I think we all can agree the St. Louis’ monument the Gateway Arch certainly has some special powers. For example it’s pretty clear that thing is some how a super magnet for attracting street crime, crappy hockey goalies and cheesy tourist calendar photographers, but maybe there’s something else going on there…

The St. Louis Arch, a 636 ft. monument on the west bank of the Mississippi River, has stood for nearly forty years. It is a shining monument built to convey St. Louis’s role as the Gateway to the West. Only now has the reason for its construction as well as its true purpose been revealed.  It seems that some of the same scientists responsible for the doomsday weapon research in the deserts of the Southwest U.S. during the forties, were also interested in controlling the weather. They hoped to use weather control as a means to aid in troop movement and logistics for the Allies, as well as use it as a tactical weapon against the enemy. This, they hoped, would bring about a quick end to the war in Europe.

Thus, the design for the arch was conceived.

Ok, lets just slow it down here for a second there crazy. The government wanted to win World War II, so they decided the best way to do that was to:

1. Control the weather… (No one likes to march in the rain!)

2. …and they decided to build their weather controlling machine in the middle of the continental United States, instead of anywhere near Europe…

3. …and they decided to build it 20 years after World War II had ended?

Hmm.

Well this all checks out, so lets see what proof Professor Screwball has of our local weather manipulation device actually doing anything.

As storms roll across the plains of North America they cut a path of destruction. The midwest has a notorious reputation for severe and dangerous weather. Powerful thunderstorms, tornadoes, and severe ice and snowstorms pummel the area year round. But, for some odd reason, as these storm systems approach the St. Louis metro area; they seem to “split” in half. One half of the storm system will move to the north, while the other half will move the opposite direction; creating an area in the middle without any severe weather. This area in the middle, you guessed it, the St. Louis metro area. These storms then “rejoin” again over Illinois and Indiana, well past St. Louis.

We’ve had this the whole time and no one thought to turn down the f*cking heat this summer?!

You know what though, we have had a few storms smack around the city a bit. We certainly remember losing power a few times over the last 5 years. Could maybe, this be all bullshit?! Gee, we hope not. Finding something false on the internet could really hurt it’s credibility.

Does this happen every time, you may ask? The answer, put simply, is no.

Ah! Of course!

Obviously the device cannot be used frequently during business hours as many tourists are inside the arch, but also the ‘Powers that be’ use this device at their own discretion so as not to draw too much attention.

Naturally. Plus to activate the weather Arch you’ve got to solve the Pharaoh’s riddle, get past the Black Knight, fight off the giant spider from that creepy Punky Brewster episode, and then turn turn the two keys simultaneously before the cursed skeleton army made up of the 1996 Rams offensive starting lineup is awakened, so it’s just not feasible to active the thing for every little storm. Sorry Lambert Airport, next time you come up here and fight the spider.

So why are we just hearing about this now you might ask? Well…blah blah blah government secrets or something like that we bet.

The government has long since tried to cover up the details on this secret research project.

Nailed it.

To this day, very few people know of the existence of the ‘Weather Control Experiments’ taking place in the Midwest.

How’d you find out? Ah, nevermind. Secrets make the day more fun!

But the next time you watch the weather, pay close attention to the strange weather patterns and movement of storm systems in the St. Louis area.

…except for when nothing special happens, which means no one turned on the Arch that day. Remember that. All of this falls apart if you start thinking there can’t be exceptions, or if you’re not a moron.

Oh but that thing about it attracting crappy hockey goalies to St. Louis is actually true. Look it up.

via Failed Success.com and our tipster who protects us from “What the hell am I going to write about?!” storms all the time.

It’s hot as hell, and we know it’s the cheesiest thing you could do this time of the year, but we got a egg and we tried to fry it on the forehead of a homeless guy. It didn’t really work. The edges kind of cooked a little but the middle didn’t get too far along. It could have used more time but homeless guy got all mad about it. All we’re saying is that it could have easily been poop on your head, so if you look at it that way, egg isn’t so bad.

Here are 5 other things that also don’t work out super well in heat like this:

5. Looking good in fancy clothes.

Ball sweat on dudes and fancy pants are thin, under-boob sweat lines on the ladies, and back sweat for everyone. Not great looks and to twist the knife the South County guy wearing the red mesh tank top looks really comfortable. It’s cool though, you have your tropical island tie on. Everyone loves that tie at the office. (No they don’t)

4. Sleeping

Nothing like laying on your bed, as naked as possible…no sheets…three fans point at you.

3. Eating

Nothing tastes good when your super hot and anything cold melts before you can finish it. It’s a cruel joke.

2. Talk to people

“Can you believe how hot it is?”, “How’s about this heat?!”, “One of those St. Louis summers huh?” Shut the f*ck up!

1. Buying stuff

You can’t afford that! Have you seen your last Ameren bill?!

[Editor's Note: There, we mentioned the weather.]

In a tornado season where more old junk has been blown than at a Red 7′s Swingers Night, the Fulton emergency weather alarm decided that it didn’t want to ruin anyone’s Wednesday with a warning siren, so it held off until Thursday. There were no storms Thursday mind you, so in essence it was a “If you’re hearing this, you survived!” alarm. We don’t have any hard numbers, but it seems more celebratory, while somewhat less effective.

Michelle Kidwell, the county’s emergency management director, says a glitch in the warning system caused the delay. Kidwell says residents should have received a phone call with the weather warning on Wednesday and that the system was being examined so that repairs could be made.

A phone call? Local government is calling people now about severe weather? How lovely.

[Wavy lines so you know this is where we tilt our head up and think of what that might be like in a hopefully entertaining fashion. Maybe you could wave your hands around in front of you to complete the illusion. Seriously. Do it. Now!]

“Hello Fulton resident! This is an automated message warning you about a dangerous situation. Press 2 to be warned in Espanol.

Please enter your social security number, followed by the pound symbol.

One moment please.

[Muzak version of REM's "It's End of the World and We Know It (and I Feel Fine)"]

According to our records, a tornado is scheduled to hit your house in negative 5 minutes from now.

In order to keep efficient for the tax payers, we will assume you are now deceased. If you are not deceased, please go online to www.fultonthinksyourdead.gov, print and fill out the  E-90 form. Fax it back to the number provided with a cover letter explaining how you survived.

We’re sorry for your loss.”

via KMOV

It seems like forever ago with local news channel Fox2 (KTVI) swallowed channel 11 (KTVI)’s station and news department. We remember wondering: “If both stations are still going to do news, how will they break it up so they aren’t competing against themselves?” Apparently the deal was Fox2 will deal with actual news and 11 will take these two stick, try not to poke their eye out and see what they can come up with.

Here’s what they came up with yesterday: Ice is slippery

“Icy Roads Mean More Slips & Falls”

Chiropractors in Clayton, near St. Louis, Missouri said they are seeing slips, falls and stress injuries after this week’s winter storm. The ice from this latest dose of ‘winter’ is making just getting out of the house and to the car a challenge.

We really hope this is just the first of a series of obvious weather stories culminating in this July’s “How ’bout this heat?” article.

via KPLR

A lot of you wrote in to us with the same sentiment: “Do we really need around the clock local news coverage about the ‘storm of the century’”? Apparently the general St. Louis audience, or at least our readers, thought that if they had to be stuck at home, then they could at least watch some TV. Ha! Nice try St. Louis, but local news won’t let that happen. Not on their watch. You have to watch the same 2 hours of weather radar loop over and over again while weather people point and zoom in on stuff between cuts to Mike Busch confirming that they aren’t going overboard and you will in fact die…Busch’s hair still won’t move, but you will totally die.

“A historic storm deserves historic coverage,” [Mike Shipley, news director of KSDK] said.

So what does a little worst that regular winter storm deserve?

Audrey Prywitch, news director of KTVI and KPLR (Channel 11), said she hadn’t necessarily planned to go live with storm coverage all day, but “as the situation was developing, we got into a good rhythm. You know when a story like this runs out of steam, and you shut it down. But we were getting so much good stuff, we kept going.”

Apparently we disagree on the definition of “good stuff”. One of your reporters in a Fox2 jacket standing by a plow falls in our list of “good stuff” way down at the bottom just above anal fissures and right below nodding along to the rants of “I’m in a hurry!” guy at the bank.

Viewership Tuesday “will be high — very high,” Shipley said. “Look at the pictures we’re getting. Nobody’s on the streets. You have to think they’re home watching a lot of television.”

That’s the spirit! Wining the “ratings” war by scaring your audience to be locked in their homes with jugs of water and enough flashlights to be spotted from space. We bet if you tell everyone that you put a bomb in their house and won’t tell them the dearming code until after sports and the weather you’d end up with some pretty decent ratings too. Unless they have cable. Dog the Bounty Hunter is worth a little explodin’.

via STLToday

It’s all over people! The Snowpolocypse is upon us! Go to Home Depot and get some road salt even though you’ve never used it before! Go kick an old lady in her flappy neck to get that last can of green beans. It’s time to get serious people! Snow! Ice! Ahhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

KMOV (Channel 4):

This could be one of those devastating storms when you have power outages and snow over a foot.

KPLR (Channel 11):

Please refer all questions not related to CW teen-angst programming to KTVI.

KSDK (Channel 5):

This is a dangerous winter storm and all News Channel 5 viewers are advised to begin preparing now.  Assume that you will not be able to go out from Tuesday through Wednesday and be prepared for the possibility of losing power.

KTVI (Channel 2):

A wintry mix that includes freezing rain, sleet, and snow will affect the entire are on Monday and continue into Tuesday, becoming heavy at times. Precipitation will end as snow Wednesday, but not before leaving behind a huge mess.

KDNL (Channel 30):

What storm? Ask KSDK.

The good news is Ameren UE has probably learned their lesson and they’ll be able to fix any ice and wind issues taking down power across the city so we don’t all freeze to death in less than 20 degree temps so we…um…we’re all going to die. Nice knowing you.

When the snow hits and the power goes out we will all last longer if we huddle together for warmth, so any women less than 150 lbs with C-cup and greater are free to head over to Punching Kitty HQ strip down and keep living so we can dig ourselves out Friday and re-populate St. Louis. Yes you have to do it! Otherwise the only people left to repopulate St. Louis will be poor people who naturally huddle together leaving St. Louis to be reformed full of Jack in the Box’s and Shop n’ Saves with a horrible school system and rampant crime…oh god. This is what happened after the 1982 blizzard didn’t it?! This is how we got this way! It’s all so clear now. You finally really did it…you maniacs! Damn you all to hell!