There’s a “Peeping Tom” terrorizing South City neighborhoods creeping outside people’s windows and hanging out in alleys furiously jacking it. Even worse, he’s dying for that eye-contact.

The man has been spotted several times in the 7600 block of Virginia Street performing a solo sex act.

Residents say the man would stand outside people’s windows performing a sex act on himself, and those residents say has been happening for weeks.

The suspect is described as a tall man in his 30s who usually wears a baseball cap. Residents say he peeps in their windows waits to make eye contact.

The best part of this write up is that KMOV likes to type the word “residents” about as much as they don’t like to type the word “masturbates”. Here’s how they worked around it:

…performing a solo sex act.

…performing a sex act on himself

…doing this

Well played. We weren’t 100% sure what you are referring to there, but he was either “romancing the bone” or blowing himself, and we’re eliminating the later as it’s a myth and made us hurt our neck in the process one fateful afternoon. Throw in the cost of the tennis racket we had to buy to make our injury excuse even remotely believable and…well long story short: Had to get a girlfriend.

As for the “Peeping Tom”, being city residents, most people are probably just scared for a little at first when they glance down the alley and think he’s an old-timey mugger bending over and loading one of those old muskets…but then they realized he’s moaning a lot more than anyone did in the movie the Patriot and they relax. Today isn’t their day to die! It’s just a dude spanking the monkey in an alley, and while geting shot with the “wadding” in that gun is gross, you’ll live. Such is life in St. Louis.

Oh and if the police need some help looking for some creepy local that gets off on any kind of attention no matter how horrible, we’d start with a few members of the sports media and various radio talk jocks.

via KMOV