Unemployed Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has drug the pineapple through quite a number of ladies. First he got Jessica Simpson on her way down from being hot and famous, then he snagged Carrie Underwood on the way up, but now he’s decided the only goal line he wants to eternally scramble for belongs to is former 2008 Miss Missouri and Mizzou alum, Candice Crawford. (Here’s hoping we are the first site to make a football metaphor for her vagina! *fingers crossed*)

You might be interested in to what amazing journalism a Mizzoui grad working in the bustling Texas local news scene does…

Crawford, a former beauty queen, was Miss Missouri USA in 2008. The University of Missouri grad worked as a local news reporter in Texas and now co-hosts “The RC Project” with Roni Proter, a Dallas news show forecasting fashion trends.

Stay in school kids! …unless you’re pretty and then you can call any old stupid ass thing a job and then marry a rich athlete.

Candice also happens to be the kid sister of Gossip Girl star Chase Crawford [Editor's Note: No idea who that Chase guy is, but I want to nail his sister.], enjoyed a wedding at Arlington Hall with 600 of her closest friends and family.

Romo and Crawford’s out of town guests were provided with a welcoming gift bag orchestrated by celebrity party planner Todd Fiscus of Todd Events. Fiscus told Us the custom-made bag, bearing the couple’s initials, was filled with luxury treats including a Neiman Marcus gift card, assorted cookies, a mini-bottle of Champagne, chocolates, gourmet popcorn and Kiehl’s beauty products.

Nothing says “Texas Luxury” like assorted cookies.

Think about that Mizzou grads, amongst you was a future beauty queen that married a NFL quarterback and has a famous actor for a brother. All three recently spent a weekend looking fabulous, eating fancy assorted cookies. …oh we think we just heard your Easy Mac ding. Try not to dribble it up on your sweatshirt this time.

via MSNBC

I have no idea where Lexington, Missouri is and frankly I don’t want to know because a family was recently arrested there and…well…tell ‘em block quote:

Burrell Jr. of Independence, his three brothers, his father and an uncle have all been arrested. Their alleged victims have made allegations of years of rape and incest,

Dude.

[...] including mock weddings

Awww, dude.

[...] and claims that children were forced to kill a 300-pound man who had been kidnapped

Dude!

[...] and that a sex slave was confined in a crawl space.

Eh…can’t fault them there. I’m not sure where else you would put a sex slave.

Holy sh*t. That has got to be the most F-ed up family ever.  Look, lets not be naive, “rape and incest” happen enough in families, its not news…mock weddings though?  That’s like the rape version of twisting the knife.  Not only am I going to rape you, but we have to pretend like we are getting married first so you have to think about how I’m going to rape you while we do this imaginary wedding and then, I would assume, an imaginary reception.

I bet that father-daughter dance was awkward as hell!

via Globe Democrat

Remember the second string Rams QB that came in for Marc Bulger this year and did about as good?  No?  Well do you remember that hot moron that mistook the Miss America pageant as Larry King Live and decided to tell the world that one dude and another dude shouldn’t get married because apparently that actually effect her in some way.

Also, she’s hot, so because of that she has some valid points.

Scandal-laden beauty queen Carrie Prejean has gotten engaged to NFL stud Kyle Boller, E! News has learned exclusively. A source says that the two decided to make their whirlwind romance official Saturday in Prejean’s hometown of San Diego—where the Rams QB also has a house and spends time during the off-season.

The ex-Miss California, 22, began dating the 28-year-old U.C. Berkeley alum last July in the midst of her controversial rise to fame, which included anti-same-sex marriage lobbying, alleged sex tapes and a much-talked-about showdown with Larry King.

Jesus’ little messenger and the quarterback talent forgot are getting married!  How delightful and legal for them.  Can you imagine if two guys got married?  It would totally invalidate this marriage that won’t last more than 2 years.

Also, I hope she knows that you can’t get a single decent wedding arrangement made anywhere without having to schedule a meeting with a very very gay man at some point.  Good luck with that Carrie.

via E! Online

Of course you want your wedding day to be perfect, but guess what? Not gonna happen. Everyone has something weird or crappy happen. Admittedly, some are worse off than others, but its always something.

For instance our first whirlwind marriage with super model Heidi Klum (Don’t ask her about. She’ll pretend like she won’t know what you are talking about.) was totally ruined when I was arrested outside her, I mean our, bathroom window for just standing there with a locket of my future wife’s hair and all those photos of us…well they are just of her, but someone has to take the photo, with the telephoto lens, from my van. Anyway…

These two had their Reverend say the wrong name when he said “I now pronounce you…” That sucks. The Reverend feels stupid no doubt and everyone had a little chuckle. No big deal right? …of course not. Damn you Zigman!

Rev. Faires has performed weddings for 20 years through his business Anywhere Wedding Ceremonies. He has detailed logs showing the names of thousands of couples he’s married.

The personalized vows went well, so did the special ceremony where Brandi and Jason poured sand into a vessel to show their lives joining as one. Then came what should have been the pronouncement of Jason Ryder and Brandi Brown as husband and wife.

Instead, Revered Faires pronounced what sounded like James Nolte and Karen Ohm as husband and wife. Brandi’s head snapped towards the Reverend as she wondered who were “James” and “Karen.”

“Was absolutely dumfounded,” Brandi said. “Jason added,’This couldn’t be happening right here, right now.’”

The Reverend, of course, is the only sane one in this mess:

“Some people think the world revolves around me and they have illusions of grandeur. It has to be absolutely perfect. They want at $10,000 wedding for $50,” Rev. Faires said. “I should have proofread it before I said it but I didn’t and it’s regretful but when it happened before, people just laughed about it,”

The Reverend said he had no idea the Ryders were upset until NewsChannel 5 called. He immediately phoned the couple to apologize.

The Ryders have no plans to sue or ask for a refund. They just want people to know about their experience with Anywhere Wedding Ceremonies of Hazelwood.

“We felt our wedding was a train wreck,” Brandi said.

So many people to rage on for this…

Leisa Zigman clearly either doesn’t know what actual news is, doesn’t care, or physically can’t bring herself to report it. What a hack. Some crazy bridezilla thats bummed that her $80 wedding didn’t go 100% right is not news! Its not even close to news!

Speaking of the bride, what a crazy broad this is. I bet she’s a real joy at home. She gets some hate too in this because only someone as self-absorbed as her would think to call KSDK about something as lame as this. I really hope she called the other stations first and they all told her to go screw until she found the crazy ying to her batshit yang with Zigman.

Oh and the groom? Control your woman dude.

via KSDK