass.

No, No One Knows Who David Freese Is

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 13:00:53 +0000

Heard this from a reliable source close to the arresting officer that ended Cardinal 3rd baseman David Freese’s mobile kegger last weekend:

When Freese was stopped he pulled the “Do you know who I am?!” routine!

Seriously.

Here’s a note to all you “St. Louis Celebs,” when your ass is in the fryer, and you ask “Do you know who I am!?” its a douche move even if you are Albert Pujols, but its a whole crazy new level of douche to do it when you are basically a minor league third baseman that has had a cup of coffee in the bigs and his only real skill of power seemingly evaporate like that little bit of foam left in a keg cup.

Steven Jackson Loves Ernest Movies

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 20:00:37 +0000

We love it!

Rams running back Steven Jackson tweeted out his love for “Ernest Saves Christmas” while hanging out at teammate Mike Karney’s house last night:

The Rams Release Problem Child Richie Incognito

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 13:00:03 +0000

Yesterday afternoon, ole “Coach Spags” of our St. Louis Rams finally found what we all were hoping he would some day: His balls.

Finally after costing us a tons of penalty yards and being a general douche for pretty much the whole time he was here, the Rams cut Richie Incognito.

Let him have it Coach! Tell this punk he’s outa here!

Photoshopping St. Louis: The Cardinals’ Favorite Hangout

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 16:00:11 +0000

The one on the right is David Freese…just saying. He isn’t very famous and doesn’t have any distinctive facial hair.

Steven Jackson is Tired.

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:00:57 +0000

47-7

What could be called nothing other than a whoopin’, the Rams got dropped by the Titans yesterday. Once again we go to the only player that’s worth a damn on the Rams, Steve Jackson.

Steven, since being the only offensive weapon on the Rams all season, you’ve had pretty much every member of your opposition’s defense up your ass every Sunday, yet you are fighting through the pain and putting up amazing numbers. The real question is, after all that work, how does a kick in the jimmy like the Titan’s game make you feel?

Cardinals 3B, David Freese Arrested on DWI Charge

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 06:49:11 +0000

Joe Strauss is reporting on STLToday.com that Cardinals third basemen, and the current leader to be the starter there come spring has been arrested on a DWI charge in Maryland Heights

Cardinals third baseman David Freese was arrested in St. Louis County early Saturday morning on suspicion of driving while intoxicated, Maryland Heights police confirmed Sunday.

Maryland Heights police did not make available an incident report Sunday, but sources familiar with the case confirmed Freese was arrested in the early-morning hours.

Would You Want Mike Martz to Come Back to the Rams?

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:00:40 +0000

One of Punching Kitty’s favorite sports columnists, Bernie Miklasz, has a great article up on STLToday.com about former Rams coach and perennial news lightning rod Mike Martz. After stops in Detroit and San Francisco, Mad Mike is cooling his x and o’s marker as a TV analysts, but he clearly still yearns for a coaching job.

Martz, 58, hopes for a second chance at being a head coach, or even a coordinator, but recognizes the trends work against him. Owners have been hiring younger, less-expensive head coaches. And those young coaches don’t always want to bring in opinionated, high-profile coordinators.

Ballpark Village to Stay Equivalent of High School Parking Lot

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 17:00:17 +0000

A sweet softball field and a parking lot. That’s the awesome action going on next to Busch Stadium right now, and its here to stay for a little while.

Go St. Louis!

Don’t expect to see the Ballpark Village site humming with construction next summer. The site, which is now home to a softball field and parking lot, will almost certainly look the same during the 2010 baseball season, said Bill DeWitt III, president of the St. Louis Cardinals.

Steven Jackson is Pissed

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:00:20 +0000

Poor Steven Jackson. Its been a rough year already for the Rams running back, but this week in particular has been hard.

First the Rams seemingly regress and lose a winnable game to the woeful Seahawks. During which SJ39 had to set Seahawks rookie Aaron Curry straight. Don’t you step to SJ39! Don’t do it! …I’m warning you! …aw! …now you gone done it. Its on!

Shocker: Pujols Wins 3rd MVP

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:48:28 +0000

No surprise here.

Still worried about Holliday? Don’t. Worry about Pujols, the future $30 million dollar man.

Photo from ESPN.com

Carpenter’s Waxes Poetic About Wainwright

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 20:00:36 +0000

For a reasons we can’t figure out other than the fact that they keep firing people that make more than minimum wage over there, the Post Dispatch thought it wise to push the typewriter away from the experienced writers and in front of two guys that throw balls really really hard for a living. Cardinal pitchers Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright were asked to write why the other should win the National League Cy Young Award. The results were a resounding “eh” for Waino, but a deafening headslap for Carpenter.

Mayor Slay Institutes Draft to Restock Rams Roster

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:00:13 +0000

For immediate release:

Monday, after the Rams’ Wide Receiver Keenan Burton suffered a season-ending knee injury, Mayor Slay introduced the draft for all St. Louis men between the ages of 22 and 30. Men selected are to report immediately to Rams Park, put on the pads and play until they are hurt, at which point they can go back to their normal lives knowing that they have served their city in it’s time of need.

Richie Incognito Visits a Blood Drive

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:00:39 +0000

Here, in this photo from STLToday.com, we see Rams lineman Richie Incognito visiting blood donors today in Richmond Heights.

After this happy moment you see here, Richie told everyone there that just because they were giving blood they knew how to cheer for the Rams. Then he punched this lovely lady in the face and took off early. When asked for a comment, Coach Spagnolo said “he was just really ‘fired up’ for the blood drive and you have to do appearances with passion.”

When You Account for the Season, the Cardinals Aren’t All That Cheap

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:00:02 +0000

The whole point of this post over at subtraction.com by Khoi Vinh was to invalidate the “Yankees bought a championship!” argument, and although an interesting read, not really something that this blog gives a crap about. However, in the data he pulled something interesting did pop up that related to St. Louis and our National League Central champ Cardinals.

Vinh pulled the revenue each team made in 2008 and the payroll for the team in the 2009 season and compared the “investment rate” that the team operated on for the 2009 season along with their final record.

Brain Dump on Things Too Short to Be a Post

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 13:00:45 +0000

The Moonrise Hotel is great for the Loop, but horrible for Delmar. The street just can’t handle it. If one person heading east wants to turn in to the Moonrise it backs up traffic all the way through the Loop.
The Cardinals aren’t going to re-sign Matt Holliday. Deal with it.
Batman couldn’t really get around very well in St. Louis in his usual rooftop style. There are too many breaks in the buildings.
There are too many Thai restaurants in the Loop. Please eliminate three.
Dear 101 ESPN, you aren’t “the all new” anything any more. Please knock that crap off and spend the money for new bumpers.

The Rams Win the Slap Fight Between the Two NFL Sissies

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:00:59 +0000

Holy crap the Rams won a game!

Let me rephrase: Steve Jackson won a game. The rest of them stood around and took penalties for a few hours.

For those that missed the game, here’s a recap: There were tons of dropped balls and penalties and, well…here’s a clip from the game:

Of course there will be those that will spend all day today talking about this being a “turing point” and how this was when people took control, but lets cut the crap. They barely beat the other worst team in the league. Lets not go crazy on the turning point crap. Remember the last turing point when they beat the Cowboys last year? …oh yeah, that was the last time the Rams one won [Editor’s Note: Crap. FAILure is contagious apparently.].

The ESPN Mothership Turns on WXOS

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:00:28 +0000

Yesterday was a big St. Louis sporting news day! Tony LaRussa made his decision to return to manage the Cardinals for at least 2010 official and confirmed the rumor that Mark McGwire would be on board as the team’s new hitting coach!

This is a major local news story that broke through the bounds of St. Louis and got national coverage. Obviously the network synonymous with sports, ESPN, picked up and story and when they needed that local view they turned to the obvious radio station choice…KMOX?!?!

Tony LaRussa to Return as Cardinals Manager, to Bring McGwire With Him

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 13:00:28 +0000

According to the St. Louis Post Dispatch, long-time Cardinal skipper Tony LaRussa will return to the Cardinals for at least the 2010 season, which is pretty much what every one thought would happen. The Cardinals return next year with at least the best hitter in the game in Pujols and the tandem of Cy Young candidate pitchers in Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter, together that is a recipe most managers, especially Tony, just can’t pass up.

101 ESPN’s Randy Karraker to Buy Rams?

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:00:06 +0000

First off, let me do a little finger wagging at 101 ESPN for not including the mighty Punching Kitty on their press release list.

Secondly, here’s their new publicity stunt. Its so obviously as stunt we normally wouldn’t report on it, but we really like Randy Karraker around here, so what the hell…

Here’s the part the matters:

WXOS-FM’s Randy Karraker announced that he is stepping up to the plate in a bid to purchase the St. Louis Rams NFL franchise. Karraker made this announcement on the air this afternoon at 5:05pm on 101 ESPN.

The Rams Traded Someone

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:00:22 +0000

It was Wil Witherspoon. Its ok if you’ve never heard of him, and if thats the case you are totally not going to know the guy we got for him, Brandon Gibson, a rookie wide receiver from the Eagles.

Here’s your scouting report from the Rams. They are psyched.

“Brandon is a young receiver that we have followed since training camp,” Rams GM Billy Devaney said in a statement. “He has good size (6-0 and 210), good hands and had a very productive preseason. His familiarity with our offensive system should help his transition to our team.”

Bernie Finds a New Avenue For Rams Suckage

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:00:54 +0000

In his weekly “Bernie’s Bits” column in the Post Dispatch, St. Louis sports scribe Bernie Miklasz opened a six pack of word whoop ass on the Rams. I know, a sports writer taking the Rams to task isn’t surprising. They suck. Royal. Bernie wasn’t talking about their on-field performance though, he was talking about the odd way they treat the media and the fans.

Shut the Hell Up About Rush Limbaugh!

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:00:19 +0000

To: St. Louis

Subject: RE: Rush Limbaugh and the Rams

If he wants to buy to Rams with his money, who cares?

If you don’t like him, guess what? Doesn’t matter.

If you think he’s awesome…guess what? Doesn’t matter.

He’ll be a freaking minority owner, so really, calm the hell down.

That ownership team doesn’t have a chance as it stands right now anyway.

Please stop.

Also, I hear they kicked him out anyway.

Would Yadi Molina Skip an Autograph Event?

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 12:00:56 +0000

Steiner Sports Marketing think so and they Yadi’s little memory slip means he should pay them about $175,000. Which would be the $90,660 that they paid the Cardinals catcher to do the session and then another $84,340 for whatever.

Would our big eared Yadi skip out on an event he was already paid to do? Who knows, but we think a lawsuit like this is probably initiated because they have some pretty solid evidence.

There is a “Colby Rasmus Girl” Now?

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 19:00:35 +0000

[Editor’s Note: One more sports post today. Sorry non-sports fans, but I think at least this one will be entertaining to all of us that like to laugh at the stupid things people put on YouTube.]

Dammit Obama Girl and YouTube. Now every somewhat famous face gets its own “girl.” Don’t believe me? Even Cardinals center fielder Colby Rasmus has one apparently.

…oh and this one’s not super talented with the singing or the dancing. But hey, a crazy fan is a crazy fan right Colby?

Twitter Responds to the Cardinals Early Playoff Exit

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:00:10 +0000

F*ck You Dodger Fans

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:00:27 +0000

Our St. Louis tipsters have been sending us the link to this video over and over again this weekend, and it really is totally f*cked up. When you first start to watch it you may say, “Hey no mister! Don’t blast all Dodger fans for one asshole!” To that I say, keep watching…eventually the whole section shows its true colors: Dodger Dickhead Blue.

Warning: Mumbled NSFW language.

Hot Chick Owned in Bleacher Fight – Watch more Funny Videos

Cardinal Playoff Beards: NLDS

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 23:31:37 +0000

Watching the Cards game now and its looking like this just might be my last chance to post a few of the beard submissions.

Malfunction Causes Blues Fans to Be Thrown From Escalator, But Say They Still Prefer it Than Going to a Rams Game

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:00:24 +0000

Pretty much one of the worst St. Louis sporting nights I can ever remember.

The Cardinals lose in pretty much the worst way possible to go down 0-2 in the NLDS, right now Mizzou dropped their first game of the season, the Rams still have St. Louis in front of their name, and the Blues lost!

…oh and at the Blues game one of the escalators freaked out, spun up to four times the normal speed and launched four fans right off of it!

Oh Holliday…

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 12:00:30 +0000

…maybe its because he’s not sporting a beard. Just saying.

Photo Credit: STLToday

The Playoffs Start Today, So Get Your Playoff Beards Going Dudes!

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 16:30:52 +0000

Today marks the beginning of the major league baseball playoffs and the Cardinals are back in the mix since their 2006 world series winning campaign. Did you shave last night? Good. Now don’t do it again until the Cards are out of the playoffs, hopefully holding a sweet ass trophy. Its playoff beard time!

This time-honored, hockey invented tradition isn’t just for the crazy fans, the players get in to it too every year and I love it. Wainwright was rocking his P.B. right along with me when he froze Beltran with a 12 to 6 curve and back a long time ago we used to have this third baseman Scott Rolen who got injured (again) going in to the playoffs and when asked about his availability for the playoffs he dropped a quote that went something like

Dan Ceasar Weeps For the One Guy that Doesn’t Have Cable, a Friend or Knows Where a Bar Is

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 12:00:36 +0000

Its October, the MLB playoffs are here and the Cardinals are back in them since their World Series winner in 2006, but if you are the one Cardinal fan in St. Louis that doesn’t have cable, any friends or know where a bar is, you are out of luck!

Don’t worry though, St. Louis Post Dispatch sport media columnist, Dan Ceasar has your back!

God the Rams are Freaking Horrible

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 19:00:39 +0000

That’s it.

There’s no post.

They f*cking suck.

Blind Item: Infidelity and Baseball Played in the Snow?

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:00:36 +0000

Which Cardinal infielder switched positions and bed mates over the last year or two?

We hear that this player has had lots of fun off the diamond without his wife and apparently isn’t at all shy talking about it.

This same Cardinal also isn’t shy about the amount of time he and 2 of his young-ish Cardinal teammates play in the “snow”. Maybe all the testing is about ‘roids and not about the party drugs?

Mizzou Forgets How Cell Phones Work

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 12:00:33 +0000

So say you are an important guy in some respects and because of that, you have a lot of phone numbers and text messages on your phone. Now say you get a new phone, which all of us seem to do about once a month these days. Wouldn’t you make sure to clear out your old phone before getting rid of it? Of course you would, because you aren’t from 1977, you know what a cell phone is, and you aren’t a moron…or at least a big enough one to think that someone might take a peak in your important by proxy phone!

The Rams Continue the Suckfest

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 19:00:40 +0000

The Rams lost, again. They are now the team with the longest current losing streak since Detroit actually scraped one together against the Redskins. Its getting pretty nasty over at Rams Park for the new regime and Post Dispatch scribe Bernie Miklasz has the proof on his Twitter feed:

We Want A New Cheesy Cardinals Promo!

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:00:15 +0000

The Cardinals are officially in the playoffs again and after running across this promo from 1992 about 100 years of the Cardinals on YouTube, it got me thinking: Where are the new cheesy promos?! I want to see Pujols and Holiday “playing” the trumpet. I want to see Julio Lugo playing the kettle drums! …maybe Tony throw down some bad dance moves! Oh and one quick shot of Dave Duncan just standing there, arms folded, looking pissed.

Cardinals Willing to Make a Deal For Postseason Tickets

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 12:00:07 +0000

Good news Cardinals fans! Maybe you didn’t win the drawing for the chance to buy Cardinal playoff tickets, but like all good crooked business deals, there is a back door! That’s right, just grease that outstretched Cardinal wing and all of a sudden the tight grip on 2009 playoff tickets might just loosen a bit.

Here is what you got on your inbox if you didn’t “win” the chance to buy tickets and thus are right for the extorting:

Joe Buck Tells Everyone St. Louis is the Best Sports Town

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:00:54 +0000

In Joe Bucks new (?) “Buck Shot” online web short series, Buck, after his totally flat “I’m a national sports guy” world series winner call in 2006, has finally come out in favor of St. Louis on a national level!

Buck and his crew interview many St. Louis personalities, including not one, but two free 101 ESPN commercials for his friends over there (Read: Randy K.).

Here’s the clip:

Not bad. He couldn’t get Pujols though?

Kyle Turley Talks to Punching Kitty About Music and Brain Injuries

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 17:00:08 +0000

Kyle Turley was traded to the St. Louis Rams in March of 2003, which seemed to set in to motion a series of crazy crap for Turley: injuries, a battle with then head coach Mike Martz and then more injuries that resulted in him leaving the Rams and having a short stint with the cross-state Chiefs.

What’s Turley up to now though? Music. Country music. Good country music. [Editor’s Note: You have no idea how hard that was for us to write that!]

Rams Still Suck

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 16:00:07 +0000

In case you couldn’t hear through the buzz, the Rams still suck.

Jeff Gordon said it well on his blog post:

The Rams have a new upper management team and a new head coach. Most of their assistant coaches are new, too, as are roughly half the players on their opening roster.

But the Rams have the same old problems. The Rams started the 2009 season by making a slew of mental, physical and emotional mistakes on both sides of the ball.

Think Again If You Want Steve Jackson to Tweet After Games

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 19:00:58 +0000

The National Football League sucks. Not football mind you, just the league, or the governing bodies to be exact. You can’t celebrate in the end zone, you can play even though you’ve served your court mandated time in prison, and now you can’t tweet or blog before, during and after games.

From PR 2.0:

On Monday, the National Football League announced that it will now limit use of social media and networks during the season. Players, coaches, officials, personnel, third-party representatives, and even the media are prohibited from updating their status, blogging, or tweeting 90 minutes before a game until post-game interviews are completed.

More on Dave Duncan’s Sandy Vagina

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 12:00:35 +0000

Last week we broke the story that Cardinals pitching coach is a pussy, and now we get more information on the status of the amazing amounts of sand stuck in Dunc’s vagina from STLToday’s Joe Strauss.

A lot of this story is stuff we already knew and talked about in our last article, but Strauss does drop some new info like when Dave threw a hissy fit in the clubhouse after the Cardinals traded his son to the Boston Red Sox.

We Hate to Say it but Dave Duncan is Pretty Much a Pussy

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 12:00:02 +0000

It pains us, it really does, but as the evidence mounts, we have no choice but to stamp long-time Cardinals pitching coach with the dreaded “pussy” label and last we checked there’s still no crying in baseball.

Lets quickly recount the ways…

Its one thing to get pissed a little when people rag on your son, its another thing when your son is a major leaguer, and its a whole different thing when your son is a poor major leaguer and is still up here only because he’s clearly given leeway that other players that aren’t related to the pitching coach get.

St. Louis Slam Win Championship: Way to Go Dudes!

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 17:00:29 +0000

Congratulations to St. Louis’ own full contact women’s football team on winning their league championship!

The St. Louis SLAM women’s full contact football team are now the champions of the Women’s Football Alliance for the first time in team history after a 21-14 victory over the West Michigan Mayhem last Saturday. The undefeated SLAM traveled to Pan Am Stadium in New Orleans, LA, for a championship game showdown with the undefeated Mayhem, and they returned home to St. Louis with the championship trophy on board. The SLAM finished a perfect 8-0 in the 2009 regular season and made their run to the championship with wins over Las Vegas, Jacksonville, and finally West Michigan.

The Cards Come to Terms With Their #1 Pick

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 16:00:23 +0000

After trading away pretty much all of their top-end young talent in deals for Mark DeRosa and Matt Holiday, the Cardinals needed to sign #1 pick, and hard-throwing Texas right-hander Shelby Miller.

Miller suddenly becomes the number one best pitching prospect in the Cardinals farm system.

After initially asking for 4 million to sign, Miller and the Cards settled in on 2.875 Million. Still a lot of money, but a lot better for the Cards than 4 mill!

People Really Don’t Like KSDK’s Cardinal Games

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:00:00 +0000

It’s true, and we have to agree: The Sunday Cardinal games aired on KSDK (channel 5) are easily the worst out of the four broadcast entities that air Cardinals games. (The other three being, Fox, ESPN and of course Fox Sports Midwest)

A quick Twitter scan on the subject quickly returned thoughts like these:

I wouldn’t be upset if they moved all their games to cable like the Blues.

Its August, the Cubs Fans Are Starting to Get Restless (and Drunk)

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 19:00:53 +0000

Shane Victorino has had a pretty craptastic week. First he was ejected by the home plate up when he was in center field, and then he had to go to Chicago and when tracking a fly ball some douche dropped a beer on him.

First Bartman now this?! Jesus christ Cubs, can’t you do something about your fans?

Well So Much for All That Rolen Drama

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 18:00:56 +0000

According to MLB.com, Rolen is unlikely to see action during the upcoming Reds series versus the Cardinals this week.

Reds third baseman Scott Rolen will likely miss at least three more games due to the presence of post-concussion symptoms.

Following the team’s 5-2 win Sunday against the San Francisco Giants, head athletic trainer Mark Mann told reporters Rolen wouldn’t engage in any strenuous physical activity until his symptoms (including an inability to focus) subside.

How’s Rams Camp Going? Lets Ask Steven Jackson

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 20:00:14 +0000

The Rams have been bad horrible shittastic for way too long now, but people are feeling that the team is at least heading in the right direction starting this year. They got a new coach, beefed up their offensive line and put all the old guys on one of those busses that takes elderly people to Wal-Mart on Wednesdays.

Like most new coaches implement, the new Rams coach promised a tough training camp, and although we have just barely scratched the surface, we were wondering how it was going, so we turned to Steven Jackson, Rams running back’s Twitter account:

Is the Mayor Starting a Rams Riot?

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 17:00:57 +0000

A recent tweet from St. Louis Mayor, Francis Slay:

What exactly is he planning here? He didn’t say “BYO torches and pitchforks” and the city doesn’t have any money to provide us with some, so I’m guessing its not the old fashion lynch mob this sounds like it might have been.

Pause for betting time! What’s the over/under on worn out #13 Kurt Warner jersey doing a bad job of covering a hairy back at this little get together?

Yadi Gets the ESPN Magazine Cover

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 13:00:53 +0000

We love ourselves some Pujols out here and the world knows it, but from time to time its good to see someone else on the team to get a little of the spotlight. From our extensive research, we’ve found that if St. Louis had to pick a second favorite Cardinal, most would say the same guy: Yadier Molina

Guess who got the next cover of ESPN the magazine and is sporting a pretty bad-ass catcher pose?!

Mark Buehrle Does the Letterman Top 10

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 17:00:53 +0000

Maybe you didn’t hear, but St. Louis native Mark Buehrle pitched a perfect game the other day. You might have missed it, no one here talked about it much or mentioned he was from St. Louis. Anyway, when you do something good, eventually you get to go on Letterman and do the Top 10.

It was Mark Buehrle’s turn:

Not a horrible Top 10, but number 2 fell a little flat.

A Holliday Weekend in St. Louis

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 16:54:44 +0000

Just a few links on the news of the Cardinals trade for Matt Holiday:

MLBTradeRumors.com: Cardinals Acquire Matt Holliday

Cardinals Daspora: BREAKING: Matt Holliday Traded To Cardinals!

ESPN.com: Sources: Holliday deal is done

Viva El Birdos: Cardinals Acquire Matt Holliday in exchange for Brett Wallace, Clay Mortensen, Shane Peterson

MLBlogs: Cardinals Acquire Holliday

If I’m missing some, add it in the comments!

Cardinals + Creed + Awesome Effect = Videogasm

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 20:00:07 +0000

If you aren’t pumped about the Cardinals, you are gonna be after you want this!

What’s better than low-res photos of Cardinals cut together over a Creed song? Nothing. Well except for a half-and-half from Simone.

The question now becomes, is this guy going to recut this with Lugo in place of Duncan?

Chris Duncan: A Retrospective

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 15:00:05 +0000

Chris Duncan is now being packed in bubble-wrap and being shipped to Boston, who then won’t even open the package, but instead ship him to their AAA club in Pawtucket. Duncan’s tenure in St. Louis has been one the most rollercoaster-esque rides we have seen a player be on in a long time. The fans cheered, the fans grumbled, then cheered, then grumbled again, then cheered again, then booed, then went freaking crazy and then he was gone.

Has Chris Duncan Been Traded? Yes! (Updated x 4)

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 21:30:10 +0000

Update #4: Trade talk: MLBTradeRumors.com , STLToday.com, Boston Herald.com

Update #3: Trade back on! In a tweet from Bernie Miklasz: “Cardinals trade C. Duncan for J Lugo …. Cardinals won’t be responsible for Lugo’s big salary;” Viva El Birdos was right all along! Nice scoop guys!

Update #2: The optioning of Duncan has been further confirmed by Joe Strauss over Twitter and by insidestl.com

Update #1: Bernie Miklasz said on 101 ESPN at 11:49pm that Chris Duncan will be optioned to Memphis, saying all player moves are “internal” meaning Julio Lugo is not involved.

Pujols Hates the Riverfront Times

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 13:00:51 +0000

In the post “Don’t Blame Pujols: An Apology” on the Riverfront Time’s website, Tom Finkel tells the tale of their All Star Guide to St. Louis and how it ruffled the feathers of one big Dominican Cardinal:

Last Thursday afternoon I got a call from Brian Bartow, the St. Louis Cardinals’ director of media relations. Bartow said the team had seen and loved the_Riverfront Times Guide to All-Star Week_, a special supplement this paper had published the previous day — all except the part where we revealed the home addresses of some current and former Redbirds luminaries.

Apparently Musial is Overlooked in St. Louis Too

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 17:00:31 +0000

Easily the #1 complaint we have heard about the All Star game, well after the whole booing thing, was the fact that after spending weeks telling everyone that they would finally honor the man that is the invisible baseball great, Stan Musial, all the Cardinals did was wheel his old ass on there on a cart and let him hand a ball to the President.

Thats the same job we give little kids in weddings people.

Cardinals Fans Boo Cub Player, Everyone at Home Loses Their Mind

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:00:47 +0000

We all need to chill out on this “Greatest Fans” crap. Not because I don’t think its true, I think the average St. Louis Cardinals fan has got to be right up there in the argument to who is the best, most intelligent fans. No, I think we should cut the “Greatest Fans” thing because the weight of living up of that is apparently weighing on some so much that they have had the fun squeezed right out of them.

All Star 2009: The Obama First Pitch

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 03:55:19 +0000

No Matter How Many Animals You’ve Tortured, You Still Love Pujols

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 17:00:16 +0000

Sure you’ve tattooed devil horns, and a skeleton hand on your shaved skull, but at least you can appreciate good hitting.

Found this on Deadspin.

Watch the Home Run Derby Chatter on FriendFeed

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 02:22:09 +0000

The Home Run derby is long and you get sick of Chris Berman really quick, but its been a little easier to get through this year because we are watching everyone in the world talk about the home run derby in St. Louis in real time via FriendFeed.

Make your stuff show up here by using the #hrderby hashtag.

Your Celebrity Softball All Stars!

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 23:50:02 +0000

Picture via @BJRains

What the Hell is Vince Coleman Doing?

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 04:42:27 +0000

From the front page of stltoday.com’s sports section:

To the Post Dispatch: Is this really the best photo you could find of Vince Coleman for your update article Post Dispatch?

To Vince Coleman: Are those really the pants you think you should be wearing?

Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

If You Actually Got a Ticket to the All Star Game, Don’t Bring Anything

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:00:26 +0000

According to Matthew Leach, the MLB.com writer that covers the Cardinals, pretty much nothing will be allowed past the gates for the All Star game because of the Presidential first pitch.

Here are his tweets from earlier today:

Working on story on stadium/city/etc procedures for ASG week. One thing mentioned: for the game itself, it’s essentially TSA security. #

“If you can’t take it on the airplane, you’re not going to be allowed to bring it in the building that day. ” – Joe Abernathy, stadium ops. #

An Index: St. Louis Sports Stars on Twitter

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 21:00:17 +0000

With all this Tony LaRussa Twitter stuff it occured to me we should have an index of all the sports guys (and maybe some of the fake ones too, just for Tony) in one list so you can easily add them to your Twitter account.

Wait. You aren’t on Twitter? Watch this then.

We’ve made 3 categories: Press, Athletes, Fakes

Athletes:

Steven Jackson [Rams]

Tony LaRussa Bows to the Mighty Will of Twitter

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 18:00:06 +0000

#10 in your press guide, Tony LaRussa has decided to drop his lawsuit against Twitter over the fact someone made a fake Tony LaRussa Twitter account. No settlement, just Tony putting the bat on his shoulders and walking back in to the dugout.

From Law.com:

Tony La Russa, the famed baseball manager known for his charity work with injured pets, apparently knows when he has a dog on his hands.

Classic Steven Jackson: His 2002 College Crib

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 04:04:25 +0000

Steve Jackson couldn’t help but laugh at himself over seeing this old clip of him in his college years surface on Twitter:

In the video Steven, with then roommate Lawrence Turner, opines: “A lot of guys brag about their George Forman Grill, well I have the next best thing, a sandwich maker.”

You still using that sandwich maker Steven? Maybe on the bye week, I can come by and have some sandwiches? I’ll bring the bread.

We Don’t Get Fox’s All-Star Game Commercial

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 19:30:43 +0000

Have you seen the All-Star game commercials running on Fox yet? Here it is:

What did you think? I thought it was a bit odd. The Arch as a magnet? What?! I just don’t get it. Can anyone explain why they went this way with a whole world of other, less odd, choices were in front of them?

The one part that was pretty awesome was when Derek Jeter got “yanked” [Editor’s Note: Mental rimshot!] off the field, but Robinson Cano was left standing there like a douche. Way to be a good sport Cano!

Legends and Celebrity Softball Game Rosters Announced

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 17:30:32 +0000

On Sunday July 12th, the traditional softball game of All-Star week will take place in Busch Stadium and like every year the rosters will be filled out by retired baseball greats, various celebrities and Jimmy Kimmel.

The rosters were recently announced they are stocked with St. Louis affiliated personalities. Some names of note are:

Nelly (of course)
Chingy (I think he’s Nelly’s little brother.)
Carl Edwards (he’s a limo driver or something)
Billy Bob Thorton (Long time Cardinals fan and general douche bag.)
Bobby Knight (Long time Tony LaRussa buddy.)
Ozzie Smith (Duh)
Bruce Sutter (Also duh)
Dave Winfield (He’s in it every year. Seriously.)
Tommy John (Why not?)
Goose Gossage (He’s in these a lot too.)
Whitey Herzog (Duh)
Vince Coleman (Hopefully there won’t be any tarps on the field.)
Lee Smith (Duh)
and my personal favorite: Jenna Fisher, who as we all know, is a hot St. Louisan!

The plans are now that Punching Kitty will be crawling the crowd around the stadium on Sunday (we didn’t get tickets to the game sadly) taking some photos. If you see us, say hi!

ESPN Says the Rams Are the Worst Value In All of Sports

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 20:00:13 +0000

In the most recent issue of ESPN The Magazine (July 13, 2009) they released their annual Ultimate Standings where they grade all NBA, NFL and MLB teams in things like “Stadium Experience,” “Fan Relations,” and “Ownership.”

In the “Bang for the Buck” category, which is “wins over the past year per revenues directly from fans, adjusted for league schedules”, the Rams came in dead last, as in 122 out of 122. Well done guys.

The Chicago Tribune Writes A Guide to St. Louis

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 21:00:24 +0000

With the All-Star game in our fair city this year, there will be more out-of-towners roaming the cracked sidewalks of St. Louis than normal and every other baseball city will churn out a “Your Guide to St. Louis” post in the next week. The first one we found was from The Chicago Tribune: “St. Louis: Your guide to the All-Star city“

This is a great baseball town. Cardinal fans know to applaud for a sacrifice bunt, especially when laid down by their pitcher. They know not to applaud when the other team ties the score on a sacrifice fly, even though it means an out for the opponent. They dress in red as if it were the only color on the racks.

Chris Perez We Hardly Knew Ye

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:51:39 +0000

Last night the Cardinals acquired the guy every one knew they wanted, Mark DeRosa, from the Cleveland Indians in exchange for “close of the future” Chris Perez and the always infamous “Player to be Named Later” (aka PTBNL).

For quick bites of analysis, we turn to Punching Kitty favorite Bernie Miklasz (via Twitter):

Overall thoughts on the trade?

@miklasz: I’ve been a DeRosa advocate so I love the move. His bat, versatility, ability to hit LH and clubhouse class make this a good deal.

Post Dispatch Sports Finds Twitter

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 20:00:15 +0000

Yup, right there on the front page of STLToday’s Cardinals Sports page you find Derrick Goold of the PD and… twittering away while he follows around Cardinal players in the early beautiful Florida mornings.

For the record, we think this kind of stuff is great and we definitely like it as opposed to just having the one Twitter account that blasts out every story. Those types of Twitter accounts are great for blogs (like this one!) but for big sites and TV stations, its just a little too much…like drinking from a fire-hose. Having Goold actually on the other end sending out quick notes is a nice change of pace and something we can follow without having it take over our Twitter stream.

Cy Young Pitcher Enjoys a Little Fast Eddie’s Before Spring Training

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 02:40:37 +0000

We hear Cy Young winning pitcher and White Sox ace, Mark Buehrle, was over at Fast Eddie’s yesterday.

Buehrle is from the St. Louis area (he graduated from Francis Howell North) and his family still lives in town, so this is of little surprise, but its just nice to hear he gets back to the area in the offseason and partakes in some of the local favorites even after hitting the big time.

St. Louis’ Overbearing Christians Now Think Super Bowl Refs Hate Warner’s Faith

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 18:00:48 +0000

…I’m assuming.

I mean, its a safe bet right? Look at the history:

Kurt does well but then after repeated beatings from a crappy offensive line, he play and health deteriorates to a point that St. Louis is forced to go with Marc Bulger.
St. Louis’s Overbearing Christians think the Rams and the people that support their decision hate Kurt not for this shoddy play, but because people hate his faith.

St. Louis Loves Kurt Warner

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 20:00:50 +0000

Two things are clear from that graphic above: 1. My photoshop skills are l33t. 2. St. Louis’ collective love for Kurt Warner hasn’t been this high since…well since he took our football team to the Super Bowl.

But why do we collectively love this guy so much? If you have been around St. Louis for a while now you are saying “What?! Kurt Warner is like if Jesus knew karate! He’s just too amazing to understand!” Well, what if you are new to St. Louis, or you are a google searching putting up his feet on our little cyber dive-bar here for a quick drink in the desert that is the internet? Kurt left town 7 or 8 years ago people! Everyone could use a refresher course! So let PunchingKitty.com count the reasons…

The 2009 U.S. Chess Championship Comes to Saint Louis

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 14:00:22 +0000

Oh thats right ladies! St. Louis might not have Fleet Week, but this year we have The 2009 U.S. Chess Championship!

Two dozen of the nation’s best chess players will be invited to participate in the 2009 U.S. Chess Championship, which will be held at the new Chess Club and Scholastic Center of Saint Louis. The tournament, which dates back to 1845, will take place from May 7 through 17, 2009 and will offer a purse of more than $130,000 in prize money.

The Cubs Suck: Snow Version

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 16:37:35 +0000

Now with Update! (See below)

Yup, even in the offseason, the Cubs suck.

Via amyalcin on Twitter

Update! We got a hold of some higher-res versions suitable for printing and/or t-shirt making: