Sometimes it feels like all we do is cover stories about crime in the city and in the Metro East…which is probably because we do, and probably because there’s lots of it. Like “Aretha Franklin boob skin” a lot.

While we love being arbitrarily unfair at times, we do like being fair most of the time and so it’s far past time for us to flip through the St. Charles County “Incident Report” that the Post Dispatch puts together for probably the very same reason.

On May 27th, some kids got caught breaking in to school after hours. While there was evidence that they did enter the school, nothing seemed the be harmed. This pretty much never happens in the city unless the kids are using the chem lab to make meth, or they are keeping their kidnap victim in the gym.

On May 29th, a 3 foot tall lawn status of the Virgin Mary was reported missing. This is really not at all surprising, and Mary will probably be found on the Landing really hung over wearing a hospital wrist band and the faint memory of at least three possible baby daddies, just like the rest of the St. Charles virgins that go missing.

Also on May 29th, an older woman reported seeing a naked girl swimming in the neighbor’s above ground pool with a possibly also naked gentleman. When the police arrived, the neighbors were found to be out of town and the mysterious couple long gone. The other neighbor’s 13 year old son now really hates that old bitch that called the cops.

Now, just for fun, lets find something from the city for comparison:

Two men were charged in connection with the shooting of a man and a 10-year-old boy in the 4400 block of Lexington Avenue on Friday evening.

Gooooo St. Louis!

via STLToday (x2) and our own Mayor Slay Meme