Perhaps you’ve heard of the popular video and Twitter account “Shit Girls Say“, and if so you’re certainly aware that it spawned a whole series of “Shit [Some Subset of the Human Race] Say” videos which all suck so hard watching them is like someone took a spike, put it in their butt just a little bit, then stabbed us in our brain through our eye and swirled it around. That being said, people are still making them and the joke just won’t die. Hell local radio station The Bull put out their “Shit St. Louisans Say” video so late it the game it didn’t even remind us of a turd, but rather one of those little aftershock turds at the end and stick to your butt making you do a little wiggle dance to shake off.

This “joke” that everyone thinks they are good at is so horrible it must me stopped. What we need is some unfortunate looking woman in a wool cap to take this to it’s final level where it’s not what a group of people say, but rather what she, a singular person,  says. That, and that alone, might be what it would take to kill this threat to our internet humor souls.

It figures she’d be from St. Louis:

Here’s some shit we say:

- It’s ok to think of what you want to say before you start recording.

- Why do people think that everyone in St. Louis says highway names over and over again? Are these conversations really happening? You’re life sounds boring, so outside and get stabbed!

- How far do we have to throw this pack of hot dogs for you to not be able to find your way back after chasing it down?

Update: Sweet christ, there’s another one! He said Schnucks (we think) and mentioned the Rams so this is so what St. Louis people say! People from St. Louis always call girls “baby” and boys “bro”, and we love to eat chips. We can’t even count how often we hear “How much for the abortion though?” (NSFW) while walking down the street! Man this guy has us pegged. We haven’t seen someone with such a firm grasp on the minutiae of human nature since Jerry Seinfeld.

(Watch out for this video, it has dirty language. Which is just what we say in St. Louis! We love dirty language!)

Mardi Gras weekend is in the books for another year, and whether you abstained from this year festivities or partook, but don’t remember, it’s ok, because cell phones and YouTube are here to help! Here a few of our favorite YouTube uploads from Mardi Gras weekend:

#3: The classic drunk girl that “needs” to get to a far away bar with her passed out friend

Don’t give them a ride! One, you know that passed out friend will puke the minute her ass hits your back seat and two, she “needs” to go to that bar to meet a guy…it’s always a guy…so that theory you’re working with right now where she gets there and is so grateful she touches your wiener, will not happen. We repeat: It will not happen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vezXWsiD5WI

#2: The inevitable dance off

You get enough people together and supply booze, costumes and feather boas and the chances of a dance off reach 100%, but being in Missouri, the chances of the dancers being any good, drops to around 6%. Good dancers, don’t do dance offs…only the weak ones that think they are great do. Thankfully, someone caught one on video, and it’s lameness didn’t disappoint.

They’re just lucky we weren’t there, we would have killed them. However, our dance offs always start late because we have to go around telling chicks that don’t want to be carrying our baby soon to back up. It’s not because we’re so good at dancing we might get your preggers…that’s ridiculous…it’s just that when we dance there ends up being a large amounts of seaman sprayed around. It’s the magic of the dance.

#1: Falling straight backwards is always funny

No one falls straight back. You see people fall forward, or to the side, but the straight back fall is a rarity and that’s probably why it’s so damn funny. The video’s a little hard to see, but seeing this unicorn of a fall really puts a bow on the whole weekend.

Another day, another “viral” laughing baby video on YouTube. The current baby is laughing because his dad ripped some paper in front of him (again) and he’s from St. Louis.

[Father, Marcus McArthur] says he’s finishing up his doctorate at SLU and applying for professor jobs.  When he received yet another rejection letter he ripped it in half and baby Micah started laughing uncontrollably, so he started ripping credit card statements and the sweet sounds of laughter continued.

…so they uploaded it to YouTube and then it happened: Alyssa Milano tweeted it! After that it was “viral”, proving, at last, who the boss is.

via KSDK

Update: Per the comments, the baby and his parents were also interviewed on Fox2 — Thanks Pat!

“John G” is a professional karaoke singer somehow. This is his story we found on YouTube.

He lives in St. Louis so it makes sense.

If you get that dumb-founded hypnotized feeling after watching the video it’s because of his crazy awesome dance moves…or because you just realized someone can be considered a “professional karaoke singer”.

via the Twilight Zone or something equally f*cked up but actually real.

This has little to do with anything other than it popped up on one of our random internet searches tonight for “St. Louis”: It’s a dude, shirtless, smoking some cigar with the name of St. Louis, on his couch. Five minutes long. Not a word.

Oh and he’s made nearly 2,000 more videos, just like this one!

We have no freaking clue what the point of any of this (pretty sure its probably a “sexy to someone” kinda deal)…but we felt like it was worth sharing.

(Video after the jump which we aren’t guessing you’re going to click through to see it, so we also include a photo of Natalie Portman making out with Jessica Alba while Darth Maul and the Easter Bunny have a lightsaber battle in the background.)

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We can’t get those 5 minutes back. No matter how hard we may want it, it’s just not going to happen. For the rest of our lives, we will always remember when we lost 5 minutes of our lives listening to what happens when a tourism commercial bangs elevator music and then that baby bangs a giant pile of dog crap and then that baby’s baby made a YouTube video about itself.

This video is somehow making the rounds as we have been sent this from a number of people in the last few days. For those that choose not to watch, it consists of a woman (above) singing to a packed house (read: empty) about how she gets the blues if she can’t be with “you” and then wants that mysterious person to “come on now” and meet her in “New St. Lou” where they can visit the Arch, and go look at fountains, you know, all the stuff people that who live here never ever do. The question remains though: What the hell is “new” about St. Louis? Not sure. We don’t think they were worried about what that means as much as they were worried about name dropping every single suburban, sweater vest required activity in our fine city (Zoo, Botanical Gardens, the Hill, Grand Center…)

How does this compare to previous St. Louis anthems that have been brushed aside by us in the past? On the surface, there may not be much similar to past challengers (“The Worst Music Video Ever Was Shot in a St. Louis Condo’s Kitchen“, and “Former St. Louis Cop Makes His Entry to the Horrible St. Louis Music Video Contest“), but upon closer inspection there are a few key characteristics throughout all of these wannabe anthems:

1. Use of the shortened “Lou” name. They all think that “St. Louis” is far too long for everyday song use, and instead turn to calling our city “the Lou” or “St. Lou”. St. Louis, St. Lou, The Lou…The city of Saint Louis…The Lou. Ok it’s shorter and probably easier to rhyme, but is the “is” really worthy of being shortened? Two freaking letters you lazy bastards.

2. The need to cram in every single St. Louis establishment in order to prove their local connection. You know what? We get it. You’re from St. Louis. You don’t need to read off the whole Wikipedia page to prove that your song is about St. Louis.

3. White chicks. Each of these videos had a white chicks featured on screen at some point. What?! We can notice that.

4. They are all horrible. Not sure if this trait was on purpose. Maybe that can be St. Louis’ thing! “Hey we make crappy anthems for ourselves and stab each other for our belongings. Is that your car? Nice. You just going to park it on the street right there. Perfect. See it…I mean you…later.”

Full video after the jump!

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