At some point Sunday you probably heard about Senate hopeful, current Representative Todd Akin‘s thoughts on rape and abortion while talking to enemy-of-the-site Charles Jaco on Fox2. It’s been kind of a big story:

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Mr. Akin said of pregnancies from rape. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

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A city ordinance gets shot down for 1st Amendment conflicts and now we have prostitutes running all over South St. Louis! Damn you currently office-holding politicians and especially the President!

“Street demonstrating was definitely a tool that we used against the prostitutes, because obviously if they’re on a sidewalk or in the street waving down potential johns, they’re inhibiting traffic,” said St. Louis Police Captain Dan Howard.

But police lost that tool when the courts ruled that the “demonstrating” ordinance infringed on free speech.

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Last night Todd Akin cruised to victory over John Brunner, and Sarah Steelman with a 6% lead (as of this writing) to grab the Republican nomination for Senate in November’s general election. Lots of people voted for Akin to give him the victory, but there’s one guy who’s vote mattered the most: God. God’s official Missouri residency seems to be a little hard to pin down, but it doesn’t matter to Akin who gave the first thanks to him in his victory speech…

St. Louis used to be the kind of place where some people would complain about how the streets were unsafe, but the government and the police would claim it’s not that bad, tell us how they’re working really hard, and show us all how it’s getting better.

That day is gone. Even the police, people who wear armor and have been trained to carry weapons, have decided they’d rather just not be out there.

Ring ring! Caller ID says “Time and Temperature”, which can only mean one thing: The heat wave is calling asking why we haven’t posted a picture of of our dashboard’s thermomater reading  yet. What else could it possibly be?

“This is Mike Carter for lieutenant governor, inviting you to MikeCarter.com.,” said the recorded message. “I’m a Ron Paul-style candidate. Check that out at MikeCarter.com. Paid for by MikeCarter.com. And you can opt out of any future calls at MikeCarter.com.”

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It’s safe to say that a pretty universal feeling shared by St. Louisans young and old is that once you are reminded that Union Station in fact still exists, you remember that it sucks and then start comparing amongst your friends how long it has been since you’ve been there.

Quick Quiz: Name three things in Union Station right now!

…we can’t tell you if you’re right because we don’t know either. Everyone will guess the Marriott, but after that things get hazy. Is the fudge place still there? There used to be a Hooters we think…Sbarro Pizza? Maybe? We also would have accepted “empty sadness” as an answer.

Alderman Scott Ogilvie thinks that we should pass a law in St. Louis barring gas stations from selling anything harder than beer because seeing little bottles of booze makes kids want to drink illegally, and makes adults want to drink and drive…beer is cool though because, maybe he likes beer or something and…dude…totally swearing right now…he drives better with a few beers in the system! For. Reals.

“This is the kind of thing that’s being sold right on the counter of many gas stations now,” Ogilvie said, “This is a pre-packaged jello [sic] shot.”

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Newsflash: Everyone was really really racist a while back. We know, you’re totally shocked. Who would have thought the residents of an area that was worked by slaves would be racist, but it’s true. Here’s the proof:

A viewer alerted News 4 of an old covenant in the Osage Hills neighborhood. After an investigation, it was revealed that a 1926 agreement between the original neighbors blocked certain races from occupying homes.

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Like most towns Pevely, Missouri is hard up for cash, but unlike most towns they’ve decided the best way to save some money is to take away a time tested, doctor approved health benefit: putting fluoride in the water.

Many communities add fluoride to the water system to help prevent tooth decay.

But Pevely says it just doesn’t have the money anymore.

“…so screw you Pevely teeth! It’s fine. No one’s going to notice your crappy teeth in southern Missouri, and it’s not like putting fluoride in the city’s water supply works really well or anything.”

You know how some times you get so “exhausted” that you speed in your car and then when the cops stop you, you try to out run them, and then when they catch you and try to fight and spit on them and your breath smells like you’ve been drinking?

Nathan Grellener, the “honorable” mayor of Valley Park knows!

Police said Grellene [sic] was driving in Highway 30 in Jefferson County when he was stopped by officers for speeding.

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