The campus of University of Missouri St. Louis today was locked down after a student reported they had seen a “man with a gun” to the police. The following text-alert was sent out to all faculty, staff and students:

Man with a gun seen in Lucas Hall. Police have been unable to confirm this. Older W/M, glasses, 5’8″. Avoid Lucas Hall. Secure in place. Don’t come to Campus. If this person is seen call the campus police at 516-5155.

Yup, seeing a man “with a gun” does sound like a call the police situation…however…

According to an UMSL spokesperson, a professor who teaches western civilization brought the gun to school. Once a semester he dresses in fur trader attire and brings in one of his long rifles as part of a re-enactment for his class.

So now we know that an UMSL student called the police to report that Davy Crockett was seen on campus and the plan was to mow down students with his long rifle. This plan would have failed miserably with fitness majors…they’re way too fast to get a shot off after packing the powder and loading in the little marble bullet. One of the more stagnent majors must have been the target! Computer Science or Culinary Arts. Probably three or four rounds could be fired off before they could make it over to some suitably sized cover.

via KMOV

Let us set the scene…

You’re working away on your term paper at your campus computer lab. Its cold in here, and why do all computer labs always smell like this? On top of that, where the hell do you even go to buy an orange plastic chair? Weird. It’s getting hot in here now. Damn! Really hot. Its like the air vent is blowing hot air right on the back of my neck. Whatever…keep going…you have to finish this paper by…is that a penis being shoved in to my back?

Sure was!

The incident occurred at approximately 3:05 pm at the public computers located on the first floor of the Millennium Student Center. The victim reported that the suspect sat in a chair directly behind her, and as she was using the computer she felt something touch the lower portion of her back. The victim said when she turned to see what he was doing the suspect was breathing heavily, had exposed himself and was simulating sex on her back. When she turned around the suspect immediately ran from the area and up the escalator. The victim also immediately got up and left the area.

This man isn’t a perv! He’s trying to show you…with his penis…that the world has just gotten too damn complicated. Why do we as a human race have to go through the long and tiresome mating rituals pushed upon us by a more stuck up long gone generation? You think a girl is pretty? Take your penis out and show her! …maybe breath on her neck a little bit.  Girls, you think that guy over there is the so hot he must be the author of a local humor blog? Flip that skirt up and present yourself! We don’t have time to be wasting our lives with coffee dates and waiting for eye contact…if it works for elephants in the zoo, its good enough for us.

…nah this guy is a total sick f*ck. The cops are closing in though, they found his Facebook profile (http://facebook.com/profile.php?=7638437). You know that guy? Call the cops on that sick bastard.

Oh and also maybe if you are tired of getting skeezed out by the guys in computer labs that whip their dick out when they see a banner ad with a chick on it…buy a damn computer! Freaking things cost like a few hundred bucks now. If you all just don’t spend $200 on the Landing one weekend (plus the cost of getting your car window fixed) you can buy your own laptop and the computer labs on campuses all around the world will be reduced to just a bunch of dudes with their dick hanging out of their pants touching each other in the back.

…which is also called a Creed concert.

via Globe Democrat

A week ago we posted a little something about a woman getting attacked in a bathroom at UMSL’s north city campus.

Yeah, we hear North St. Louis is a “very safe” part of town in general if you disregard all the murders and muggings.

But wait!  Were we wrong with our flippant remarks about north city and UMSL?  Maybe.  We had someone contact us about the matter!

Here’s what they said:

UMSL has the least number of sexual assaults out of wash u, slu and mizzou. so stop bashing NoCo. word.

Putting aside the fact that this particular North County lover seems a little violent themselves, we will concede that our remark didn’t have a lot of things like “facts” or “research” behind it.  I do have this map though which looks like there are more little crime-y icons north than south:

Apparently there are also some official documents running around that prove differently, but hello!  Look at all the crime-y icons!

…also we are pretty sure that if crimes are reported less, its because people are tougher there and pack heat…and drive around in cars like on Mad Max and the Thunderdome.  I’m not sure about that last part though.

Nothing worse than being at a night class and then getting attacked when trying to take a leak.

Campus police say they are following several leads. They say the attack happened about around 4:20 p.m. Tuesday in the Social Science and Business building.

School officials maintain UMSL is a very safe campus, although this is the second time this year that a potentially dangerous situation was reported on campus.

Yeah, we hear North St. Louis is a “very safe” part of town in general if you disregard all the murders and muggings.

No cameras are in the Social Science and Business building. According to campus police, a female student was approached in the women’s bathroom on the first floor of the building.

I agree.  Lets get some cameras in the lady’s room right away.

Luckily the woman wasn’t hurt as someone else came in before anything could happen and the perp got away.  He is still at large and is described as a tall african american man wearing a grey hooded sweatshirt.  Well, he shouldn’t be too hard to track down since that same non-descript guy has been implicated in every single other North St. Louis crime for the last 20 years.

Eventually they just gotta catch that guy.

via KSDK