The St. Louis Police Department wants to take a moment to remind you that you live in a city so crime-ridden that you can’t even leave packages on your doorstep anymore without them being stolen. In fact, if you see a package on your doorstep, don’t go get it! It’s a probably a trap. When you open it a guy will pop out and stab you. Sure that box looked like it only had a single book it in, but that’s just what they wanted you to think.

The [advisement came] on heels of three alleged incidents where packages were stolen from front porches in the Shaw neighborhood in South St. Louis. All three incidents allegedly occurred within the last month.

Just three?! We’ve heard from three different people this week who have gotten packages stolen, though it would make sense that this would be a horribly under-reported crime.

Police recommend people who will not be home at the time the package will be delivered to ask the delivery company to hold the package at its location. Authorities also suggest that someone expecting a package should not leave a note on the door telling the driver where the hiding place for the package is.

Good tips. Here’s more:

1. You also probably shouldn’t leave any notes on your door at all. No matter what you wrote, it all ends up looking like “I’m not home. Please rob me.”

2. If you get a lot of things ordered in, think about getting an apartment in St. Charles County for deliveries.

3. Figure out when your neighbors are getting something shipped and order something smaller that same day. Sorry Mrs. Leightner, but it’s dog eat dog during the holidays.

4. Can we get Amazon to start writing things like “It’s a freaking book! We both know you can’t read!” on the outside of their packages?

5. Consider moving to a city where you can get a freaking package delivered.

via KMOV