The Fort Zumwalt East Junior Varsity Football Team Needs to Take a Moment and Think About What They Did
Posted on October 31, 2012
| The Editor
Sorry for disappearing for a couple of days, but don’t go off and be a stripper just yet, daddy’s back. Give us a hug! (Hug your monitor. Don’t leave us hanging.)
High school is a weird place where the acne-addled hive-mind will occasionally decide something is cool despite that fact that no, it is not…actually it’s way past not cool, like 5 exits past not cool, and it’s getting a fountain soda at the gas station off of WTF Road.
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“Free” Bathroom Trash Sold on Craigslist for $150
Posted on October 25, 2012
| The Editor
St. Louis Craigslist, you never stop dropping little joy pellets. Little tiny joy turds, and just like turds, they are something to occasionally gawk and marvel at, but that’s about as close as you’re willing to get.
Take the recent example of someone giving away their bathroom trash. Let that sink in for a second. Now take another second to let the fact that this free bathroom trash they are giving away, is priced at $150.
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Are the St. Louis Zoo’s Halloween Decorations Racist?
Posted on October 17, 2012
| The Editor
The St. Louis Zoo put up their Halloween decorations a few days ago and man did they screw up. It turns out the Zoo outed itself as a secret racist organization! We knew it. It always seemed fishy that the black panthers were always in the crappy cage in the back corner, the one with a busted-ass car in it for some reason, but the white tiger had like the best cage ever right up front.
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Sometimes the Only Way to Win an Argument is to Throw Yourself From a Moving Car
Posted on October 3, 2012
| The Editor
An Illinois man threw himself from the passenger side of a moving car in the middle of an argument with his girlfriend the other day. She must have been really nagging the hell of out him! Right?! High five dudes! You know how broads are! Yeah! Whooo! *chest bump*
According to police, the man was having a verbal dispute with his girlfriend while the couple was driving down Route 4 just after 1 pm.
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Lets Save the North City Community Center You Guys!
Posted on September 18, 2012
| The Editor
There’s a $20 million dollar, taxpayer-funded community center in North St. Louis and no one’s using it. Why? At first we thought it was because it’s in North City and there’s probably some scary gang hanging out by the front door, which still might be true, but the actual reason is because the door is locked over political fighting between Mayor Slay and Alderman Antonio French.
Here’s the short version: French doesn’t want the rec center to open until his demands for a better deals for his residents are met, and the Mayor disagrees and doesn’t want to lose to “French” people.
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Best School Lunch Ever and All It Took Was a Bunch of Sewage
Posted on September 14, 2012
| The Editor
Kids at an East St. Louis school had the best school lunch ever Wednesday when the school was forced to order 100 pizzas when a sewer line backed up in the cafeteria.
Good for them for knowing the difference between the usual school lunch and actual sewage (the difference is a side of fries)
East St. Louis Senior High School assistant superintendent Beth Shepperd said someone working in the lunch room noticed raw sewage seeping into the food preparation area about 45 minutes before lunch time.
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A North St. Louis Woman Set Herself on Fire After a Gas Fight
Posted on September 11, 2012
| The Editor
“Whew! Glad we got our fight settled over that gas can. I should go change though because I have gas all over me in addition to all the booze I’ve been drinking…but first I need a light up a smoke. Oh shit. I’m totally on fire now.”
That’s a thing that happened. We ad-libbed the dialog.
Police tell News 4 the woman and the man she lives with in North St.
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As of Today, It’s Illegal to Yell in Missouri Churches
Posted on August 28, 2012
| The Editor
If you were thinking about going around to a bunch of churches today, opening those big front doors and shouting obscenities at the old people within, don’t bother. It’s illegal now.
One [Missouri’s Republican-controlled Legislature] measure makes it a misdemeanor to interrupt a “house of worship” with profane language, rude or indecent behavior or noise that breaks the solemnity of the service. Penalties could include up to six months in jail and a $500 fine.
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St. Louis Jail Sounds Like Movie Jail
Posted on August 20, 2012
| The Editor
According to a lawsuit and as reported by the Post Dispatch, guards in the St. Louis jail (aka “City Wordhouse”) have been making prisoners fight in “gladiator-style” matches. Which is kinda awesome, but wrong of course…because…it’s just…um…OMG tell us about it! Are there swords?!
Some inmates named in the suit were both victim and attacker, the suit claims. Lawyers for those inmates say guards sometimes used promises of special privileges, extra food and snacks to enlist an attacker.
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Collinsville School Bus Drops Off Kid At Wrong Stop, Leaves Him Wandering the Streets
Posted on August 14, 2012
| The Editor
A 5-year-old Collinsville boy was wandering around next to busy streets after being dropped off at the wrong stop by his bus driver after he was never supposed to be on the bus after school in the first place.
It’s probably the kid’s fault though. He washed off his “no bus” hand stamp and replaced it with “Side of the road with no adults around even though I’m 5.” Kid’s got some huge hands.
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