The President spun through our little metropolis yesterday and, as usual we’re sure, had quite a busy day.

He started off by touching down at Lambert Airport at 5:35pm and was greeted by Governor Jay Nixon and Mayor Francis Slay, who both blew him until climax welcomed him to our fine city. “What the f*ck?! You still haven’t fixed this shit? Didn’t we give you money for this? Jesus.” we’re assuming the President said after leaving the airport on his way to…

…shutting down I-170 and any other road his motorcade took to get downtown. Oh you wanted to get home last night to watch the second half of the Cardinals game? Well you missed it and  it’s your fault for possibly being a terrorist. We can’t just allow you to drive on a road or overpass! We need room for the full motorcade! (…actually, while we’re on the subject, why do we need to both close the roads and give the President 17 cop cars, 7 military transports, 5 limos and an ambulance? If you’re going to close all the roads anyway, you could probably get away with a single Popemobile-type car or some sort of Presidential Segway.) The President needed to hurry though because he really had to go to…

…his first fundraiser of the night where Governor Nixon used an interesting introduction technique where he started to talk, motion and do the voice inflection usually reserved for saying something funny, but instead just said regular stuff.

“We are here to talk about re-elections, but if we can sign Albert Pujols for four more years,” said Nixon, referring to the Cardinals’ star first baseman, “that would be good, too.”

Great stuff. Halfway through Obama’s remarks a person interrupted the President by abruptly asking if he would “stop the pipeline.” Not sure why he had to interrupt him to say that, as there was probably ample time afterwards, but yelling makes for a better Facebook post about it afterwards we guess. The President didn’t talk too long to the roughly 100 people that paid a cool $25k a plate though because he had to use his mouth for…

…all the Pi Pizza that the event was catered with. Yup, the Pres. still loves him the Pi and even suggested that they com to the White House for a meal sometime soon. Probably real soon, like at least before the end of next year. After that, Obama, knocked back a few Schlafly “Baracktoberfest” beers and then asked the crowed if anyone else wanted to publicly fellate him with gifts, but no one did. So he…

…closed down 170 again to drive back to the airport, settled in to Air Force One, looked out the window at Lambert mumbling to himself: “Plywood where the windows were 6 months later?! It’s like someone had an ugly dog and then a car hit it, but instead of taking the dog to the hospital or just getting a new dog, they just let the fugly little useless thing hobble around on two and a half legs and one of those cone things on it’s neck.”

via STLToday

This morning people were crying over the traffic as it ground to a halt because of yet another truck spilling it’s payload all over the highway and the aroma the payload left behind.

A truck lost a load of onions on I-55 just north of the 7th Street/Park exit, north of where [I-44 and I-55] merge south of downtown.

After clearing the onions themselves off to the shoulder, crews called in a street sweeper to clean up the juice left over after hundreds were run over by vehicles. Apparently onion juice is very slick.

First we had the mayo spill in February, then the bratwurst spill in April and now the June onions? So far, the Missouri truck drivers’ plot to make a giant spilled-on-the-street sandwich in 2011 sounds delicious! Someone tell the cheese truck driver he has until August and the bread guy we need him to drive through around November.

We’re not trying to be picky, but if someone could hijack a Grey Poupon truck, we would really appreciate it. Totally makes the sandwich.

via KMOX

Coming home from the iPad madness from earlier in the day, we noticed something “shocking” coming down Jefferson just north of 44.

Is this the only crosswalk shocker in town? Have you seen any others?

[Editor's Note: God we love that there's a Wikipedia page devoted to the shocker.]

Signs!  That’s the ticket…the fix to all our troubles! More signs!

That’s pretty much the reaction of the city when finally pushed to do something about the amazing traffic jams that surround Forest Park every time its nice and above 60 degrees.

After last week’s park congestion, Forest Park, the Missouri Department of Transportation, St. Louis City Streets Department, St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department and the park institutions met to work out a plan to improve traffic flow in Forest Park.

New signage plans are being discussed both on the highway and within Forest Park. These plans are unfunded at this time. The electronic message boards and temporary signs will be used to guide park visitors for now.

If the signs that tell people where to enter and park don’t help, the city plans on changing the signs to simply say “Go Away”.  If that doesn’t get the job done, Park Officials will release 12 homeless black men in to the park near certain attractions to ask for money and scare away all the West County families.

via Globe Democrat

270 ranked 45th in the nation’s worst commutes according to The Daily Beast.  Totaling 89 hours of congestion, and 1.26 miles long at its worst, earned 270 the spot.

On a comment attached to our snippet, they have a quote via the Post Dispatch from Maryland Heights Councilwoman Mary Nichols:

Replacement of the current design with the diverging diamond interchange will not only improve the flow of traffic along the 270-70 corridor, but it will also be a national example of innovation in highway safety and design.

“…but…” Nichols followed, “to do that, we’ll have to close the whole thing down for 2 years and then when its done it really won’t be much better, but it will look like it should be.”

via The Daily Beast

Starting shortly after the bill reaches Mayor Slay’s desk, traffic lights that have red-light cameras will be required to have a sign at the intersection stating the cameras are in use there.  Previously the signs were just posted at the border of the county or city where the cameras were used.  Says the Mayor: [permalink]

Aldermanic president Lewis Reed has – very sensibly – closed a loophole in the City’s ordinance authorizing automated traffic camera systems. Red-light cameras work best when motorists know about the cameras.

Lewis’s bill removes a legal provision that gave the Streets Department the option of posting general warning signs about red light cameras at the city limits, instead of adjacent to the monitored locations. Although warning signs are already at every camera location in the city, Lewis’s bill reinforces the requirement.

The bill had the support of both the Police Department and the red light camera provider. I plan to sign it when it reaches my desk. 

Nice work Aldermanic President Reed!  I mean, the schools still suck, I can’t park my car in the damn street without it getting jacked, and the people’s cars that have been jacked just lost their bus line to work, but seriously every little bit helps.