The Cardinals haven’t had a game broadcast by the fat, large-foreheaded, bad-suited ESPN figure-head Chris Berman in a while, and even though Mike Shannon tries his best to ruin the Cardinal radio broadcasts, (He’s like your crazy uncle everyone thinks is cute when he hugs your girlfriend for too long and moans.) Berman ruins the name of your favorite players like no one in the business. In the meantime, we can only pretend by making up long-form nicknames.
Here are our best imitation as to what Berman would call some of the more prominent Cardinals:
1. Albert “I’m playing like Poo” jols
2. Daniel De…”…uh…hold on, give me a second…shoot. I got nothin’.” scalso
3. Yadi “I sure could use a few Mo hits” lina
4. David “I better Freese because if I move I hurt myself”
5. Adam “Back in high school there was this guy named Wain. He was a pretty good guy, seemed nice enough, though I never really hung out with him much, and I’m pretty sure he was kinda stupid. I think he went in to the Army or something and I actually don’t remember him at graduation now that I think about it. So long story short, I heard a few years back that he got in some accident and it was in the paper and my mom was like ‘Don’t you know this guy?” and I was like ‘Yeah.’ and then she was like he was like “You guy’s always hung out right?” and, you know mom’s, I’m all like “No!”. I never did hear, but I’m sure he’s all” wright “Oh, yeah he played baseball.”