Capitalism and Politics on PUNCHING KITTY

The McCloskey's Look Like Huge Assholes

Mon, 29 Jun 2020 08:55:01 +0000

Hey everybody! Been a while. What’s going on?

Oh…ok, cool. So just like usual stuff then? Got it.

Video of Mark McCloskey and Patricia McCloskey pointing guns at protesters walking by their home in St. Louis, Missouri on June 28, went viral on Twitter. The married couple, who work together as personal injury trial lawyers, came out of their house armed on Sunday to prevent protesters from walking onto their property in the Forest Park area.

East St. Louis Video Taping Food Stamp Fights To Share With the World

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 13:00:51 +0000

Just remember: For every guy in an ironic t-shirt with think black glasses and a waxed mustache telling you how the world is changing for the better with every tweet about your “personal brand”, we’re also getting worse for every stupid ghetto fight over food stamps that gets posted to YouTube.

Don’t get us wrong, we love a good YouTube fight, but still…no one’s making the world a better place through social media with this shit.

Missouri Lawmaker Wants to Discourage Sex Offenders From Hiring Real Estate Agents

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 13:00:53 +0000

Missouri Representative Charlie Davis is thinking out loud about pushing a new law that would put pressure on any sex offenders trying to buy a home in Missouri, and the real estate agent that helps them.

Sex offenders “have the right to live in a community if they want to, but it’s also the right of the families to know if there is a member in their community that is a convicted sex offender against children so we can make sure our children are aware of it and it doesn’t happen to them,” said Davis, R-Webb City.

Missouri Representative Wants to Tax Violent Video Games, Remind Everyone We’re Retarded Out Here

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 13:00:10 +0000

Diane Franklin, the Missouri Representative from Camdenton, has made the news recently by calling for a 1% sales tax on all violent video games, which is timely not only because of our nation current gun violence debate but also because it’s been a few weeks since a public figure from Missouri stood up, opened their mouth and reminded everyone that Missouri has stupid public figures and to continue to make fun of us for being fat redneck retards.

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon Wants Your Stupid Kid to Be Smarter

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 13:00:31 +0000

Governor Jay Nixon knows that his state’s schools are lagging behind the rest of the country, which has an effect on the state’s economy as the stupid kids don’t tend to move as much, so he’s got a plan to fix it. It’s been budgeted, the schools are on board and it’s genius. Are you ready? Here it is: Missouri schools will now be required to extend their school year by six days!

Check Out the New Missouri Drivers License!

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 13:00:24 +0000

Take a look at your drivers license…yuck! So horrible. Time for a new design! Something a little uglier, harder to forge yet easier to steal, and with the Arch on it…you know important changes to us, the average citizen.

The license will have a new look and new security features including laser perforations and special printing that reacts to UV lights as well as overlapping data onto a ghost image in the lower right corner of the license.

Senator McCaskill: Taking on the FAA For You and Your iPad

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 17:00:04 +0000

Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill is totally sick of having to turn off her iPad in planes during take-off and landing. “Dammit, I just got to the good part!” Senator McCaskill would say, as she wraps up her headphones while angrily pausing Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection. “This is total bullshit! …oh great, and I forgot my magazine! Now I’m gonna have to read this Sky Mall like some kind of asshole. People will be all like ‘Hey, look that’s Claire McCaskill reading Sky Mall, I can’t believe she’s trying to train her cat to use the toilet when we should be fixing this country!’, like I need that right now! ” [Editor’s Note: We’ve never met Claire McCaskill, but we’re confident that our text-based impersonation of her is in the ballpark. Kinda just feels right.]

The New Menards Store in O’Fallon Ain’t Gonna Happen, Damn You Obama!

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 13:00:03 +0000

Got dang Obama! He took our Menards!

Seriously. The plans for a new O’Fallon, Missouri Menards store are kaput, and according to the Menards press release, you can thank President Obama for that. Clearly the President hates you, guy that already hatest him, and thinks you already have plenty of camouflage jackets. It was a big part of his campaign. We’re surprised you missed the “Jerry has too much camo, and that bright hunter orange looks horrible on him. We have to come together and stop Menards from getting to O’Fallon” commercial.

Oh Man the New New Northwest Plaza is Going to be Awesome! (JK, LOL!)

Mon, 12 Nov 2012 15:00:01 +0000

The stinky lump of empty sadness and RAZR cellphone case carts known as Northwest Plaza is set to be torn down Tuesday, and in it’s place will rise the next chapter in Northwest Plaza lore. It’s return to greatness! …which means what exactly? Oooh! Maybe it’s finally getting a Ms. Fields!

A home improvement store, restaurants, outdoor shopping, an education center and an officer tower are all expected to be added. Security is also expected to be ramped up, with cameras and bike patrols in place to deter crime.

Go Vote

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 16:14:38 +0000

You should go vote right now…unless you’re going to vote for the opposite of what we voted for. If that’s what you’re planning to do, then don’t…or wait, do vote, but did you hear about the change in voting where you have to write down who/what you want to vote for on…um…that napkin on your right…it’s on the floor…there it is. OK, write your stuff on there and then fold it up and turn it in to the nearest Arby’s. They’ll know what to do.

Tiny Fey Blasts Todd Akin

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 16:00:11 +0000

“If I have to listen to one more grey-faced man with a $2 haircut explain to me what rape is,” she warned, “I’m going to lose my mind!”

That was Saturday Night Live alum, current 30 Rock star, and not-so-secret-crush ours Tina Fey speaking Wednesday to the attendees of the Center for Reproductive Rights Inaugural Gala in New York.

Fey did specifically mention everyone’s favorite creepy retarded uncle and wanna be Missouri Senator Todd Akin…

Mayor Slay Proves He’s Horrible at Sports Betting

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 18:43:32 +0000

We kinda accidentally, sorta took a day off last night when we didn’t write anything. That’s OK though, because our friends at Joe Sports Fan picked us up and took care of the important stuff: Making fun of Mayor Slay.

Apparently Mayor Slay, in addition to the rest of the things he’s horrible at like “being a mayor”, is also horrible at making and going through with small pointless bets. Joe Sports Fan has the whole rundown, but in short: He won’t go to any trouble other than taking a picture of his TV when he loses, and won’t spring for better shipping when he actually wins the bet.

Springfield Pastor Gives Surprising Equality Speech

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 16:00:24 +0000

This clip was everywhere over the weekend, but it’s pretty great and happened in Springfield:

The clip shows a Springfield paster standing up at a city council meeting to discuss the city’s modification of the nondiscrimination ordinance to include sexual orientation and gender identity.

Don’t get too excited. It’s still Missouri, so this great speech didn’t matter because Springfield’s council “tabled” the bill because they are pussies.

Some Loose Sex-Loving TV Skank Endorsed Todd Akin

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 16:00:55 +0000

Todd Akin got a new endorsement the other day, but don’t worry about it. She doesn’t live in this state, and she’s just some reality TV show broad that can’t keep her legs closed.

Michelle Duggar plans to participate in a women-for-Akin event Tuesday in Springfield. The Duggar family is supposed to attend rallies with Akin later that day in Osage Beach and on Wednesday in Farmington and Poplar Bluff.

Did General Enyart Push Judge Cason and Not Apologize and Does Anyone Care?

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 12:00:51 +0000

Everyone in the metro east that isn’t actively bleeding or high is abuzz about the dust up between St. Clair County Associate Judge Laninya Carson and congressional hopeful General Bill Enyart. Carson is claiming that Enyart pushed her at the O’Fallon, IL homecoming parade to hand a flyer to the person she was trying to hand a flyer to and didn’t apologize. However Enyart says it was just an accidental contact and he did apologize, but won’t do it again.

Are the STLPD Using City Officers to Investigate Online Piracy Rather Than Our Local Violent Crime Issues?

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 12:00:18 +0000

Yes.

According to a report from Ars Technica, St. Louis has received a grant from the federal government with the goal of using city officers to investigate online piracy. Sure there are constant fire fights happening blocks from where your family sleeps, but somewhere there’s a 12-year-old downloading an illegal copy of “Madagascar 3” and that’s clearly a more important goal for our already thin police force.

In St. Louis, David Marzullo, a police spokesperson told Ars that the city would be using its grant money to form a “area task force consisting of federal, state, and local law enforcement agencies to share resources and increase enforcement of existing state and federal IP laws.”

Lewis Reed is Running For Mayor of St. Louis

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 12:00:37 +0000

Mayor Slay finally has competition in the Democratic primary (aka the only vote that matters for St. Louis City) for next years mayoral race: Lewis Reed, the president of the city’s Board of Aldermen.

Reed announced his candidacy today at Sqwires restaurant in Lafayette Square.

Reed termed Slay’s 12 years in office “divisive” and said he would embark on a “mission of change.”

Reed said his first priority would be public safety — specifically mentioning decreasing crime rates and increasing after school programs for kids.

Goodbye Police Chief Dan Isom

Tue, 02 Oct 2012 12:00:24 +0000

Well our Translatatron 329872394834 was right (as usual)! St. Louis Police Chief Dan Isom is indeed leaving his post to become a criminology professor at UMSL, which if you think about it this is all very Judge Dredd-esque, where the retiring cop has to now go and walk the horrible waste land and bring law to the lawless, which in this case is UMSL’s North City location.

Isom holds three degrees from UMSL, including a doctorate in criminology and criminal justice. Looking relaxed and happy, the Chief explained that he’s always had two driving passions — police work and teaching.

Translating STL Police Chief Dan Isom’s Denials About Leaving the Position

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 12:00:19 +0000

KMOX has a source that tells them St. Louis Police Chief Dan Isom might be mulling an opportunity to leave his glamorous post as the lead protector of the city and take a job teaching at the university level. We’re guessing he’d be teaching art because you don’t get to be St. Louis’ top cop without getting really good at tracing bodies in chalk.

A reporter for KMOX caught up to Chief Isom in an attempt to confirm the report, but he was met with an “artfully vague” response. Too bad for KMOX, they don’t have our Translate-o-Matron 39958490!

National Democrats Modify Romney Logo to Include Todd Akin

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 12:00:34 +0000

The Democratic National Committee has purchased newspaper ad space in a Tampa newspaper aimed at old people that still read the newspaper going to the Republican National Convention. At the bottom of the full page ad is the Mitt Romney / Paul Ryan logo, but with one notable update: They worked in Missouri Senate hopeful, and world-renown dumbass Todd “Dammit Stop Saying He’s From Missouri” Akin.

Here’s the regular Romney / Ryan logo:

Todd Akin is Legitimately Retarded

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 12:00:22 +0000

At some point Sunday you probably heard about Senate hopeful, current Representative Todd Akin‘s thoughts on rape and abortion while talking to enemy-of-the-site Charles Jaco on Fox2. It’s been kind of a big story:

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Mr. Akin said of pregnancies from rape. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

So Many Prostitutes!

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 12:00:55 +0000

A city ordinance gets shot down for 1st Amendment conflicts and now we have prostitutes running all over South St. Louis! Damn you currently office-holding politicians and especially the President!

“Street demonstrating was definitely a tool that we used against the prostitutes, because obviously if they’re on a sidewalk or in the street waving down potential johns, they’re inhibiting traffic,” said St. Louis Police Captain Dan Howard.

But police lost that tool when the courts ruled that the “demonstrating” ordinance infringed on free speech.

God Voted For Todd Akin, Claims Todd Akin

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 12:00:04 +0000

Last night Todd Akin cruised to victory over John Brunner, and Sarah Steelman with a 6% lead (as of this writing) to grab the Republican nomination for Senate in November’s general election. Lots of people voted for Akin to give him the victory, but there’s one guy who’s vote mattered the most: God. God’s official Missouri residency seems to be a little hard to pin down, but it doesn’t matter to Akin who gave the first thanks to him in his victory speech…

Even the Cops Don’t Want to Walk the Streets of St. Louis

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 14:30:35 +0000

St. Louis used to be the kind of place where some people would complain about how the streets were unsafe, but the government and the police would claim it’s not that bad, tell us how they’re working really hard, and show us all how it’s getting better.

That day is gone. Even the police, people who wear armor and have been trained to carry weapons, have decided they’d rather just not be out there.

No One Likes It When Mike Carter Calls Them

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 12:00:18 +0000

Ring ring! Caller ID says “Time and Temperature”, which can only mean one thing: The heat wave is calling asking why we haven’t posted a picture of of our dashboard’s thermomater reading yet. What else could it possibly be?

“This is Mike Carter for lieutenant governor, inviting you to MikeCarter.com.,” said the recorded message. “I’m a Ron Paul-style candidate. Check that out at MikeCarter.com. Paid for by MikeCarter.com. And you can opt out of any future calls at MikeCarter.com.”

Union Station To Be Sold; Might End Up a Water Park

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 12:00:26 +0000

It’s safe to say that a pretty universal feeling shared by St. Louisans young and old is that once you are reminded that Union Station in fact still exists, you remember that it sucks and then start comparing amongst your friends how long it has been since you’ve been there.

Quick Quiz: Name three things in Union Station right now!

…we can’t tell you if you’re right because we don’t know either. Everyone will guess the Marriott, but after that things get hazy. Is the fudge place still there? There used to be a Hooters we think…Sbarro Pizza? Maybe? We also would have accepted “empty sadness” as an answer.

Alderman Scott Ogilvie Doesn’t Like Gas Station Jell-O Shots

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 16:00:05 +0000

Alderman Scott Ogilvie thinks that we should pass a law in St. Louis barring gas stations from selling anything harder than beer because seeing little bottles of booze makes kids want to drink illegally, and makes adults want to drink and drive…beer is cool though because, maybe he likes beer or something and…dude…totally swearing right now…he drives better with a few beers in the system! For. Reals.

“This is the kind of thing that’s being sold right on the counter of many gas stations now,” Ogilvie said, “This is a pre-packaged jello [sic] shot.”

Kirkwood Was Totally Racist a Long Time Ago

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 12:00:55 +0000

Newsflash: Everyone was really really racist a while back. We know, you’re totally shocked. Who would have thought the residents of an area that was worked by slaves would be racist, but it’s true. Here’s the proof:

A viewer alerted News 4 of an old covenant in the Osage Hills neighborhood. After an investigation, it was revealed that a 1926 agreement between the original neighbors blocked certain races from occupying homes.

Pevely Missouri Doesn’t Give a Crap About Your Teeth

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 12:00:49 +0000

Like most towns Pevely, Missouri is hard up for cash, but unlike most towns they’ve decided the best way to save some money is to take away a time tested, doctor approved health benefit: putting fluoride in the water.

Many communities add fluoride to the water system to help prevent tooth decay.

But Pevely says it just doesn’t have the money anymore.

“…so screw you Pevely teeth! It’s fine. No one’s going to notice your crappy teeth in southern Missouri, and it’s not like putting fluoride in the city’s water supply works really well or anything.”

The Valley Park Mayor is So Exhausted He Argued, Ran and Spit on the Police

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 16:00:46 +0000

You know how some times you get so “exhausted” that you speed in your car and then when the cops stop you, you try to out run them, and then when they catch you and try to fight and spit on them and your breath smells like you’ve been drinking?

Nathan Grellener, the “honorable” mayor of Valley Park knows!

Police said Grellene [sic] was driving in Highway 30 in Jefferson County when he was stopped by officers for speeding.

KMOV Reporter Watches Grass Grow in O’Fallon

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 16:00:09 +0000

KMOV’s Brian Feldman, digging deep:

The current ordinance says on lots less than two acres, grass cannot exceed eight inches. But on some commercial lots, it may be getting longer than that.

The city council of O’Fallon is going to take a look at making the restrictions much tighter.

In our mind’s eye, Feldman did this interview while wearing one of those little brown fedoras with a press pass tucked in to the band while scribbling away on a little note pad. There weren’t any photos with the story, and we’d like to think that’s only because he forgot all his flash powder or that the his interviewee didn’t have 15 minutes to stand still for the photo to correctly develop.

Larry Rice Isn’t Going to Tell You Where He’s Planning on Stashing the Homeless

Thu, 24 May 2012 12:00:10 +0000

Larry Rice really likes it when all the homeless are in one place. He supported the now defunct “Hopeville” homeless camp, and just last week his new “Integrity Village” was quickly shut down by the city. Where will Larry try to herd homeless people to next? Ha, nice try! He’s not telling anyone this time!

“We’re taking this underground,” [Larry’s son Chris] Rice said, “We’re not going to tell you where we’re taking it. And it could be anywhere in the greater St. Louis area, where there’s access to transportation, water and electricity. And we’re not going to tell you.”

The Rush Limbaugh Bust in Jeff City Has It’s Own 24-Hour Surveillance Camera

Wed, 23 May 2012 12:00:55 +0000

Maybe you didn’t hear, but they actually did end up putting that Rush Limbaugh bust in the state capitol’s “Hall of Statues of Famous Missourians No One Comes to Visit Ever”. It was unveiled in a private, pretty much all Republican unveiling and it turns out it wasn’t just installed because his head was the perfect size to hide the button to open the secret entrance of the Batcave.

This was all huge news of course with all kind of people pissed off, but we just couldn’t get ourselves to give much of a crap with all the other real problems happening like crime, war, actual politics and that the my mailman is clearly throwing away all of the letters that Robin from “How I Met Your Mother” is sending me in reply to the lovely poems I send her attached with the week’s toenail clippings. This little note was interesting though:

St. Louis to Offer Parking Ticket Amnesty

Wed, 09 May 2012 16:00:26 +0000

This weekend, all unpaid St. Louis City parking tickets can be cleared by just paying the original ticket price, dropping all overdue fines that can reach as high as 300% per ticket.

“We’ve giving everyone an opportunity to wipe the slate clean,” Andres Broussard of the City Treasurer’s office said.

Drivers interested in the Amnesty program can come to the America’s Center May 11-12, or the Community Needs Expo. The hours are 9 a.m. – 5 p.m. Friday and 9 a.m. – 2 p.m. Saturday. Drivers will be presented a voucher. The voucher can be paid online, or in person at the Traffic Violations Bureau downtown. The tickets must be paid before Sunday, May 13, Broussard said.

Missouri Representative Zach Wyatt Comes Out to Fight Anti-Gay Bill

Thu, 03 May 2012 12:00:57 +0000

Today, during a press conference in which he read a prepared statement to a small group, Missouri Representative Zach Wyatt, a Republican, publicly came out while opposing the “Don’t Say Gay Bill“. This news is a bit of a surprise as Wyatt now stands as the lone gay Republican currently in office, but it’s no surprise to anyone that had visited Wyatt’s Wikipedia page:

An orange dress shirt? No straight man would dare buy or wear that unless it was in puffy hunting vest form. We’re not saying he’s not pulling it off, we’re just saying…you know…kinda obvious.

Missouri Wants to Ban “Gay” Talk From Schools

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 12:00:06 +0000

Oh Missouri state lawmakers do try hard to make us all look like backwater retards don’t they?

A bill currently up for debate in the Missouri House of Representatives would prohibit teachers in public schools from discussing sexual orientation.

The “Don’t Say Gay” legislation is sponsored by several Republicans who contend there is no place of discussion about sexual orientation in public schools.

Is this needed? Was there really all that much talk of sexual orientation in the first place? And lets be honest, the old fat white guys aren’t worried about anyone discussion a man and a woman being together, they’re just talking about homosexuality…and if you don’t want to bring that up in schools it completely alienates the kids that are gay, have friends that are gay, or aren’t assholes.

Newt Gingrich Was Bitten By a St. Louis Zoo Penguin

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 12:00:19 +0000

Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House and who’s current hobbies include pretending to still be involved in presidential candidate races was in St. Louis last weekend and, as reported on Twitter yesterday via several animal-based puns, was nipped by a penguin while visiting the St. Louis Zoo.

During his visit to the popular zoo in Forest Park, he was treated to a behind-the-scenes visit with two Magellanic penguins. One of them nipped Gingrich on the finger.

Missouri Might Allow Advertisements on School Buses

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 12:00:15 +0000

The Missouri State Senate is mulling a bill that if passed, would allow various state school districts to sell advertisement space on school busses, because “Well we see it on NASCAR races!” is a great reason to do all kinds of stuff and has never lead to any safety concerns or issues what so ever.

Rep. Mike Kelley, R-Lamar, said many districts need the money after several years of tight budgets. He said advertising already is found around Missouri’s schools, and permitting ads on buses could create a new revenue stream.

State Politician Wants to Make Gas Stations Notify You About Price Hikes

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 12:00:53 +0000

If you just read all the stupid crap the Missouri State government spends their time fighting over (Rush Limbaugh, Presidential ID checks, etc…) you’d think Missouri must be totally bitchin’ to live in. If their government is killing time with that crap, it’s gotta be all free banana splits and blow jobs over there right?

Nah. It’s just that we elected morons.

A Missouri lawmaker says we all should get a heads-up when there’s a price hike at the gas pump.

Missouri Half Way To Being Annoying Obviously Racist State Who Protends Not To Be

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 12:00:55 +0000

The Missouri House passed what has been called the “birther” bill, in which candidates for president or vice president would have to prove their U.S. citizenship in order to be put on the Missouri State’s ballot, inching us all one step closer to future laws such as the “Presidential hopefuls shall measure their dicks (from the balls, not the base!) for the State of Missouri and if he is larger than the average elected official, he will be denied a spot on the ballot!” law, and the point when everyone else just realizes they can have the election without us.

Rush Limbaugh is Going to be in the Hall of Famous Missourians

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 13:00:43 +0000

We usually hate talking about the “obvious” news stories, but this one we had to chime in on. Everyone was all aflutter after the news broke that conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh is being admitted in to the “Hall of Famous Missourians”. Of course the news leaked on the sculptor’s blog almost a month ago, but lately Rush went and called a bunch of non-slutty women sluts which it turn caused a bunch of people to remember that Rush Limbaugh still exists, and craziness ensued. Frankly it wouldn’t shock us one bit if Rush himself re-leaked the news of this hall selection just to stir up more free press.

February 29th: An Extra Day in St. Louis is an Extra Day to Die!

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 13:00:01 +0000

Yeah it’s totally fake, but we’d like to think he wrote that up and just had his mouse hovering over the “Tweet” button for like 20 minutes before deciding “Nah, not worth it.”

Mountain Grove Might Get a Horse Slaughter House No Matter How Many ‘My Little Ponies’ You Owned as a Kid

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 17:00:31 +0000

KDSK: Where the news comes first! …unless you think an interview about how one lady doesn’t like someone else’s business because it kills the one animal she likes isn’t news. Then just hang tight because after this there’s a few stories about people getting shot and then a long talk about the weather, followed by anchor banter and sports.

Horse meat to eat? Sound unlikely? It could soon be a possibility, as the developers of a horse slaughter plant have set their sights on Missouri.

The New Emerald Van Has Been Released

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 13:00:26 +0000

The Hazelwood headquartered Emerald Automotive has released an working version of their new low emissions van and if the tests go well, it will mean jobs for the St. Louis region.

“I am delighted to see the vehicles in action,” said Emerald Automotive CEO Andy Tempest. “Full credit must be given to our engineering team and technical partners who have worked tirelessly over the past 18 months to meet all our demanding cost, design and milestone targets. This is a considerable achievement, given that the t-001 is an all-new vehicle designed from the ground up.”

Are County Leaders Shipping Their Homeless to the City? (Probably.)

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 13:00:54 +0000

City leaders are complaining that the various area counties are actively shipping their homeless in to the city to live in group camps like the infamous “Hopeville” encampment. Of course by “shipping” we mean driving them in a car in to the city and then telling them to get out, but it’s way more funny if you think of it like the county is setting homeless guy traps filled with homeless guy treats like beard combs and flanel jackets only to shake them out of their cages, releasing them in the wilds of south city and downtown.

The New Arch Grounds Plan Reminds Us of Something Dirty

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 13:00:05 +0000

The plans for the new Arch grounds are starting to take shape by the releasing of design photos, and explanations about how the new work will change the downtown layout. NextSTL has it covered:

Not a single local media story, not KSDK, not St. Louis Public Radio, not the Post-Dispatch, not the Beacon, no one included the detail that if the presented plan comes to fruition that Pine Street will no longer connect the city with the Arch grounds. […] With Pine Street gone, visitors will find yet another dead end as they attempt to navigate their way to the Arch. The distance between accessible crossings (Washington Avenue to Chestnut Street) will reach more than 1,500 feet.

Missouri Governor Hopeful Dave Spence Smartly Tried to Hide Home Economics Major

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:34:03 +0000

Dave Spence is a Missouri businessman trying to make a run at the Governor’s office, leaning on the slogan “A Conservative for Missouri” which is brillant because we really don’t have many of those around here and he would really be a shock to those liberal hippies that usually the Missouri state government. Regardless, his plan might have worked had he managed to successfully hide his true college major behind his cloak of “important word dropping”.

The Brooklyn, Illinois Mayor is a Total Dick

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 13:00:21 +0000

While the Brooklyn, Illinois fire department were called away to an fire-related emergency, the mayor had the firehouse locks changed. All this, a bunch of douche bags in close up black and white bumpers and Ashton Kutcher’s own prank about banging a bunch of sluts while married to Demi Moore on the next super-f*cked up episode of Punk’d!

The drama started Thursday evening when the chief says a local commissioner called him saying the mayor changed the locks at the department. The chief says by the time he started looking into the matter, there was a call about a vacant house fire just one block from the firehouse.

Have You Heard the One Where the Occupiers Met With the Mayor’s Staff?

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 13:00:44 +0000

So Mayor Slay’s staff walk in to a room in the Edward Jones Dome with a few people from the Occupy St. Louis movement currently inhabiting downtown…

Stop us if you’ve heard this one.

The initial debate was between the Mayor’s Chief of Staff Jeff Rainford, and a guy that only went by “Chuck”…naturally.

“We ask that you condemn the police violence in Oakland and retract any threats or insinuations of violence against us and the accusation that we are inciting violence,” Chuck said.

The Cabbies Respond to Us Making Fun of Them

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 17:00:56 +0000

Last week we took some shots at the local cabbies for “whining” about a convention using other transportation rather than cabs.

“What do you mean non-cab drivers have figured out how to get their own cars?! Oh no! Someone, quick, talk to the press and make sure they photograph you in the creepiest way possible!”

As with every post we do, it was a joke and all the real details are gleaned form the source material, which in this case was KMOX. In fact, we also took a shot at KMOX for posting the creepiest possible photo of the cab driver they interviewed, but according to the cab drivers that sent us emails over the weekend, we also could have taken a few shots at KMOX for leaving out a few details that we weren’t aware of. So because we’re nice, we wanted to post a couple of the responses we got so that everyone gets a fair shake at defending themselves against a joke.

St. Louis Cab Drivers are Pissed Because Convention Has Their Own Transportation

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 12:00:29 +0000

Ever try to call a cab in St. Louis? It’s a bitch. If you’re in a popular area you can grab one, but trying to get one to pick you up at a random area is nearly impossible at times, and even if they do get there, it’s usually late enough that you and you’re party are either thinking about doing something else or one guy steps up and says “Screw it, I’ll be the designated driver!”. In short, St. Louis isn’t the easiest place to get a cab…but that’s not stopping the St. Louis Cab drivers from bitching about the nerve of a random convention in town to acquire other means of transportation by paying someone that’s not them.

East St. Louis Police Chief Fires Himself

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 12:00:50 +0000

Count us as extremely surprised when we heard the news that East St. Louis’ Police Chief, Ranadore Foggs, called it quits Saturday. Who the hell would have guessed that East St. Louis had a Police Chief?!

Chief Foggs told Mayor Alvin Parks Jr. about his decision Saturday.

Foggs said he had philosophical differences with the mayor on how the police department should be run. Foggs said his character and integrity were important to him and making the city safe was his No. 1 goal, and that’s why he came aboard the police department.

President Barack Obama Ruined Your Drive Home, Got Yelled At, Had Pizza, Left

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 12:00:11 +0000

The President spun through our little metropolis yesterday and, as usual we’re sure, had quite a busy day.

He started off by touching down at Lambert Airport at 5:35pm and was greeted by Governor Jay Nixon and Mayor Francis Slay, who both ~~blew him until climax~~ welcomed him to our fine city. “What the f*ck?! You still haven’t fixed this shit? Didn’t we give you money for this? Jesus.” we’re assuming the President said after leaving the airport on his way to…

Governor Nixon Wants to Let Uniformed People Cut In Line

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 17:48:03 +0000

In honor of the 10th anniversary of 9/11, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon proclaimed that you should let all people in uniform cut in front of you in line…but just like for one week. After that you and you alone will be first in line for the new issue of Jugs.

Nixon has proclaimed this week as “Put the Uniform First Week” in Missouri. He says it’s intended to show respect to people who wear uniforms as police officers, firefighters, emergency responders and military personnel.

The St. Louis Police Department Wants to Buy Some Fancy New Clothes

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 12:00:53 +0000

“Oh officer, thank god you’re here! I’ve been shot three times in the leg and the guy left about 30 minutes ago in my car but my daughter is still in the car so at least I didn’t have to deal with her while I was bleeding all over the sidew…oh now don’t you look nice!”

The St. Louis Police department is dropping some change on a new set of “formal” uniforms for each officer. How much? Just 80,000. “Hey everyone! Let me know what you want me to buy before the state makes the mayor our boss again!”

Kirkwood Lady Thinks Spending Nearly A Thousand Dollars on a Banner Made a Difference

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 12:00:11 +0000

The United States government is having a rough go of it lately and someone needed to do something! Someone needed to step up, be a leader and fill that emptiness we all seem to be carrying around these days! Who’s it going to be? Show us a sign!

At about 11:30 AM on Tuesday, a plane flew by the S&P offices in New York dragging a banner behind it saying: “THANKS FOR THE DOWNGRADE. YOU SHOULD ALL BE FIRED.”

It’s Your Last Chance to Buy Northwest Plaza

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 19:50:20 +0000

If you told me that you have $1.5 Million to spend and really love open spaces that used to be filled with long-since empty stores and cart after cart of hair extension and bedazzled cell phone cases, then do we have the place for you!

Northwest Plaza Mall and 500 Office Tower is a one- and two-story super regional mall with a 12-story office building that has 1,829,261 square feet of gross leasable area in St. Ann, a suburb in St. Louis. The mall is currently 8.54% occupied and the office portion is 47.29% occupied. Overall occupancy is 11.87%. The center was formerly anchored by Macy’s, Sears, Dillard’s, and Steve and Barry’s, though all anchors have vacated as of the date of appraisal. Additional outparcel stores include a vacant Toys R Us and vacant The Bedroom Store.

Springfield Congressman Billy Long Relates Debt Crisis to Amy Winehouse

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 21:17:53 +0000

The Congressman for Missouri’s 7th District, Billy Long, took to twitter earlier today to finally make the connection we’ve all been searching for: How is the government’s looming debt crisis like Amy Winehouse’s recent demise?

Nailed it. Way to related to the young people, old fat guy in a cowboy hat that makes odd references to a celebrity death on the currently popular social network!

Congressman Boss Hog here thought he was mighty clever after he thought this one up! You get it right? Both Winehouse and the government are “addicted” to stuff, and reaching August 2nd without a new debt ceiling deal in place will be like America passed out and died on the floor of our London flat…wait, what?

Translating Police Chief Dan Isom’s Response To Citizen’s Police Complaints

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 19:44:32 +0000

Over the last weekend a piece ran in the Post Dispatch about a guy that had his laptop stolen. With the help of exactly no one, he managed to locate the thief by logging in to his computer and trick him in to typing in his name and address. The victim gave all the information to the police who did…nothing.

Four days after the June 20 burglary of his Pennsylvania Avenue home, Van Almsick grew tired of waiting.

Some Old Lady in St. Charles Used a Lot of Water

Mon, 11 Jul 2011 12:52:27 +0000

An old lady in St. Charles was shocked to see her water bill in April was for $2,043.78, and we’re all talking about this because nothing all that interesting is going on.

Kelly, who is 80 and lives alone in her home in the 2000 block of Graystone Drive, has been disputing the accuracy of the 351,000 gallons of metered water consumption the city billed her for.

Kelly sent a letter disputing the bill to the city’s public works director, Debra Aylsworth, in May and met with public works officials on June 14. Following that meeting, Kelly received a letter from John Zimmerman, assistant director of public works. In the letter, Zimmerman concludes that Kelly’s Neptune AMR meter was not malfunctioning and that the city could not offer an adjustment on her bill based on meter error.

We Gave Mayor Slay His Own Meme!

Fri, 08 Jul 2011 14:00:56 +0000

If you’re on the internet, you know about the recent surge of photo memes. For example, there’s Philosoraptor, Hipster Kitty, Scumbag Steve, Socially Awkward Penguin, Business Cat, and Technologically Impaired Duck just to name some of the better ones. …but now…we present to you…the beginning of the “Mayor Slay” meme! He’s a nice-guy mayor awkwardly leading a city further in to crappiness, so these pretty much write themselves…except for the ones we did, those took amazing comedic skill.

Pujols Contract Season: Totally Going Just Like They Planned It!

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 12:00:54 +0000

Just six months ago everything was coming up Pujols. He was getting offered the big money for his next contract, and he was turing it down for bigger money. His agent, Dan Lozano, was out there telling his client “Hell yeah you should go in to your walk-year without a contract! Think of the money we could be offered on the open market! We’re talking huge money Al! The only thing that could go bad is that you have a bad season, but lucky for us you’ve never had a bad season! Ha ha ha! [Lights cigar with hundred dollar bill]”

The Missouri State Senators Are Tone Deaf Buttholes

Thu, 12 May 2011 12:00:41 +0000

St. Louis is in the midst of a bit of a crime issue…by which we mean there are areas that people feel kinda safe dotted throughout areas where no one should ever go ever. The Mayor’s office and the police force only seem able to fill their time complaining about every issue other than actually getting out there and putting a stop to this, while a mass of other politicians and residents like to pretend that everything’s going great while the population of the city continues to dive.

If You Pay For the Zoo, Then Take Some Cheap Parking

Wed, 11 May 2011 16:00:25 +0000

A proposal has been laid out that would give discounts on things like parking or admission at the city’s major tax-funded attractions to city residents. For instance, the Zoo would offer discounted parking to all city residents…except for those that live close enough to walk, who get nothing we guess. Maybe we can give them a balloon with a zebra on it or something?

Gas is Expensive

Fri, 06 May 2011 21:56:07 +0000

As of right now, the price of gas is right around $4 a gallon in St. Louis. Area owners of giant trucks or SUVs are currently torn between hatin’ that dang Obama because of the gas prices, but still loving the fact he killed that dang Osama. Poor fellers, that sure is a lot of of “danging” and like-sounding names.

The following things are now no longer driving for because they were barely worth it with gas was only $3 a gallon:

Jailed State Senator Jeff Smith Tells Us What a “Prison Wallet” Is

Fri, 15 Apr 2011 16:00:37 +0000

(Photo: Jeff Smith, right, with one of the guys he met in prison I guess…wait, no. It’s Bill Streeter.)

Jeff Smith, the Missouri state senator who was jailed last year after being found that he lied to the feds during questioning about a conspiracy with Voters for Truth to run negative ads against opponent Russ Carnahan, has written a little piece about his time in the clink and in it he answers questions like “What does ‘get chalked’ mean?”, “What’s a prison wallet?”, “Did he stab anyone or become someone’s bitch?” (Answers: “to be murdered”, “your butt” and “inconclusive”)

Foodbank Tries to Trick You in to Being Charitable While Working Out

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 19:00:31 +0000

Nice try St. Louis Area Foodbank. Here’s where you messed up in your little trick to get people to be charitable by saying lifting canned goods are working out: We don’t want to do either of those things! In. Your. Face.

The organization also aims to demonstrate the physical benefits of volunteering at nonprofit organizations throughout St. Louis and is encouraging people to sign up for the “Pound for Pound Challenge,” a free online weight loss program that raises money for Feeding America.

Tony LaRussa and Ray Vinson’s Awkward Handshake Will Forever Haunt Our Dreams

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 12:00:10 +0000

UVerse must have accidentally let a Cardinal game through because last night we sat down and actually got to watch the Cardinals hammer the Diamondbacks. It had been a few days since we last watched a Cardinal game, so as we blissfully drank in the offensive displays that usually bore us and watched Lance Berkman’s grand slam shot float over the wall of Chase Field we had all but forgotten the thing that would later ruin the game for us. The same thing that has ruined every Cardinal game, despite the outcome, so far this year…no, not Ryan Franklin…it’s those horrible Ray Vinson commercials featuring Tony LaRussa!

Lady Sues City Over Trash Charge

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 18:00:40 +0000

Annie Cooper is 70 and when you make it to that age, it is your job to shit on everyone that hasn’t made it there by being as grumpy and annoying as possible, always finding a way to make every little thing in to a slight against you personally. That’s gotta be a great feeling, and we can’t wait until we graduate to that lofty position. Back to Annie though, she’s mad because the city is charging her $11/month more for trash pickup and the addition of recycling dumpsters. So mad, she’s suing the city, and pissing off her Alderman who seems completely confused by the whole thing.

State Auditor: University City is Run By Morons

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 12:00:25 +0000

According to the Missouri State Auditor, University City is run by a bunch of raving idiots that probably can’t even wipe their asses correctly, but he can’t verify that since it’s technically outside of the State Auditor’s prescribed duties.

Missouri State Auditor Tom Schweich released an audit Thursday highly critical of how University City operates and spends tax payer dollars.

…the city has 3,373 delinquent trash accounts costing the city $1.6 million. The city paid $97,000 in severance to its former city manager, but had the termination date been just eight days later, the city would have saved $28,000.

The City Earning Tax Stays For Another Five Years

Wed, 06 Apr 2011 12:00:24 +0000

The few of you that voted decided that the St. Louis City earning tax should be kept around yesterday night, in what ended up being a decisive landslide approving Proposition E. Meanwhile, in his skull-shaped island lair, Mayor Slay tapped his fingers together in pleasure because he would continue to reap the roughly $150 million dollar revenue stream the income tax generates (or, probably more precisely, he wiped the sweat off his brow, high-fived his buddies, then went home to rub one out and get a good night’s sleep for the first time in a few months, but the super villan in his lair sounded more awesome).

Busch Stadium Gives the Leftovers to Homeless People

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 16:00:46 +0000

The Cardinals are making it kown that they have been working with Operation Food Search to pack up all un-eaten food and supply it to homeless shelters.

Jeramie Mitchell, the stadium’s Food and Beverage Director, says the Cardinals work with Operation Food Search. They pack any quality food in coolers, and the organization picks it up the next day.

Operation Food Search is a St. Louis organization that distributes food to homeless shelters and others in need. Last season, the Cardinals donated $100,000 worth of food.

Pro-Gaddafi Protests Mistakenly Think St. Louis Has Anything to Do With Libya

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 16:00:38 +0000

Signs that read “Hands off Libya” and “Stop the bombing” were held high outside the federal building in downtown St. Louis Monday because 10 people really don’t want the US picking on Libya…but not quite enough to get on a plane and protest in front of a building that actually has anything to do with US bombing Libya.

“Africa can and must handles its own affairs,” [Organizer Zaki Baruti] said, “Stop the bombing and military intervention in Libya and Africa.”

Mayor Slay is Still Begging the Missouri Senate For Control of Police Department

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 12:00:45 +0000

Yesterday a Missouri Senate committee heard testimony from both sides of the issue of whether or not St. Louis city should control the local Police Department, including the man himself, Mayor Frank Slay. Obviously the Mayor is a strong proponent for giving control of the city police force to the city as opposed to the status quo of the State running it from Jefferson City.

“Again, if something goes wrong in city government, if people have an issue with what I’m doing, they can go to the polls and they can vote one way or another…they can’t do that with respect to the police department,” Slay said.

Fairview Heights Aldermen Could Use a Good Spanking

Mon, 28 Mar 2011 19:00:23 +0000

A week ago an exclusive convention was held in the Four Points by Sheraton hotel in Fairview Heights and despite the fact the event took place quietly, and with no problems, the Fairview Heights aldermen decided it was worth everyone’s time to bitch about it anyway.

Yes, the convention was sexual in nature…”Beat Me in St. Louis”…seriously…and at least one Alderwoman is saying that this type of event shouldn’t be held in her community:

University City Wants to Ruin Everything By Charging People to Park

Thu, 24 Mar 2011 16:00:06 +0000

You know what the best thing to do when you’re in charge of one of the few good, consistently busy areas of St. Louis? Make it so it’s more annoying to go there.

City Manager Lehman Walker has proposed charging $1 for parking in the evenings — possibly starting as early as 4 p.m. — on two city-owned parking lots north of Delmar Boulevard; those lots are now free. The revenue is reflected in his proposal for the budget beginning July 1 but has not yet been considered by the council.

Hazelwood Hates the Girl Scouts

Thu, 24 Mar 2011 12:00:17 +0000

“We don’t want to give the impression we’re cracking down on Girl Scouts selling their cookies,” — Tim Davidson, a Hazelwood city spokesman

Ok, but it does actually seem like you are trying to give the impression you’re cracking down on Girl Scouts selling their cookies, Mr. Davidson. You see…and maybe when we highlight this you’ll see our side…see it really started to feel like you were cracking down on Girl Scouts selling their cookies…when you started to crack down on a couple of Girl Scouts selling their cookies. You know? Remember when you told two girls they couldn’t sell cookies in the front yard off of a folding table because of zoning laws? Yeah…that’s what we’re talking about right there.

Governor Nixon Gives St. Louis More Jogging Trails, Designated Areas for Muggers

Fri, 18 Mar 2011 19:00:54 +0000

St. Louis just hit the $1.5 million dollar jackpot with money to make jogging trails…or possibly more adequately named: muggable surface area. Any new paths for people to walk, unguarded, in to shady areas with iPod strapped to their arms sure makes things easy, which can only help St. Louis’ single largest export: People that don’t want to live here anymore. Cha-ching!

Nixon said he had no problems allocating funds for trails in tough economic times for the state. The money is from competitive federal grants, he said.

No Layoffs for St. Louis City Police! The Fire Department However…

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 16:00:24 +0000

Question: Have you, or a loved one, had your car stolen by a fire by chance? Were you mugged by Fire recently? Ok, seriously now, where did Fire touch you? Did Fire rape you? If you’re answering no for the most part and have just been robbed, mugged, raped and stabbed by humans while living in the city, then all together, this should be good news.

St. Louis to be the Proud Owners of the Worst Named Bridge Ever

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 12:00:47 +0000

The Golden Gate Bridge…the Brooklyn Bridge..and now? …The “Jerry F. Costello-William Lacy ‘Bill’ Clay Sr. Veterans Memorial Bridge”. Just rolls of the tongue doesn’t it? Yes, your local leaders are making moves to name the new Mississippi River bridge the “Jerry F. Costello-William Lacy ‘Bill’ Clay Sr. Veterans Memorial Bridge”. Who’s ready for eventual charity marathons?! Come on everyone! Sign up for the 2015 Fun Run to the Jerry F. Costello-William Lacy ‘Bill’ Clay Sr. Veterans Memorial Bridge! All the proceeds will go to the making of new, wider bridge supports so they can fit the whole dedication plaque on them

The City’s New Revenue Plan: Phantom No Parking Signs

Fri, 11 Mar 2011 13:00:48 +0000

Oh those crafty folks running St. Louis! Parking tickets are a good revenue stream for the city, but what happens when people aren’t violating parking rules enough? If only we could make them think it was ok to park there and then say it wasn’t so they’d have to give us money?

[ Scene: St. Louis City Budget Meeting]

Mayor Slay: We need more money! The damn cops keep asking for more, we can’t cut any more services, we’re hemorrhaging people and we our plan to dig up and move North St. Louis with 100 helicopters over to Illinois still isn’t a viable option. We need money and you are my best idea men! Go!

St. Charles Hates Tattoo Shops, America, and Kittens (Probably)

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 13:00:43 +0000

If you live in St. Charles you should know that your local government thinks your stupid and it hates good ole American capitalism. They may also like stepping on cats tails and punching smiling 5 year-olds in the stomach. The last part we’re not 100% sure of, but the first two things are totally true. Exhibit One: They, once again, denied tattoo shops the right to start up within incorporated St. Charles.

Charter Isn’t Doing Any Better

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 17:00:08 +0000

Everyone’s favorite former local internet monopoly Charter, posted a loss of $85 Million dollars last quarter, bringing their total loses for 2010 to a whopping $237 Million. All this, just a year after Charter filed for bankruptcy. Things are going just great according to Charter though, you see the secret is playing high school basketball games. There’s you’re big ticket TV right there.

Charter is banking on big gains from their commercial business, but it’s pretty damn clear what Charter needs to do to get back in the black: Chalk Talk needs to get back on the air. Randy Karraker, Tony Twist, McGraw Millhaven…um…the black guy…all the great insight in to the local sports scene along with the added fun of spinning a wheel and distilling your insight in to a two or three words, poorly scribbled on a children’s learning to spell chalkboard. How can you not love that?! You’re in the hole for $237 Mil? Chalk Talk alone is worth at least $146.oo. Sure you gotta subtract from that the price of chalk…and the cost of making a new wheel if you got rid of the last one…but whew, can you imagine the excitement when people mis-key the channel they actually wanted and end up on the Charter local channel to find Chalk Talk where a bunch of out-of-work buddies make the standard “best fans in baseball” references between giggling about inside jokes? Hello windfall!

Ward 6 Alderwoman Kacie Starr Triplett Seems Pretty Popular With Everyone But Her Constituents

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 17:00:08 +0000

The city’s ward 6 Alderwoman is Kacie Starr Triplett, and she’s a star! If you don’t know, now you know! Check out this glittery bio:

With a commitment to her community and to her beloved City, Kacie Starr Triplett, has emerged as one of Saint Louis’ youngest and brightest leaders. Elected at the age of 26 to the St. Louis Board of Aldermen, Kacie was sworn in as one the youngest elected leaders in the history of Saint Louis in April of 2007. As a life-long resident of the 6th Ward, Kacie has devoted her entire career to public service and improving her communities.

Missouri House Submits Bill That Forces Surgery to be All Sober and Boring

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 20:14:05 +0000

Missouri House member Vicki Schneider of O’Fallon, has submitted a bill that would make it a Class B misdemeanor if a doctor was caught performing surgery, or any other medical procedure, on a patient while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, making officially illegal something that is only the realm of malpractice lawsuits currently.

You read that right Missouri! As it stands, if your Doctor can manage to drive his drunk ass to the hospital without getting a ticket, then he’s free and clear to cut you open. …Son of a bitch! We knew our kidney’s shouldn’t tick or feel “watchy”!

Rapper Pissed ESPN Used His Song No One’s Heard of on Their National Broadcast

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 17:00:27 +0000

First, before we get to the meat of this little ordeal, we want you to know that KSDK brought us this story from Frank Wiley reporting live from downtown St. Louis last night.

Why? No clue. None of this had anything to do with downtown St. Louis. Maybe Frank had to smoke or fart or something so he took his work outside. It added nothing to the story of a local rapper suing ESPN, but maybe if you hit your head really really hard or take a day and drink nothing by antifreeze it might make more sense.

The Democrats Like Charlotte, North Carolina Better Than Us

Wed, 02 Feb 2011 13:00:17 +0000

It became official yesterday morning, the prize that St. Louis had been chasing, the chance to host the 2012 Democratic National Convention, slipped through the city’s fingers like so many murders and car thieves. The convention, and the people, attention and tax money that come with it, are taking their talents to Charlotte, North Carolina in 2012.

The Mayor had this to say in his official statement:

The United States of Shame Featuring Your Poor Ass

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 15:57:12 +0000

Pleated Jeans.com recently put together this map of our United States with each state decorated by one state that it is worst in the nation in. What better day to post this than on the day after our President’s State of the Union address?

Oh, I know what you’re thinking, guy with knife lodged in his belly, but Missouri isn’t the nation’s worst place for crime, that’s just St. Louis. The wise map picked bankruptcy as Missouri’s “best” worst ranking. So if you’re poor, this is all your fault. We were going to give you a dollar, but now, after this? …well we weren’t actually thinking of giving you a dollar, it would be too close to touching. We would have given you the “Sorry” look though, which we think is just as nice.

Counting Down to Pujols’ New Contract Deadline

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 18:00:41 +0000

Less than a month remains until St. Louis baseball legend Albert Pujols’ self-defined deadline for when contract talks between him and the Cardinals need to be done or he will go to free agency. Instead of updating you daily like all the local sports sources have already started to do, we’re just going to put up a little countdown clock. Feel free to just stare at that whenever you’d like.

Missouri’s Credit Scores Below National Average

Tue, 18 Jan 2011 17:00:45 +0000

In rather unsurprising news today we learned that Missouri’s credit scores are below the national average by ten points.

Bruce McClary with Clear Point Credit Counseling Solutions said Missouri residents on average are about ten points below the rest of the country receiving an average score of 658.

With lower scores, it will cost more to borrow money. McClary said someone with a credit score of 658 will pay about $140 more per month on a mortgage.

Town and Country Alderman is a Horrible Liar

Fri, 14 Jan 2011 13:00:07 +0000

You should be ashamed of yourself. The deer are what make Town and Country such a nice place to live. It’s aldermen like you who should be shot.

That’s one of the emails Town and Country Alderman David Karney sent to fellow Alderman Fred Meyland-Smith after the two disagreed on how to handle their community’s deer population problem. We initially guessed it was because Alderman Fred Meyland-Smith uses a hyphenated last name which, as we all know, is only done by people that no respect of the sanctity of last names and deserve nothing but our collective ire. You think we all have plenty of time to be writing two last names for you?! Oh, there’s a hypen, must be just a single last name…wait, no its not. You’re cheating the system you bastard!

Governor Nixon Doesn’t Wear His Seat Belt

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 13:00:14 +0000

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon was in a car accident Friday and it turns out he doesn’t wear his seat belt. He even (might have) said that people that do wear their seat belts are pussies and will never grow up to be big and strong like to Governor.

Nixon was treated and released from a hospital after the Missouri State Highway Patrol car in which he was riding was rear-ended in a three-vehicle accident on U.S. Highway 50, just a few blocks south of the Capitol. A patrol report said the governor was not wearing a seat belt.

New city attraction signs aren’t free to businesses

Thu, 06 Jan 2011 20:00:19 +0000

Short version: The city is dropping some cash to put up signs all over the place that point to various places of interest like famous restaurants, neighborhoods or attractions. Some are whining about this though when they found out that the signs will only be leading the way to attractions that have paid the city for the sign placement.

There are lots of problems people can, and should, be complaining about, but this isn’t one of them. The whiney business owners need to just shut up and pay for the advertising or don’t. You don’t expect to get free billboards from the city, and you shouldn’t expect to just get on the signs because you think your restaurant is special.

Missouri Attorney General Chris Koster Lists the 15 Worst Charities

Wed, 22 Dec 2010 13:00:50 +0000

According to Missouri’s Attorney General Chris Koster, there are charities out there that aren’t really here to help! Some charities are super helpful organizations that take money and give all of it over to whatever their cause is…women that like fat guys or Mexicans something…but other charities take your money, pocket most of it and then throw a few pennies at their “cause” to keep things nice and legal. We’re starting to think that money we gave to the “Women Helping Others Reach Elevated Standards” last week won’t really help anything except for Cinnamon’s issues with her pimp.

Sports Agent Harold Lewis Got a Really Good Deal on a House in Lake St. Louis

Thu, 09 Dec 2010 13:00:59 +0000

The big talk out in western St. Charles County for the last few months has been the goings on of this really big ass house that was constructed in Lake St. Louis. Not exactly a lot going on out there apparently.

Created by the owner of the now defunct US Fidelis, who made craploads of money by selling extended auto-service contracts before getting panned for shoddy service and are now bankrupt, the 20,752-square-foot mansion was described on the listing thusly…

$800,000 of Lotto Winnings Left Unclaimed in South County

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 17:00:59 +0000

3, 11, 24, 26, 29

A “Show Me Cash” (see what they did there?) ticket was sold a Quicktrip on Gravois in South County that won the lucky owner precisely $829,986, but as of this writing, the prize is still unclaimed.

What could a South County resident buy with over $800,000 dollars? Um…lets se…here are our top 5 guesses:

An $800,000 dollar Best Buy gift card.

Area Fire Department Can’t Keep the Lights On

Tue, 30 Nov 2010 20:00:34 +0000

The fire station in Kinloch, just to the east of Lambert Airport, does not have the money to pay for their power bill and they are over a thousand dollars in the red to Ameren.

Ameren Missouri sent the department a notice, dated November 15th, saying the department faces disconnection.

The bill totals $1,271.88.

Volunteer firefighter, Richard Parks, says an Ameren employee went to the station to cut off power earlier today, but did not do it after seeing the building is used as a fire station.

St. Peters Forgets What County They are in, Bans Chewing Tobacco Spit

Mon, 22 Nov 2010 20:00:19 +0000

The Mayor of St. Peters saw some guy spit chewing tobacco on the sidewalk in front of city hall and it started his quest to ban the spitting of tobacco juice. That quest ended last Thursday.

If you live or work in the city of St. Peters and you’re out in public – no more spitting tobacco juice on the ground.

Past Missouri Lotto Winner Tried to Sell Infant Grandson

Thu, 11 Nov 2010 13:00:57 +0000

Everyone says that money won’t change them, but few can hold that claim after actually having won a Million dollars…everyone except Patty Bigbee, who was a crazy old lady when she wasn’t rich, won a Million dollars in the Missouri Lottory two years ago, and then recently was busted for trying to sell her infant grandson. The lesson? Always be true to yourself.

Patty Bigbee, 45, and her boyfriend Lawrence Works, 42, were arrested last Friday in Daytona Beach and charged with illegal sale or surrender of a child, the Florida Department of Law Enforcement said. Bigbee was also charged with communication fraud.

Election 2010: Choose Your Own Adventure

Wed, 03 Nov 2010 12:00:33 +0000

[Update: Results graphic updated with the final two race results. Click for a larger view.]

Wow! What an election season. We saw some great fights that turned out to be landslides, and things we thought were decided in October come down to the wire. We had the big push for that thing we both wanted to win and held hands while we found out that person we didn’t want to win take the victory and then went to Twitter to complain…a lot. We never did stop complaining and calling people names on Twitter…we’re still doing it now actually. It’s funny how on Election night, “winning” and “losing” translate to pretty much the same thing.

U2 is Coming to Busch Stadium

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 19:00:00 +0000

Hello St. Louis! Are you ready to rock?!

Mega-band U2 has been booked for a July 17th, 2011 appearance at our very own Busch Stadium! Announced Monday afternoon, the Cardinals are bringing the bands “360 Tour” and its musical spectacle packed in 120 semi trucks to the Busch Stadium field.

Take the largest stage and tour production in history, one of the greatest bands of all time with three decades of hits, add the world class Busch Stadium, and you have the formula for an evening you’ll never forget.

The Admiral Riverboat is on Ebay

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 16:00:43 +0000

The old Admiral Riverboat is being auctioned off and it’s a damn shame they didn’t put this bucket up on Ebay a few weeks earlier than they did or we could have tacked in on to our list of worthless ebayed St. Louis items.

Ok, so technically it isn’t “worthless” since the “Buy It Now” price is a cool 1.5 Million

Though the boat has no official offers listed on the site currently, potential buyers have six days to mull the purchase of a big ass boat that is…

Frontenac: Oh You Like Charity? Take That Crap Somewhere Else!

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 12:00:46 +0000

Plaza Frontenac doesn’t want any do-good charity bull crap next to Saks Fifth Avenue or Neiman Marcus. Apparently that stuff doesn’t make any money and that’s just not going to cut it, so the city has worked with the fancy shopping center to preemptively block any nonprofits from getting in the mix.

Jesse Bogan has the details at STLToday –

The story starts with a St. Louis Bread Co. cafe — specifically, the one in Clayton that opened earlier this year as a nonprofit, promising to kick back its profits to charitable causes.

St. Louis Has the Cheapest Gas in the United States

Mon, 25 Oct 2010 16:00:51 +0000

Apparently it’s someone’s job to “survey” the national gas prices over at the Associated Press and that sad little bastard has some shocking news for you: Gas prices have gone up 5.23 cents in the last two weeks! Aaahhhh! Quick lets go to war with someone…wait no…maybe it’s the President’s fault…or bears. Wait wait wait, be cool. At least we live in St. Louis and have the nation’s lowest average gas regular unleaded gas prices. Wheew.

Apple to Open Its Largest Mall Store in the US Saturday at the Galleria

Fri, 15 Oct 2010 15:00:51 +0000

As our friends at the St. Louis Egotist have already pointed out this week, Apple will be re-opening their St. Louis Galleria location in new bigger digs. It will be Apple’s biggest mall-based store ever, topping out at 6,000 square feet and will feature a new “Genius Lounge” area in the front of the store equipped with free WiFi and cute little emo Apple chicks that will convince you to buy another iPad (“Ok so you have one right? …now think about if you had two!” “Shit, that’s a good point. Sold!”) while you wait for your genius appointment.

6 Pretty Much Worthless Ebay-ed St. Louis Items

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 18:00:39 +0000

Found on Ebay while watching the Rams piss away another win-able game:

“98 TONY BANKS ODYSSEY HOLOGOLD 1ST QTR /150 RARE” (link)

Starting bid: $0.99

Current bid: No bids.

$0.99 seems high for old Tony Banks. Really high. Like $1.50 high.

“2008 Upper Deck Signature Aaron Miles Autograph” (link)

Starting bid: $0.99
Current bids: 2
Winning bid: $1.50

God bless scrappiness! It’s the only reason he got enough bids to get two bids and $1.50. Here’s hoping the money is used wisely by ebay seller amiles_redbirdz4eva. Tony won’t be around to keep signing him forever.

That Monkey Has a Lady on Its Ass!

Thu, 16 Sep 2010 19:00:37 +0000

Who wants two monkeys?! Is it wrong to acquire monkeys simply for the jokes?

Alex and Bella are ready for good homes.Both babies are on the bottle and wearing diapers.Babies come with all paper work including health certificate.Babies are Raised in our home with dogs, cats kits.All babies come with starter kits including bottles, diapers, formula, baby blankets & toys.Our babies are vet checked and come with a health certificate. Feel free to contact us now if you feel you can give a good home to one of our babies.We will provide you with pictures

Stan Kroenke Looks Like the New Rams Owner

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 12:00:14 +0000

It’s been a long road for Stan Kroenke to get finally own the worst team in the NFL, but it looks like he might finally get the team. First there was the sudden claim of the team from Shahid Khan, then the NFL rules he had to dodge about cross-city ownership, and after all that, he had to be all like “Dude. I don’t have the money, but I promise I will have it soon. Be cool. What happened? You used to be cool.” None of that matters now because the NFL finance committee has unanimously voted in favor of our man Stan.

Kroenke Tries Putting the Rams on Layaway

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 19:00:17 +0000

“You know what? Screw it! I’m going to buy them!”

“I think that’s against the rules.”

“Nah. I can get around them.”

“Ok, so you are serious? Because someone already said that they wanted to buy them.”

“Screw that guy, I’m going to buy them.”

“Eh…I guess we can change the rules…”

“Yeah, change them.”

“Good point. Ok, we’ll change them. That will be $600 Million dollars please.”

St. Louis Wins “Other Guys” Premiere

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 12:00:00 +0000

Well kinda. It’s more like the real first pitch that goes to a celebrity at a ballgame and then the 14 other “first pitches” that they give out to retarded children.

Guess which one St. Louis is in that metaphor?

The buddy-cop comedy is set in New York, so the Big Apple gets the first bite, on Aug. 4. But the next day, Will and Mark will jet to St. Louis and walk the red carpet for local fans.

Sam Bradford is Rich Biatch!

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 20:01:59 +0000

Over the weekend, the Rams’ #1 draft pick, quaterback Sam Bradford finally signed his contract and it was for a lot of money. A believe the parlance is a “panty dropping amount”.

No. 1 overall draft pick Sam Bradford agreed to a six-year, $78 million contract with the St. Louis Rams Friday night, with $50 million in guaranteed money.

The Rams and the former Oklahoma quarterback concluded negotiations in time for the first full-squad workout, set for Saturday. The guaranteed money is the highest ever in the NFL.

Update: Former Cardinal Mike Matheny Still Squatting at Home

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:00:09 +0000

A few days ago we told you that former Cardinal catcher Mike Matheny might need to crash at your place for a little while. Nothing perminant. Just until he can get his feet under him. Two weeks tops…maybe a month. Oh and he says you’re out of Lucky Charms.

Former Cardinal catcher and still crowd favorite Mike Matheny is catching something else these days: Heat from a lawsuit filed against him and a few others by the Business Bank of St. Louis.

Matheny’s home is up for grabs and soon…like next Monday soon. All yours for $2.5 Million dollars!

Our friends at Cards Diaspora came across this news and asked us for an update on Matheny’s situation.

From the excellent website Punching Kitty comes this tid-bit about former Cardinals catcher Mike Matheny: his house is in foreclosure and is or has been recently put up for public auction. Can we get PK to find out more about this story, please? Did this house sell? How the hell did Matheny get in this situation after only being retired a couple of seasons?

Ask and you shall receive! We have an update, but lets take these questions one at a time:

Can we get PK to find out more about this story, please?

Yes. Actually we just said that. Pay attention.

Did this house sell?

No! Our initial post on the dealings said that Matheny’s home was going on the auction block July 19th, but at the last second, the auction was cancelled. According to St. Louis Business Journal:

Larry Parres, the Lewis Rice attorney who represented the bank, confirmed the sale had been called off on the 10,000-square-foot, seven-bedroom home at 2034 Joe’s Way in Chesterfield.

Business Bank originally scheduled its foreclosure sale on the Matheny home for July 12 but then delayed the auction until [July 19th].

As of this writing we still couldn’t find any answer as to why the auction was killed the morning of it’s scheduled time, but as of right now the bank is still in control of Matheny’s home.

How the hell did Matheny get in this situation after only being retired a couple of seasons?

Matheny and his wife used their house as collateral for loans given out by the Business Bank to a real estate investment business owned, in part, by the Matheny’s. Not only that, but the Matheny’s are also on the hook for another 4.2 Million down do the same bank.

It appears investing in real estate was a bad idea in the last few years. Maybe he should have stuck to “Protege Baseball” videos.

via St. Louis Business Journal

Those Dirt Cheap Ads Have Cost at Total of $9.2 Million!

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 19:00:16 +0000

Everyone knows those Dirt Cheap ads with that dumb Chicken jumping around. What you didn’t know is that Dirt Cheap has spent upwards of _$9._2 Million dollars in advertising between 1993 – 2009!

That little detail was a nugget of WTF information embedded in the court documents about the trademark lawsuit between Dirt Cheap and competitor Cheap Cheap.

Dirt Cheap, a chain of 12 St. Louis-area discount liquor and cigarette stores, filed a suit this week in federal court in St. Louis against the owners of stores called “Cheap Cheap,” alleging trademark infringement.

Charles Schmitz Thinks St. Louis City Should Eat St. Louis County

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 12:00:54 +0000

A recent opinion piece posted in the Post Dispatch recently is making the rounds. The piece, written by UMSL professor Charles D. Schmitz is entitled “St. Louis is a world-class city” it’s a well-written rah-rah piece that someone from another town might brush off as self-aggrandizing, it makes some pretty cogent points.

The focus of the piece is one major issue: St. Louis City should swallow St. Louis County. Schmitz ran the data as if that was the case and came up with the following:

City to Jack up Water Prices, Start Charging for Trash

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 19:00:45 +0000

St. Louis is poor. Mayor Slay is about a month away from having city employees sell cheese and sausage to their families. If only there was another way! If the city could only fine a service they provide and then charge more for it…

City residents can expect to see their water rates increase, and a new $144-per-family annual trash fee. The city also talked about charging a $10-per-person entry fee for recreation centers, though that precise number may not stick.

St. Louis Gives Woman the Job of Postmaster Now That the Job is Irrelevant

Wed, 09 Jun 2010 19:00:05 +0000

On Monday, St. Louis’ very first female Postmaster went to work. Nancy Fryrear became the city’s 36th Postmaster when she stepped in to her office and did…I mean I guess she like got some coffee and then…geez.

…what does a Postmaster do again?

She will oversee the collection and delivery of mail to the 490,000 business and residential customers in the 631 ZIP code area. Her area of responsibility includes 28 stations and branches, 16 finance units and nearly 1,800 employees.

Lacy Clay and Russ Carnahan Hate the Internet

Thu, 27 May 2010 19:00:56 +0000

Missouri Representatives Lacy Clay (D) and Russ Carnahan (D) hate the internet…or at least the old white guy with his hand up their asses is making them say that.

A slew of House Democrats have sent a letter to the Federal Communications Commission warning the agency not to go forward with its plan to partially reclassify ISPs as common carriers, a move needed to impose net neutrality rules.

“The uncertainty this proposal creates will jeopardize jobs and deter needed investment for years to come,” wrote Texas Congressman Gene Green on Monday. “The significant regulatory impact of reclassifying broadband service is not something that should be taken lightly and should not be done without additional direction from Congress.”

Pujols’ Agent Quits Firm

Thu, 27 May 2010 12:00:33 +0000

Pujols’ agent, Dan Lozano, pulled a Jerry McGuire Tuesday, leaving his prominent sports agency and taking with him his list of big time clients.

“Danny Lozano has left Beverly Hills Sports Council, and we wish him well in his future endeavors,” said agent Jeff Borris.

Lozano’s departure is likely to have major ramifications within the industry. Pujols, an eight-time All-Star and three-time Most Valuable Player with the St. Louis Cardinals, is closing in on free agency, and is expected to sign an enormous contract in the aftermath of big recent deals for Minnesota catcher Joe Mauer, Philadelphia first baseman Ryan Howard and others.

Missouri Spent $110,000 on Boring Welcome Signs

Thu, 20 May 2010 12:00:25 +0000

You know those signs states put up on their borders that you normally don’t pay attention to until the end of a really long road trip? (“Yea! Kentucky!”) Hold on to your butt because Missouri is revealing their all-new welcome signs! …and here they are!

There it is! All $110,000 dollars worth. At this point we aren’t sure if making it part of it look like a Billy Joel cover was extra.

Is the Sound Going Quiet Already?

Fri, 14 May 2010 19:00:36 +0000

St. Louis’ newest station 100.3 The Sound, owned by ClearChannel might be gone before it ever really got started according to a source of STLMedia.net:

Clear Channel is very close to selling/donating 100.3 to one of the groups that tried to stop the KFUO transfer. Its a double win for Clear Channel, triple if you consider that The Sound is a complete failure. All of this is being done with San Antonio because of the complex nature of the deal, but it could be done by July 4th.

Globe Democrat: We’re Doing Fine, But Laying Off People Anyway

Fri, 14 May 2010 16:00:50 +0000

We got an anonymous tip last night that succinctly read:

Globe Democrat laid off all employees because it ran out of money.

Hmm. Well the site is still up, and according to the St. Louis Beacon, the Globe Democrat has laid off three reporters and is “refocusing” on only certain sections of news. Namely sports and local politics.

The Beacon reported:

Dan Rositano, who resurrected the Globe-Democrat name and began publishing the news website on Dec. 8, said news reporters Brian Flinchpaugh, Steve Birmingham and Lisa Watson lost their jobs on Monday.

Wanna Book Ray Lankford? It’s Gonna Cost You $5,000

Wed, 12 May 2010 12:00:04 +0000

Ray Lankford, the ex-Cardinal outfielder, recently launched his new website all about his time with the Cardinals, his accomplishments and contact info to book him for corporate events and parties.

raylankford16.com is chock full of tidbits like,

Lankford hit more home runs at Busch Stadium (123) than any other player, and finished his career in his home ballpark with a pinch hit home run in his final major league at bat on October 3, 2004 .

Inbev Makes Bud Light Official NFL Beer Sponsor

Fri, 07 May 2010 16:00:58 +0000

Sick of those stupid Miller and Coors commericals that plays constantly during the NFL season, mercilessly beating the hell out of a once semi-humorus premise.

Well you have one more season to get through.

Anheuser-Busch’s flagship brand Bud Light will be the official beer sponsor of the National Football League, edging out rival MillerCoors, which said Tuesday it wouldn’t renew its deal.

Anheuser-Busch’s six-year deal, which begins in the 2011 season, is worth more than $1 billion, a person close to the league said Tuesday.

This is How the Nation Thinks of Missourians

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 16:00:30 +0000

Dammit. Why can’t we ever get in the news with a nice, regular looking, non-hoosier for once?! Just once. That’s all we want. Just once to say to the rest of the nation “Hey look. I know you think we are back water hicks that live in a place where you make movies about fancy California getting sent here as some sort of punishment that ends of setting them straight, and by and large, that’s pretty close for the large majority of us, but I think it’s good for you to know that we aren’t all like this. Some of us have all our teeth and don’t just make our summer clothes by cutting off the sleeves and legs of our winter clothes.”

Russ Carnahan Isn’t Above the Law, but He is Across the River From It

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 16:00:23 +0000

Word has leaked, with the help of Republican Ed Martin that Missouri Representative Russ Carnahan skirts the property taxes on his 42 foot yacht by parking it across the river in Alton, Illinois. A state that has no property tax.

As Americans prepare to file and pay their taxes, it’s come to light that Rep. Russ Carnahan may be skimping on his. The Congressman avoids paying personal property taxes on his 42-foot yacht by docking it in Alton, Illinois instead of his hometown.

Top 10 Things We Wish Stan Kroenke Would Step in and Buy

Thu, 15 Apr 2010 19:00:18 +0000

Stan Kroenke shocked everyone by jumping in at the last second to make a play for 100% ownership of the St. Louis Rams. That’s fine and all, but the Rams had a buyer already. Their’s way better stuff for Kroenke to drop his cash on…

Arby’s. Who doesn’t love Arby’s?
A soccer team.
4,000 pairs of white socks. Never buy socks again.

Man Wins Lottery Twice, and All You Have are Anal Warts

Thu, 15 Apr 2010 16:00:40 +0000

43 year old St. Peters resident Mike Stigall has won the lottery twice at $55,000 a pop.

According to lottery officials, Stigall purchased a Show Me Cash ticket at Cosmic Liquor, 421 S. Church St. in St. Peters, for the April 11 drawing. The ticket matched all five numbers to win the $55,000 jackpot.

Now sure, we aren’t talking the mega-millions here, but twice?! This guy wins twice? This guy has actually won money on a scratcher ticket…twice. Sure he spent $200 grand on a stack of scratchers a day for 10 years, but that’s not the point dammit. The point is you’re working your ass off at the box factor and Stigall over here swings in to Cosmic Liquor and scopes up some pink Maddog 20/20 and 55 grand. Also, I hear your significant other is cheating on you…and we could see your underwear all day at work. No one knew how to tell you, but it was totally obvious. Even that foreign guy was laughing at you about it and that guy smells like the alley that the bums pee in.

Missouri Gets 54 Million Dollars for Winning Crappiest Schools Contest

Wed, 14 Apr 2010 19:00:22 +0000

We won! The Federal government took one look at our schools and kids and said, “Holy crap. Give them some money. Its like those Sally Struthers commercials but the kids have less flies on their faces.”

U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced Monday that Missouri will receive $54 million in federal funding to turn around its lowest-achieving schools, particularly 50 struggling schools in St. Louis and Kansas City.

Getting a Clydesdale to Dump on Your Lawn Will Cost You $2000

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 19:00:59 +0000

You can’t just get the InBev Anheuser-Busch big fuzzy horses to come to your sweet sixteen party for a bag of carrots any more. You need cold hard cash, because Belgians hate you.

Anheuser-Busch has started charging $2,000 a day for Clydesdales appearances to help offset the increased costs of hauling, feeding and caring for the brewer’s iconic horses.

Every year, A-B gets more requests for its 250 Clydesdales than it can meet so the new fee will also help keep demand in line with what’s available, he said.

Stan Kroenke Was All Like POW and Khan Was All Like WHAT?! Over Last Minute Rams Bid

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 12:00:34 +0000

In a move that can be describe no other way than “utter badassery” current minority owner of the Rams and owner of the Denver Nuggets, Colorado Avalanche and some “Futbol” team you don’t care about, decided at the last possible second that “Yup, totally buying the Rams too.”

“We are pleased to announce that we have exercised our right to purchase the remaining interest in the St. Louis Rams football team under the terms of our Partnership Agreement,” Kroenke said in a statement. “We have enjoyed our involvement in the National Football League since our original expansion efforts beginning in 1993 and our subsequent 15-year partnership with the Rams.

Top 5 Best and Worst Cardinals 2010 Promotions

Thu, 08 Apr 2010 12:00:48 +0000

Every year professional sporting teams hand out those “Promotional Schedules” to everyone with a free hand as if to say “Thanks for spending all this money on us. Checkout this list of cheap crap we will give you if you spend more money with us on a specific day.”

We thought it would be fun to take a peak at the St. Louis Cardinals promo schedule and break it down for our sexy sexy readers.

O’Fallon and St. Peters Missouri Are Government Kiss-ups

Fri, 02 Apr 2010 19:00:13 +0000

You know those douche bags nerds that always turned in all their homework and when you didn’t have a chance to yours done because you were a little busy with feeling the naughty bits of the opposite sex, they would make sure the teacher knew that they did their work and you didn’t. You just want to put your foot so far up their ass that you leave trademarks on their adam’s apple right?

Us: Forest Park Sucks to Drive Through, City: Here’s more signs.

Mon, 29 Mar 2010 16:00:02 +0000

Signs! That’s the ticket…the fix to all our troubles! More signs!

That’s pretty much the reaction of the city when finally pushed to do something about the amazing traffic jams that surround Forest Park every time its nice and above 60 degrees.

After last week’s park congestion, Forest Park, the Missouri Department of Transportation, St. Louis City Streets Department, St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department and the park institutions met to work out a plan to improve traffic flow in Forest Park.

St. Louis Company Invents Graffiti Detection System

Wed, 24 Mar 2010 19:00:01 +0000

Personally, we like a little graffiti on our urban landscape. Without graffiti, how would we ever know who to fear, or what gang is most likely to shoot us in this particular area? Too bad a certain narc company is making the technology to stop all of that.

The Merlin graffiti-detection system system uses audio signature recognition software attached to the side of a building to distinguish the specific noise profile of a spray can and notify police if someone attempts to spray a graffiti message.

Illinois Wants Four Day School Weeks, Apparently Hates Parents

Wed, 24 Mar 2010 12:00:26 +0000

The Illinois Senate is currently mulling over a move that would make all Illinois State public schools to go from the standard five-day school week to the severely retarded idea of a four-day school week.

The Illinois senate is considering a measure that would change the current five-day school week into a four-day week for public school students.

The proposal has already received approval in the Illinois House.

Over the past few years, similar legislation has been presented by Missouri lawmakers but all have been rejected.

Mayor Challenges City to Mail in Census to Win Dumb Bet with Kansas City

Tue, 23 Mar 2010 16:00:48 +0000

Nothing like a bet no one knows or cares about with a city we are clearly better than on a field of play that probably ranks in the top 10 most boring bets of all time to get a city of people excited about something!

In an effort to get Missourians excited about the 2010 Census, Mayor Slay and Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser have agreed on a friendly competition to see which City improves its Census mail-in response by the highest percentage from 2000-2010.

St. Charles County Workers Banned From Texting, Apparently Using Honor System

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:00:10 +0000

Counties passing laws that ban texting while driving are the Lady Gaga of lower-level governments. Everyone seems to love them because they sound good, but when you get up close and really think about it, its kinda stupid and ugly. Also, those weird outfits just seem like a whole “Hey look at me with my crazy outfits that always hide my face like the Phantom of the Opera because I’m ugly and pay no attention to those rumors about me having a little penis.”

Lake St. Louis Bans Smoking Too

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 19:00:14 +0000

In yet another “me too” political action, another St. Louis area is moving to ban smoking.

City leaders could ban smoking in Lake St. Louis.

The aldermen could vote on a proposed ban this evening.

If a ban passes, Lake St. Louis would be the first city in St. Charles County to be smoke free.

Well there’s something to hang your hat on. No more smoking in all the fine Lake St. Louis establishments like…Schnucks…or…um….Denny’s. Wait a minute I see what’s going on here…there isn’t any real need to ban smoking in Lake St. Louis! This must all be a distraction to what they are really banning! We did a little research and if you actually really the whole ban you can see what’s really going down out there somewhere in the haze of look-a-like homes known as “West of 270 County”:

Anheuser-Busch InBev Sues Guy Making Baby Beer Bottles

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 19:00:05 +0000

BabyBeerBottles.com was selling little gag beer bottles that even included a detachable nipple for the top of the “bottle” and logos that looked like Budwiser and Miller Lite. But not anymore, because Anheuser-Busch InBev [Editor’s Note: Worst. Name. Ever.] is actively suing their balls off.

“Defendants obviously intend to profit from the famous Anheuser-Busch trademarks by confusing and deceiving consumers with defendants’ blatant copying,” A-B writes in a suit filed Monday in federal court in St. Louis. “Defendants’ offensive and inappropriate merchandise tarnishes the distinctive quality of Anheuser-Busch’s trademarks and dilutes the ability of those trademarks to serve as symbols of the high-quality and superior products the public has come to expect from Anheuser-Busch.”

St. Louis’ Rich People You’ve Never Heard Of

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 17:00:28 +0000

Forbes Magazine’s yearly billionaire list was released and we wanted to share with you St. Louis connected people on that list. Just when you start to feel superior, here we come with a list of mega-rich old people that could buy and sell your ass like the whore we all know you are.

#123 Jack Taylor, founder of Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Net worth: $6 billion

K2 is Banned and KMOV Figures Out Capitalism

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 20:00:15 +0000

Its all over the blogs. That fake weed K2 has been banned in St. Charles apparently because for a second there, a child enjoyed himself in St. Charles and that crap just can’t keep happening.

Besides the fact that the poor emo kids that are too pussy to buy real weed are now really sad and won’t stop watching their Twilight DVD, something else amazing happened! Channel 4, KMOV, learned a little bit about how America works. Good for them.

Missouri State Rep Cynthia Davis: All Guns All the Time!

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 17:00:51 +0000

Cynthia Davis sure knows how to make a quotable. She’s like a uglier Sarah Palin. Much uglier.

It wasn’t long ago that the 19th district representative pull out a few quotes that got her named “The World’s Worst Person” by liberal TV talking head Keith Olbermann:

“Hunger can be a positive motivator,” writes Davis, who chairs the Missouri House Special Committee on Children and Families. “What is wrong with the idea of getting a job so you can get better meals? Tip: If you work at McDonald’s, they will feed you for free during your breaks.”

The State Senate Has Nothing To Do

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 19:00:59 +0000

Dammit. You pussies. The State Senate has voted to rename Mark McGwire highway.

McGwire has now admitted he used steroids, and the state Senate voted unanimously Monday to rename the section of interstate the Mark Twain Highway. The measure now goes to the House.

The bill also would name sections of a few other highways for noted Missourians.

We wanted the highway to stay with the current McGwire name not just because he was still pretty kick ass in 1998. (Sure he did ‘roids, but that’s not news anymore) but also because its just a crap chunk of 70 that I’m pretty sure we can spare and most importantly, our state senate really should be focusing on something more important than whether or not a slab of asphalt should or should not be named after McGwire.

Governor Should Just Play Lotto Help Budget Says Hilarious Politician

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 20:00:06 +0000

Man politicians are funny! The state needs money and to help Governor Nixon with that number Rep. Mark Parkinson from St. Charles County has threw together a bill that says Nixon should be required to play Powerball in and effort to cover the cost.

The bill, proposed by Rep. Mark Parkinson, R-St. Charles County, would deduct $2 from Nixon’s paycheck twice a month to buy Powerball lottery tickets and place any potential winnings in a fund called “Governor Nixon’s Scratch-off, Match-off Fund.”

St. Louis City Faces Budget Cuts

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 13:00:18 +0000

I don’t want to shock any of you, but apparently we are going through some kind of economic depression. Its been a bit of a secret, but apparently it is hitting the city of St. Louis. Get ready for the budget cuts! What are we talking about? City Hall jobs could be cut, less trash pick up, down to once a week, and even possibly losing the Forest Park Rangers!

Skanky Eureka Hotel Gets Sued by Six Flags

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 13:00:08 +0000

When it rains it pours. It wasn’t long ago that the Eureka Days Inn was rated the second worst hotel in the country, and now they are getting sued by Six Flags.

The amusement park said the hotel uses deceptive advertising to promote itself as having an association with Six Flags. Six Flags is seeking both injunctive and monetary relief.

“Six Flags has never authorized the use of the Six Flags mark and the facility has no association, sponsorship, affiliation or any other connection with Six Flags,” the theme park said in a statement.

Governor Jay Nixon Got Some Very Fancy Chinese Delivery

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 20:00:25 +0000

From the Globe Democrat:

Despite recent tensions between the U.S. and China, the governor warmly received China’s ambassador to the U.S. at a discussion of a trade partnership marked by little tangible progress.

The two officials are looking to make Lambert Airport in St. Louis the Midwestern hub of air cargo transport between China and the U.S., but did not provide specifics or expand upon previous announcements.

So you’re saying there’s a good chance I might be able to get a straight flight from St. Louis to China, but I have to make two layovers to get to New York?

The President’s Casino to Get Assassinated By Missouri

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 17:00:44 +0000

The state of Missouri is playing the role of John Wilkes Booth and is out gunning for the President’s Casino. The goal is to get the casino to close its doors by as early as July.

“[President Casino] has continued to operate the President at an unacceptable level through a deliberate minimization of offerings with a resulting decline in performance,” Gene McNary, executive director of the Missouri Gaming Commission, wrote in a letter last week to John Giovenco, interim chief executive of Las Vegas-based Pinnacle. “We … are no longer able to allow the licensure of an obsolete and underachieving gaming facility in the State of Missouri.”

Lake St. Louis Creates Way for Bored Housewives to Get Rid of Latino Couple Down the Street

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 15:00:54 +0000

In America we like things nice and easy. We like our cheese pressurized, our lights clappable, and we want a really easy way to report any person we might think is an illegal immigrant on a whim.

Thank the City Council of Lake St. Louis, Missouri who’s roster is not to be confused with Senator McCarthy’s pose back in the day, (but we will excuse you if you did) for taking the step to make a system to identify and report illegal immigrants easier. You know, so you can do it without having to get off your pontoon boat.

Dr. Seuss is Mayor Slay’s New Speech Writer

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 20:00:57 +0000

We missed this before Christmas, but Mayor Slay sent us all a special Christmas message…through the words of Dr. Seuss:

Don’t think we don’t appreciate the sentiment Mr. Mayor. We do! …but what the hell did you record this with? A 7 year old cell-phone?

Rich Guy Toys With Science Center

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 17:00:55 +0000

According to St. Louis Public Radio KWMU some crazy rich guys is playing sport with a sack full of money and the Science Center a la “Brewster’s Millions” or “The Most Dangerous Game”

The St. Louis Science Center has launched an end-of-the-year fund-raising push in order to secure $500,000 from a long-time supporter.

The museum must raise the same amount by December 31st. Science Center president Doug King says the museum has received similar challenge grants in the past, but they have been limited to specific projects.

The South Butt Creator is Like Totally Stoked Dude

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 13:00:49 +0000

“Its all thanks to North Face.”

“When they tried to take me to court, it was like the best Christmas present ever.”

oh and…

“I really don’t know [why the North Face is trying to sue me]. I don’t see any similarities between the two companies.”

Those are the words from Mizzou student and owner of the now famous parody brand “The South Butt”.

Jimmy Winkelmann [Editor’s Note: Great freaking name! Seriously.] was recently interviewed by KSDK and came off calm, cool (totally rad?), and more than a little innocent as to trademark law. (View the interview after the jump)

Will Jimmy lose this case?

From our research…probably. Here’s what we found pertaining to copyright law and parody logos (Publaw.com):

Since copyright law prohibits the substantial use of a copyrighted work without permission of the copyright owner, and because such permission is highly unlikely when the use is to create a parody, it may be necessary for the parodist to rely on the fair-use defense to forestall any liability for copyright infringement. However, the fair-use defense if successful will only be successful when the newly created work that purports itself to be parody is a valid parody.

Although not every commercial use is presumptively an unfair use, and therefore conclusively determinative against fair use, this criterion emphasizes a preference that fair use will be granted to those works that are created for noncommercial or educational purposes rather than for commercial purposes.

The burden of proving fair use is usually much easier to demonstrate if the new work is for one of the “favored” purposes: criticism, comment, scholarship, research, news reporting or teaching

Winkelmann’s only hope is 2 Live Crew. Yes 2 Live Crew’s case with Roy Orbison about the “parody” song “Pretty Woman”. After going to the Supreme Court, 2 Live Crew’s version that they release and sold, was found to be a parody and thus protected, because they were found to be making a criticism of the original song.

There Jimmy Winkelmann, is your legal safe house. Go there now.

You can get your own South Butt gear, while you can, at thesouthbutt.com

Oh and for the record, we think all of this is freaking hilarious.

Wentzville GM Plant Makes 2 Millionth Van, Last Employee Left Cheered Really Hard

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 17:00:58 +0000

After a year filled with layoffs, more layoffs and finally laying off that guy that everyone thought was totally going to be the first one to get canned but somehow making it until the third round, the GM plant in Wentzville, MO rolled out the 2 Millionth “full sized van” yesterday marking another time in history that no one will care about ever.

Normandy to Eat Wellston, Not in a Sexy Way

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 20:00:45 +0000

Come Thursday it will all be official, the Wellston school district will be no more come June 30th, 2010. The students will be folded in to the Normandy school district, and the staff’s contracts will be terminated.

Wellston’s facilities are inadequate, its students have not made enough academic progress, its superintendent is retiring, its finances are stable but weak, there is little hope of more help from the state and this is the right time to try something new.

Bonneville: Advertising on the Rocks?

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 17:00:33 +0000

Did I just hear an advertisement for gin on the Bonneville (read: Mormon) owned 101 ESPN? Gin?! Are times really that tough, or did St. Louis try to slip one past the bishop?

…no, not that one. The Mormon Bishop.

Mister Squiggles as 99 Problems, but Sales Ain’t One

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 13:00:22 +0000

Every time a St. Louis has a hit on its hands, it gets knocked down on the national scene, like Imo’s or Ike Turner.

Take for instance Mister Squiggles. Every Christmas season needs an “it” toy and every year, some bastards try to take it down. Why you gotta hate?

The maker of Zhu Zhu Pets, one of the hottest-selling toys of the holiday season, defended its product after a consumer Web site said one of the robotic hamsters carries high amounts of a dangerous chemical.

Ameren to Try Walking on Sunshine

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 18:00:44 +0000

You know all the beautiful sunshine we’ve been getting lately? Oh right. Probably a bad time for this press release to come out.

Ameren Corp. has planned their first solar power projects in St. Louis, Mo. and Illinois. This is a big step, as the company currently generates 85 percent of its power from coal, 10 to 15 percent from nuclear and a few watts from methane and hyrdoelectric sources.

Jack Dorsey: First Twitter and Now Square!

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:00:42 +0000

St. Louis native and creator of the freakishly popular social network Twitter has been promising something new from his brain for a while now. Today the big black sheet was pulled off the shiny new website for that idea: Square.

Today the Square team is focused on bringing immediacy, transparency, and approachability to the world of payments: an inherently social interaction each of us participates in daily. We’re starting with a limited beta and rolling out to everyone in early 2010.

Charter is Almost Out of Bankruptcy, Here Are Some Tips From Us

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:00:27 +0000

Remember like a year ago when Charter started the whole bankruptcy proceedings? Well now its almost over.

Charter Communications Inc. says a bankruptcy judge has confirmed its reorganization plan, clearing the way for the nation’s fourth largest cable TV operator to emerge from Chapter 11 in a few weeks.

Charter said the plan whittles its debt burden by about $8 billion, leaving $13 billion. Bondholders who agreed to swap their $8 billion of debt will end up owning nearly all of the post-bankruptcy company.

When You Account for the Season, the Cardinals Aren’t All That Cheap

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:00:02 +0000

The whole point of this post over at subtraction.com by Khoi Vinh was to invalidate the “Yankees bought a championship!” argument, and although an interesting read, not really something that this blog gives a crap about. However, in the data he pulled something interesting did pop up that related to St. Louis and our National League Central champ Cardinals.

Vinh pulled the revenue each team made in 2008 and the payroll for the team in the 2009 season and compared the “investment rate” that the team operated on for the 2009 season along with their final record.

Pfizer to Cut 600 Jobs, Everyone Left to Get Two Offices!

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:00:37 +0000

Today Pfizer, which houses its research facility in the Chesterfield valley, announced that it would chop 600 of the 1,000 St. Louis jobs.

Damn dude.

Employees learned of the news at 11 a.m. today as Pfizer announced changes that will result in a R&D square-footage footprint that is 35 percent smaller.

The move comes as something of a shock since Pfizer only recently invested $250 million for new buildings and labs on its sprawling Chesterfield campus. Earlier this year Pfizer CEO Jeff Kinder dropped in for the facility’s dedication ceremony.

When is Too Early For Christmas Music?

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 13:00:23 +0000

We’ve been through this all before…

Last year it was MOVIN 101.1 that finally had the life-support plug pulled on it and switched to Christmas music in October, and now its 100.3 KATZ thats flipping the switch to Christmas music a little earlier than we all would prefer. So two years in a row, the majority of St. Louisan’s are left scratching our heads as to why on earth you would want to play Chrismas music this early.

Dirt Cheap vs Fred’s Cheapo Depot

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:00:34 +0000

Fred has moved on, and if you want to know the details of his split from the Dirt Cheap conglomerate, check out the article that has so much detail you will forget why you cared about this and leave half way through on STLToday.

What we at Punching Kitty want to know is:

Which commercial do you prefer?

The classic Dirt Cheap:

or the new Fred’s Cheapo Depot:

I know the Cheapo Depot is just starting out, but there’s something about the delivery that makes me think he is excited enough about the change to be able to really make some super horribly fantastic commercials in the near future.

Apparently Honks Count for Congressional Votes Now

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:00:01 +0000

If you happen to drive around St. Louis at all today, you no doubt saw tons of people that either don’t have important jobs or jobs at all, manning the street corners with signs like “Honk for Health Care”, “Christians for Health Care”, “Honk so I don’t feel so alone.” or “I think this is doing something.” [Editor’s Note: The last 2 might have been made up. We can’t remember all the different signs we saw today.]

WIL Jocks Make More Than Arch Jocks

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:00:54 +0000

Saw this little note over on fellow gossip maven site STLMedia:

Even though they are both owned by Bonneville, on-air folks at WIL make much more money than those at #1 WARH.

Maybe AFTRA affiliation is good for something, but you can bet there’s some chafing at WARH.

So maybe this is surprising to some people, it wasn’t here. Yes, its true our fair editor has a connection to radio parent company Bonneville as he was previously an employee, but that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t take much thought to figure out that 92.3 WIL is a personality driven station, just look at the marketing. 106.5 the Arch however is just the opposite. Sure they have great talent on there, but its not the focus, the music is. The Arch didn’t get to #1 by pimping Van and Rick or Michelle Steele, they did it by creating a station you turn on when you get to your office and leave it on all day. It’s background music.

New Town Developer Files For Bankruptcy

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:00:35 +0000

Wait wait wait wait. You are telling me that in this totally awesome housing market, the maker of St. Charles County’s most famous compound, with all those shiny new houses, isn’t doing well?

Totally. Shocking.

Did you pick up on the sarcasm? We were laying it down pretty thick.

Oh but apparently there is spin good news. Don’t get me wrong, they are still totally going bankrupt, but apparently its the good kind or something:

Would Yadi Molina Skip an Autograph Event?

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 12:00:56 +0000

Steiner Sports Marketing think so and they Yadi’s little memory slip means he should pay them about $175,000. Which would be the $90,660 that they paid the Cardinals catcher to do the session and then another $84,340 for whatever.

Would our big eared Yadi skip out on an event he was already paid to do? Who knows, but we think a lawsuit like this is probably initiated because they have some pretty solid evidence.

Classical Music Station 99.1 Finds Jesus

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 12:00:59 +0000

After years and years of broadcasting classical music to St. Louis, KFUO-FM 99.1 has been sold and will transition to “JoyFM” to play the worst music ever: “Christian contemporary music”

From STLToday:

The Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod will sell its 61-year-old classical music station, KFUO-99.1 FM, to Gateway Creative Broadcasting, the LCMS and Gateway announced today, for $18 million plus $8 million in interest over a 10-year term.

Eye For an Eye: Missouri Taking Prisoner’s Left Behind Money

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 16:00:53 +0000

So here’s the scam: The state of Missouri arrests and jails people. Sometimes those people leave for whatever “unauthorized” reason, like prisoners that walk away from half-way homes or just those that just straight up escape…and when that happens, the State just takes the money they left in their prison bank accounts.

Is that right?

The Missouri Department of Corrections says “Yes!” but Auditor Susan Montee says “No!”

Call it the $1 million state bonanza, courtesy of escaped prisoners and halfway house walkaways.

Out of the Rubble of Jamestown Mall Comes “Lindbergh Place”?

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 12:00:08 +0000

On Friday a panel of experts on crappy malls or something recommended that Jamestown Mall should be bulldozed and use the space for a “town center” with retail shops and restaurants, which to us, sounds like a mall without a roof…or a strip mall. Good idea.

The panel is currently calling their concept for the new development “Lindbergh Place” a mixed use town center complete with everything from shops and restaurants to YMCA’s and parks.

At this point the Planning Director Donna Lewis says the mall property is so outdated that it doesn’t make sense to even reuse the current structures. She said the best option would be to simply level the mall and start over.

Doug Duckworth vs Paul McKee

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 19:00:26 +0000

Paul McKee is a big developer that wants to buy up and transform North St. Louis with a little help from public funds, Doug Duckworth is the 24 year old voice behind the blog “Random Talk on Urban Affairs,” but together they are the North St. Louis Odd Couple!

One wants to get millions of dollars of public funds to help his project, the other…well, he doesn’t.

One likes video taping public meetings, the other quits when he notices the video camera.

Banned T-Shirt Means Big Business For Shop

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 12:00:42 +0000

You may have recently heard that Sedalia’s School District is run by spineless morons, well stories that stupid tend to grow legs on the internet and according to The Riverfront Times, the little T-Shirt Shop that created the shirt is now overrun with orders for the banned nerd-art.

Last week one of the owners of the shop told the RFT’s sister paper in Kansas City that the T-shirts have sold like hot cakes thanks to the online popularity of the ban.

Republican Kids to Get a 5-Day Weekend?

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 12:00:33 +0000

According to our tipster and the link they sent us to the DailyKos.com, thats what St. Louis’ favorite perma-fired up, republican, Dana Loesch pundit is trying to make happen with a recent mass email. Why? Apparently some black guy is going to break in to the school and try and talk to her kids.

Snippets from her e-mail:

President Obama’s Address to Students Across America September 8, 2009…

Marlene Davis Isn’t A Fan of Midtown Alley, But Loves 3am Drinking

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 16:00:58 +0000

We hear that Alderwoman Marlene Davis of the 19th ward is trying her damnedest to put the breaks on the Midtown Alley September 26th event. Why? Because she has an axe to grind with developer Jassen Johnson who has been renovating the “Midtown Alley” and at one point opposed Davis as she tried to get the club EXO to get a 3am liquor license. EXO got their 3am license after all, but Davis still has her Johnson voodoo doll and she thinks that shutting down an event that, as we see it, can only help St. Louis is the best way to get back at Johnson.

Sedalia, Missouri’s School District is Run By Spineless Morons

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 19:00:14 +0000

If you graduated from Sedalia, Missouri’s school district, you are probably a moron. I’m just playing the odds here. Why? Well because apparently this wacky thing called science and specifically evolution isn’t cool enough to even be mentioned on a freaking t-shirt, let alone taught!

T-shirts promoting the Smith-Cotton High School band’s fall program have been recalled because of concerns about the shirt’s evolution theme.

St. Louis To Keep Sucking Until 2014

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 12:00:30 +0000

According to a new report on the St. Louis economy, we won’t return to the pre-recession job availability level until 2014.

The region will have lost 64,700 jobs, or 4.7 percent of its pre-recession total, by the time the local economy turns around in five years, according to a forecast released Monday by IHS Global Insight.

“While most areas will begin increasing employment again in 2010, it will be tepid, with only 118 metros crossing the 1,000-job mark next year,” IHS said. “Solid gains will not return for the majority of the country until 2011.”

Mr. Smith Gets Kicked Out of Jefferson City

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 19:00:32 +0000

State Senator Jeff Smith appears to be on his way out of office one way or another, and soon.

For those unfamiliar, Democratic Senator Jeff Smith has held is seat for the 4th district since 2007 after teaching at Washington University and University of Missouri St. Louis. Smith lost his first political bid in 2004 after being narrowly defeated by Russ Carnahan in the primary for the U.S. House of Representatives. In 2007, he made it out of the primary scrum and went on to win his current seat uncontested in the general election.

Stay Classy St. Louis: Health Care Fighting

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 19:00:23 +0000

St. Louis Health Care fights on YouTube:

Here’s an idea. Everyone needs to shut the hell up and lets have a conversation like adults.

Morons on both sides are yelling at kids, telling them to “get a job” (college is a job), taking swings at old ladies and constantly talking over each other like five year-olds. God you people suck.

Oh Crap, the Mayor is Reading

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 12:00:00 +0000

We checked the Punching Kitty inbox last night and found this:

Welcome to the party Mayor Slay!

There’s some beers in the cooler, pull up a lawn chair and have yourself a read.

We will graciously accept any advisor role you would like to bestow on us.

Call me: 314-266-8477

The Missouri Supreme Court Thinks We are Stupid

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 15:00:11 +0000

The Missouri Supreme Court is apparently mulling over a law that would require all advertisements for lawyers to include the statement:

“The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely upon advertisement.”

You know, because if not, I was totally gonna.

Here’s how it would work if the law passes for each type of ad (from STLToday.com and the Missouri Board of Governers):

Bonneville Employees Take a Salary Cut

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 20:28:27 +0000

In a press release from Bonneville Radio (who locally owns 101 ESPN, WIL 92.3 and 106.5 The Arch), emphasis mine:

In response to sustained, slow economic indices and market conditions that are producing below-projected revenues industry-wide, Bonneville International today announced to its employees a series of cost-reducing measures designed to trim operating expenses while at the same time continuing to produce high-quality products for its audiences and clients. Among those measures implemented are salary reductions for its higher-paid employees, adjustments to vacation accruals and carryovers, elimination of company-participation health club memberships, and a reduction of holiday remembrances for employees.

St. Charles County Ambulance Board Members Know How to Party

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 15:00:26 +0000

Dan McLaughlin (right) is quite the St. Charles County Ambulance Board Member.

For one, he shares the name of the Cardinals TV broadcaster.

For two, he looks like Jack Nicholson’s love child with Eddie Munster.

For three, this one time he got drunk and drove around in his car.

For four, this other time he got drunk and drove around in his car.

For five, this other other time, he got drunk and drove around in his car.

Dude Works for McDonald’s for 20 Years and Gets a Dumb Cake

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 13:00:33 +0000

Gary Hemminghaus, 40 a year old who suffers from Down syndrom, has worked at a Hazelwood McDonalds for 20 years. 20 years. A McDonald’s. 20 years. Yeah, Down syndrom, but still. 2o years!

From the Post Dispatch:

“Gary makes work fun,” said his boss, Sadie Travis. “He gets along with everyone, and his attitude really picks you up.”

Hemminghaus has Down syndrome, and when he was hired, his job trainer told him he would be a productive worker if he could prepare just one sandwich. Instead he learned how to make all the lunch items.

Local ISP UVerse Blocking Access to 4Chan.org

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 13:00:23 +0000

According to both a TechCrunch report, and confirmations from local sources, it appears that AT&T’s internet service, dubbed “UVerse” is blocking access to one of the biggest, and craziest internet message boards 4Chan.org (specifically they are blocking access to img.4chan.org, where all the content is held) as of last night.

For those that don’t know, 4chan.org is the home base and originator of many of the web’s favorite memes like LOLCats and the infamous Rick Roll (our favorite meme to come out of 4chan is the lesser know “Zach Braff Quotes“) 4chan.org is also the meeting place for the online mob of Anonymous, who is famously entwined in a battle with the pseudo-religion Scientology. Other than the 1984-esque insanity of blocking a website, it would be particularly dumb for AT&T to do anything that would incur the wrath of Anonymous. In fact, it looks like the uprising is already brewing, check this out: twitter.com/4chan4ever

Clayton Bans Smoking, University City Complains Clayton Used to Be Cool

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 12:00:55 +0000

Tuesday night, while everyone was watching the National League lose for the 13th year in a row, Clayton’s government was at work banning smoking in all public places.

…kinda. You can smoke inside, if you operate a cigar bar or tobacco shop, or are in one of the 20% of hotel rooms that can still allow it, and of course patios.

Maida Coleman Finds Way Around Pesky Primaries

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 17:00:50 +0000

Maida Coleman has submitted her signatures and if they are verified, she will be in the St. Louis Mayoral race as an independent candidate despite her long affiliation with the Democratic Party? She says its because there is already a Coleman on the ballot in March, but you know she just had a big Christmas card list and a loop-hole in the system.

Today, Coleman submitted about 1,000 names, well beyond the 526 required to gain ballot access.

Post Dispatch Uncovers Towing Scandal During Mardi Gras

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 20:00:14 +0000

Over the past eight months, the Post-Dispatch has revealed controversial ties between the police department and St. Louis Metropolitan Towing: perks given to the police chief’s daughter, questionable tactics used to gouge vehicle owners and hundreds of thousands of dollars the company kept from taxpayers.

But the relationship proved most lucrative during one day each year: Mardi Gras’ major parade day.

That was from the article in the Post Dispatch about the apparently many-layered scheme that originated from recently ousted Police Chief Joe “I keep looking dirtier every day” Mokwa.

March 3rd Mayoral Primary Race Warming to Room Temperature

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:00:45 +0000

Driving around the other day I saw a “Reelect Slay” sign, which of course means its that time again! The Demacratic Mayoral Primary is on March 3rd and Slay squares off against former Alderman and former second-fiddle to Slay in the last election, Irene J. Smith….oh and some one else, but seriously…who cares? The fact I even know Smith is running is because of an article in the Post about how bad ass Mayor Slay is with his campaign and because “she” started following my personal Twitter account!

Confirmed: Charter to File For Bankruptcy

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 21:53:18 +0000

Charter, everyone’s favorite St. Louis cable monopoly, has filed for bankruptcy. From STLToday.com:

Cable operator Charter Communications Inc. says it will file Chapter 11 bankruptcy reorganization documents by April 1.

As part of an agreement with debt holders, they will be paid in full and Paul Allen will maintain the largest voting interest in the company.

In a stark contrast to Monopoly rules, Charter will continue its “service” after filing for and throughout the bankruptcy process.

Mayor Slay Praises Reed For Red Light Camera Changes

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 17:00:12 +0000

Starting shortly after the bill reaches Mayor Slay’s desk, traffic lights that have red-light cameras will be required to have a sign at the intersection stating the cameras are in use there. Previously the signs were just posted at the border of the county or city where the cameras were used. Says the Mayor: [permalink]

Aldermanic president Lewis Reed has – very sensibly – closed a loophole in the City’s ordinance authorizing automated traffic camera systems. Red-light cameras work best when motorists know about the cameras.

Are Office Parties the Secret to Keep Employees Happy These Days

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 14:00:41 +0000

When the economy is rough, raises stop, trips get canceled, bonuses are clamped and those types of things generally make the average worker sad. So what’s a company do to? From what we hear, many in St. Louis are turning to cheap office “parties”.

Step 1: Think of reason for party.

Step 2: Buy some food.

Step 4: Happy employees

Step 5: Profit!

We aren’t sure how well this works, but for the record, its better than not having free lunch. I don’t know if I’m so happy I’ve forgotten about the other things that have been dropped from the Company Perk Menu, but eh…better than not having a job, although a bit ironic that the ones that still have jobs get free food.

Pictures of One Crazy Day at Denny’s

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 14:00:57 +0000

The creatively named STLToday blog “Pictures” has some great shots of the craziness at a local Denny’s with that “Free Grand Slam” deal they threw out at the Super Bowl.

The minute they announced that, I just felt that every Denny’s employee let out a collective “Shit!” Seems to me they should have waited later in the game so as to not ruin their Super Bowl.

Laclede Gas is Doing Just Fine Thanks

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 18:00:09 +0000

If you live in reach of Laclede Gas and you pay their rates you’re going to love this. I mean you’re really going to love this!

From BizJournals.com article “Laclede Q1 profit up 50%” [emphasis mine]:

Laclede Gas, the company’s core unit, saw its earnings rise 2.5 percent to $16.2 million in the recent quarter. The company attributed the increase to higher income from natural gas sales due to colder weather and higher surcharge revenue, offset by higher operating expenses and investment losses.

AmerenUE Has Good Timing With their Rate Hikes

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 22:00:28 +0000

Its snowing, its cold and whether or not you have gas or electric heat we are all using lots of energy these days so AmerenUE says “Yup, time to get the rate hike approved!” and it was all tied up and then that last Missouri regulator said “Um yeah sure…we aren’t going to come in today it’s snowy! Approved!”

The average AmerenUE residential customer will pay about $5.88 more a month for electricity, under a rate increase Missouri regulators approved Tuesday.

The Pageant’s Website Really Sucks

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 21:00:06 +0000

Let me start off with this. I’ve met Joe Edwards a few times now. He’s awesome. He’s done a lot of good for St. Louis and the Loop specifically. He sells one of the best hamburgers in the world at Blueberry Hill. …and his website for the Pageant sucks.

I’m not sure when they redesigned this, but I hope it wasn’t long ago because knowing something like this existed in the world for longer than a few days makes me scared and nervous like Sigourney Weaver with the Alien running around her ship.

Wanna Buy the Naming Rights for Your Kid’s High School Gym?

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 21:00:40 +0000

Thats the question that a lot of local schools are asking and others are asking if its kosher to sell the naming rights of a school building like we do stadiums and hospital buildings.

From The Post Dispatch’s recent article on the subject:

…school districts still worry that they need to lay out guidelines so they’re not caught unprepared for potentially inappropriate naming requests.

Those concerns have, in part, prompted at least seven area school districts to pass or revise policies in the past year that define the limits and specifics of naming rights.

The Hits Keep Coming: Charter Fined By FCC

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 13:00:17 +0000

So our buddies at everyone’s favorite St. Louis based cable company, Charter, didn’t play nice when the FCC tried to look in to some complaints against them and now they are being fined and getting their finger wagged at them by them by outgoing FCC chief Kevin Martin.

From bizzjournals.com:

The FCC is examining a practice of transferring analog channels to a more expensive digital tier, which prompted 600 complaints, according to a letter Monday to congressional leaders from outgoing FCC Chairman Kevin Martin.

Charter Close to Filing for Bankruptcy!

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 02:04:57 +0000

2009 is going to be the best! I, like most of St. Louis, hate Charter with a passion. Well, let me re-phrase. I don’t hate them, its just that they treat their customers like shit, and I know they’ve done a little bit to help that recently, but the damage has been done and its too little too late. I would love to like them, but it just doesn’t look like its going to happen…especially since they are this close to filing for bankruptcy!

Is ClearChannel Clearing House Tomorrow Along With the Bush Family?

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 01:46:45 +0000

According to StlMedia.net (who refuses to have proper blogging software and thus has no permalinks to correctly link to) and the New York Post, ClearChannel, the radio company that in St. Louis operates z107.7, 93.7 The Bull, Majic 104.9, KLOU 103.3 and 100.3 The Beat, is planning a large “reduction in force” which is the new cool executive way to say “lay offs.” Doesn’t it sound much better?

From the New York Post: