Ladies form a line! This “aspireing entrapanuer” is looking for an “adventurous, intelligent, attractive and well spoken to be my live in secretary/ personal assistant”…basically he’s got a busy schedule, needs some help, and would also like to have sex with you. Truly a golden opportunity.

We’re going to break down this epic Craigslist post, but before we begin we want to be clear that there aren’t enough “[sic]”s in the world for this post. All spelling mistakes are his and they are amazing. Writing this bad is usually reserved for ransom notes cut from magazines, which makes sense considering the proposal on the table, but how did it get on Craigslist then? We’ll never know. It’s all part of the legend.

Lets begin.

What I need is someone to be a very involved part of, and eventually maybe partner in what I’m doing. That can add somethings that are missing to my business, life and household.

Translation: I need you to partner your vagina with my penis.

I should start by saying that I’m looking to do this on an exchange basis as my business is in a semi profitable up and comeing growing position that doesn’t really permit me to pay cash for what I’m trying to find. I instead am trying to find someone who can contribute to what I’m doing in exchange for room and board, food, occasional entertainment and possibly my affection.

Translation: …for no pay. Enjoy that “occasional” entertainment though! Feel free to call it “health care” if that helps you.

So what’s the job again?

Honestly my biggest need is someone to drive my son back and forth to school. Aside from that I would ask u to help me manage my affairs related to work, business, and my household. Mainly acting as a walking schedule book to keep my on track as to the nesecary logistics of all I have going on.

Well that doesn’t sound too horrible…

And hopefully to provide me with fufilling companionship as well.

Never mind.

How are you so busy?

I work a day job with overtime 6 days a week. Am trying to run and expand my business. My business is a combination of auto repair and construction which I’m trying to evolve into being a transmission shop and a towing outfit. Have 2 children. And own rental property.

A good family man…

Not to mention that most nights of the week I either go out drinking or try to go out and do something.

Never mind.

Any personal interests? You’re probably a serial something or other…

My personal interests include 420,

Naturally.

…traveling, old cars (I have a couple projects), going out drinking, art, music (I play guitar and used to give lessons), love cheesy old horror movies, the outdoors, reading, urbex (organized trespassing) history, and good conversation to list a few.

Shhh, don’t say any more. A night of good drunken conversation about your latest organized trespassing adventures and horror movies while Skynyrd blares in the background is worth all of the no pay and benefits in exchange for following you around and being your girlfriend!

But wait! You never listed the description of your ideal secretary/girlfriend/babysitter!

Women of all ages and races are welcome to reply just be over18 and not old enough to be my grandma.

It’s good that you’re not picky.

Looking for someone who is trustworthy, reliable, semi professional, semi respectable, free spirited, open minded, inteligent and attractive.

…yeah you’d hate to get someone that’s any more than “semi” respectable. It would totally ruin your whole business venture that is definitely not…unretarded.

Shut it down Craigslist. Never gonna get any better than this one.

via Craigslist and possibly a comedic genius, or a horribly diluted gentleman.

Update: The post has been pulled, here’s a screenshot: