Being too drunk is usually a problem but sometimes, particularly in St. Louis, it’s a great thing. For example, it’s the only way to get really excited about going to City Diner. It makes you completely unaware of stabbings, and not in just the Dateline Mystery “No, I don’t remember stabbing my wife…” kind of way.

Police are investigating the possible stabbing of a middle-aged man after his sister noticed several lacerations on his body Saturday night.

His sister noticed? Was the guy dead?

The victim’s sister tells police that she found the 57-year-old sitting on the front porch of their residence in the 3100 block of Henrietta around 10:05 p.m.

Sitting?

The woman advised her brother to come inside and lie down.

What? He was sitting, conscious, on the porch but his sister discovered the stabbings?!

When she took off his jacket and shirt, she reportedly observed lacerations on the victim’s chest, neck and back.

According to police, the victim was extremely intoxicated and unaware of his injuries.

This is a good message for the kids of St. Louis: You’re going to be stabbed, you just are, so just make sure you’re drunk when it happens and you won’t even notice being stabbed in your chest, back and neck(!).

The victim was unable to provide any details of the incident.

You don’t say.

Our drunken hero is in an area hospital recovering from his injuries and dealing with a pretty crazy hangover. In the meantime, we’re going to try and get the phrase “stabbed in the neck drunk” in to the area’s common vernacular.

Girl: “Wow what happened last night?”

Guy: “Well you got pretty hammered.”

Girl: “Oh shit, did I git stabbed in the neck drunk?!”

Guy: “Not sure, but I stabbed you other places and you definitely never noticed.”

via KMOV