A teenage girl sneaks her boyfriend in to her house only to be caught by her mom the next day! We’ll tell you about that unbelievable, totally newsworthy item, plus 21 minutes devoted to weather and a five min sportscast consisting of “Remember a little while ago when the Cardinals won the World Series? …that was awesome.” all coming up next on KMOV Channel 4 News!

News 4 Never Stops Watching Out For You…but today watching out for you was crazy boring. So if you want something better on tomorrow night’s news, do us a favor and shoot someone, get busted for something or do something up-lifting like get real fat and then run a marathon for kittens. Otherwise, reporting Dawson’s Creek story-lines as news is the best you’re gonna get.

The new slogan feels a tad long, but we’re loving the honesty.

Officer Rick Eckhard with the St. Louis County Police Department said the incident happened in the 17,000 block of Windsor Crest Boulevard.  According to reports, the mother went into the daughter’s room to retrieve a hamper from a closet.  When the mother opened the closet doors, a young man was inside.

Officer Eckhard said the boy had been at the home overnight and was hiding in the closet.  The daughter had already left for school.  Police arrived on the scene and arrested the young man.  The boy’s age is unknown and there is no word if he will be charged with anything.

Um…ok. Our guess is that was a 25% chance of a high-five going down in that squad car after they turned the corner and a 87% chance of giggling while the officer filled out the report. Other than that, there’s not much else going on here. What are we supposed to do with this?! Is there nothing else going on in this city!?!?

We hate for you to have to leave early though, so just stare at this until you think you’ve used up enough time on the site for today:

via KMOV

Here’s what we learned today: Drug test forging or “possession of a forging instrumentality” are felonies.  In more layman’s terms, trying to get past your court mandated drug-checking urine test by purchasing a fake penis filled with fake piss can get you in a lot of trouble.

According to paperwork filed in St. Louis County Circuit Court, Eric A. Throckmorton, 29, of the 16200 block of Port of Nantucket in the Grover area of Wildwood, was charged earlier this month with one count each of forgery and possession of a forging instrumentality. Both are Class C felonies.

Throckmorton, who has a totally bitchin’ last name, used a “Whizzinator” to pull off his failed attempt at fooling the government.

Officials allege he filled a Whizzinator device with clean urine for the purpose of passing the sample off as his own during testing on Aug. 10.

…and just what is an “Whizzinator”? Well, for one, it’s the most “realistic prosthetic in the market”, and for the record we added the neon pink smily face. We just thought it added that little bit of “Yup, it’s Monday morning and you are definitely looking at the tip of a fake penis at work. Have a great day!”

The Whizzinator “Whizz Kit” comes with 1 syringe, 1 synthetic urine pack, 4 heat packs and 1 fake penis in your choice of shade (white, tan, latino, brown, black). There don’t seem to be any size options so think of this as a free upgrade for those of you ordering the white one, and a downgrade for those ordering the black package. You can get yours at thewhizzinator.com (NSFW) for any drug tests you feel the need to take, but aren’t important to just stop doing drugs for a day or two ahead of time, so instead you’d rather end up getting caught with a fake dick in your hand. Unfortunately you already missed the Black Friday sale they were having, as advertised in “High Times” magazine. (Everything in that last sentence is 100% true. Which is so totally weird/awesome/something the intern at your office constantly rocking that hemp necklace already knew.)

via STLToday (Seriously. Marlon Walker wins for getting “penis” in an STLToday headline…but did he realized that the graphic they used was, upon closer inspection, a hand holding a scale of justice, not the more story appropriate dick with low-hanging balls? We’ll never know. )

We took a little unscheduled break on Friday, and apparently we can’t ever do that again as the minute our guard was down Nelly got robbed!

Police said Nelly, who’s real name is Cornell Haynes, Jr., was not home at the time, but three other people were there. The suspect grabbed a backpack full of electronics and was confronted by someone inside the home. The robber left the home with the backpack and got into a black GMC Envoy.

Police said the suspect had a mustache, glasses and was wearing a dark-colored hoodie.

First, the mystery of why Nelly wanted to go by Nelly…Cornell Haynes Jr?  Not very rapper-y!  Secondly, the crime wave of the guy in a dark hoodie continues unabated!

Here’s the thing though, this guy is a moron.  If you are going to take the effort of jumping over the Wildwood fence and the stones to break in to a house, why would you only break in to Nelly’s house and then only take video games?  What are you seven?  Nelly’s dogs are probably rocking diamond chains and all you got out of there is a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog for XBox3 360?!

If you were wondering, STLToday has the security camera video in case you can recognize splotchy guys in black and white footage.  If I was Nelly, I’d be pissed.  When the cops only move is to release the footage to the public is basically giving up.

“Well hell. We got nothing…does anyone else in the world have any ideas?” Awesome.