On Monday, St. Louis’ very first female Postmaster went to work. Nancy Fryrear became the city’s 36th Postmaster when she stepped in to her office and did…I mean I guess she like got some coffee and then…geez.

…what does a Postmaster do again?

She will oversee the collection and delivery of mail to the 490,000 business and residential customers in the 631 ZIP code area. Her area of responsibility includes 28 stations and branches, 16 finance units and nearly 1,800 employees.

Ah. Gotcha.Keeping track of the snail mail huh? Make sure those dry cleaning coupons for places we didn’t know existed are getting to where they need to. *wink* Thank god we got this post nailed down!

“Hey us ladies need some official sounding job! We’re important and stuff!” Ok little lady…how’s about you take this job keeping track of this service that people rarely use for anything they want and when they do they get all pissy about it and bitch the whole time. Sounds perfect for the ladies!

We also hear that Nancy’s job is to make pies for the other departments that have important stuff to do. Ok…we took it too far didn’t we? Sorry.

We don’t mean any of this ladies, its just that when you don’t have our dinner ready we get cranky.

via St Louis Business Journal

St. Louis’ professional women’s soccer team closed up shop seemingly out of nowhere Thursday.

English brothers Heemal and Sanjeev Vaid, the money men behind both teams, abruptly yanked their backing in recent weeks although contracted to fund the clubs through the 2011 season.

Athletica players were told Thursday that will be on their own as free agents effective June 1.

Be honest. How many of you reading this even knew this team existed? 40? 4? It doesn’t matter. It’s the United States, soccer teams fold. It’s just the way it is here. In fact you can always look to the league as a whole and see how their react to find out if this is really a big deal.

The league said that St. Louis’ games would count in the standings and that a revised schedule would be released next week. Athletica players will be eligible for the WPS All-Star Game if they find another WPS employer by June 11.

Well that was simple. Even had dates ready and everything. “What’s that? Oh the Athletica collapsed? Ok. Just tell the other 4 teams they have to just play each other now.”

We took to the streets to find out why St. Louis, despite being a “soccer town”, couldn’t find time to support their local women’s soccer team and how owners could make their sport more of a product they would buy in to. The number 2 suggestion? Replace all the women with men. #1? Play something other than soccer.

Our research says two guys hitting each other in the face with 2×4′s would draw a bigger crowd than women’s soccer. Our suggestion? We think women’s sports are great and cheap shots like the stats we unveiled above really piss us off. We, for one, really love Foxy Boxing and…wait….do those tapes of blow job competitions count?

via Globe Democrat

Not sure if the sorta-thaw we had yesterday loosed up the frozen crazy, but in some crazy crap was going down in the Loop around lunch time.

First at the corner of Leland and Delmar we saw a 70+ year old woman land a punch on a van as it sped through the intersection.  I mean a punch too, nothing accidental.  A freaking punch.

Not more than an hour later, we saw a woman beat the living hell out of a “gentleman” over a video game.  After raining blows to the top of his head, ignoring his pleas to the contrary, she capped off the exhibition by hawking a little lung butter on the top of his head.

Now as if getting whooped by a girl on the street at noon wasn’t bad enough, he had to be watched from less than 2 feet away by a group of onlookers.  His only exclamation, repeated countless times, was simply “Hoes be trippin man!”

Indeed.

Found in the Missed Connections section of Craigslist: St. Louis

Dear Men of Saint Louis,

My existence on the same public sidewalk as you does not mean you are entitled to talk to me.

Do you need the time? I can do that. Do you need vague, inarticulate directions? I can definitely help. But, unless you are vaguely in my age range and honestly think that if we one day made babies they would be happy, healthy, and not dragged down to some mean attractiveness, you absolutely do not need my phone number. You do not need to tell me I’m pretty. You do not need to explain to me that you got out of that cop car on the corner because you need to arrest me for “looking so sexy.” You do not need to lie to me about some fictitious wife who is unable to satisfy your foot fetish needs, and you certainly do not need to touch MY feet.

Is this still unclear? Let me give you a few more guidelines.

Are you a better singer than anyone on my ipod? No? I probably don’t want to listen to you talk when I’m otherwise engaged in something that’s happily occupying my auditory channels. Are you an essay I must complete for my graduate degree? When I’m writing in a coffee shop, you are absolutely not worth my time. Am I on the phone? Are your fucking minutes free? I’m paying to talk to the person on the other end. I want to talk to them. Did you yell at me? Did I ignore you? Yes, I heard you. I also heard you when you came up next to me. I also heard you when you began yelling about getting my number. Consider my silence a tacit disapproval of your attention-speaking behavior.

I know how hard it is to get a girl to talk to you. I do. But me? I personally do not owe you anything just because you’ve been rejected before. My priority is always going to be watching over myself and if I’m ignoring you, it means I think you look shifty. Are you? I don’t fucking know, but I also don’t fucking care. Maybe you’re right. Maybe you’d be the love of my life. But, in my experience, funny, well-educated men who are aware of how unbearably stupid a person looks when they use “u” and “r” and “2” in written language don’t hold my feet or yell at me to give them my number. I can only talk to so many men, so please respect the fact that I’m playing the odds. Remember? Getting a graduate degree. I’m busy.

Love always,
A Saint Louis woman

So…um…anyone else thinking this broad must be pretty hot?

The one thing that really stands out in this is that someone is going around St. Louis touching women’s feet!

You do not need to lie to me about some fictitious wife who is unable to satisfy your foot fetish needs, and you certainly do not need to touch MY feet.

What can I say?  She’s inspired me.  I have a couple of letters I need to get off my chest:

Dear Foot Fetish Guy,

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but chicks don’t like that stuff.  Well some might, but I would wager that approximately 0% like it on the street from some random dude that followed them for 2 blocks building up the courage.

On the other hand, I do respect you for getting after it.  Sure your idea is beyond stupid, but you know what?  You thought it was a good one, probably the best plan you had, and you went for it!  Good for you dude.  Not many guys go there.  Most guys don’t go for the “right on the street” approach because we are shy, or nervous, but you shook those feelings off and with your loose grip on reality pushing you closer to her you took the big step, walked up, grabbed her feet and yelled at her about how she needs to give you her number.  Cheers buddy!

My one hope for  you though is that your “technique” never works.  If it does, you have successfully broken down eons of flirtation across bars and ages of sweaty palms from wooing.  Also, it would probably be your first step down the slippery slope to serial killer-land.

Yours truly,

Punching Kitty

—–

Dear Angry Probably Hot Chick,

You sound tense.  Ironically, you might just need a foot rub.

Call me.

xoxoxo,

Punching Kitty

Congratulations to St. Louis’ own full contact women’s football team on winning their league championship!

The St. Louis SLAM women’s full contact football team are now the champions of the Women’s Football Alliance for the first time in team history after a 21-14 victory over the West Michigan Mayhem last Saturday.  The undefeated SLAM traveled to Pan Am Stadium in New Orleans, LA, for a championship game showdown with the undefeated Mayhem, and they returned home to St. Louis with the championship trophy on board.  The SLAM finished a perfect 8-0 in the 2009 regular season and made their run to the championship with wins over Las Vegas, Jacksonville, and finally West Michigan.

Pop quiz:  Which one of these girls could play for the Rams?  Answer: All of them probably.

Here’s how it would go down if one of them tried out for the Rams:  At first the guys would all laugh at her and then once she made the team, they would turn very serious and start to be all dicks to her by making her eat lunch alone and knocking her down a stuff, except for one guy, but he wouldn’t really help her in public because he’s only the kicker and couldn’t take the heat.  Things would all change on the day of the big game though, when she came through with a huge play that left her hurt on the field.  When she manages to get up, everyone in the stand starts cheering and then the one Ram that was the meanest to her would slowly stand up and start clapping too, and then the rest of the guys would be all like “Damn, even Steven Jackson is clapping and he was a total dick to her.  I’ll clap now too.” and then everything would be awesome.

…or the first time they all hit the showers the would see her penis and accept her right away becuase she was a dude after all.

Either way.

The first one would probably make a longer movie though.

Via STLSlam1.com